# Pełna lista cytatów

Od jakiegoś czasu gromadzę pracowicie cytaty pojawiające się losowo na marginesie tego bloga. Trochę się tego nazbierało. Dziś postanowiłem udostępnić Czytelnikom pełną listę – a nuż ktoś znajdzie coś fajnego dla siebie?

Większość z nich to teksty sarkastyczno-dowcipne. Ale nie wszystkie, są też cytaty głębsze, poważne lub smutne. Ale te da się policzyć na palcach.

Uwaga: nie udało mi się tutaj wyświetlić autorów poszczególnych cytatów (pokazują się oni w „pojedynczej” wersji na marginesie bloga). Do wyświetlenia poniższej listy posłużyłem się wtyczką W4 Post List – nie udało mi się jeszcze wykombinować jak za jej pomocą wyświetlić również autorów. Może, kiedyś…

Bez dalszych wstępów, oto pełna lista:

I don’t think the girls at my college appreciate how handsome my mom thinks I am.
The number of eagles who can pick up a bull, you can count then on the fingers of one head.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
Iron Man is actually fe-male.
I wonder if life gives dyslexic people melons instead of lemons?…
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Paying for contact lenses every month is essentially paying a monthly subscription to see life in HD.
Amazon really needs a “I have £20 to spend and no idea what I want, show me cool things” button.
The hardest thing I ever attempted to do was to come up with a new letter of the alphabet without it sounding like the 26 that already existed
If I know someone can take a joke/insult without being offended, then I don’t mind if they insult me. But if it is someone who gets offended easily who insults me, I find that offensive.
What if we are part of a procedurally generated universe in a shitty video game created by another species that no one plays anymore.
Smoking is good for the environment as it kills humans.
Books are dead trees with tattoos.
Gówno i ka­pus­ta zaw­sze w parze idą. Jed­no popędza dru­gie. Per­pe­tuum mobile.
My dog on Halloween: “Why do my humans dress in weird clothes on the Night of the Thousand Doorbells?”
“Can I help you?” is about the nicest way to say “What the fuck are you doing here?”
Someone who doesn’t want to date you because your astrological signs aren’t compatible is probably doing you a favour
I hope I’m never in a situation in life where Tom Hanks will be cast as me in the movie.
Initially, we used to pay to listen to songs. Now we pay to skip them.
My wife’s going for a sonogram soon. Or a daughterogram. We’re not sure yet…
The Empire has built 3 deaths stars, each to be the most powerful weapon in the galaxy. They have all been destroyed by x-wings. The Empire needs to invest in x-wings.
If you’re the mother of only sons, you’ve broken a chain of having daughters that goes all the way back to the very beginning of time.
If a shaved guinea pig looks like a tiny hippopotamus. A hippopotamus with hair would probably look like a giant guinea pig.
You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
We humans have set up a society in which we require a minimum number of laps around the sun for a person to drink fermented plant juice.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
There will come a time in your life when the amount of times you have masturbated will outnumber the amount of times you will masturbate
Certain privileges become available to you based on the amount of laps you’ve done around the Sun.
If you really want to save the planet, stop having kids.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Volleyball is a intense version of don’t let the balloon hit the floor.
Spiders are just web developers that are happy to find bugs.
I have no idea how much I’ve forgotten.
Brother Preptil, the master of music, had described Brutha’s voice as putting him in mind of a dissapointed vulture arriving too late at a dead donkey.
You are not, “stuck in traffic.” You are traffic.
The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that's where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won't do if they don't know about it. This explains why it is so important to shoot missionaries on sight
I think the biggest difference between atheists and religious people is that atheist would change their minds if god proved real, believers would not if god proved inexistent.
I wonder if I already own any of the clothes I’m going to die in
We don’t pronounce the “k” in knowledge until we acknowledge it.
Tam gdzie dziś piętrzą się góry, będą kiedyś morza, tam gdzie dziś pełnią się morza, będą kiedyś pus­ty­nie. A głupo­ta po­zos­ta­nie głupotą.
When Math teachers used to tell us “you won’t always have a calculator with you” they couldn’t have been more wrong.
A kid napping is an incredible relief while a kidnapping is quite the opposite.
At age 30, you’ve spent a month having birthdays.
I am so happy I live in a world with Facebook. Before that, it would have taken weeks, even months, before finding out someone was an idiot.
A ja myślę, że całe zło te­go świata bie­rze się z myśle­nia. Zwłaszcza w wy­kona­niu ludzi całkiem ku te­mu nie mających predyspozycji.
Alcohol makes more people than it kills.
When you take a cigarette out of a pack, the pack becomes a cigarette lighter!
Restaurants should hang their dessert menus on the inside of the bathroom stalls and at the top have it read, “since you’re making more room..”
Science progresses by proving itself wrong. Religions progress by eliminating non-believers.
All models are wrong. Some models are useful.
If you live for people’s acceptance.you will die from their rejection.
There are more people offended by people being offended by everything than people who are offended by everything.
When we want someone else’s thoughts, we say “penny for your thoughts.” When we offer our own, we say “putting my two cents in.” We value our own opinions twice as much.
Humans are 75% water. Basically cucumbers with anxiety.
If I eat my meal from the frying pan at a restaurant, it’s sophisticated and a sign of quality. If I do it at home, I’m lazy and disgusting.
After clearing browser history, there should be an option to fill up history with “normal” websites instead of it just being empty.
Opera happens because a large number of things amazingly fail to go wrong.
They should really make couples pass a parent course before being allowed to have a child.
I’ve been overwhelmed. I’ve been underwhelmed… Have I ever been whelmed?
Becoming an atheist isn’t really becoming anything - it’s returning to your default state.
If you have experience as a kamikaze pilot, you are a shitty kamikaze pilot.
What if Gods test for us is how gullible we are and only the atheists go to heaven?
English is a hard language, but It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
Your bed is a shelf for your body when you’re not using it.
I can see atoms but only if there’s a bunch of them together.
Alicia Keys stops wearing make-up and everyone gives her props for being a beautiful, proud independent woman. I stop wearing make-up and people ask if I’ve slept this year.
Do twins ever realize that one of them was not planned?
The word “parallel” has a visual representation of its definition within itself.
When keyless ignition in cars becomes a standard feature, survival rates in horror movies will go up 30%
Its hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it is damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.
I know every digit of pi. Just not the order they go in.
Noses are in the middle of our faces because it’s the scenter.
People are very divided over what happens after death, but not over what happens before birth, even though they are essentially the same state of nonexistence.
It’s more accurate to say “deaths were postponed” than “lives were saved”
The first person to be scientifically made to be immortal will probably be killed by religious extremists.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
It’s weird how couples trying to have a baby always seem to take a while to get pregnant, but the ONE time my condom breaks I got a little “miracle” on the way.
- What is it that a man may call the greatest things in life? - Hot water, good dentishtry and shoft lavatory paper.
„So,” it said, „before unbelievers get burned alive… do you sing to them first?” „No!” „Ah. A merciful death.”
Trees are farming us. They give us oxygen so we grow nice and big, them we finally die, decompose and make food for them.
We never realize how many people we dislike until it comes to naming our child.
Nothing ensures the survival of a species like being tasty to humans.
He moved in a way that suggested he was attempting the world speed record for the nonchalant walk.
Dying of old age is basically saying death by survival.
It’s its when it isn’t it is.
One day I want to be rich enough to need a cart when shopping at Best Buy.
If I lost at Russian Roulette I wouldn’t even know.
- Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve? - Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records
Toilet paper should be free and have advertising printed on it.
65 million light years away, alien telescopes would be seeing dinosaurs on our planet.
Push up bra is like a bag of chips. Contents may seem full but when you open it, it’s half empty and you are disappointed.
Although bishops are not allowed to be gay, Bishops are the only pieces in chess who won’t go straight.
The word Fat just looks like someone took a bite out of the first letter of the word Eat.
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
My goals in life have very good goalies.
Christians are just bible nerds. They love to make their children cosplay the main character’s origin story, and go to conventions every week!
I fully expect first contact with another alien race to be like meeting new friends freshman year of college. Everyone is unrealistically ultra nice, and both sides are scared shitless the other will eventually find out how fucked up their home lives are.
The rotation of the Earth really makes my day
I rarely drink alcohol to the point of puking, but I always drink coffee to the point of pooping.
Nothing says “I’m rich” like sorting your search results from highest to lowest price while you shop
How fast a car can go from 100-0 is probably more important than how fast it can get from 0-100.
We use tables to keep food off the floor, tablecloths to keep food off the table, place mats to keep food off the tablecloth, and plates to keep food off of the place mats. I wish I had that kind of support in my life.
Every single decision you have ever taken has led to you reading this sentence.
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
Walking around without a case on my phone is a lot like having sex with girls without a condom. It feels good and looks cool, but I know eventually an expensive accident is gonna happen.
You have to be odd to be number one.
The Matrix would be a hell of a lot harder to get out of today with the lack of landlines available.
Set your WIFI password to 2444666668888888, when your friend ask just tell him it’s 12345678.
Odległy musi być czas, w którym kandydatów na najwyższe stanowiska jakichkolwiek państw będzie się kierowało na egzaminacyjne filtry, ażeby umysłowości wielostronnie marne bez wszelkiego miłosierdzia kierować do robót publicznych.
Google should have named their virtual reality headset Googley Eyes.
No enemies had ever taken Ankh-Morpock. Well technically they had, quite often; the city welcomed free-spending barbarian invaders, but somehow the puzzled raiders found, after a few days, that they didn't own their horses any more, and within a couple of months they were just another minority group with its own graffiti and food shops.
Jesteśmy jak na krze, która jest unoszona prądami technologii. Nie panujemy nad nią, nie wiemy dokąd nas niesie, nie wiemy jak nią sterować.
Technically you are always starving to death, and eating resets the timer
There are truck drivers who deliver bananas. Driving people bananas is literally their job.
In 1968, civil unrest fueled the media. In 2016, the media fuels the civil unrest.
The most average person on earth is a 24.3 year old Christian Chinese Man making $9,733 a year with 2.333 children and will eventually die from heart disease. History teaches us that mankind doesn’t learn from history. On the internet you can choose to be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid. Dragons would think its cool that we create water in our mouths. Horror movies used to fuel my nightmares, I miss that, now it just takes watching the news I have more respect for someone with opposing views but an open mind than someone with the same views and a closed mind. Everyone was born with a limited amount of fucks to give. During your teenage years you give a ton and slowly give less and less from there. If you take a woman to bed and her bra and panties match, I’m sorry to tell you she’s the one who planned everything. Christmas is the only day when you get presents on someone else’s birthday. If you treat sick animals, you may be considered a veterinarian. If you fought for Germany in WWII, you may be considered a veteran Aryan. Time is the only currency you absolutely will run out of, spend it wisely. Don’t spend it on hating people for disagreeing with you. The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp. - "What're quantum mechanics?" - "I don't know. People who repair quantums, I suppose." The best way to not lose you wireless headphones is with a Y shaped string between your headphones and your phone. He did of course sometimes have people horribly tortured to death, but this was considered to be perfectly acceptable behaviour for a civic ruler and generally approved of by the overhelming majority of citizens. (* The overhelming majority of citizens being defined in this case as everyone not currently hanging upside down over a scorpion pit) Watching Christmas movies about families celebrating Christmas has become more traditional than actually celebrating a traditional Christmas. If someone made special scissors for cutting paper made of stone, they’d be rock paper scissors. Remember when Trinity uses fast learning in the Matrix to fly a B212 helicopter? That’s how I feel when Google shows me how to fix a leaky toilet shutoff valve. If you don’t lie to the doctor about how much you drink, you’re not drinking enough. In 1916, the average person owned a horse and was considered “rich” if they owned a car. In 2016, it’s the other way around. Birth is the #1 cause of deaths. “Survived a shark attack” sounds a lot cooler than “Almost killed by a fish”. On April Fools Day, Brazzers should make a video where a hot male plumber goes to a sorority house and fixes the toilet and leaves normally. You can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies. What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?" You give a man a plane ride and he'll fly for a day. You push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life. Cars can drive themselves, phones are voice activated, and I can pay for groceries with my phone– but elevators still don’t have a “cancel” button. Life is like tetris. Your accomplishments disappear and your mistakes add up. My computer freezes when it overheats. One day you’ll either wake up and never go back to sleep, or go to sleep and never wake up again. On internet people don’t want to hear your opinion. They just want to hear you saying their opinion. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians! The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook. The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. "Meat pies! Hot sausages! Inna bun! So fresh the pig h'an't noticed they're gone!" At some point in your life, your parents go from hoping that you aren’t having sex, to hoping that you are. Horses went from pulling the cart to getting towed around in trailers. That’s a pretty good deal. Once Time Travel Becomes Possible, It Always Has Been. When a woman is giving birth, is she literally kidding? You cook bacon and bake cookies. After five movies, I’m pretty sure we can start calling them Highly Unlikely, Yet Doable Missions. If I touch my phone in the right places a pizza will arrive at my door. Kids wanna be teenagers, adults wanna be teenagers again. Everybody wants to be a teenager, except teenagers. In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded. Rather than give candy to kids who don’t need it, what if we gave food to the homeless once a year. If I linked enough watches together to make a belt, it would be a complete waist of time. When people say they love the smell of autumn, they’re basically saying they love the smell of dying plants, leaf rot and mold. Lawyers carry a briefcase in hopes that it will be a brief case. Reach for the stars, because even if you miss, you’ll be miles away from me with your motivational bullshit. My life is a series of increasingly difficult obstacles that I need to overcome in order to play video games at the end of the day. We’ve become so advanced that we spend at least the first 20 or so years of our lives getting caught up on the basics of what we’ve figured out so far. Maybe plants are farming us, giving us oxygen to breathe so we can die and turn into mulch for them. Being offended doesn’t make you right. Roz­daj wszys­tko, a uczy­ni to twą duszę szlachetną. A mie­szek i kałdun pustymi. I hope my dog never realizes that I’m full of bones. Doctors say each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life. Based on that math I should have died in 1732. If I run a red light my picture is taken in HD but someone robs a bank and the video looks like footage from minecraft. In order to fall asleep, we have to pretend to be asleep My TI-83 Plus calculator is almost 15 years old and works just as well as it did on the first day. Its outlasted every other piece of technology I’ve ever purchased for a similar price or greater. One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”. Gdyby ludzie od jaskiniowej epoki robili tylko to, co wyglądało na możliwe, do dzisiaj siedzieliby w jaskiniach. At any given time, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away. A physicist is a collection of particles trying to understand themselves. Before smart phones we knew a lot more about our shampoo. If I wrote a book titled “How to fail” and it never sold a single copy, it would be a success. If dentists make their money from looking after our unhealthy teeth then why would I trust a toothpaste 4/5 of them recommend? If you had$1 for every year the universe has existed (approximately 13.8 billion years). You wouldn’t even make the top 50 on the Forbes list.
As a pregnant woman, my body contains eight limbs, and therefore this is the closest I’ll ever be to being a spider…
If there are capital letters, why aren’t there capital numbers. I want to be able to yell statistics at people.
Farting is just shitting yourself on a molecular scale.
Onions are the only vegetable I know that try to prevent you from eating it through emotional manipulation.
They should make a show where they give contestants ikea furniture without instructions and see who builds it the fastest and most accurately.
Pacman is about a dude who has to take drugs to fight the demons chasing him.
Maybe it’s not that you lost a sock in the drier, but that you actually gained an extra sock.
Guinness World Records holds the world record for keeping track of the most world records
A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
Brushing your teeth is the only time you get to clean your skeleton.
If Sesame Street and Star Wars joined, there would be Cookie Wookies.
“Go to sleep, you’ll feel better in the morning” is the human equivalent of someone saying “Did you turn it off and turn it on again?”
I don’t believe in Mrs. Claus. I think she was invented because people couldn’t handle the idea of an unmarried elderly man watching children all year long then giving them presents based on his own deluded judgement of naughty and nice.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
As a 40yo, babies born today will be the future paramedics coming to help me when I’ve fallen and can’t get up
Gdyby wziąć wszystkie ziemskie słonie i poustawiać je jeden na drugim aż do Księżyca, to wszystkie te słonie by umarły.
I was much happier before the Internet because I was unaware of how shitty the world really is.
There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Everything in the universe is either a potato or not a potato.
The best part about Apple’s changes to iPhone 7 is reading about it on my Android device.
Every time the Guinness Book Of World Records adds a new kind of world record to the book, it breaks the world record for having the most world records compiled into a single book.
I’m very punk rock when I charge my laptop, phone, and headphones. I always use the same three power cords.
Of all the things that taste like chicken, surprisingly, eggs is not one of them.
Reddit is the opposite of Facebook. Reddit is people you don’t know posting things you care about. Facebook is people you know posting things you don’t care about.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
When I die, I want to be cremated and put into an hourglass so I can still spend time with my family.
If a zombie apocalypse happens in Vegas, does it stay in Vegas?
Adam and Eve were the first people to accept Apple’s terms and conditions without reading them…
people aren’t getting dumber, it’s just that stupid people get their voice heard easier now.
If old people realized how little time the had left on earth, maybe they’d drive a little faster.
Though, through, and tough don’t rhyme.
Babies are like random alarm clocks with really complicated snooze buttons.
There’s more planes in the ocean than there ever will be submarines in the air.
Here is a list of top 10 binary numbers: 1, 0
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
My dog probably thinks that I’m walking around the block alone for 12 hours while I’m at work.
I wish I could turn my nose inside out to clean everything off of it instead of picking it.
If you ever feel mad that you missed out on something cool, just remember that Michael Collins flew all the way to the moon on Apollo 11, just to stay in orbit while Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first humans to walk on the moon.
Apartments are really togetherments.
If I put something in the refrigerator the first time am I just frigerating it?
You can tell someone doesn’t read much if they keep trying to talk to you while you’re reading a book
The “It’s an older meme, but it checks out” meme is now an older meme, but it checks out.
Church is just the world’s biggest book club.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire - to be water resistant.
If 72 virgins is the reward for blowing yourself in a crowd of innocent people, someone should start a peaceful religion that awards 73 virgins for just being cool.
Ateistą jestem z powodów moralnych. Uważam, że twórcę rozpoznajemy poprzez jego dzieło. W moim odczuciu świat jest skonstruowany tak fatalnie, że wolę wierzyć, iż nikt go nie stworzył!
Does anyone feel 100% confident correctly pronouncing the word “Worcestershire”?
If you buy a used prosthetic hand, you bought your third hand, second hand.
Clint Eastwood is a anagram for Old West Action.
if you rob a bank you won’t need to worry about bills for the next 10 years, successful or not
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
I know I drive a worthless car when my worries about it being stolen depend on whether the fuel tank is full or not.
I bet dogs would be really disappointed to know we really don’t know what the heck is going on either.
99.99…% of the Universe will kill you instantly. The rest will take a little while to get the job done.
Thomas Edison got an idea that was so great, that it ended up being the universal symbol of a bright idea.
If you step on someone’s foot, they open their mouth, just like a bin does.
What if Mike was short for Micycle?
We put clocks in our mobile phones, so we didn’t need to look at watches. Now we put mobile phones in our watches so we don’t need to look at our mobile phones.
Two eyebrows are just enough, one eyebrow is way too much!
When your gas tank is empty it is full of gas.
If you’re no longer covered by your parent’s health insurance, your manufacturer’s warranty is over.
You can’t save anyone’s life, only postpone their death
An upside of Amnesia would be watching all your favorite movies again for the first time.
The world would probably be a better place if people thought “Is it ethical?” instead of “Is it legal?” more often.
We say that is wrong to take children to LGBT support events as they are too young to make their own choices, yet taking them to church and christening them is considered a good thing.
If you’re raised by a gay couple, but your parents divorce and marry other people, you’re going to have four moms. Or four dads.
I wonder if any prostitutes ever finish a transaction and tell their clients, “it was a business doing pleasure with you.”
My phone’s response to a low battery is to vibrate, turn the screen on, show a visual warning & chime loudly. This seems counter-productive.
I’m pretty sure the urinal was invented when a tall dude walked by a sink and thought “why not?”.
My 15 year old self would be appalled to hear how many times I’ve chosen sleep over sex
If shaving commercials want to impress me then they should shave a bison, not hairless legs.
Puberty is basically when the thought of your crush seeing you naked goes from worst case scenario to best case scenario.
We will be the last generation to have witnessed life without the Internet.
Jak się nie obrócisz, tak rzyć z tyłu.
They should make little sticks that sit behind your steering wheel to help people communicate with others on the road when they want to make a turn or merge into others lane.
At Night, I Can’t find one comfortable position to sleep. In the Morning, every position is comfortable to sleep
All dwarfs have beards and wear up to twelve layers of clothing. Gender is more or less optional.
My dog understand several human words. I don’t understand any dog barks. He may be smarter than me.
Our bodies are 70% water. We didn’t leave the ocean, we learned to take it with us.
I wish my bed was as comfy when I’m trying to fall asleep as it is when my alarm goes off.
When your phone is on vibrate you get a text massage.
The history on my calculator is far more embarrassing than the history on my web browser.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Most teenagers pull their phones out of their pockets to check the time. We are reverting to the era of pocket watches.
If you dig a trench beneath miners in order to sabotage them, you are mining under miners to undermine them
You know when two people kiss, they form a continuous tube with a butthole on each end.
I can’t decide if people who wear pyjamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
I wonder how child custody battles would be different if the kid got to live in the same house full time and the parents had to move in/out every week.
Maybe plants are really farming us, giving us oxygen until we eventually expire and turn into mulch which they can consume.
Any machine can be a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough.
In fact, no gods anywhere play chess. They prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight to Oblivion; a key to the understanding of all religion is that a god's idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
A czymże jest praw­dzi­wa męskość, jeśli nie wy­mie­sza­nymi w od­po­wied­nich pro­por­cjach klasą i szaleństwem?
Do you realise, it will only take one human to be immortal to make the average human lifespan infinite.
If you rip a hole in a fish net, there are fewer holes in it.
Humans being the only sentient life in the whole entire universe is scarier than the idea that other intelligent/sentient life exist too.
We use “pass” in a lot of ways to make things more polite. Like saying “passed away” “passed gas” and “I’ll pass” instead of “They died” “I farted” and “Fuck off.”
Don’t hate people for what they look like on the outside, hate them for the horrible pieces of shit they are on the inside.
There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking about.
If Bruce Willis dies from Viagra overdose, the headline will read “Bruce Willis Dies Hard.”
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
If Jesus had been stoned to death, Christians would all wear little rocks around their necks
Calling your Dad a motherfucker is a 100% accurate statement
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
Toasters were the first pop-up notification.
If you leave milk & cookies out for Santa on Christmas Eve, and you put heavy sedatives in the milk, he’ll fall asleep and you can take everybody’s presents.
There’s 2 kinds of people in this world, those who brake immediately upon seeing brake lights in front of them, and those who take their foot off the gas and think “let’s see how this goes”.
Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 70 mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Poglądy są jak du­pa, każdy ja­kieś ma, ale po co od ra­zu pokazywać...
Ever since I started using adblocker nobody wants to date me anymore
The singular of sheep should be shoop.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
The problem is not people being uneducated; The problem is that they are educated just enough to believe what they’ve been taught. And not educated enough to question what they’ve been taught.
The first 18 years of your life are like a free trial and the rest is pay to play.
Alcohol and drugs are like happiness banks; you take out a loan and pay it back later, with interest.
I mean, I wouldn't pay more than a couple of quid to see me, and I'm me.
“Getting stoned” is either really good or really bad depending on what part of the world you live in.
- Moją og­romną przy­warą - wy­jaśnił - jest niepo­hamo­wana dob­roć. Ja po pros­tu muszę czy­nić dob­ro. Jes­tem jed­nak rozsądnym kras­no­ludem i wiem, że wszys­tkim wyświad­czyć dob­ra nie zdołam. Gdy­bym próbo­wał być dob­ry dla wszys­tkich, dla całego świata i wszys­tkich za­mie­szkujących go is­tot, byłaby to kro­pel­ka pit­nej wo­dy w słonym morzu, in­ny­mi słowy: stra­cony wy­siłek. Pos­ta­nowiłem za­tem czy­nić dob­ro kon­kret­ne, ta­kie, które nie idzie na mar­ne. Jes­tem dob­ry dla siebie i dla me­go bez­pośred­niego otocze­nia.
Alcohol free and free alcohol are the polar opposites of fun.
Modern medicine is stunting human evolution by extending the lifespans of the weak and stupid and allowing them to procreate.
If two people on opposite sides of the world each drop a piece of bread, the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich.
I sit at work in front of a computer all day just to afford to sit at home in front of a computer all night.
Z publikacjami w internecie jest jak z dziećmi, te, które się nie udają - usuwamy.
Being born is the first time I did something for the last time and dying will be the last time I do something for the first time.
The scientific field with the most groundbreaking discoveries is geology.
The older you get the more Christmas becomes a game of survival to return to normal life unscathed from people you don’t see often.
Being born is a death sentence.
Swimming in lava is a once in a lifetime experience.
You know how you can tap on YouTube videos to see how much time is left? I wish I could do that when some people talk.
If Katniss and Peeta from “Hunger Games” were Hollywood celebrities, their supercouple nickname would either be Katpee or Peeniss.
I will not rest until I find a cure for my insomnia
We talk about Ancient Romans like they were basically all the same, but the civilization lasted almost 1000 years. That’s like saying people in 2016 and 1016 are basically the same.
We want restaurant quality food when we cook at home, but we also want home cooked quality food when we go to a restaurant.
How funny would it be if flatulating was as infectious as yawning.
This is the 21st century, where deleting history is more important than creating history.
There’s religious people going door to door to convince atheists to become religious. Imagine how much controversy there would be if the roles were switched.
In 2008, I bought an iPhone because it was the only phone with a 3.5mm jack. Now it’s the only phone without a 3.5mm jack.
The antonym of synonym is antonym.
There should be a “Toilet Paper Sampler” that sends me one roll of each major brand/type in a package, labeled with which one is which, so I can try them side by side and decide which one I like best.
"There must be a hundred silver dollars in here," moaned Boggis, waving a purse. "I mean, that's not my league. That's not my class. I can't handle that sort of money. You've got to be in the Guild of Lawyers or something to steal that much."
The teenagers that made fun of me in school for being nerd and playing a musical instrument are now adults who want their kids to perform like I did in school.
Paying for contact lenses every month is essentially paying a monthly subscription to see life in HD.
Not once in my life have I stepped into somebody’s house and thought, “I sure hope I get an apology for ‘the mess’.”
Wet socks are the worst first world problem. We are literally complaining about having both water and socks.
Mars is set to be colonized in the next decade yet I still can’t get a paper towel to rip along the perforated line with any sort of consistency.
If you have a problem with an entire generation you shouldn’t blame them. You should blame the generation that raised them.
Nig­dy nie ma się dru­giej okaz­ji, żeby zro­bić pier­wsze wrażenie.
If pigs could fly, their wings would be delicious.
The idea that I can just take something out of my ass and put it inside someone’s lungs is really disturbing on some levels.
If I throw around large amounts of shredded bread on public property, my proximity to pigeons determines whether or not I’m littering.
If there were no sentient beings in the universe, would it really exist?
Global Warming is just the planet getting a fever to try to kill of its infection
Ludzie dzielą się na trzy kategorie: na tych co potrafią liczyć i na tych co nie potrafią.
Hanging around is another thing tortoises are very good at. They’re practically world champions.
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
If you’ve had sex with less than 12 people, people that have had sex with you belong to a more exclusive club than those who have walked on the moon.
It’s interesting to watch kids learning to lie. They really suck at it to begin with. Then gradually get better. Then suddenly they just stop lying.
Just as potential employers can ask for references from past employers, potential employees should be able to ask for references from past employees.
It would be pretty shitty if the zombie apocalypse started on a Halloween night.
Google is like a cool landlord who lets you stay rent free, but you know that when you’re gone he goes in your room and sniffs your panties.
Real friends are those who shit on your face and praise you behind your back.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
You can go the rest of your life without breathing
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
Smartphones have probably caused a large decrease in the amount of bathroom stall graffiti.
I would be more excited to see an Olympics with fully doped, drugged, and modified athletes.
What if Pi is just the random seed for our universe.
The internet uses many terms relating to water. I can surf the web, stream a video, or wait until my computer freezes.
There should be signs telling you when drug free school zones end so you know when it’s OK to do drugs again.
As an avid camper, I have spent a lot of money pretending that I don’t have a house.
When the person who invented the usb dies, they better put the coffin in the ground, bring it back out, flip it over and put it back in.
If I had a pound for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the fuck was paying me, and why?
If anti-vaxxers really believed in their cause, they would band together to show lower rates of autism in their children over time.
I feel like 90% of being good with nunchucks is just not reacting when you hit yourself.
When someone says they’ve lost 2 or 3 pounds in a short amount of time, I picture them taking a giant dump and then stepping on the scale in victory.
Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.
Live like you’re broke, and you won’t be. Live like you’re rich, and you won’t be.
Tetris taught me when you fit in you disappear.
No one ever eats the donuts at the morning meeting but they disappear immediately when moved to the lunchroom after the meeting is over. I never see anyone eating them. Apparently, I work with a bunch of donut ninjas.
Religious people that haven’t read their Holy books are basically clicking “Agree” without reading the Terms and Conditions.
People don’t like it when you share your opinion. They only like when you share their opinion.
“up” is “dn”, upside down
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
Contractions are the ultimate push notifications.
Nie zaczyna się zdania od 'Nie'.
He was a slave: at word he went and came; His iron collar cut him to the bone. Then Liberty erased his owner’s name, Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own.
The skydiving business exists only because of surviviors bias. Its a bit hard to leave a bad review.
Może nie zro­bimy więcej niż jes­teśmy w sta­nie, ale pos­ta­raj­my się, żeby to nie było dużo mniej.
Nie ma snów śnionych wspólnie.
In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh & fucks off like 20 miles east.
You know what’s more fun than traveling with small children? Anything. Literally anything…
Suicide is literally the last thing I would ever do.
According to our brain, the brain is the most important organ in our body.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
If you’re deaf, every fart is a gamble.
There should be a reality show where people track down and expose people who’ve posted horrible and vile comments on the internet.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
With 7 billion people on Earth, every single day (24 hour period) there is over 19 million years of human experience that occurs.
Life is like eating your favorite meal. At first your excited to eat it so you go through it fast. Then you slowly realize there is less and less of it and you should have taken your time with it. You try to slow it down, but eventually there is no more left.
I don’t know if I am actually intelligent or just dumb enough to think I am
If my wife would get dressed as fast as she used to when her parents came home early, we would never be late to dinner.
The sentence “I never said she stole my bike” can be read with seven different meanings, depending on which word you emphasize.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
Growing up, everyone tells you to chase your dreams, but once you do, they tell you to be realistic.
I’m almost 150 lbs and just ate a burrito that was about a pound and a half. I’m 1% burrito.
I wonder what all of the people who type “U” instead of “you” do with all of that extra free time?
Gods don’t like people not doing much work. People who aren’t busy all the time might start to think.
Hardware is just software which has crystallized early.
If you say grace before you eat leftovers, I bet God is like, “Dude, I JUST blessed this chicken not even 24 hours ago, give it a rest.”
Postęp jest jak sta­do świń. I tak na­leży na ów postęp pat­rzeć, tak go na­leży go oce­niać. Jak sta­do świń łażących po gum­nie i obejściu, Z fak­tu is­tnienia te­go sta­da wypływają roz­liczne korzyści. Jest go­lon­ka. Jest kiełba­sa, jest słoni­na, są nóżki w ga­lare­cie. Słowem, są korzyści! Nie ma co te­dy no­sem kręcić, że wszędzie nasrane.
Hiccups never truly go away. They just get further apart.
Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
If they put a Pokestop on the moon we’d get back there within 6 months.
If your buttcrack was horizontal it would clap whenever you go down the stairs.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
If you are waiting for the waiter, aren’t you the waiter?
Once upon a time, history was written by the winners. Then the losers discovered the internet.
Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
In just a few short years, my body has gone from saying “you don’t need to drink to have fun”, to “you don’t need to be having fun to drink”
Are trees made out of wood, or is wood made out of trees?
It sucks when I read read as read and not read, so I have to re-read read as read so I can read read correctly and it can make sense…
The most blessed people are those who sneeze the most.
By this point, i bet celebrities are offended if South Park still hasn’t made fun of them.
The reason why there are so many dumb people in the world is cause only the smart ones choose to use condoms.
On the internet I can easily find a video of a snake being swallowed by a giant frog while attacking a cat but I can’t seem to find the right drivers for my laptop.
Cinderella must have a hard time shopping for shoes if literally no one else in the kingdom had her size
Spoons are just tiny bowls on sticks.
The news is basically just someone saying good evening and then giving you a list of reasons it’s not.
Sneezing while pooping is an efficient way to clear two passages at once.
Everybody knows that Jesus drove a Honda, but he didn’t like to talk about it? From John 12:49 ‘For I do not speak of my own Accord…’
Farming is just a really long recipe to make poo taste better.
The fact that we have a universally recognized hand sign for “fuck you” and not one for “I’m sorry” should really tell us something.
“Head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is just a song about what’s gonna hurt when you’re 50.
If you’re skydiving and your parachute breaks you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Naming Iceland Iceland and Greenland Greenland is one of the biggest trolls of all time.
Learning English is difficult, but it can be taught through tough thorough thought though.
I’d be more terrified by the absence of aliens rather than the presence of them.
If God took the seventh day off to rest, shouldn’t Christians not pray on Sunday and let him enjoy his day off.
Remember that every corpse on Everest was once a highly motivated person.
I am glad that farts aren’t contagious as yawns
If you dye your hair red, then you are trans-gingered.
No matter when you read this, someone just died.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Everyone wants a partner that is a great lover, but no one wants to consider how much practice that it took.
We celebrate someone’s birthday by having them blow their germs all over a cake, then serving that to everyone around.
If Jesus was well known for turning water into wine, why would the Romans crucify him rather than keeping him as a wine-manufacturing slave, and profit immensely?
With the PS4 Neo, Project Morpheus, and now the Nintendo Switch, we have a Trinity of new gaming platforms named after Matrix characters.
All vehicles should be equipped with two horns, one happy and one angry
"'E's fighting in there!" he stuttered, grabbing the captain's arm. "All by himself?" said the captain. "No, with everyone!" shouted Nobby, hopping from one foot to the other.
Myspace is so outdated that jokes about it being outdated has become outdated.
Of course, Ankh-Morpork's citizens had always claimed that the river water was incredibly pure. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys, they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed.
Maybe the reason you’re single is that your soulmate got stuck in a condom.
What year did Jesus think it was?
Screaming and yelling at customer service is like punching a monitor when your CPU fucks up
With an average of 7 lbs of feces inside them, 536 people have been to space. It costs ~10k per pound for a trip to space. We’ve spent around \$32.5 million shipping literal shit into space.
To find a needle in a haystack all you have to do is burn down the haystack.
Let’s give the top 100 richest people in the world cancer and see how long it takes to be cured.
I wonder if anyone has ever killed themselves solely because they were SUPER CURIOUS to see what happens afterwards and didn’t feel like waiting 60 more years dicking around on Earth
“Look, mom. No hands!” would be a great slogan for a unicycle shop, but a terrible slogan for a fireworks stand.
If Mary had baby Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God…. Then Mary really did have a little lamb.
“Go to bed, you’ll feel better in the morning” is just the human version of “Did you turn off and back on again?”
By­wają okaz­je, gdy zwyczaj­nie nie można się nie napić.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Cze­kaj­cie, klienty! Wnet wam pójdzie w pięty! Roz­le­ci się ten burdel Aż po fundamenty!
Saying “I lost the stylus for my tablet” would’ve still made sense over 2000 years ago.
The person who coined the phrase “coined the phrase” coined the phrase.
I always thought reality shows were stupid but then I remembered that in reality people are stupid.
You live longer when you work out, but that additional time is spent in working out.
There are more stars in the known universe than there are grains of sand. But in a single grain of sand there are more atoms than there are stars in the known universe.
Człowiek to rzeczownik, a rzeczownikiem rządzą przypadki.
After all the years of being asked in job interviews what my greatest weakness is, I have come to realize that my greatest weakness is the complete inability to think of a good answer to that question.
Po stu­diach hu­manis­tycznych można zos­tać tyl­ko nau­czy­cielem al­bo urzędo­wym gry­zipiórkiem, czy­li kimś, ko­go skrót roz­szyf­ro­wuje się ja­ko Dob­ry Urzędnik Państwo­wej Administracji.
I go to work so I can afford food to eat. I eat so I can have energy to go to work. It’s a trap.
Gyms should offer a membership package where you pay for every day that you don’t go.
Exceptio probat regulam.
If Tom Cruise put his car into cruise control, is it no longer cruise control?
All dwarfs are by nature dutiful, serious, literate, obedient and thoughtful people whose only minor failing is a tendency, after one drink, to rush at enemies screaming "Arrrrrrgh!" and axing their legs off at the knee.
All men like to think they’re marrying nymphomaniacs. The problem is, after few years the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.
Le­piej za­liczać się do niektórych niż do wszystkich.
The amount of battery life I have left when I leave work is a good indication of how productive my day was.
I wish my toilet had a scale measuring the contents of the bowl. You could link it to your fitbit data, challenge your friends, the possibilities are endless really.
Mick Jagger, 72, is having a kid, his 8th, with his 29 year old girlfriend, who is 16 years younger than his oldest child, which is 45. But two moms or two dads is too difficult to explain to a seven year old.
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
Been calling to the British football abuse Hotline, but apparently it's only for victims...
There’s nothing more suspicious than a clear browser history.
The use of birth control by responsible people is slowly replacing the human race with irresponsible people who get pregnant unintentionally.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Since taking my smartphone to the toilet, I know much less about my shampoo ingredients.
The person who prays for God to change things thinks God has arranged matters wrong, and also thinks they can instruct God on how they should be put right.
Before the internet, there were people who wiped while sitting and people who wiped while standing and they didn’t know that the other existed.

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