Tym razem, jak mi się już zdarzało w przeszłości (nie za często... ale bywało), większość wpisu uzyskam za pomocą trzech klawiszy: Ctrl, C oraz V.
Najpierw tylko króciutki wstęp, gwoli kontekstu. Otóż często wspominam na tym blogu George-a Carlina, słynnego amerykańskiego komika, zmarłego w połowie 2008 roku. Swego czasu nawet poświęciłem mu cały, osobny wpis, o tutaj można poczytać: !klik!.
Pierwszym skeczem Carlina, który miałem przyjemność obejrzeć, był ten o dziesięciu przykazaniach. Bardzo, bardzo celny, chociaż oczywiście osobniki chore na mohairus vulgaris (moherazę pospolitą) ewentualnie zbyt poprawne politycznie mogą na ten skecz zareagować wzmożonym kichaniem lub objawami scortumis admissus (kurwicy galopującej). Dlatego jeżeli, sympatyczny Czytelniku, chorujesz na którąś z ww. dolegliwości, być może rozsądniej będzie, jeżeli przerwiesz lekturę tego wpisu i wrócisz na stronę domową Radyja czy też Obrad Sejmu - i jedno i drugie ma dużo większe szanse na ukojenie Twej rozchwierutanej duszy, niźli ten diabelski blogusław.
Jeszcze tu jesteś?
No to fajnie. Lecimy więc dalej.
Carlin w swoim skeczu "dziesięć przykazań" rozkłada katolickie przykazania na czynniki pierwsze, a następnie wykazuje czarno na białym, że część z nich jest idiotyczna, inne z kolei się nawzajem powtarzają i da się je scalić w coś bardziej ogólnego i pozytywnego, wreszcie na samym końcu dodaje jedno od siebie. Dla osób takich jak ja całość jest po prostu wspaniała, aczkolwiek zdaję sobie sprawę, że niektórzy mogą próbować wyrażać swoją dezaprobatę faktem, że jakiś bezbożnik grzebie się w Piśmie Świętym i próbuje je poprawiać.
Jak dla mnie - bomba 😉
Poniżej tekst całego skeczu, wygrzebany na tej stronie:
Z kolei link do skeczu w wersji wideo znajdziesz w ww. wpisie - bardzo, bardzo polecam.
3, 2, 1, start!
George Carlin: Ten Commandments.
I have a problem with the Ten Commandments. Here it is: Why are there ten? We don't need that many. I think the list of commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten. It's clearly a padded list.
Here's how it happened: About five thousand years ago, a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to figure out how they could control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so these guys announced that God— God personally—had given one of them a list of Ten Commandments that he wanted everyone to follow. They claimed the whole thing took place on a mountaintop, when no one else was around.
But let me ask you something: When these guys were sittin' around the tent makin' all this up, why did they pick ten? Why ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I'll tell you why. Because ten sounds important. Ten sounds official. They knew if they tried eleven, people wouldn't take them seriously. People would say, "What're you kiddin' me? The Eleven Commandments? Get the fuck outta here!"
But ten! Ten sounds important. Ten is the basis for the decimal system; it's a decade. It's a psychologically satisfying number: the top ten; the ten most wanted; the ten best-dressed. So deciding on Ten Commandments was clearly a marketing decision. And it's obviously a bullshit list. In truth, it's a politic; document, artificially inflated to sell better.
I'm going to show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a bit more logical and realistic. We'll start with the first three, and I'll use the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones I was fed as a little boy.
• I AM THE LORD THY GOD, THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME.
• THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN.
• THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH.
Okay, right off the bat, the first three commandments—pure bullshit "Sabbath day," "Lord's name," "strange gods." Spooky language. Spooky language designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious mumbo jumbo like this apply to the lives of intelligent, civilized human in the twenty-first century. You throw out the first three commandments, am you're down to seven.
•HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER.
This commandment is about obedience and respect for authority; in other words it's simply a device for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be granted automatically. They should be earned. They should be based on the parents' performance. Some parents deserve respect. Most of them don't. Period. We're down to six.
Now, in the interest of logic—something religion has a really hard time with—I'm going to skip around the list a little bit:
• THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.
• THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS.
Stealing and lying. Actually, when you think about it, these two commandments cover the same sort of behavior: dishonesty. Stealing and lying. So we don't need two of them. Instead, we combine these two and call it "Thou shalt not be dishonest." Suddenly we're down to five.
And as long as we're combining commandments I have two others that belong together:
• THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.
• THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE.
Once again, these two prohibit the same sort of behavior; in this case, marital infidelity. The difference between them is that coveting takes place in the mind. And I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife, otherwise what's a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot?
But marital fidelity is a good idea, so I suggest we keep the idea and call this commandment "Thou shalt not be unfaithful." Suddenly we're down to four.
And when you think about it further, honesty and fidelity are actually parts of the same overall value. So, in truth, we could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments, and, using positive language instead of negative, call the whole thing "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful." And now we're down to three.
•THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S GOODS.
This one is just plain stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going: Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "O Come All Ye Faithful," you want to get one, too. Coveting creates jobs. Leave it alone.
You throw out coveting and you're down to two now: the big, combined honesty/fidelity commandment, and the one we haven't mentioned yet:
•THOU SHALT NOT KILL.
Murder. The Fifth Commandment. But, if you give it a little thought, you realize that religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
To cite a few examples, just think about Northern Ireland, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, our own abortion-doctor killings and, yes, the World Trade Center to see how seriously religious people take Thou Shalt Not Kill. Apparently, to religious folks—especially the truly devout—murder is negotiable. It just depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed.
And so, with all of this in mind, folks, I offer you my revised list of the Two Commandments:
•THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL, ESPECIALLY TO THE PROVIDER OF THY NOOKIE.
•THOU SHALT TRY REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE MAN
THAN THE ONE YOU PRAY TO.
Two is all you need, folks. Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And if we had a list like that, I wouldn't mind that brilliant judge in Alabama displaying it prominently in the courthouse wall. As long he included one additional commandment:
•THOU SHALT KEEP THY RELIGION TO THYSELF!