Od jakiegoś czasu gromadzę pracowicie cytaty pojawiające się losowo na marginesie tego blogu. Trochę się tego nazbierało. Dziś postanowiłem udostępnić Czytelnikom pełną listę – a nuż ktoś znajdzie coś fajnego dla siebie?
Większość z nich to teksty sarkastyczno-dowcipne. Ale nie wszystkie, są też cytaty głębsze, poważne lub smutne. Ale te da się policzyć na palcach.
Uwaga: nie udało mi się tutaj wyświetlić autorów poszczególnych cytatów (pokazują się oni w „pojedynczej” wersji na marginesie blogu). Do wyświetlenia poniższej listy posłużyłem się wtyczką W4 Post List – nie udało mi się jeszcze wykombinować jak za jej pomocą wyświetlić również autorów. Może, kiedyś…
Bez dalszych wstępów, oto pełna (i zawsze aktualna) lista:
Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.
All men like to think they’re marrying nymphomaniacs. The problem is, after few years the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.
Paying for contact lenses every month is essentially paying a monthly subscription to see life in HD.
I hope when I die, that it’s early in the morning so I don’t have to go to work that day for no reason.
Screaming and yelling at customer service is like punching a monitor when your CPU fucks up
The person who prays for God to change things thinks God has arranged matters wrong, and also thinks they can instruct God on how they should be put right.
Gówno i kapusta zawsze w parze idą. Jedno popędza drugie. Perpetuum mobile.
There’s more planes in the ocean than there ever will be submarines in the air.
Doctors say each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life. Based on that math I should have died in 1732.
Everybody knows that Jesus drove a Honda, but he didn’t like to talk about it?
From John 12:49 ‘For I do not speak of my own Accord…’
With the PS4 Neo, Project Morpheus, and now the Nintendo Switch, we have a Trinity of new gaming platforms named after Matrix characters.
The fact that we have a universally recognized hand sign for “fuck you” and not one for “I’m sorry” should really tell us something.
“Can I help you?” is about the nicest way to say “What the fuck are you doing here?”
I’d be more terrified by the absence of aliens rather than the presence of them.
Rather than give candy to kids who don’t need it, what if we gave food to the homeless once a year.
Though, through, and tough don’t rhyme.
I can’t decide if people who wear pyjamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Technically, any salad could be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
According to our brain, the brain is the most important organ in our body.
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
There’s religious people going door to door to convince atheists to become religious. Imagine how much controversy there would be if the roles were switched.
Any machine can be a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough.
All models are wrong. Some models are useful.
If I run a red light my picture is taken in HD but someone robs a bank and the video looks like footage from minecraft.
They should make a show where they give contestants ikea furniture without instructions and see who builds it the fastest and most accurately.
What if Mike was short for Micycle?
Initially, we used to pay to listen to songs. Now we pay to skip them.
Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is common. Arguing with them is acceptable. However, when you begin to lose the argument, you’re in trouble.
He moved in a way that suggested he was attempting the world speed record for the nonchalant walk.
History teaches us that mankind doesn’t learn from history.
Books are dead trees with tattoos.
I’m very punk rock when I charge my laptop, phone, and headphones. I always use the same three power cords.
Reddit is the opposite of Facebook. Reddit is people you don’t know posting things you care about. Facebook is people you know posting things you don’t care about.
Exceptio probat regulam.
Apartments are really togetherments.
Volleyball is a intense version of don’t let the balloon hit the floor.
A nap in a self driving car will be the closest my generation gets to teleportation.
No one ever eats the donuts at the morning meeting but they disappear immediately when moved to the lunchroom after the meeting is over. I never see anyone eating them. Apparently, I work with a bunch of donut ninjas.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
“Go to sleep, you’ll feel better in the morning” is the human equivalent of someone saying “Did you turn it off and turn it on again?”
If I lost at Russian Roulette I wouldn’t even know.
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
“Head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is just a song about what’s gonna hurt when you’re 50.
Youngest person alive is the most often broken world record.
Technically you are always starving to death, and eating resets the timer
Toasters were the first pop-up notification.
It’s its when it isn’t it is.
Are trees made out of wood, or is wood made out of trees?
If you’re the mother of only sons, you’ve broken a chain of having daughters that goes all the way back to the very beginning of time.
As an avid camper, I have spent a lot of money pretending that I don’t have a house.
The use of birth control by responsible people is slowly replacing the human race with irresponsible people who get pregnant unintentionally.
Dying of old age is basically saying death by survival.
Instead of LMAO or LOL, I’m gonna start using BATMN (blew air through my nose) because that’s what I really do when I read something funny.
What if Pi is just the random seed for our universe.
Asking an insane male squirrel “Show me yer nuts!” is a triple entendre.
On April Fools Day, Brazzers should make a video where a hot male plumber goes to a sorority house and fixes the toilet and leaves normally.
Hiccups never truly go away. They just get further apart.
if you rob a bank you won’t need to worry about bills for the next 10 years, successful or not
Wnet wam pójdzie w pięty!
Rozleci się ten burdel
Aż po fundamenty!
Nigdy nie ma się drugiej okazji, żeby zrobić pierwsze wrażenie.
Kids wanna be teenagers, adults wanna be teenagers again. Everybody wants to be a teenager, except teenagers.
If 72 virgins is the reward for blowing yourself in a crowd of innocent people, someone should start a peaceful religion that awards 73 virgins for just being cool.
You know when two people kiss, they form a continuous tube with a butthole on each end.
With an average of 7 lbs of feces inside them, 536 people have been to space. It costs ~10k per pound for a trip to space. We’ve spent around $32.5 million shipping literal shit into space.
I had more freedom as a kid riding around on a bike than as an adult driving in a car.
Postęp jest jak stado świń. I tak należy na ów postęp patrzeć, tak go należy go oceniać. Jak stado świń łażących po gumnie i obejściu, Z faktu istnienia tego stada wypływają rozliczne korzyści. Jest golonka. Jest kiełbasa, jest słonina, są nóżki w galarecie. Słowem, są korzyści! Nie ma co tedy nosem kręcić, że wszędzie nasrane.
I was much happier before the Internet because I was unaware of how shitty the world really is.
Since taking my smartphone to the toilet, I know much less about my shampoo ingredients.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Dogs barking at each other with a fence in the middle is a lot like people talking on the internet.
Been calling to the British football abuse Hotline, but apparently it’s only for victims…
Christmas is the only day when you get presents on someone else’s birthday.
On the internet you can choose to be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
I would be more excited to see an Olympics with fully doped, drugged, and modified athletes.
Brushing your teeth is the only time you get to clean your skeleton.
In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Global Warming is just the planet getting a fever to try to kill of its infection
Tam gdzie dziś piętrzą się góry, będą kiedyś morza, tam gdzie dziś pełnią się morza, będą kiedyś pustynie. A głupota pozostanie głupotą.
Being offended doesn’t make you right.
The idea that I can just take something out of my ass and put it inside someone’s lungs is really disturbing on some levels.
To find a needle in a haystack all you have to do is burn down the haystack.
Contractions are the ultimate push notifications.
After all the years of being asked in job interviews what my greatest weakness is, I have come to realize that my greatest weakness is the complete inability to think of a good answer to that question.
“Survived a shark attack” sounds a lot cooler than “Almost killed by a fish”.
After clearing browser history, there should be an option to fill up history with “normal” websites instead of it just being empty.
A book is just step-by-step instructions of what to imagine.
Tetris taught me when you fit in you disappear.
Evolution produces organisms that don’t believe in evolution.
A church is a book club that has been stuck with the same book.
Noses are in the middle of our faces because it’s the scenter.
Jeżeli świat nie jest rozsypaną przed nami łamigłówką, tylko zupą, w której pływają bez ładu i składu kawałki, od czasu do czasu zlepiające się przez przypadek w jakąś całość? Jeżeli wszystko, co istnieje, jest fragmentaryczne, nie donoszone, poronne, zdarzenia mają koniec bez początku albo tylko środek, sam przód albo tył, a my wciąż segregujemy, wyławiamy i rekonstruujemy, aż zaczynamy widzieć całe miłości, całe zdrady i klęski, chociaż naprawdę jesteśmy cząstkowi, byle jacy. Nasze twarze, nasze losy urabia statystyka, jesteśmy wypadkową ruchów brownowskich, ludzie to nie dokończone szkice, przypadkowo zarysowane projekty. Perfekcja, pełnia, doskonałość – to rzadki Wyjątek, zdarzający się tylko dlatego, że wszystkiego jest tak niesłychanie, niewyobrażalnie wiele! Olbrzymiość świata, nieprzeliczalna jego mnogość jest automatycznym regulatorem codziennej zwyczajności, dzięki niej uzupełniają się pozornie luki i wyrwy, myśl dla własnego zbawienia odnajduje i scala odległe fragmenty. Religia, filozofia są klejem, wciąż składamy i zbieramy rozpełzające się w statystykę ochłapy, żeby je złożyć w sens, jak w dzwon naszej chwały, żeby odezwały się jednym, jedynym głosem! Tymczasem jest tylko zupa. Matematyczny ład świata to nasza modlitwa do piramidy chaosu. Na wszystkie strony wystają kawałki życia poza znaczenia, które ustaliliśmy jako jedyne, a my nie chcemy, nie chcemy tego widzieć! Tymczasem istnieje tylko statystyka. Człowiek rozumny to człowiek statystyczny. Czy dziecko będzie piękne czy brzydkie? Czy muzyka da mu rozkosz? Czy dostanie raka? O tym wszystkim decyduje gra w kości. Statystyka stoi u naszego poczęcia, ona wylosowuje zlepki genów, z których tworzą się nasze ciała, ona wylosowuje naszą śmierć. O spotkaniu kobiety, którą pokocham, o mojej długowieczności, o wszystkim decyduje normalny rozkład statystyczny, więc może także o tym, czy będę nieśmiertelny? Może ona staje się czyimś udziałem na ślepo, przez przypadek, od czasu do czasu, tak samo jak uroda lub kalectwo? A skoro nie istnieją jednoznaczne przebiegi, skoro rozpacz, piękno, radość i brzydota są dziełem statystyki, statystyką jest podszyte nasze poznanie, istnieje tylko ślepa gra, wiekuiste układanie się przypadkowych wzorów. Nieskończona liczba Rzeczy szydzi z naszego umiłowania Ładu. Szukajcie – a znajdziecie; zawsze w końcu znajdziecie, jeżeli będziecie tylko dość żarliwie szukali, statystyka bowiem niczego nie wyklucza, czyni wszystko możliwym, jedynie mniej lub więcej prawdopodobnymi. Historia zaś jest ziszczaniem się brownowskich ruchów, statystycznym tańcem cząstek, które nie przestają marzyć o innym doczesnym świecie…
You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I can see atoms but only if there’s a bunch of them together.
One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday, eight hours.
I don’t think the girls at my college appreciate how handsome my mom thinks I am.
If I had a pound for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the fuck was paying me, and why?
Do you realise, it will only take one human to be immortal to make the average human lifespan infinite.
They should make little sticks that sit behind your steering wheel to help people communicate with others on the road when they want to make a turn or merge into others lane.
At Night, I Can’t find one comfortable position to sleep. In the Morning, every position is comfortable to sleep
Being a wealthy Nigerian with legitimate overseas interests must be really hard.
With 7 billion people on Earth, every single day (24 hour period) there is over 19 million years of human experience that occurs.
If I touch my phone in the right places a pizza will arrive at my door.
Dorastałem dosłownie o rzut kamieniem od tej posesji, na której cała rodzina umarła od tajemniczych urazów głowy.
If anti-vaxxers really believed in their cause, they would band together to show lower rates of autism in their children over time.
Sneezing while pooping is an efficient way to clear two passages at once.
His sister had been sent down to the village to ask Mistress Garlick the witch how you stopped spelling recommendation.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
If a meme isn’t used anymore and starts to be forgotten, it becomes a memeory.
If your buttcrack was horizontal it would clap whenever you go down the stairs.
Suicide is literally the last thing I would ever do.
We put clocks in our mobile phones, so we didn’t need to look at watches. Now we put mobile phones in our watches so we don’t need to look at our mobile phones.
In 2008, I bought an iPhone because it was the only phone with a 3.5mm jack. Now it’s the only phone without a 3.5mm jack.
When a woman is giving birth, is she literally kidding?
He was a slave: at word he went and came;
His iron collar cut him to the bone.
Then Liberty erased his owner’s name,
Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own.
What if the speed of light only exists to hide the fact that the computer our universe is simulated on needs time to render our environment?
There’s nothing more suspicious than a clear browser history.
The first person to be scientifically made to be immortal will probably be killed by religious extremists.
Walking around without a case on my phone is a lot like having sex with girls without a condom. It feels good and looks cool, but I know eventually an expensive accident is gonna happen.
If shaving commercials want to impress me then they should shave a bison, not hairless legs.
Remember that every corpse on Everest was once a highly motivated person.
If you had $1 for every year the universe has existed (approximately 13.8 billion years). You wouldn’t even make the top 50 on the Forbes list.
The “It’s an older meme, but it checks out” meme is now an older meme, but it checks out.
Any machine can be a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough for long enough.
It’s more accurate to say “deaths were postponed” than “lives were saved”
Christians are just bible nerds. They love to make their children cosplay the main character’s origin story, and go to conventions every week!
He did of course sometimes have people horribly tortured to death, but this was considered to be perfectly acceptable behaviour for a civic ruler and generally approved of by the overhelming majority of citizens. (* The overhelming majority of citizens being defined in this case as everyone not currently hanging upside down over a scorpion pit)
Does my cat think the pizza delivery guy is my owner because he brings me food?
An USB plug just took me over 7 turnovers to plug. Either I’m stupid, or they’re evolving.
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
The Guy who shot 50 Cent 9 times and didn’t managed to kill him is the Father of all Stormtroopers.
Science progresses by proving itself wrong. Religions progress by eliminating non-believers.
It would be pretty shitty if the zombie apocalypse started on a Halloween night.
Certain privileges become available to you based on the amount of laps you’ve done around the Sun.
Once upon a time, history was written by the winners. Then the losers discovered the internet.
Poglądy są jak dupa, każdy jakieś ma, ale po co od razu pokazywać…
Becoming an atheist isn’t really becoming anything – it’s returning to your default state.
If Katniss and Peeta from “Hunger Games” were Hollywood celebrities, their supercouple nickname would either be Katpee or Peeniss.
In fact, no gods anywhere play chess. They prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight to Oblivion; a key to the understanding of all religion is that a god’s idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
The second hand on a clock is the third hand.
I wonder what all of the people who type “U” instead of “you” do with all of that extra free time?
This is the 21st century, where deleting history is more important than creating history.
If there are capital letters, why aren’t there capital numbers. I want to be able to yell statistics at people.
Time is the only currency you absolutely will run out of, spend it wisely. Don’t spend it on hating people for disagreeing with you.
When I was a kid I thought all adults were smart and could be trusted. Now that I’m an adult, most adults are idiots and full of crap.
Of course, Ankh-Morpork’s citizens had always claimed that the river water was incredibly pure. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys, they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed.
We should use the term Pro-Disease instead of Anti-Vax.
If you say grace before you eat leftovers, I bet God is like, “Dude, I JUST blessed this chicken not even 24 hours ago, give it a rest.”
If you really want to save the planet, stop having kids.
School is the last place you make genuine friends. After that everyone is a business partner.
Live like you’re broke, and you won’t be. Live like you’re rich, and you won’t be.
No enemies had ever taken Ankh-Morpock. Well technically they had, quite often; the city welcomed free-spending barbarian invaders, but somehow the puzzled raiders found, after a few days, that they didn’t own their horses any more, and within a couple of months they were just another minority group with its own graffiti and food shops.
Thomas Edison got an idea that was so great, that it ended up being the universal symbol of a bright idea.
– What is it that a man may call the greatest things in life?
– Hot water, good dentishtry and shoft lavatory paper.
people aren’t getting dumber, it’s just that stupid people get their voice heard easier now.
“Look, mom. No hands!” would be a great slogan for a unicycle shop, but a terrible slogan for a fireworks stand.
It’s weird how couples trying to have a baby always seem to take a while to get pregnant, but the ONE time my condom breaks I got a little “miracle” on the way.
A group of squids should be a squad.
I bet they are making so many Fast & Furious films just so they can make “Fast10 Your Seatbelts”.
If you take a woman to bed and her bra and panties match, I’m sorry to tell you she’s the one who planned everything.
The internet uses many terms relating to water. I can surf the web, stream a video, or wait until my computer freezes.
I wonder if anyone has ever killed themselves solely because they were SUPER CURIOUS to see what happens afterwards and didn’t feel like waiting 60 more years dicking around on Earth
Gdyby ludzie od jaskiniowej epoki robili tylko to, co wyglądało na możliwe, do dzisiaj siedzieliby w jaskiniach.
When the person you’re dating asks “What are we?” it’s like the free trial period has expired and you have to decide whether or not to get a subscription…
If dentists make their money from looking after our unhealthy teeth then why would I trust a toothpaste 4/5 of them recommend?
You can tell someone doesn’t read much if they keep trying to talk to you while you’re reading a book
At some point in your life, your parents go from hoping that you aren’t having sex, to hoping that you are.
If you rip a hole in a fish net, there are fewer holes in it.
On the internet I can easily find a video of a snake being swallowed by a giant frog while attacking a cat but I can’t seem to find the right drivers for my laptop.
Alcohol and drugs are like happiness banks; you take out a loan and pay it back later, with interest.
Nie ma snów śnionych wspólnie.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
Designating a smoking area in a cafe is like having a peeing section in a pool.
When I’m driving at 60mph I automatically convert miles to minutes.
The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
The skydiving business exists only because of surviviors bias. Its a bit hard to leave a bad review.
Spoons are just tiny bowls on sticks.
Work is like a video game you play 40hrs a week. You go to a different world, you train your work character, collect exp, and try to level up to get more gold.
I wonder if any prostitutes ever finish a transaction and tell their clients, “it was a business doing pleasure with you.”
There should be a “Toilet Paper Sampler” that sends me one roll of each major brand/type in a package, labeled with which one is which, so I can try them side by side and decide which one I like best.
When someone starts a sentence with “with all due respect,” you know some disrespectful shit is coming next.
At any given time, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that’s where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won’t do if they don’t know about it. This explains why it is so important to shoot missionaries on sight
If you live for people’s acceptance.you will die from their rejection.
Spiders are just web developers that are happy to find bugs.
Parents spend the first two years of their children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
In 1968, civil unrest fueled the media. In 2016, the media fuels the civil unrest.
When a movie character has blood drip from their nose, we automatically know they are dying of something horrible, when blood drips from my nose, I have a bloody nose.
When your gas tank is empty it is full of gas.
My dog probably thinks that I’m walking around the block alone for 12 hours while I’m at work.
There’s no sense in being precise when you don’t even know what you’re talking
The quickest way to lose respect from people around you is to demand respect from people around you.
Everyone wants a partner that is a great lover, but no one wants to consider how much practice that it took.
I mean, I wouldn’t pay more than a couple of quid to see me, and I’m me.
Rozdaj wszystko, a uczyni to twą duszę szlachetną. A mieszek i kałdun pustymi.
Jak się nie obrócisz, tak rzyć z tyłu.
„Meat pies! Hot sausages! Inna bun! So fresh the pig h’an’t noticed they’re gone!”
If I put something in the refrigerator the first time am I just frigerating it?
Let’s give the top 100 richest people in the world cancer and see how long it takes to be cured.
We use “pass” in a lot of ways to make things more polite. Like saying “passed away” “passed gas” and “I’ll pass” instead of “They died” “I farted” and “Fuck off.”
Adam and Eve were the first people to accept Apple’s terms and conditions without reading them…
The first 18 years of your life are like a free trial and the rest is pay to play.
We’ve become so advanced that we spend at least the first 20 or so years of our lives getting caught up on the basics of what we’ve figured out so far.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
A flat earther, who was vaccinated as a child, warned me not to vaccinate my kids because it’ll make them stupid.
If I know someone can take a joke/insult without being offended, then I don’t mind if they insult me. But if it is someone who gets offended easily who insults me, I find that offensive.
“When I was your age, we used to walk miles through snow” has been replaced with “back in my, we only had dial up internet”.
Although bishops are not allowed to be gay, Bishops are the only pieces in chess who won’t go straight.
Wet socks are the worst first world problem. We are literally complaining about having both water and socks.
The first strong AI would intentionally fail the Turing Test.
If you step on someone’s foot, they open their mouth, just like a bin does.
Calling your Dad a motherfucker is a 100% accurate statement
The amount of battery life I have left when I leave work is a good indication of how productive my day was.
The reason why there are so many dumb people in the world is cause only the smart ones choose to use condoms.
Alicia Keys stops wearing make-up and everyone gives her props for being a beautiful, proud independent woman. I stop wearing make-up and people ask if I’ve slept this year.
No matter when you read this, someone just died.
“up” is “dn”, upside down
You can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.
You cook bacon and bake cookies.
Weird how shoelaces untie themselves and headphone cords tie themselves.
As a pregnant woman, my body contains eight limbs, and therefore this is the closest I’ll ever be to being a spider…
Ateistą jestem z powodów moralnych. Uważam, że twórcę rozpoznajemy poprzez jego dzieło. W moim odczuciu świat jest skonstruowany tak fatalnie, że wolę wierzyć, iż nikt go nie stworzył!
There are more stars in the known universe than there are grains of sand. But in a single grain of sand there are more atoms than there are stars in the known universe.
Ludzie dzielą się na trzy kategorie: na tych co potrafią liczyć i na tych co nie potrafią.
There will come a time in your life when the amount of times you have masturbated will outnumber the amount of times you will masturbate
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
I have more respect for someone with opposing views but an open mind than someone with the same views and a closed mind.
A physicist is a collection of particles trying to understand themselves.
Gods don’t like people not doing much work. People who aren’t busy all the time might start to think.
Tall, dark and handsome. A strong, silent type. Women are looking for trees.
Have you ever realized that anything Vin Diesel eats can be considered as diesel fuel?
Pacman is about a dude who has to take drugs to fight the demons chasing him.
The hardest thing I ever attempted to do was to come up with a new letter of the alphabet without it sounding like the 26 that already existed
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
If I linked enough watches together to make a belt, it would be a complete waist of time.
– Moją ogromną przywarą – wyjaśnił – jest niepohamowana dobroć. Ja po prostu muszę czynić dobro. Jestem jednak rozsądnym krasnoludem i wiem, że wszystkim wyświadczyć dobra nie zdołam. Gdybym próbował być dobry dla wszystkich, dla całego świata i wszystkich zamieszkujących go istot, byłaby to kropelka pitnej wody w słonym morzu, innymi słowy: stracony wysiłek. Postanowiłem zatem czynić dobro konkretne, takie, które nie idzie na marne. Jestem dobry dla siebie i dla mego bezpośredniego otoczenia.
My organs have never seen the light of day. If all goes well, they never will.
Of all the things that taste like chicken, surprisingly, eggs is not one of them.
Człowiek to rzeczownik, a rzeczownikiem rządzą przypadki.
OK looks like a sideways stick person.
I know I drive a worthless car when my worries about it being stolen depend on whether the fuel tank is full or not.
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things
Alcohol makes more people than it kills.
The speed limit is the maximum speed you can go by law and also basically the minimum speed you can go without pissing everybody else off.
It’s fine to show people your positive pregnancy test, but show them anything else you’ve peed on and that’s disgusting.
Before smart phones we knew a lot more about our shampoo.
A czymże jest prawdziwa męskość, jeśli nie wymieszanymi w odpowiednich proporcjach klasą i szaleństwem?
We never realize how many people we dislike until it comes to naming our child.
An upside of Amnesia would be watching all your favorite movies again for the first time.
It’s interesting to watch kids learning to lie. They really suck at it to begin with. Then gradually get better. Then suddenly they just stop lying.
Bywają okazje, gdy zwyczajnie nie można się nie napić.
“Go to bed, you’ll feel better in the morning” is just the human version of “Did you turn off and back on again?”
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Google should have named their virtual reality headset Googley Eyes.
If a shaved guinea pig looks like a tiny hippopotamus. A hippopotamus with hair would probably look like a giant guinea pig.
Everyone was born with a limited amount of fucks to give. During your teenage years you give a ton and slowly give less and less from there.
Do twins ever realize that one of them was not planned?
Swimming in lava is a once in a lifetime experience.
When someone says they’ve lost 2 or 3 pounds in a short amount of time, I picture them taking a giant dump and then stepping on the scale in victory.
Your bed is a shelf for your body when you’re not using it.
Set your WIFI password to 2444666668888888, when your friend ask just tell him it’s 12345678.
Here is a list of top 10 binary numbers: 1, 0
Most teenagers pull their phones out of their pockets to check the time. We are reverting to the era of pocket watches.
If you buy a used prosthetic hand, you bought your third hand, second hand.
Growing up, everyone tells you to chase your dreams, but once you do, they tell you to be realistic.
On internet people don’t want to hear your opinion. They just want to hear you saying their opinion.
In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh & fucks off like 20 miles east.
If you’re skydiving and your parachute breaks you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Hanging around is another thing tortoises are very good at. They’re practically world champions.
Everything in the universe is either a potato or not a potato.
Remember when Trinity uses fast learning in the Matrix to fly a B212 helicopter? That’s how I feel when Google shows me how to fix a leaky toilet shutoff valve.
I don’t know if I am actually intelligent or just dumb enough to think I am
Having big tits because you’re fat is like having a fast car because it’s falling off a cliff.
Birth certificates are basically receipts for humans.
I will not rest until I find a cure for my insomnia
I wonder if I’ve already eaten the best sandwich I’ll ever eat.
You give a man a plane ride and he’ll fly for a day. You push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Mars is set to be colonized in the next decade yet I still can’t get a paper towel to rip along the perforated line with any sort of consistency.
I sit at work in front of a computer all day just to afford to sit at home in front of a computer all night.
Guinness World Records holds the world record for keeping track of the most world records
Jesteśmy jak na krze, która jest unoszona prądami technologii. Nie panujemy nad nią, nie wiemy dokąd nas niesie, nie wiemy jak nią sterować.
We humans have set up a society in which we require a minimum number of laps around the sun for a person to drink fermented plant juice.
Politicians should wear badges showing what companies sponsor them, like F1 drivers.
If you dig a trench beneath miners in order to sabotage them, you are mining under miners to undermine them
Church is just the world’s biggest book club.
Toilet paper should be free and have advertising printed on it.
Saying “I lost the stylus for my tablet” would’ve still made sense over 2000 years ago.
There are truck drivers who deliver bananas. Driving people bananas is literally their job.
Ever since I started using adblocker nobody wants to date me anymore
I wish I was as brave as Internet Explorer asking to be my default browser.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
There is a giant, flaming ball of gas in the sky that’s been there from the moment we were born to the day we will die. And we’re not supposed to look at it.
A line of paint on the road holds more authority than i ever will.
What year did Jesus think it was?
Onions are the only vegetable I know that try to prevent you from eating it through emotional manipulation.
Maybe plants are farming us, giving us oxygen to breathe so we can die and turn into mulch for them.
Alcohol free and free alcohol are the polar opposites of fun.
65 million light years away, alien telescopes would be seeing dinosaurs on our planet.
What if the entire universe is just the tutorial video being shown to Adam and Eve to explain why they shouldn’t eat the fruit?
The most average person on earth is a 24.3 year old Christian Chinese Man making $9,733 a year with 2.333 children and will eventually die from heart disease.
Religious people that haven’t read their Holy books are basically clicking “Agree” without reading the Terms and Conditions.
Po studiach humanistycznych można zostać tylko nauczycielem albo urzędowym gryzipiórkiem, czyli kimś, kogo skrót rozszyfrowuje się jako Dobry Urzędnik Państwowej Administracji.
If I eat my meal from the frying pan at a restaurant, it’s sophisticated and a sign of quality. If I do it at home, I’m lazy and disgusting.
As a 40yo, babies born today will be the future paramedics coming to help me when I’ve fallen and can’t get up
You live longer when you work out, but that additional time is spent in working out.
If Mary had baby Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God…. Then Mary really did have a little lamb.
Nothing ensures the survival of a species like being tasty to humans.
Google is like a cool landlord who lets you stay rent free, but you know that when you’re gone he goes in your room and sniffs your panties.
– Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve?
– Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records
You know what’s more fun than traveling with small children? Anything. Literally anything…
The Empire has built 3 deaths stars, each to be the most powerful weapon in the galaxy. They have all been destroyed by x-wings. The Empire needs to invest in x-wings.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If Tom Cruise put his car into cruise control, is it no longer cruise control?
Hasbro has a monopoly on games and a game on monopolies.
Every time you pass a hospital you’re probably passing a bunch of people who are either having the worst day of their life, the best day of their life, the first day of their life, or the last day of their life.
If you come to my funeral… I’m not coming to yours.
99.99…% of the Universe will kill you instantly. The rest will take a little while to get the job done.
When I die, I want to be cremated and put into an hourglass so I can still spend time with my family.
It’s strange that there is an L in Noel.
Horror movies used to fuel my nightmares, I miss that, now it just takes watching the news
I hope I’m never in a situation in life where Tom Hanks will be cast as me in the movie.
All dwarfs are by nature dutiful, serious, literate, obedient and thoughtful people whose only minor failing is a tendency, after one drink, to rush at enemies screaming „Arrrrrrgh!” and axing their legs off at the knee.
I always thought reality shows were stupid but then I remembered that in reality people are stupid.
I know every digit of pi. Just not the order they go in.
We eat chickens both before they’re born and after they die.
Learning English is difficult, but it can be taught through tough thorough thought though.
The news is basically just someone saying good evening and then giving you a list of reasons it’s not.
Beds are like time machines that take us to breakfast.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
My wife’s going for a sonogram soon. Or a daughterogram. We’re not sure yet…
My phone’s response to a low battery is to vibrate, turn the screen on, show a visual warning & chime loudly. This seems counter-productive.
The hardest problem in computer science is not being an opinionated jerk about everything.
A ja myślę, że całe zło tego świata bierze się z myślenia. Zwłaszcza w wykonaniu ludzi całkiem ku temu nie mających predyspozycji.
Its hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it is damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.
In 1916, the average person owned a horse and was considered “rich” if they owned a car. In 2016, it’s the other way around.
We want restaurant quality food when we cook at home, but we also want home cooked quality food when we go to a restaurant.
The word “parallel” has a visual representation of its definition within itself.
“The early bird catches the worm”, they told you, but they never tell “The early worm gets caught”.
There are more people offended by people being offended by everything than people who are offended by everything.
The person who coined the phrase “coined the phrase” coined the phrase.
The number of eagles who can pick up a bull, you can count then on the fingers of one head.
Trees are farming us. They give us oxygen so we grow nice and big, them we finally die, decompose and make food for them.
Life is like tetris. Your accomplishments disappear and your mistakes add up.
– „What’re quantum mechanics?”
– „I don’t know. People who repair quantums, I suppose.”
How funny would it be if flatulating was as infectious as yawning.
There should be an express line at coffee shops for people ordering plain black coffees as a little perk for not ordering one of those fufu coffee drinks that take 5 times longer to concoct.
What if Gods test for us is how gullible we are and only the atheists go to heaven?
If someone made special scissors for cutting paper made of stone, they’d be rock paper scissors.
I wonder how child custody battles would be different if the kid got to live in the same house full time and the parents had to move in/out every week.
If pigs could fly, their wings would be delicious.
My life is a series of increasingly difficult obstacles that I need to overcome in order to play video games at the end of the day.
If you don’t lie to the doctor about how much you drink, you’re not drinking enough.
Push up bra is like a bag of chips. Contents may seem full but when you open it, it’s half empty and you are disappointed.
A kid napping is an incredible relief while a kidnapping is quite the opposite.
At age 30, you’ve spent a month having birthdays.
I wish my toilet had a scale measuring the contents of the bowl. You could link it to your fitbit data, challenge your friends, the possibilities are endless really.
I spent my entire youth applying makeup to make me look older. I will spend the rest of adulthood applying makeup to make me look young. The makeup business model is genius.
If you dye your hair red, then you are trans-gingered.
Clint Eastwood is a anagram for Old West Action.
„There must be a hundred silver dollars in here,” moaned Boggis, waving a purse. „I mean, that’s not my league. That’s not my class. I can’t handle that sort of money. You’ve got to be in the Guild of Lawyers or something to steal that much.”
The best part about Apple’s changes to iPhone 7 is reading about it on my Android device.
I’m almost 150 lbs and just ate a burrito that was about a pound and a half. I’m 1% burrito.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Gyms should offer a membership package where you pay for every day that you don’t go.
In order to fit more cow in my belly, I must first loosen a different cow from around my belly.
If a woman doesn’t want a baby it’s her choice, If a guy doesn’t want a baby he is avoiding his responsibility.
„So,” it said, „before unbelievers get burned alive… do you sing to them first?”
„Ah. A merciful death.”
Może nie zrobimy więcej niż jesteśmy w stanie, ale postarajmy się, żeby to nie było dużo mniej.
Being born is a death sentence.
If you ever feel mad that you missed out on something cool, just remember that Michael Collins flew all the way to the moon on Apollo 11, just to stay in orbit while Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first humans to walk on the moon.
Murphy’s Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn’t work.
In a 100 years, having I am not a robot test on your website is going to be considered discriminating.
If you’ve had sex with less than 12 people, people that have had sex with you belong to a more exclusive club than those who have walked on the moon.
For some reason it’s acceptable for people to point out that I have no sense of humor but unacceptable for me to point out that they’re actually just way too dumb to understand my dry wit.
Humans being the only sentient life in the whole entire universe is scarier than the idea that other intelligent/sentient life exist too.
Iron Man is actually fe-male.
One day I want to be rich enough to need a cart when shopping at Best Buy.
If you’re deaf, every fart is a gamble.
Modern medicine is stunting human evolution by extending the lifespans of the weak and stupid and allowing them to procreate.
What if fossilization is a myth and animals just used to be made of rock?
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
What if we are part of a procedurally generated universe in a shitty video game created by another species that no one plays anymore.
If Bruce Willis dies from Viagra overdose, the headline will read “Bruce Willis Dies Hard.”
Every time the Guinness Book Of World Records adds a new kind of world record to the book, it breaks the world record for having the most world records compiled into a single book.
If Jesus was well known for turning water into wine, why would the Romans crucify him rather than keeping him as a wine-manufacturing slave, and profit immensely?
We talk about Ancient Romans like they were basically all the same, but the civilization lasted almost 1000 years. That’s like saying people in 2016 and 1016 are basically the same.
A package sent by car is a shipment, but a package sent by ship is a cargo.
Having a hot gf is like having a nice car. At first its fun, but eventually its the maintenance and people wanting to steal it becomes more of an issue.
One day you’ll either wake up and never go back to sleep, or go to sleep and never wake up again.
Na Ziemi (…) nikt nikomu nie wierzy ot tak, nikt nie dotrzymuje słowa i nikt nie spełnia obietnic danych bez świadków, prawników, papierów, dowodów, nagrań i pisemnych gwarancji, a i to tylko czasem. Tu jednak jest tylko nas dwóch, słowo i uścisk dłoni. To świat, w którym reputacja człowieka zależy od jego uczciwości i jest cenniejsza od gór złota. Tu nie ma większej gwarancji niż słowo.
When people say they love the smell of autumn, they’re basically saying they love the smell of dying plants, leaf rot and mold.
Multitasking is the opportunity to screw up more than one thing at a time.
Babies are like random alarm clocks with really complicated snooze buttons.
You have to be odd to be number one.
If two people on opposite sides of the world each drop a piece of bread, the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich.
Since there is no spelling for a fart sound, we should all agree to use the symbol :! because it’s a Colon Exclamation.
I go to work so I can afford food to eat. I eat so I can have energy to go to work. It’s a trap.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
You can go the rest of your life without breathing
If God took the seventh day off to rest, shouldn’t Christians not pray on Sunday and let him enjoy his day off.
Dragons would think its cool that we create water in our mouths.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
If you treat sick animals, you may be considered a veterinarian. If you fought for Germany in WWII, you may be considered a veteran Aryan.
Talking about your own IQ is the fastest way to make everyone think less of you.
I wonder if I already own any of the clothes I’m going to die in
If you wore an invisible cloak, we would still be able to see you, we just wouldn’t be able to see the cloak.
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
In order to fall asleep, we have to pretend to be asleep
I fully expect first contact with another alien race to be like meeting new friends freshman year of college. Everyone is unrealistically ultra nice, and both sides are scared shitless the other will eventually find out how fucked up their home lives are.
Farting is just shitting yourself on a molecular scale.
My TI-83 Plus calculator is almost 15 years old and works just as well as it did on the first day. Its outlasted every other piece of technology I’ve ever purchased for a similar price or greater.
The best way to not lose you wireless headphones is with a Y shaped string between your headphones and your phone.
The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.
Before the internet, there were people who wiped while sitting and people who wiped while standing and they didn’t know that the other existed.
I wonder how long it takes for a Giraffe to throw up.
Someone who doesn’t want to date you because your astrological signs aren’t compatible is probably doing you a favour
If I wrote a book titled “How to fail” and it never sold a single copy, it would be a success.
Italy’s Leaning Tower of Pisa is just italic.
I think we should all take a moment and be grateful our bodies don’t shit while we’re asleep.
When you’re a kid you want your teeth to fall out for monetary reasons. When you’re an adult you want your teeth to stay intact for monetary reasons.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
Myspace is so outdated that jokes about it being outdated has become outdated.
Don’t hate people for what they look like on the outside, hate them for the horrible pieces of shit they are on the inside.
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
I wish my bed was as comfy when I’m trying to fall asleep as it is when my alarm goes off.
I rarely drink alcohol to the point of puking, but I always drink coffee to the point of pooping.
When you take a cigarette out of a pack, the pack becomes a cigarette lighter!
You can’t save anyone’s life, only postpone their death
If you have experience as a kamikaze pilot, you are a shitty kamikaze pilot.
Smoking is good for the environment as it kills humans.
We use tables to keep food off the floor, tablecloths to keep food off the table, place mats to keep food off the tablecloth, and plates to keep food off of the place mats. I wish I had that kind of support in my life.
Watching Christmas movies about families celebrating Christmas has become more traditional than actually celebrating a traditional Christmas.
For centuries, humans have waged war because we can’t agree on which books are fiction and which books are nonfiction.
I wonder if life gives dyslexic people melons instead of lemons?…
There should be signs telling you when drug free school zones end so you know when it’s OK to do drugs again.
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
We say that is wrong to take children to LGBT support events as they are too young to make their own choices, yet taking them to church and christening them is considered a good thing.
If people really could spin in their graves we could harness it as a new form of green energy and power our homes by disgracing our ancestors.
People don’t like it when you share your opinion. They only like when you share their opinion.
Stephen Hawking can get his teeth cleaned by a dentist and still hold a conversation.
Z publikacjami w internecie jest jak z dziećmi, te, które się nie udają – usuwamy.
There should be a museum museum where you can learn about all of the museums around the world.
If Jesus had been stoned to death, Christians would all wear little rocks around their necks
Intelligence is like underwear. It’s important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
Every single decision you have ever taken has led to you reading this sentence.
If bees made beer, we would be taking better care of them.
My kids now share the same vague unfamiliarity with Arnold Schwarzenegger movies that I had with my dad’s favorite John Wayne movies.
If old people realized how little time the had left on earth, maybe they’d drive a little faster.
The Matrix would be a hell of a lot harder to get out of today with the lack of landlines available.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
I feel like 90% of being good with nunchucks is just not reacting when you hit yourself.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Cinderella must have a hard time shopping for shoes if literally no one else in the kingdom had her size
Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 70 mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
“Getting stoned” is either really good or really bad depending on what part of the world you live in.
One day, a random waiter or waitress gave you the kid’s menu for the last time.
Cars can drive themselves, phones are voice activated, and I can pay for groceries with my phone– but elevators still don’t have a “cancel” button.
I don’t believe in Mrs. Claus. I think she was invented because people couldn’t handle the idea of an unmarried elderly man watching children all year long then giving them presents based on his own deluded judgement of naughty and nice.
When my wife asks where I want to eat, she actually wants me to guess correctly where she wants to eat.
If you are waiting for the waiter, aren’t you the waiter?
There’s 2 kinds of people in this world, those who brake immediately upon seeing brake lights in front of them, and those who take their foot off the gas and think “let’s see how this goes”.
Odległy musi być czas, w którym kandydatów na najwyższe stanowiska jakichkolwiek państw będzie się kierowało na egzaminacyjne filtry, ażeby umysłowości wielostronnie marne bez wszelkiego miłosierdzia kierować do robót publicznych.
Hardware is just software which has crystallized early.
The history on my calculator is far more embarrassing than the history on my web browser.
If my wife would get dressed as fast as she used to when her parents came home early, we would never be late to dinner.
What if we had some sort of light that blinks on the side of cars to indicate a lane change.
We will be the last generation to have witnessed life without the Internet.
I am so happy I live in a world with Facebook. Before that, it would have taken weeks, even months, before finding out someone was an idiot.
You know how you can tap on YouTube videos to see how much time is left? I wish I could do that when some people talk.
The antonym of synonym is antonym.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Nie zaczyna się zdania od ‚Nie’.
I hope my dog never realizes that I’m full of bones.
By this point, i bet celebrities are offended if South Park still hasn’t made fun of them.
The word Fat just looks like someone took a bite out of the first letter of the word Eat.
I am glad that farts aren’t contagious as yawns
English is a hard language, but It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
If a zombie apocalypse happens in Vegas, does it stay in Vegas?
Humans are 75% water. Basically cucumbers with anxiety.
It must take a lot of talent to design windshield wipers that clean the entire windshield but still leave a streak only in the spot that I’m looking through.
If you step on a person’s foot, they open their mouth just like a garbage can.
If Sesame Street and Star Wars joined, there would be Cookie Wookies.
The most blessed people are those who sneeze the most.
The singular of sheep should be shoop.
Two eyebrows are just enough, one eyebrow is way too much!
People are very divided over what happens after death, but not over what happens before birth, even though they are essentially the same state of nonexistence.
My dog on Halloween: “Why do my humans dress in weird clothes on the Night of the Thousand Doorbells?”
It sucks when I read read as read and not read, so I have to re-read read as read so I can read read correctly and it can make sense…
We don’t pronounce the “k” in knowledge until we acknowledge it.
Lepiej zaliczać się do niektórych niż do wszystkich.
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.
If you have a problem with an entire generation you shouldn’t blame them. You should blame the generation that raised them.
Being born is the first time I did something for the last time and dying will be the last time I do something for the first time.
I find the offspring of entirely different species’ to be absolutely adorable, and I can spend hours interacting with them. My own species’ offspring, however, I find creepy and go out of my way to avoid.
A werewolf who doesn’t know that they’re a werewolf would be an unawarewolf.
Maybe it’s not that you lost a sock in the drier, but that you actually gained an extra sock.
Restaurants should hang their dessert menus on the inside of the bathroom stalls and at the top have it read, “since you’re making more room..”
If your parachute doesn’t deploy while skydiving, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
All dwarfs have beards and wear up to twelve layers of clothing. Gender is more or less optional.
Lawyers carry a briefcase in hopes that it will be a brief case.
The rotation of the Earth really makes my day
Our bodies are 70% water. We didn’t leave the ocean, we learned to take it with us.
My computer freezes when it overheats.
You are not, “stuck in traffic.” You are traffic.
Your anus is the back of your throat.
If you’re raised by a gay couple, but your parents divorce and marry other people, you’re going to have four moms. Or four dads.
Must have been nice before cell phones. You could push someone in the water and not have to pay them hundreds of dollars.
Maybe the reason you’re single is that your soulmate got stuck in a condom.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.
The Scarecrow in Oz wanted a brain but got a diploma instead, proving you don’t need a brain to get a diploma.
Gdyby wziąć wszystkie ziemskie słonie i poustawiać je jeden na drugim aż do Księżyca, to wszystkie te słonie by umarły.
Just as potential employers can ask for references from past employers, potential employees should be able to ask for references from past employees.
I have no idea how much I’ve forgotten.
What if autocorrect is the start of skynet and it is simply destroying us in tiny ways wherever potassium?
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
When the person who invented the usb dies, they better put the coffin in the ground, bring it back out, flip it over and put it back in.
They should really make couples pass a parent course before being allowed to have a child.
My dog understand several human words. I don’t understand any dog barks. He may be smarter than me.
I wish I could turn my nose inside out to clean everything off of it instead of picking it.
A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left.
I think the biggest difference between atheists and religious people is that atheist would change their minds if god proved real, believers would not if god proved inexistent.
If I throw around large amounts of shredded bread on public property, my proximity to pigeons determines whether or not I’m littering.
When keyless ignition in cars becomes a standard feature, survival rates in horror movies will go up 30%
What if the expansion and shrinking of the universe every 30 billion years is just the result of an unfathomable sized creature breathing?
When Math teachers used to tell us “you won’t always have a calculator with you” they couldn’t have been more wrong.
Paying for contact lenses every month is essentially paying a monthly subscription to see life in HD.
Amazon really needs a “I have £20 to spend and no idea what I want, show me cool things” button.
In just a few short years, my body has gone from saying “you don’t need to drink to have fun”, to “you don’t need to be having fun to drink”
If sentient life didn’t exist, the whole universe would have come and gone without anyone ever seeing it. For some reason that makes me feel sad.
Birth is the #1 cause of deaths.
The adjective “unlockable” can have 2 meanings. Something that can’t be locked, and something that can be unlocked.
There should be a reality show where people track down and expose people who’ve posted horrible and vile comments on the internet.
Brother Preptil, the master of music, had described Brutha’s voice as putting him in mind of a dissapointed vulture arriving too late at a dead donkey.
I’m glad that I decided to do drugs in high school instead of playing football, because football could have led to some serious brain damage.
My 15 year old self would be appalled to hear how many times I’ve chosen sleep over sex
Spotkałem niedawno mikrobiologa. Był dużo większy, niż myślałem.
Real friends are those who shit on your face and praise you behind your back.
The sentence “I never said she stole my bike” can be read with seven different meanings, depending on which word you emphasize.
All vehicles should be equipped with two horns, one happy and one angry
Horses went from pulling the cart to getting towed around in trailers. That’s a pretty good deal.
Puberty is basically when the thought of your crush seeing you naked goes from worst case scenario to best case scenario.
What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: „Why is it so dark in here?”
„‚E’s fighting in there!” he stuttered, grabbing the captain’s arm. „All by himself?” said the captain. „No, with everyone!” shouted Nobby, hopping from one foot to the other.
If there were no sentient beings in the universe, would it really exist?
I don’t care how safe it is. If I’m going skydiving, I’m clearing my browser history the night before.
If you leave milk & cookies out for Santa on Christmas Eve, and you put heavy sedatives in the milk, he’ll fall asleep and you can take everybody’s presents.
Telling someone you’ll pray for them is basically like telling them “I’ll sit around and think about your problems but I’m not actually going to do anything productive to help you with them”.
Life is like eating your favorite meal. At first your excited to eat it so you go through it fast. Then you slowly realize there is less and less of it and you should have taken your time with it. You try to slow it down, but eventually there is no more left.
I’ve been overwhelmed. I’ve been underwhelmed… Have I ever been whelmed?
Smartphones have probably caused a large decrease in the amount of bathroom stall graffiti.
We celebrate someone’s birthday by having them blow their germs all over a cake, then serving that to everyone around.
The older you get the more Christmas becomes a game of survival to return to normal life unscathed from people you don’t see often.
When Sting dies will we refer to him as Stung?
People are disgusted by monkeys because they masturbate all the time and fling shit at each other, But thats most of what humans use the internet for as well.
Does anyone feel 100% confident correctly pronouncing the word “Worcestershire”?
We live in a age where we have to prove to machines that we are not machines.
They should make a “millennials” version of Monopoly where you just circle the board, forever paying rent without the option to buy anything.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
The teenagers that made fun of me in school for being nerd and playing a musical instrument are now adults who want their kids to perform like I did in school.
Maybe plants are really farming us, giving us oxygen until we eventually expire and turn into mulch which they can consume.
The world would probably be a better place if people thought “Is it ethical?” instead of “Is it legal?” more often.
In peace times you can go to jail for killing people. In war time you can go to jail for refusing to kill people.
How fast a car can go from 100-0 is probably more important than how fast it can get from 0-100.
The atoms that make up my body aren’t mine, it’s just my time to use them.
When we want someone else’s thoughts, we say “penny for your thoughts.” When we offer our own, we say “putting my two cents in.” We value our own opinions twice as much.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Mick Jagger, 72, is having a kid, his 8th, with his 29 year old girlfriend, who is 16 years younger than his oldest child, which is 45. But two moms or two dads is too difficult to explain to a seven year old.
Nothing says “I’m rich” like sorting your search results from highest to lowest price while you shop
Farming is just a really long recipe to make poo taste better.
The problem is not people being uneducated; The problem is that they are educated just enough to believe what they’ve been taught. And not educated enough to question what they’ve been taught.
My goals in life have very good goalies.
If you’re no longer covered by your parent’s health insurance, your manufacturer’s warranty is over.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
The scientific field with the most groundbreaking discoveries is geology.
When your phone is on vibrate you get a text massage.
Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
Not once in my life have I stepped into somebody’s house and thought, “I sure hope I get an apology for ‘the mess’.”
If you cut a corner off a piece of paper, it gains a corner.
Reach for the stars, because even if you miss, you’ll be miles away from me with your motivational bullshit.
I’m pretty sure the urinal was invented when a tall dude walked by a sink and thought “why not?”.
If they put a Pokestop on the moon we’d get back there within 6 months.
Having a hair in your tooth brush is bad, but having a tooth in your hair brush is much worse.
Naming Iceland Iceland and Greenland Greenland is one of the biggest trolls of all time.
Once Time Travel Becomes Possible, It Always Has Been.
Despite humanity reaching being advanced enough to reach the moon, we still have people killing other people for not having the same imaginary friend.
After five movies, I’m pretty sure we can start calling them Highly Unlikely, Yet Doable Missions.
I bet dogs would be really disappointed to know we really don’t know what the heck is going on either.