Techniczne

Pełna lista cytatów

Od jakiegoś czasu gromadzę pracowicie cytaty pojawiające się losowo na marginesie tego blogu. Trochę się tego nazbierało. Dziś postanowiłem udostępnić Czytelnikom pełną listę – a nuż ktoś znajdzie coś fajnego dla siebie?

Większość z nich to teksty sarkastyczno-dowcipne. Ale nie wszystkie, są też cytaty głębsze, poważne lub smutne. Ale te da się policzyć na palcach.

Uwaga: nie udało mi się tutaj wyświetlić autorów poszczególnych cytatów (pokazują się oni w „pojedynczej” wersji na marginesie blogu). Do wyświetlenia poniższej listy posłużyłem się wtyczką W4 Post List – nie udało mi się jeszcze wykombinować jak za jej pomocą wyświetlić również autorów. Może, kiedyś…

Bez dalszych wstępów, oto pełna (i zawsze aktualna) lista:

If you play Mario backwards its about how a guy leaves his wife an then the world keep getting easier.



Shower Thoughts

Your mouth is really just the beginning of your butthole.



Shower Thoughts

Game development is just a bunch of people working productively so that others will lose their productivity.



Shower Thoughts

Have you ever realized that anything Vin Diesel eats can be considered as diesel fuel?



Shower Thoughts

Dorastałem dosłownie o rzut kamieniem od tej posesji, na której cała rodzina umarła od tajemniczych urazów głowy.



JM

Cars can drive themselves, phones are voice activated, and I can pay for groceries with my phone– but elevators still don’t have a “cancel” button.



Shower Thoughts

If you leave milk & cookies out for Santa on Christmas Eve, and you put heavy sedatives in the milk, he’ll fall asleep and you can take everybody’s presents.



Shower Thoughts

At some point in your life, your parents go from hoping that you aren’t having sex, to hoping that you are.



Shower Thoughts

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.



George Carlin

I wish I was as brave as Internet Explorer asking to be my default browser.



Shower Thoughts

One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday, eight hours.



Shower Thoughts

Dogs protect humans from other humans and humans protect dogs from other dogs.



Shower Thoughts

Laughing at your own joke is a lot like masturbation. You’re pretty much the only one getting pleasure out of it and other people usually just feel awkward when you do it around them.



Shower Thoughts

In a 100 years, having I am not a robot test on your website is going to be considered discriminating.



Shower Thoughts

Before smart phones we knew a lot more about our shampoo.



Shower Thoughts

I wonder what PETA would do if their HQ got infested with rats.



Shower Thoughts

You can’t save anyone’s life, only postpone their death



Shower Thoughts

I’m very punk rock when I charge my laptop, phone, and headphones. I always use the same three power cords.



Shower Thoughts

Czy ktoś wie jak wyłączyć funkcję autokorekty u mojej żony?



JM

I wonder if I already own any of the clothes I’m going to die in



Shower Thoughts

If you “nailed” something, it’s a good thing, but if you “screwed it up” it’s bad. Why are nails better than screws?



Shower Thoughts

If you ever miss 4:20, just wait until 4:22 because 4:22 is 4:20 too.



Shower Thoughts

“Selfie Stick” sounds more like a sex toy than a phone accessory.



Shower Thoughts

Rozmawia ojciec z synem kilka dni przed ślubem.
– Jaki chciałbyś prezent ślubny dostać?
– Żaden, nie musisz mi nic dawać.
– Nie no co ty, muszę tobie coś kupić. No to co chcesz?
– Dwa jajka.
– A po co Ci dwa jajka?
– Na komunię mi ch*ja dałeś, to będzie akurat do kompletu.



JM

My goals in life have very good goalies.



Shower Thoughts

You give a man a plane ride and he’ll fly for a day. You push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.



NN

Vegans can’t use gas-based cars, because oil is made from dead dinosaurs.



Shower Thoughts

My 15 year old self would be appalled to hear how many times I’ve chosen sleep over sex



Shower Thoughts

Alicia Keys stops wearing make-up and everyone gives her props for being a beautiful, proud independent woman. I stop wearing make-up and people ask if I’ve slept this year.



Shower Thoughts

People seem to use “life is short” to justify doing something that will make it shorter.



Shower Thoughts

Ants have succesfully colonised all continents except, ironically, Antarctica.



Shower Thoughts

A sperm is essentially a zip file that takes 9 months to decompress.



Shower Thoughts

If I had a pound for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the fuck was paying me, and why?



Shower Thoughts

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.



Terry Pratchett

Problem with contraceptives is that those responsible enough to have children, are responsible enough to avoid them.



Shower Thoughts

When your gas tank is empty it is full of gas.



Shower Thoughts

I was much happier before the Internet because I was unaware of how shitty the world really is.



Shower Thoughts

If you lose your left arm, your right will be left and you’ll be all right.



Shower Thoughts

Tonight, the Moon will be visible from Earth. The last time this happened was last night.



Shower Thoughts

The word bed is shaped like a bed.



Shower Thoughts

The best part about using the bathroom at a child’s birthday party is that you can pee all over the seat and everyone will think it was one of the kids who did it.



Shower Thoughts

“Head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is just a song about what’s gonna hurt when you’re 50.



Shower Thoughts

Tam gdzie dziś piętrzą się góry, będą kiedyś morza, tam gdzie dziś pełnią się morza, będą kiedyś pus­ty­nie. A głupo­ta po­zos­ta­nie głupotą.



Andrzej Sapkowski

SPOiLER: ‘Growing up’ never happens. We just get larger, gain life experience (fuck up, a lot), and at some point have to pretend we know wtf is going on.



Shower Thoughts

Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.



Shower Thoughts

The Empire has built 3 deaths stars, each to be the most powerful weapon in the galaxy. They have all been destroyed by x-wings. The Empire needs to invest in x-wings.



Shower Thoughts

After witnessing people’s behaviour on the internet, and comparing it to real life human behaviour, the conclusion is that 90% of what we know as manners, common decency, human kindness etc is merely fear of consequence and or repercussions.



Shower Thoughts

In the Middle Ages they catapulted diseased bodies into cities to infect the population, now we have Anti-Vax parents sending their children into schools to virtually the same effect.



Shower Thoughts

You live longer when you work out, but that additional time is spent in working out.



Shower Thoughts

When your phone is on vibrate you get a text massage.



Shower Thoughts

Technology is getting so good it’s almost safe to push people in the pool again.



Shower Thoughts

If I lost at Russian Roulette I wouldn’t even know.



Shower Thoughts

Alcohol and drugs are like happiness banks; you take out a loan and pay it back later, with interest.



Shower Thoughts

If you wore an invisible cloak, we would still be able to see you, we just wouldn’t be able to see the cloak.



Shower Thoughts

In the 1960s, people fantasized the 21st century would have robotic vacuums, still have cats as pets, and some visionaries might have even predicted on-demand video. But nobody could have predicted the 21st century would have thousands of on-demand videos depicting cats riding on robotic vacuums.



Shower Thoughts

Naming Iceland Iceland and Greenland Greenland is one of the biggest trolls of all time.



Shower Thoughts

Everything smells a little like nose.



Shower Thoughts

If you had $1 for every year the universe has existed (approximately 13.8 billion years). You wouldn’t even make the top 50 on the Forbes list.



Shower Thoughts

The first 18 years of our lives are like a giant lag spike in a game, at first everything is fine, then it all unfreezes and you’re at half health and out of ammo.



Shower Thoughts

My dog understand several human words. I don’t understand any dog barks. He may be smarter than me.



Shower Thoughts

The hardest problem in computer science is not being an opinionated jerk about everything.



N. Takayama

If an adult has an imaginary friend, it’s psychosis. If a million adults have an imaginary friend, it’s tax-exempt.



Shower Thoughts

We put clocks in our mobile phones, so we didn’t need to look at watches. Now we put mobile phones in our watches so we don’t need to look at our mobile phones.



Shower Thoughts

Babies cry because they don’t understand the world, adults cry because they do.



Shower Thoughts

– Ile razy ja Ci już, Pietia, mówiłam, żebyś do cholery przestał być taki drobiazgowy?!
– Osiem.



JM

If you have experience as a kamikaze pilot, you are a shitty kamikaze pilot.



Shower Thoughts

Hypothermia is the coolest way to die.



Shower Thoughts

Being a wealthy Nigerian with legitimate overseas interests must be really hard.



Shower Thoughts

A circle is circular, a triangle is triangular, a rectangle is rectangular, but a square isn’t squarular…



Shower Thoughts

Bill Gates is like a maxed out video game character who has nothing else to do but help the noobs.



Shower Thoughts

If you have a problem with an entire generation you shouldn’t blame them. You should blame the generation that raised them.



Shower Thoughts

If Bruce Willis dies from Viagra overdose, the headline will read “Bruce Willis Dies Hard.”



Shower Thoughts

We will be the last generation to have witnessed life without the Internet.



Shower Thoughts

A nice cold drink and an ice cold drink is the same sentence with the space in different places.



Shower Thoughts

– Jaki język jest najczęściej używany przez programistów?
– Wulgarny.



JM

I had more freedom as a kid riding around on a bike than as an adult driving in a car.



Shower Thoughts

There should be sensors on public toilet seats that detects when someone peed all over them and locks the person in the stall until they clean it up.



Le­piej za­liczać się do niektórych niż do wszystkich.



Andrzej Sapkowski

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?



Shower Thoughts

We’re entertained seeing humans sliced up in movies, but never animals – We enjoy slicing animals up and eating them in real life, but never humans.



Shower Thoughts

There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.



?

“When I was your age, we used to walk miles through snow” has been replaced with “back in my, we only had dial up internet”.



Shower Thoughts

– Co robi hydraulik jak jest głodny?
– Pompeje…



JM

Straight people are the main cause of overpopulation.



Shower Thoughts

If you’re deaf, every fart is a gamble.



Shower Thoughts

My organs have never seen the light of day. If all goes well, they never will.



Shower Thoughts

A physicist is a collection of particles trying to understand themselves.



Shower Thoughts

Cleaning is like gambling. You might do okay for a while, but in the long run the house always wins.



Shower Thoughts

The only difference between skiing and water skiing is the temperature of the water.



Shower Thoughts

How much more interesting would watching sports be if they replaced the network commentators with one die hard (borderline beligerent) fan from each team and stuck them in the booth together? And allowed them drink during the broadcast?



Shower Thoughts

It’s surprising there aren’t any conspiracy theories that the ocean is bottomless because most people have never been to the seafloor.



Shower Thoughts

Since “you aren’t” and “you’re not” are the same thing, can we just invent “you’ren’t” and use that instead?



Shower Thoughts

Bycie przesądnym przynosi pecha.



JM

Your money’s not yours. It’s just your turn with it.



Shower Thoughts

Suicide is literally the last thing I would ever do.



Shower Thoughts

The opposite of a nightmare is a daystallion.



Shower Thoughts

When you’re criticised for being short, they’re really just saying the worse thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.



Shower Thoughts

One day you’ll either wake up and never go back to sleep, or go to sleep and never wake up again.



Shower Thoughts

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.



Albert Einstein

DĄŻENIE DO ŚRODKA

Środek też ma swój środek.
Chcę dojść do środka tego środka.
Środek tego środka
też ma swój środek.
Chcę dojść
do środka wszystkich środków.

Gdzie jest oś koła,
gdzie jest pestka owocu,
gdzie jest język u wagi,
gdzie jest sedno.

Muszę dojść do najbardziej środkowego miejsca
w raju środka,
w niebie środka,
w kulistym bogu środka,
w bogu środka okrągłym
jak pępek.



Anna Świrszczyńska

Remember that every corpse on Everest was once a highly motivated person.



Shower Thoughts

Hardware is just software which has crystallized early.



Alan Kay

Hand dryers are really just machines that warm your hands before you wipe them on your trousers.



Shower Thoughts

Połknąłem przez roztargnienie spinacz. Teraz siedzę przy biurku cały spięty.



JM

Maybe the ancient Egyptians didn’t actually deify cats, we just don’t understand their memes.



Shower Thoughts

If you’re skydiving and your parachute breaks you have the rest of your life to fix it.



Shower Thoughts

Pencils are an interesting metaphor for people; you use them till they get tired, then refresh them which takes a tiny bit off their lifespan, and after enough cycles all that’s left is what was written and the ability to erase it all.



Shower Thoughts

If Tom Cruise put his car into cruise control, is it no longer cruise control?



Shower Thoughts

Selling sea shells by the sea shore is probably not the best idea for business.



Shower Thoughts

Człowiek to rzeczownik, a rzeczownikiem rządzą przypadki.



Krystyna Siesicka

My kids now share the same vague unfamiliarity with Arnold Schwarzenegger movies that I had with my dad’s favorite John Wayne movies.



Shower Thoughts

Normal people are just people you don’t know very well.



Shower Thoughts

Every line in Finland is a Finnish line.



Shower Thoughts

– Skąd Ojciec Dyrektor ma tę czerwoną Teslę?
– Z nieba mi spadła…



JM

Life is like tetris. Your accomplishments disappear and your mistakes add up.



Shower Thoughts

Due to the evolution of bacteria with respect to our immune system, traveling forward in time could kill you and traveling back in time could kill everyone else.



Shower Thoughts

Cowboys go yee haw and ninjas go hee yah.



Shower Thoughts

An unintended pregnancy is a f*ng accident.



Shower Thoughts

Maybe when we die, the light at the end of the tunnel is that of another hospital, being literally born again, and we do so crying because we know we died and lost everything of our past life.



Shower Thoughts

Gambling addiction hotlines would probably get more traffic if every 8th caller won a cash prize.



Shower Thoughts

I hate quotations.



Ralph Waldo Emerson

There is a mental warfare in deciding whether to stay up later and suffer the consequences tomorrow, or to go to bed earlier and have tomorrow come sooner.



Shower Thoughts

The number ‘14233221’ describes itself; It has one four, two threes, three twos and two ones.



Shower Thoughts

Blondynkom to dobrze, im nie rosną zęby mądrości.



JM

Flat Earthers never seem to appreciate how lucky we are that the Earth is horizontal rather than vertical.



Shower Thoughts

The older you get the more Christmas becomes a game of survival to return to normal life unscathed from people you don’t see often.



Shower Thoughts

Reddit is the opposite of Facebook. Reddit is people you don’t know posting things you care about. Facebook is people you know posting things you don’t care about.



Shower Thoughts

Volleyball is a intense version of don’t let the balloon hit the floor.



Shower Thoughts

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?



George Carlin

A line of paint on the road holds more authority than i ever will.



Shower Thoughts

Talking about your own IQ is the fastest way to make everyone think less of you.



Shower Thoughts

It’s pretty ironic that Internet was created to save time.



Shower Thoughts

Saying “I lost the stylus for my tablet” would’ve still made sense over 2000 years ago.



Shower Thoughts

If you had an elephant shaped phone, would it be an elephone or a telephant?



Shower Thoughts

If ants make up 15% of terrestrial biomass and can lift up to 10 times their body weight, they should be able to collectively lift all other animals on Earth.



Shower Thoughts

Smartphones have probably caused a large decrease in the amount of bathroom stall graffiti.



Shower Thoughts

If we used horses instead of cars, we would have grass stations instead of gas stations.



Shower Thoughts

If you juice a watermelon, you get melon water.



Shower Thoughts

In fact, no gods anywhere play chess. They prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight to Oblivion; a key to the understanding of all religion is that a god’s idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.



Terry Pratchett

Church is just the world’s biggest book club.



Shower Thoughts

„Czuję się trochę rozbity” – rzekł schabowy do mielonego.



JM

Cannibalism has a potential to solve both Hunger and Overpopulation problem.



Shower Thoughts

The best way to not lose you wireless headphones is with a Y shaped string between your headphones and your phone.



Shower Thoughts

The reason why there are so many dumb people in the world is cause only the smart ones choose to use condoms.



Shower Thoughts

W Korei Płn. zakazano pluszowych psów. Dzieci dławiły się pluszem.



JM

If you’re being cryogenicly frozen, the best place to invest your money beforehand is the company that’s freezing you. If they’re unfreezing you then they’re probably doing good as a company.



Shower Thoughts

Człowiek nie dlatego się śmieje. że jest wesoły, ale dlatego jest wesoły, ponieważ się śmieje.



Stanisław Lem

Postęp jest jak sta­do świń. I tak na­leży na ów postęp pat­rzeć, tak go na­leży go oce­niać. Jak sta­do świń łażących po gum­nie i obejściu, Z fak­tu is­tnienia te­go sta­da wypływają roz­liczne korzyści. Jest go­lon­ka. Jest kiełba­sa, jest słoni­na, są nóżki w ga­lare­cie. Słowem, są korzyści! Nie ma co te­dy no­sem kręcić, że wszędzie nasrane.



Andrzej Sapkowski

Instead of looking up into the sky you’re actually gazing down into the infinite cosmic abyss with only gravity keeping you from falling.



Shower Thoughts

We want restaurant quality food when we cook at home, but we also want home cooked quality food when we go to a restaurant.



Shower Thoughts

Sean is pronounced ‘Shawn’ instead of ‘Seen’. It’s just not right.



Shower Thoughts

You never realize how boring you are until someone asks you what you do for fun.



Shower Thoughts

Relationships are just two people constantly asking each other where they want to go eat, until one of them dies.



Shower Thoughts

Eating a clock is time consuming.



Shower Thoughts

Ktoś wie, jak się zmniejsza poziom trudności w Tinderze?



JM

Alkoholik Marian zamiast kubków ma kieliszki smakowe.



JM

There is a giant, flaming ball of gas in the sky that’s been there from the moment we were born to the day we will die. And we’re not supposed to look at it.



Shower Thoughts

A package sent by car is a shipment, but a package sent by ship is a cargo.



Shower Thoughts

The first 18 years of your life are like a free trial and the rest is pay to play.



Shower Thoughts

If Katniss and Peeta from “Hunger Games” were Hollywood celebrities, their supercouple nickname would either be Katpee or Peeniss.



Shower Thoughts

Kupiłem wczoraj kilogram ryżu. Okazał się chińską podróbą.



JM

If 72 virgins is the reward for blowing yourself in a crowd of innocent people, someone should start a peaceful religion that awards 73 virgins for just being cool.



Shower Thoughts

We get off the couch and stop eating junk food so we can be hot and find a partner with who we can sit on the couch and eat junk food with.



Shower Thoughts

Remember when Trinity uses fast learning in the Matrix to fly a B212 helicopter? That’s how I feel when Google shows me how to fix a leaky toilet shutoff valve.



Shower Thoughts

If I throw around large amounts of shredded bread on public property, my proximity to pigeons determines whether or not I’m littering.



Shower Thoughts

Nie pytaj, co rząd może zrobić dla ciebie. Zapytaj, czy mógłby tego nie robić.



JM

I don’t believe in Mrs. Claus. I think she was invented because people couldn’t handle the idea of an unmarried elderly man watching children all year long then giving them presents based on his own deluded judgement of naughty and nice.



Shower Thoughts

Gyms should offer a membership package where you pay for every day that you don’t go.



Shower Thoughts

What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: „Why is it so dark in here?”



Terry Pratchett

Cinderella must have a hard time shopping for shoes if literally no one else in the kingdom had her size



Shower Thoughts

Christmas is the only day when you get presents on someone else’s birthday.



Shower Thoughts

Your future self is talking shit about you.



Shower Thoughts

If you treat sick animals, you may be considered a veterinarian. If you fought for Germany in WWII, you may be considered a veteran Aryan.



Shower Thoughts

Letting go of a loved one is hard but some times it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.



Shower Thoughts

That moment between birth and death is so awkward.



Shower Thoughts

An upside of Amnesia would be watching all your favorite movies again for the first time.



Shower Thoughts

I’m almost 150 lbs and just ate a burrito that was about a pound and a half. I’m 1% burrito.



Shower Thoughts

If con is the opposite of pro, then Congress is the opposite of progress.



Shower Thoughts

A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left.



Shower Thoughts

Our bodies are 70% water. We didn’t leave the ocean, we learned to take it with us.



Shower Thoughts

If two people named Jen and Eric were to get married, it would make a very common couple.



Shower Thoughts

If God took the seventh day off to rest, shouldn’t Christians not pray on Sunday and let him enjoy his day off.



Shower Thoughts

Shout out to all of the people wondering what the opposite of “in” is.



Shower Thoughts

Shoes are just portable floors.



Shower Thoughts

There’s religious people going door to door to convince atheists to become religious. Imagine how much controversy there would be if the roles were switched.



Shower Thoughts

If you say hi to someone named Jack, they have technically been hijacked.



Shower Thoughts

Your passwords are like your genitals: a lot less people actually want to see them than you think.



Shower Thoughts

If you lose both of your hands, you will never get the chance to speak Italian.



Shower Thoughts

If you come to my funeral… I’m not coming to yours.



Shower Thoughts

The past form of William Shakespeare is “Wouldiwas Shookspeared”



Shower Thoughts

The phrase “hold your horses” is telling you to be stable



Shower Thoughts

Somebody’s therapist probably knows a lot about you.



Shower Thoughts

If we trade 8 hours of our life for money every day, then every time we buy something we are paying for it with a piece of our life.



Shower Thoughts

Being famous on social media is like being rich in monopoly money.



Shower Thoughts

Being told Gravity pulls everything “Downward” and not “Inward” at a young age could explain why some people believe the Earth is flat.



Shower Thoughts

There are only two kinds of languages: the ones people complain about and the ones nobody uses.



Bjarne Stroustrup

Imagine if your fridge did what you do to it everyday. Every half hour it goes to your room opens the door, and stares at you for 5 mimutes then leaves.



Shower Thoughts

Squirrels always look and act like it’s their first day being a squirrel.



Shower Thoughts

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.



George Carlin

After all the years of being asked in job interviews what my greatest weakness is, I have come to realize that my greatest weakness is the complete inability to think of a good answer to that question.



Shower Thoughts

King Midas’s dog is most likely a golden retriever.



Shower Thoughts

Every “c” in “Pacific Ocean” in pronounced differently.



Shower Thoughts

If you pay $1000 for clothes that cost $15 to make, you look rich and society perceives rich people as smart. But logically, you’re just stupid.



Shower Thoughts

Screaming and yelling at customer service is like punching a monitor when your CPU fucks up



Shower Thoughts

Let’s take a moment to appreciate that mother nature not only pre-sliced but also pre-wrapped oranges.



Shower Thoughts

If watermelons exist, why don’t earthmelons, firemelons and airmelsons? The Elemelons.



Shower Thoughts

Weird how shoelaces untie themselves and headphone cords tie themselves.



Shower Thoughts

The “g” in benign is benign



Shower Thoughts

In schools, kids are categorized by date of manufacture.



Shower Thoughts

If anti-vaxxers really believed in their cause, they would band together to show lower rates of autism in their children over time.



Shower Thoughts

Humans are 75% water. Basically cucumbers with anxiety.



Shower Thoughts

Since there is no spelling for a fart sound, we should all agree to use the symbol :! because it’s a Colon Exclamation.



Shower Thoughts

Once Time Travel Becomes Possible, It Always Has Been.



Shower Thoughts

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of the chickens, you are a chicken tender.



Shower Thoughts

The truth is like fertilizer. It’s shitty but it helps you grow.



Shower Thoughts

The guy saying “the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun” is the guy trying to sell two guns.



Shower Thoughts

Asking an insane male squirrel “Show me yer nuts!” is a triple entendre.



Shower Thoughts

You have to be odd to be number one.



Shower Thoughts

Life is like eating your favorite meal. At first your excited to eat it so you go through it fast. Then you slowly realize there is less and less of it and you should have taken your time with it. You try to slow it down, but eventually there is no more left.



Shower Thoughts

To był ciężki tydzień. Miałem dwa bardzo intensywne przeżycia. Najpierw urodziła mi się córka, później powiedziałem o tym żonie.



JM

Dlaczego pewien Bóg nie ma jajek na wierzchu? Bo Jehowa.



JM

You cook bacon and bake cookies.



Shower Thoughts

The Internet would be a much more civil place if we had an official sarcasm font.



Shower Thoughts

Sneezing while pooping is an efficient way to clear two passages at once.



Shower Thoughts

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.



George Carlin

“Go to sleep, you’ll feel better in the morning” is the human equivalent of someone saying “Did you turn it off and turn it on again?”



Shower Thoughts

The first guy to discover cow’s milk must have been into some other pretty weird stuff.



Shower Thoughts

It’s not drinking alone if you’re pregnant.



Shower Thoughts

The fact that we have a universally recognized hand sign for “fuck you” and not one for “I’m sorry” should really tell us something.



Shower Thoughts

Cows are just edible lawnmowers.



Shower Thoughts

Jesteśmy jak na krze, która jest unoszona prądami technologii. Nie panujemy nad nią, nie wiemy dokąd nas niesie, nie wiemy jak nią sterować.



Stanisław Lem

The toothfairy teaches us to sell our body for money.



Shower Thoughts

All dwarfs are by nature dutiful, serious, literate, obedient and thoughtful people whose only minor failing is a tendency, after one drink, to rush at enemies screaming „Arrrrrrgh!” and axing their legs off at the knee.



Terry Pratchett

Between coffee and cocaine, it seems like the whole point of Colombia is to wake the rest of the world up.



Shower Thoughts

„There must be a hundred silver dollars in here,” moaned Boggis, waving a purse. „I mean, that’s not my league. That’s not my class. I can’t handle that sort of money. You’ve got to be in the Guild of Lawyers or something to steal that much.”



Terry Pratchett

If people would have to guess a number between 1 and 1,000,000 to win the lottery, no one will ever buy a ticket, even though they will have way higher chances to win.



Shower Thoughts

I sit at work in front of a computer all day just to afford to sit at home in front of a computer all night.



Shower Thoughts

The skydiving business exists only because of surviviors bias. Its a bit hard to leave a bad review.



Shower Thoughts

When you’re a kid you want your teeth to fall out for monetary reasons. When you’re an adult you want your teeth to stay intact for monetary reasons.



Shower Thoughts

If you sell prosthetics but don’t introduce yourself as an arms dealer, what are you even doing with your life.



Shower Thoughts

Introverts don’t make friends, they get adopted by an extrovert.



Shower Thoughts

The fatter you are, the more likely you are to win ‘Spin the Bottle’.



Shower Thoughts

Live like you’re broke, and you won’t be. Live like you’re rich, and you won’t be.



Shower Thoughts

If there were no sentient beings in the universe, would it really exist?



Shower Thoughts

„Meat pies! Hot sausages! Inna bun! So fresh the pig h’an’t noticed they’re gone!”



Terry Pratchett

Do you know that tingly sensation you get when you really like someone? That is common sense, leaving your body.



Shower Thoughts

If you manage to live until 113 years old, you become a teenager again.



Shower Thoughts

Człowiek jest małpą, która potrafi zrobić najprecyzyjniejszą brzytwę, aby poderżnąć gardło drugiej małpie.



Stanisław Lem

Documents that say “This page intentionally left blank” intentionally make the page not blank in order to tell you that the page is blank intentionally.



Shower Thoughts

The radio station in GTA V has more variety than normal radio stations.



Shower Thoughts

Gówno i ka­pus­ta zaw­sze w parze idą. Jed­no popędza dru­gie. Per­pe­tuum mobile.



Andrzej Sapkowski

I’d be more terrified by the absence of aliens rather than the presence of them.



Shower Thoughts

Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn’t last as long for obese people.



Shower Thoughts

When someone says they’ve lost 2 or 3 pounds in a short amount of time, I picture them taking a giant dump and then stepping on the scale in victory.



Shower Thoughts

Onions are the only vegetable I know that try to prevent you from eating it through emotional manipulation.



Shower Thoughts

– Potrzebuję tego na wczoraj.
– Nie ma sprawy, proszę złożyć zamówienie w ubiegłym tygodniu.



JM

If you tell a human that something is impossible, their first instinct is to test how impossible it is.



Shower Thoughts

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.



Shower Thoughts

There is an uninterrupted tube going from your mouth to your anus. Since your body doesn’t completely close it off. Really humans are just like giant donuts with arms and legs. Food never really goes in you it just touches the walls of your inner-donut until you absorb the nutrients.



Shower Thoughts

In real life, you’re scared of people finding your online life. In your online life, you’re scared of people finding your real life.



Shower Thoughts

Dentists are reverse tooth fairies; they give you teeth and then take your money.



Shower Thoughts

Boobs are like the sun, you can stare at them longer with sunglasses on.



Shower Thoughts

Let me not finish that sentence and offend you any further.



N.N.

Being born is a death sentence.



Shower Thoughts

If Jesus was well known for turning water into wine, why would the Romans crucify him rather than keeping him as a wine-manufacturing slave, and profit immensely?



Shower Thoughts

Lord Of The Rings would have been a lot different if Frodo had hidden the One Ring up his ass instead of wearing it on a chain.



Shower Thoughts

Opening the fridge every 5 minutes not because I expect there will be something new in there, but to see if my standards has lowered low enough to eat what’s left.



Shower Thoughts

The idea that I can just take something out of my ass and put it inside someone’s lungs is really disturbing on some levels.



Shower Thoughts

A church is a book club that has been stuck with the same book.



Shower Thoughts

Spotkałem dzisiaj mikrobiologa. Był dużo większy, niż to sobie wyobrażałem.



JM

Give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man and he’ll eat for a week!



Shower Thoughts

Saying that you speak without an accent is like saying your research paper was not typed in a font.



Shower Thoughts

There should be a “Toilet Paper Sampler” that sends me one roll of each major brand/type in a package, labeled with which one is which, so I can try them side by side and decide which one I like best.



Shower Thoughts

There are 7.66 billion people on earth. There are 365.25 days in an average year. To the 20.9 million people whose birthday is today, happy birthday!



Shower Thoughts

Toilet paper should be free and have advertising printed on it.



Shower Thoughts

Verb is a noun.



Shower Thoughts

I go to work so I can afford food to eat. I eat so I can have energy to go to work. It’s a trap.



Shower Thoughts

‘You’re smarter than you look’ is both an insult and a compliment.



Shower Thoughts

The singular of sheep should be shoop.



Shower Thoughts

Matka zapytała, co robię w Wielkanoc. Odpowiedziałem, że to samo, co Jezus: znikam w piątek i pojawiam się w niedzielę.



JM

Kiedy wracałem z wakacji linie lotnicze naliczyły mi dodatkową opłatę, bo miałem za duży bagaż wspomnień.



JM

Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have diarrhea.



Shower Thoughts

– Dlaczego Pannę Młodą przenosi się przez próg?
– A pralkę i zmywarkę to wnosisz czy sama wchodzi?



JM

Halloween must feel really weird for Jehova’s Witnesses, as random people start knocking on their doors instead of the other way around.



Shower Thoughts

Every single decision you have ever taken has led to you reading this sentence.



Shower Thoughts

In order for a relationship to be considered successful, eventually someone has to die.



Shower Thoughts

Jobs that hurt people pay a lot more than jobs that help people.



Shower Thoughts

When AI gets really smart it’ll be smart enough to not reveal how smart it is.



Shower Thoughts

Fingers and toes aren’t that different, but getting fingered and getting towed are very different.



Shower Thoughts

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.



Shower Thoughts

You can tell someone doesn’t read much if they keep trying to talk to you while you’re reading a book



Shower Thoughts

If someone tells you they are constipated they might not be lying but they are still full of shit.



Shower Thoughts

Having a cat is a lot like having a college roommate. Most of the time you each do your own thing, but occasionally you hang out. Also, they sometimes try to eat your food and throw up in your laundry.



Shower Thoughts

Someone with Parkinson’s would have a lot of trouble stealing a tambourine.



Shower Thoughts

It’s better to find spinach in your teeth than it is to find teeth in your spinach.



Shower Thoughts

If two pregnant women have a fist fight it’s like a mecha battle between unborn babies.



Shower Thoughts

Looking for a piece of hay in a needle stack would be a lot more challenging.



Shower Thoughts

If you live 70 years, you spent 10 years on Monday.



Shower Thoughts

“Survived a shark attack” sounds a lot cooler than “Almost killed by a fish”.



Shower Thoughts

From the ages of 0-5 adults encourage you to walk and talk. From 5 until you die people tell you to sit down and shut up.



Shower Thoughts

Guinness World Records holds the world record for keeping track of the most world records



Shower Thoughts

Dogs barking at each other with a fence in the middle is a lot like people talking on the internet.



Shower Thoughts

– Miałeś palić węglem, żeby mniej zanieczyszczać powietrze. Pamiętasz? Czym palisz?
– Miałem…



JM

Indoor cats and dogs must think humans are having a constant pissing war over who the toilet belongs to.



Shower Thoughts

Bread is just like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.



Shower Thoughts

The hardest thing I ever attempted to do was to come up with a new letter of the alphabet without it sounding like the 26 that already existed



Shower Thoughts

In the future, people will probably look at terabytes and petabytes the same way we do the bytes and kilobytes.



Shower Thoughts

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.



George Carlin

The guy that built a rocket to launch himself into space to prove that the earth is flat is a perfect example of how you can be extremely intelligent in one area but extremely dumb in another.



Shower Thoughts

Fishing and releasing is kinda like chasing a stranger with a knife, stabbing them and then saying, “Ok thanks, you can go now”



Shower Thoughts

Every single knife is cutting edge technology.



Shower Thoughts

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”



George Carlin

Of course, Ankh-Morpork’s citizens had always claimed that the river water was incredibly pure. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys, they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed.



Terry Pratchett

History teaches us that mankind doesn’t learn from history.



Shower Thoughts

An hour glass has more moving parts than a complicated wrist watch.



Shower Thoughts

If a woman doesn’t want a baby it’s her choice, If a guy doesn’t want a baby he is avoiding his responsibility.



Shower Thoughts

Birth is the #1 cause of deaths.



Shower Thoughts

If you’re the mother of only sons, you’ve broken a chain of having daughters that goes all the way back to the very beginning of time.



Shower Thoughts

If my wife would get dressed as fast as she used to when her parents came home early, we would never be late to dinner.



Shower Thoughts

Since you only run one side of your blinkers at once, aren’t they winkers?



Shower Thoughts

Despacito 2 could be titled Dospacito and Despacito 3 can be titled Trespacito.



Shower Thoughts

Kids wanna be teenagers, adults wanna be teenagers again. Everybody wants to be a teenager, except teenagers.



Shower Thoughts

Nig­dy nie ma się dru­giej okaz­ji, żeby zro­bić pier­wsze wrażenie.



Andrzej Sapkowski

The Matrix would be a hell of a lot harder to get out of today with the lack of landlines available.



Shower Thoughts

Porn stars don’t have private parts.



Shower Thoughts

If you buy cereal in a plastic bag but not a cardboard box, it’s seen as a bit trashy. If you buy wine in a cardboard box but not a bottle, it’s seen as a bit trashy. Therefore, buying cereal in a glass bottle is clearly the most sophisticated option.



Shower Thoughts

Two eyebrows are just enough, one eyebrow is way too much!



Shower Thoughts

When the person who invented the usb dies, they better put the coffin in the ground, bring it back out, flip it over and put it back in.



Shower Thoughts

Allergies to pollen is just your body rejecting the sexual advances of a different look lifeform. Perhaps it’s the people without allergies who are the sickos.



Shower Thoughts

Apartments are really togetherments.



Shower Thoughts

Some dude a long time ago didn’t want to wedding dress shopping with his girl. Therefore, he convinced her it would be bad luck for him to see the dress before the wedding. Genius.



Shower Thoughts

Schrodinger’s cat has been in that box for more than 80 years. It’s dead.



Shower Thoughts

A beginner thinks they know most of a subject, an intermediate thinks they know some of a subject, an expert thinks they know almost nothing and a master thinks no-one knows anything.



Shower Thoughts

If you step on a person’s foot, they open their mouth just like a garbage can.



Shower Thoughts

Jeśli płacicie ludziom za to, że nie pracują, a każecie im płacić podatki gdy pracują, nie dziwcie się, że macie bezrobocie.



Milton Friedman

Where does the white go, when the snow melts?



N.N.

Maybe it’s not that you lost a sock in the drier, but that you actually gained an extra sock.



Shower Thoughts

Vegans that feed their carnivorous pets a vegan diet do to their beliefs is a form of torture. It is the slowest form of torture to be honest. They withhold proper nutrients while keeping that animal alive just long enough to endure a slow and painful death. It may be the most cruelest way to die.



Shower Thoughts

I bet they are making so many Fast & Furious films just so they can make “Fast10 Your Seatbelts”.



Shower Thoughts

He moved in a way that suggested he was attempting the world speed record for the nonchalant walk.



Terry Pratchett

Soon we will have ghosts that will only stay in a corner with their phones laughing faintly from time to time.



Shower Thoughts

I wonder if life gives dyslexic people melons instead of lemons?…



Shower Thoughts

Heck is where you go when you don’t believe in gosh.



Shower Thoughts

The guy who invented the phrase “one hit wonder”, probably never came up with another famous expression.



Shower Thoughts

If you had your entire lower half bitten off by sharks but didn’t care, you’d be like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯



Shower Thoughts

In 1916, the average person owned a horse and was considered “rich” if they owned a car. In 2016, it’s the other way around.



Shower Thoughts

if you rob a bank you won’t need to worry about bills for the next 10 years, successful or not



Shower Thoughts

It must take a lot of talent to design windshield wipers that clean the entire windshield but still leave a streak only in the spot that I’m looking through.



Shower Thoughts

Your whole life is just a short break from not existing.



Shower Thoughts

The first rule of passive aggressive club is…you know what, nevermind. It’s FINE



Shower Thoughts

At this moment there’s a giant perpetually exploding orb in the sky that will blind you if you look at it and the only thing that protects everything from being destroyed by its scorching rays is a magic forcefield generated by a swirling volcano in the planet’s core.



Shower Thoughts

Seeing someone with two cell phones you assume one for business and one for personal use. Seeing somone with three you wonder if his two families know about each other.



Shower Thoughts

Cells multiply by dividing.



Shower Thoughts

Instead of LMAO or LOL, I’m gonna start using BATMN (blew air through my nose) because that’s what I really do when I read something funny.



Shower Thoughts

Here is a list of top 10 binary numbers: 1, 0



NN

Phones are getting smarter and thinner, people not so much.



Shower Thoughts

Gluesticks are the stickiest sticks.



Shower Thoughts

You shouldn’t worry if your life feels incomplete. If it was complete you’d be dead.



Shower Thoughts

A thousand years ago people were probably complaining about how those damn millennials were ruining the Middle Ages.



Shower Thoughts

Push up bra is like a bag of chips. Contents may seem full but when you open it, it’s half empty and you are disappointed.



Shower Thoughts

Maybe the reason you’re single is that your soulmate got stuck in a condom.



Shower Thoughts

The rotation of the Earth really makes my day



Shower Thoughts

For centuries, humans have waged war because we can’t agree on which books are fiction and which books are nonfiction.



Shower Thoughts

Germans should use an Ü instead of 🙂



Shower Thoughts

What if Mike was short for Micycle?



Shower Thoughts

Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 70 mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.



Shower Thoughts

Initially, we used to pay to listen to songs. Now we pay to skip them.



Shower Thoughts

My dog on Halloween: “Why do my humans dress in weird clothes on the Night of the Thousand Doorbells?”



Shower Thoughts

Mick Jagger, 72, is having a kid, his 8th, with his 29 year old girlfriend, who is 16 years younger than his oldest child, which is 45. But two moms or two dads is too difficult to explain to a seven year old.



Shower Thoughts

If the fat acceptance movement marched enough it would resolve itself.



Shower Thoughts

If you buy a lottery ticket, and the draw has not been made yet, are you Schrödinger’s millionaire?



Shower Thoughts

People who bleach their anus are potentially changing their “ring tone”



Shower Thoughts

Sex is like the stock market. If you don’t pull out at the right time you end up losing a bunch of money.



Shower Thoughts

„‚E’s fighting in there!” he stuttered, grabbing the captain’s arm. „All by himself?” said the captain. „No, with everyone!” shouted Nobby, hopping from one foot to the other.



Terry Pratchett

You’re unlikely to see negative reviews when shopping online for a parachute.



Shower Thoughts

Alcohol free and free alcohol are the polar opposites of fun.



Shower Thoughts

Relationship is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.



Shower Thoughts

There should be signs telling you when drug free school zones end so you know when it’s OK to do drugs again.



Shower Thoughts

The Earth is a machine that is slowly turning the sun into humans.



Shower Thoughts

There’s nothing more suspicious than a clear browser history.



Shower Thoughts

Being offended doesn’t make you right.



Shower Thoughts

You know you had a good break from work when you come back and can’t remember any passwords.



Shower Thoughts

Zombies are the only ones who genuinely prefer brains over looks.



Shower Thoughts

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.



George Carlin

Finland doesn’t have any prominent folklore about the dead rising to haunt the living, but while dressing a body for burial it’s a tradition to bind the corpse’s legs together. Maybe that’s why there is no prominent folklore of the undead haunting the living.



Shower Thoughts

Kiedyś prawdopodobnie zrzucę wagę, ale najpierw muszę przestać maczać snickersy w nutelli.



JM

Giraffes must take forever to vomit.



Shower Thoughts

Ostatnie badania wykazały, że 42% Amerykanów ma nadwagę, a 34% jest otyła. Pozostali zjedli ankiety.



JM

There are more stars in the known universe than there are grains of sand. But in a single grain of sand there are more atoms than there are stars in the known universe.



Shower Thoughts

Your IQ is just a measure of how good you are at IQ tests.



Shower Thoughts

Making and cooking food are practically the same thing, but making and cooking babies are completely different things.



Shower Thoughts

Farting someone awake is an achievement. Farting someone asleep is attempted murder.



Shower Thoughts

There is a fine line between numerator and denominator. Sadly, only a fraction of people understands this.



Shower Thoughts

Everything in the universe is either a potato or not a potato.



Shower Thoughts

The „f” in „Saudi Arabia” stands for „female rights”



Shower Thoughts

Someone who says he will be there in 6 minutes, will most likely show up earlier, than someone who says he will be there in 5 minutes.



Shower Thoughts

Being poor is having too much month at the end of your money.



Shower Thoughts

What if we are part of a procedurally generated universe in a shitty video game created by another species that no one plays anymore.



Shower Thoughts

If soda cans were square, root beer would just be beer.



Shower Thoughts

No-one goes there anymore – it’s too crowded.



An old joke

The best part about Apple’s changes to iPhone 7 is reading about it on my Android device.



Shower Thoughts

I wonder how long it takes for a Giraffe to throw up.



Shower Thoughts

If you run in front of a car you get tired. If you run behind a car you get exhausted.



Shower Thoughts

“No kidding” is a great condom slogan.



Shower Thoughts

If a zombie apocalypse happens in Vegas, does it stay in Vegas?



Shower Thoughts

What if autocorrect is the start of skynet and it is simply destroying us in tiny ways wherever potassium?



Shower Thoughts

„Slang” is just short for „short language”



Shower Thoughts

Don’t hate people for what they look like on the outside, hate them for the horrible pieces of shit they are on the inside.



Shower Thoughts

If someone made special scissors for cutting paper made of stone, they’d be rock paper scissors.



Shower Thoughts

Mars is set to be colonized in the next decade yet I still can’t get a paper towel to rip along the perforated line with any sort of consistency.



Shower Thoughts

The person who coined the phrase “coined the phrase” coined the phrase.



Shower Thoughts

You can cook an egg and you can bake an egg, you can egg a cook but you can’t egg a bake.



Shower Thoughts

Teologia porównawcza – kapłani wyciągają swoich bogów i porównują, który większy.



JM

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.



George Carlin

Alabama is 57% A



Shower Thoughts

People who poo on the toilet seats walk among us every day and we don’t even know who they are.



Shower Thoughts

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.



Shower Thoughts

The only time incorrectly isn’t spelt incorrectly, is when it’s spelt incorrectly.



Shower Thoughts

Modern medicine is stunting human evolution by extending the lifespans of the weak and stupid and allowing them to procreate.



Shower Thoughts

Baristas probably have the worst customer experiences since they have to deal with people before they’ve had their morning coffee.



Shower Thoughts

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is just the art of folding clothes with people still in them.



Shower Thoughts

If they put a Pokestop on the moon we’d get back there within 6 months.



Shower Thoughts

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!



George Carlin

Being a parent is like having a garbage roommate that you love unconditionally.



Shower Thoughts

If poison expires is it more poisonous or less poisonous?



Shower Thoughts

Kobiety są mi potrzebne do życia jak powietrze. Tylko te opłaty klimatyczne…



JM

As a 40yo, babies born today will be the future paramedics coming to help me when I’ve fallen and can’t get up



Shower Thoughts

Someone claiming you’re defensive is a pretty hard claim to refute.



Shower Thoughts

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.



Terry Pratchett

All the electrons,protons and neutrons in your body were created at the beginning of time, They have always existed and they will be there long after your death.



Shower Thoughts

There must be anti-vaxxers who laugh at the flat-earthers and vice versa.



Shower Thoughts

People that got dumped by astronauts shouldn’t feel bad. It wasn’t that they were a bad partner. They just needed space.



Shower Thoughts

Take a rectangular table with 4 corners. Cut off one of them. You have 5 corners now.

4-1=5



Shower Thoughts

Procrastination is just your past/present self trusting your future self to do all the work. Technically, procrastination is just you believing in yourself.



Shower Thoughts

Widziałem ostatnio taką wystawę. Była tam wielka iluzja optyczna. Potem się jednak zorientowałem, że to tylko sprawiało wrażenie iluzji.



JM

There’s more planes in the ocean than there ever will be submarines in the air.



Shower Thoughts

If banks made 6 billion dollars from overdraft fees last year, then banks made 6 billion off of people who don’t have money.



Shower Thoughts

Books are dead trees with tattoos.



Shower Thoughts

Island is short for isolated land.



Shower Thoughts

Kiedyś weekendy to były małe wakacje. Teraz to minutowe przerwy między rundami na ringu.



JM

To spell panda, you really only need P and A



Shower Thoughts

They should really make couples pass a parent course before being allowed to have a child.



Shower Thoughts

Watching someone get go into apeshit rage over something completely arbitrary is hilarious for as long as they’re not family and you’re not in customer service.



Shower Thoughts

– Jaka jest różnica między parlamentarzystą a windziarzem?
– Windziarz potrafi obsługiwać więcej guzików.



JM

Janusz, czytając w supermarkecie skład Domestosu, z przyzwyczajenia zaczął stawiać klocka.



JM

The first person to be scientifically made to be immortal will probably be killed by religious extremists.



Shower Thoughts

Once you become the oldest living human, you are guaranteed to keep that title for the rest of your life.



Shower Thoughts

Gdyby wilk nie zaczepił w ciemnym lesie nieznanej dziewczynki w czerwonej czapeczce, nadal by żył.



JM

Everybody knows that Jesus drove a Honda, but he didn’t like to talk about it?
From John 12:49 ‘For I do not speak of my own Accord…’



Shower Thoughts

The sentence “I never said she stole my bike” can be read with seven different meanings, depending on which word you emphasize.



Shower Thoughts

Ludzie dzielą się na trzy kategorie: na tych co potrafią liczyć i na tych co nie potrafią.



Autor nieznany

Calling your Dad a motherfucker is a 100% accurate statement



Shower Thoughts

Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.



If you boil a lobster alive you’re a chef, but if you do the same thing to a kitten you’re a monster.



Shower Thoughts

The octopus was the result of an evolutionary arms race.



Shower Thoughts

Your stomach is always filled with warm vomit.



Shower Thoughts

The current most cutting edge research in physics is the quantum mechanical equivalent of banging rocks together.



Shower Thoughts

65 million light years away, alien telescopes would be seeing dinosaurs on our planet.



Shower Thoughts

No one wants to buy a second hand toilet, unless it comes already installed with the house – then nobody notices.



Adults think its disrespectful when you don’t let them disrespect you.



Shower Thoughts

The second hand on a clock is the third hand.



Shower Thoughts

To drive a car, you need a license. To build a home, you need a license. To go fishing, you need a license. Yet, almost any person can just up and bring a new human into the world.



Shower Thoughts

The word Fat just looks like someone took a bite out of the first letter of the word Eat.



Shower Thoughts

Christians are just bible nerds. They love to make their children cosplay the main character’s origin story, and go to conventions every week!



Shower Thoughts

Sometime soon you may have to choose between charging your phone, book, cigarette, watch or girlfriend.



Shower Thoughts

To a dog, walks are like those escort missions in games where the NPC always moves annoyingly slow.



Shower Thoughts

When you take a cigarette out of a pack, the pack becomes a cigarette lighter!



Shower Thoughts

We say that Italy is shaped like a boot but the Italian peninsula is a lot older than boots so really boots are the shape of Italy, not the other way around.



Shower Thoughts

If alpacas could sing in a group it would be alpacacappella.



Shower Thoughts

Life is like a box of chocolates, halfway through you realise how much you hate yourself.



Shower Thoughts

February 22nd, 2022 (2/22/22) falls on a Tuesday, making it 2’s day.



Shower Thoughts

Cheese is just a loaf of milk.



Shower Thoughts

If the Earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off it by now.



Shower Thoughts

It’s a good thing that babies only start crying when they’re outside of the womb.



Shower Thoughts

The only thing we can all agree on is Terms and Conditions.



Shower Thoughts

If bees made beer, we would be taking better care of them.



Shower Thoughts

Dancers took 5, 6, 7, 8 because musicians took 1, 2, 3, 4.



Shower Thoughts

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.



Shower Thoughts

Moja żona mówi, że mam 2 duże wady: nie umiem słuchać i coś tam jeszcze.



JM

Horses sleep in hay, and also eat hay? Imagine if you woke up and started eating your bed.



Shower Thoughts

Instead of having Catwoman come in her house and start drinking milk after she changed, it would’ve been better if she started knocking things off of tables and kitchen counters.



Shower Thoughts

Pizza delivery is like the ambulance. If they’re late their delivery ends up cold.



Shower Thoughts

Women sitting down to watch a show with a box of tissues is very different than a guy sitting down to watch a show with a box of tissues.



Shower Thoughts

I always thought reality shows were stupid but then I remembered that in reality people are stupid.



Shower Thoughts

Chwytam się różnych rzeczy,
śniegu, drzew, niepotrzebnych telefonów,
czułości dziecka, wyjazdów,
wierszy Różewicza,
snu, jabłek, porannej gimnastyki,
rozmów o błogich własnościach witamin,
wystaw awangardowej sztuki,
spacerów na kopiec Kościuszki, polityki,
muzyki Pandereckiego,
żywiołowych katastrof w obcych krajach,
rozkoszy moralności i rozkoszy niemoralności,
plotek, zimnego tuszu, zagranicznych żurnali,
nauki włoskiego języka,
sympatii dla psów, kalendarza.

Chwytam się wszystkiego,
żeby się nie zapaść
w przepaść.



Anna Świrszczyńska

Każdy facet to ciacho. Ja np. jestem starym, tłustym pączkiem.



JM

Telling a depressed person to be happy is like telling a blind person to wear glasses.



Shower Thoughts

When you’re young, you think older people have an age advantage over you. When you’re old, you think younger people have an age advantage over you.



Shower Thoughts

Vaccination is like giving your body the tutorial on how to beat the boss so they know how to fight it later.



Shower Thoughts

If you are a recovering alcoholic who doesn’t drink, you are admired. If you choose not to drink because you don’t like to, people think you are weird.



Shower Thoughts

Sleeping is like death but with ads.



Shower Thoughts

People with red hair that own a bakery can technically be considered ginger bread people.



Shower Thoughts

Your anus is the back of your throat.



Shower Thoughts

Children are like a free app with a crap ton of in app purchases.



Shower Thoughts

Despite humanity reaching being advanced enough to reach the moon, we still have people killing other people for not having the same imaginary friend.



Shower Thoughts

Taking a dog to the dog park is like dropping a teenager off at a party. You think they’re gonna spend quality time with their peers and make new best friends. They’re just thinking about getting in fights and humping each other.



Shower Thoughts

If Apple sold the Note 9 they would probably sell the pen separately.



Shower Thoughts

When my wife asks where I want to eat, she actually wants me to guess correctly where she wants to eat.



Shower Thoughts

Despite being many colours, crayola crayons all taste the same.



Shower Thoughts

Break a mirror its 7 years of bad luck. Break a condom it’s 18.



Shower Thoughts

Although bishops are not allowed to be gay, Bishops are the only pieces in chess who won’t go straight.



Shower Thoughts

The fear of being alone in the dark, is actually the fear of not being alone in the dark.



Shower Thoughts

I wonder if anyone has ever killed themselves solely because they were SUPER CURIOUS to see what happens afterwards and didn’t feel like waiting 60 more years dicking around on Earth



Shower Thoughts

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.



George Carlin

Firefly is the exact opposite of waterfall.



Shower Thoughts

If sat is the past tense of sit, then fat is the past tense of fit.



Shower Thoughts

Does a straw have one hole or two?



Shower Thoughts

If I eat my meal from the frying pan at a restaurant, it’s sophisticated and a sign of quality. If I do it at home, I’m lazy and disgusting.



Shower Thoughts

AIDS is not as helpful as it sounds.



Shower Thoughts

Rycerz miał wziąć udział w turnieju, ale został ścięty. Miał nielegalną kopię.



JM

In 1968, civil unrest fueled the media. In 2016, the media fuels the civil unrest.



Shower Thoughts

IQ tests measure the probability of a person mentioning their IQ.



Shower Thoughts

Gods don’t like people not doing much work. People who aren’t busy all the time might start to think.



Terry Pratchett

Ever since I started using adblocker nobody wants to date me anymore



Shower Thoughts

Sign language is the least spoken language in the world.



Shower Thoughts

If you said good morning to someone at 11:59:59 am then they would have to say good afternoon back.



Shower Thoughts

Ludzie byli wolni gdy telefony były na uwięzi.



NN

The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.



Terry Pratchett

A werewolf who doesn’t know that they’re a werewolf would be an unawarewolf.



Shower Thoughts

The redo button is the undo button for the undo button.



Shower Thoughts

We humans have set up a society in which we require a minimum number of laps around the sun for a person to drink fermented plant juice.



Shower Thoughts

I wish my toilet had a scale measuring the contents of the bowl. You could link it to your fitbit data, challenge your friends, the possibilities are endless really.



Shower Thoughts

Żuk gnojarz ma kupki smakowe.



JM

W odpowiedzi na zarzuty Trumpa, że napływ imigrantów zaszkodził Szwecji, wkurzeni Szwedzi wypowiedzieli Trumpowi dżihad.



JM

A unicycle is an all wheel drive vehicle.



Shower Thoughts

Umbilical cords are like phone chargers, they keep us alive. But when we’re disconnected, we start slowly dying.



Shower Thoughts

In order to fall asleep, we have to pretend to be asleep



Shower Thoughts

Holding the door for someone is really polite. Holding the revolving door for someone is really rude.



Shower Thoughts

The best way to get an answer on the internet isn’t to ask the question but to post the wrong answer.



Shower Thoughts

– 2B or not 2B?
Hamlet w zamyśleniu liczył swoje bitcoiny.



JM

Imagine a fish coming into your living room wearing a mask and watching you eat breakfast. That’s what snorkeling is to them you sick weirdo.



Shower Thoughts

Murphy’s Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn’t work.



Alcohol makes more people than it kills.



Shower Thoughts

Multitasking is the opportunity to screw up more than one thing at a time.



Shower Thoughts

Singing happy birthday and cutting the cake is pretty similar to a satanic ritual. A gathering of people huddle around an object that is on fire, chant a repetitive song in unison then blow the fire out and stab the object. This “ceremony” represents another year closer to inevitable death.



Shower Thoughts

Intelligence is like underwear. It’s important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.



Shower Thoughts

Puberty is basically when the thought of your crush seeing you naked goes from worst case scenario to best case scenario.



Shower Thoughts

We live thanks to oxygen created by trees and water. And we use them to clean our ass.



Shower Thoughts

If having sex allowed for a 50% chance that the man would get pregnant instead of the woman, the world would be a very different place.



Shower Thoughts

It’s only premarital sex if they ended up getting married.



Shower Thoughts

Jak się nie obrócisz, tak rzyć z tyłu.



Andrzej Sapkowski

If two people on opposite sides of the world each drop a piece of bread, the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich.



Shower Thoughts

People are disgusted by monkeys because they masturbate all the time and fling shit at each other, But thats most of what humans use the internet for as well.



Shower Thoughts

Compliments and insults are similar in the fact that they both have to be personal to be effective.



Shower Thoughts

The person who prays for God to change things thinks God has arranged matters wrong, and also thinks they can instruct God on how they should be put right.



Shower Thoughts

The first strong AI would intentionally fail the Turing Test.



Shower Thoughts

Politicians should wear badges showing what companies sponsor them, like F1 drivers.



Shower Thoughts

I spent my entire youth applying makeup to make me look older. I will spend the rest of adulthood applying makeup to make me look young. The makeup business model is genius.



Shower Thoughts

If faster than light speed travel is ever invented, one could theoretically travel some distance, get a telescope, and watch them self get there.



Shower Thoughts

As kids we think that we know nothing and that adults have all the answers. As teenagers we think that we know everything and that everyone else knows nothing. As adults we realise that no one knows anything.



Shower Thoughts

The only thing separating you from certain death at 65mph is a painted white line and a mutual agreement not to play bumper cars.



Shower Thoughts

Evolution is pretty much just bugs turning into features.



Shower Thoughts

If Satan punishes sinners isn’t he technically the good guy?



Shower Thoughts

Everyone in the UK is trying to gain pounds, while everyone in the US is trying to lose them.



Shower Thoughts

Hiccups never truly go away. They just get further apart.



Shower Thoughts

Common sense is not a gift, it’s a punishment, because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.



Shower Thoughts

Babies can be classified as parasites since they suck nutrients form their host as they grow.



Shower Thoughts

Every day is a productive day if you set the bar low enough.



Shower Thoughts

You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.



Shower Thoughts

Boobs are like train sets. They are made for kids, but dads enjoy them more.



Shower Thoughts

My life is a series of increasingly difficult obstacles that I need to overcome in order to play video games at the end of the day.



Shower Thoughts

Bardzo chciałbym odżywiać się prawidłowo, ale niestety mam kubki smakowe.



JM

We talk about Ancient Romans like they were basically all the same, but the civilization lasted almost 1000 years. That’s like saying people in 2016 and 1016 are basically the same.



Shower Thoughts

Parents spend the first two years of their children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.



Shower Thoughts

The easiest way to look stupid is to try to look smart.



Shower Thoughts

Homeowner has the word meow in it.



Shower Thoughts

Ekipa izraelskich alpinistów z powodzeniem obeszła Mount Everest.



JM

 

Nie ma snów śnionych wspólnie.

 



Stanisław Lem

W związku ze zbyt małą ilością SMOGu na pomorzu – Sopot, Gdańsk i Gdynia biorą udział w projekcie TrujMiasto



JM

You are not, “stuck in traffic.” You are traffic.



Shower Thoughts

Pollen is essentially plant sperm, which makes Hay Fever an STD. Since no one is voluntarily taking in the pollen, we’re basically being raped by trees.



Shower Thoughts

The number of eagles who can pick up a bull, you can count then on the fingers of one head.



Terry Pratchett

We never realize how many people we dislike until it comes to naming our child.



Shower Thoughts

If the purpose of existence is procreation, then, ultimately, we’re all just ads for our DNA.



Shower Thoughts

I hope I’m never in a situation in life where Tom Hanks will be cast as me in the movie.



Shower Thoughts

The biggest difference between surfing and snowboarding is the temperature of the water.



Shower Thoughts

The “ueue” in Queue aren’t silent, they’re just waiting for their turn.



Shower Thoughts

You can go the rest of your life without breathing



Shower Thoughts

You can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.



Shower Thoughts

– Jak nazwać proces auto regeneracji oka?
– Samookaleczenie.



JM

If you’ve had sex with less than 12 people, people that have had sex with you belong to a more exclusive club than those who have walked on the moon.



Shower Thoughts

If you had all the money in the world, everyone else would just create a new currency, and won’t accept the currency you’re holding. and you’ll soon become the poorest man in the world.



Shower Thoughts

Confidence is thinking you’re competent. Arrogance is thinking you’re competent and everyone else isn’t.



Shower Thoughts

As soon as you sign up to become an organ donor, there’s someone out there who’s waiting for you to die.



Shower Thoughts

Been calling to the British football abuse Hotline, but apparently it’s only for victims…



Shower Thoughts

For some reason it’s acceptable for people to point out that I have no sense of humor but unacceptable for me to point out that they’re actually just way too dumb to understand my dry wit.



Shower Thoughts

When they invent a scent-recorder we can take smellfies.



Shower Thoughts

There was a time, where one could watch all the existing movies within one lifespan.



Shower Thoughts

I hope my dog never realizes that I’m full of bones.



Shower Thoughts

Exceptio probat regulam.



NN

Padam na ziemię,
ustami do czarnej ziemi.
Mówię: Boże, którego nie ma,
nie daj, żebym zrobiła krzywdę
człowiekowi.

Niech mi wpierw odpadnie ręka,
niech mnie spali
piorun.

Padam na ziemię,
ustami do żywej ziemi.
Mówię: Boże, którego nie ma
na najdalszej gwieździe,
który jesteś we mnie,
Boże doskonały, jak ja jestem nikczemna,
Boże okrutny,
oddaję ci na krwawą ofiarę
największe szczęście
mojego życia.



Anna Świrszczyńska

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.



George Carlin

The problem is not people being uneducated; The problem is that they are educated just enough to believe what they’ve been taught. And not educated enough to question what they’ve been taught.



Shower Thoughts

Cop yells “get your f’ing hands up” – 20% compliance. DJ yells the same thing – 100% compliance.



Shower Thoughts

The fact that stars are paid more than scientists shows that we value entertaining more than progress.



Shower Thoughts

W policji feministki zażądały kur zamiast kogutów na radiowozach.



JM

Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is common. Arguing with them is acceptable. However, when you begin to lose the argument, you’re in trouble.



Shower Thoughts

Zamówiłem książkę o zaburzeniach erekcji. Jeszcze nie doszła.



skijlen-JM

I rarely drink alcohol to the point of puking, but I always drink coffee to the point of pooping.



Shower Thoughts

People never grow up. We just act like an adult so people will give us money.



Shower Thoughts

The first fart in a relationship is a much more significant milestone than the first kiss.



Shower Thoughts

“Look, mom. No hands!” would be a great slogan for a unicycle shop, but a terrible slogan for a fireworks stand.



Shower Thoughts

At Night, I Can’t find one comfortable position to sleep. In the Morning, every position is comfortable to sleep



Shower Thoughts

The difference between being sad and depression is sort of like the difference between the weather and climate.



Shower Thoughts

All men like to think they’re marrying nymphomaniacs. The problem is, after few years the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.



Shower Thoughts

If we all agreed to stop ironing, creases would become the new global norm allowing humanity to free itself from the tyrannical grip of the iron industry forever.



Shower Thoughts

I would be more excited to see an Olympics with fully doped, drugged, and modified athletes.



Shower Thoughts

There should be a reality show where people track down and expose people who’ve posted horrible and vile comments on the internet.



Shower Thoughts

Being a blacksmith must have been a real pantydropper back in the day seeing how Smith is the most common surname today.



Shower Thoughts

Companies that manufacture arm prosthetics are technically arms dealers.



Shower Thoughts

Reading is just staring at a dead piece of wood for hours and hallucinating.



Shower Thoughts

If you hang yourself, the suspense is literally killing you.



Shower Thoughts

With the PS4 Neo, Project Morpheus, and now the Nintendo Switch, we have a Trinity of new gaming platforms named after Matrix characters.



Shower Thoughts

By­wają okaz­je, gdy zwyczaj­nie nie można się nie napić.



Andrzej Sapkowski

A zoo is a really safe place to fart.



Shower Thoughts

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.



George Carlin

If you take a woman to bed and her bra and panties match, I’m sorry to tell you she’s the one who planned everything.



Shower Thoughts

Coughing and sneezing in public, which can spread diseases and are a sign of being sick, are excused and seen as okay. Farting in public, which is completely natural and safe, is frowned upon.



Shower Thoughts

Must have been nice before cell phones. You could push someone in the water and not have to pay them hundreds of dollars.



Shower Thoughts

Bóg na ciebie patrzy. Żyj tak, żeby się nie nudził.



JM

What if Pi is just the random seed for our universe.



Shower Thoughts

Religious people that haven’t read their Holy books are basically clicking “Agree” without reading the Terms and Conditions.



Shower Thoughts

I don’t care how safe it is. If I’m going skydiving, I’m clearing my browser history the night before.



Shower Thoughts

Now that I’m pushing 50, I’ve finally realized that the point at which popular music was most innovative, meaningful, and really, really great, was when someone was in their late teens to early 20’s, no matter how old that person is.



Shower Thoughts

If old people realized how little time the had left on earth, maybe they’d drive a little faster.



Shower Thoughts

It’s totally fine to vomit in a toilet, but something is very wrong with you if you shit in a barf bag.



Shower Thoughts

If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?



Shower Thoughts

It’s weird to think that nighttime is the natural state of the universe and daytime is only caused by a nearby radiating ball of flame.



Shower Thoughts

IT project documentation is like sex: when it’s good, it’s great. When it’s shite, it’s still better than nothing.



Sean

“The early bird catches the worm”, they told you, but they never tell “The early worm gets caught”.



Shower Thoughts

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.



George Carlin

The number 14233221 describes itself, It has one 4, two 3, three 2 and two 1s.



Shower Thoughts

If you bike on a road you’ve already biked on, that’s technically recycling.



Shower Thoughts

Life is basically being put inside a body and personality you did not choose and having to be in the constant pursuit of happiness until you die.



Shower Thoughts

15 years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Now, the real world is the escape from the internet.



Shower Thoughts

Zerwałem z dziewczyną i spaliłem jej wszystkie zdjęcia. Teraz potrzebuję nowego telefonu.



JM

Restaurants should hang their dessert menus on the inside of the bathroom stalls and at the top have it read, “since you’re making more room..”



Shower Thoughts

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.



Ernst F. Schumacher

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.



Shower Thoughts

Becoming an atheist isn’t really becoming anything – it’s returning to your default state.



Shower Thoughts

Growing up with Where’s Waldo? books was good training for finding the real download button on a web page.



Shower Thoughts

If you get married in Japan then fly to Hawaii and immediately die after you land, your marriage certificate will be dated after your death certificate.



Shower Thoughts

After they just barely touch our lips, we put our cups, mugs, and glasses into a machine that washes them with boiling water and soap for an hour. But our toothbrushes just get a rinse of cold water.



Shower Thoughts

In The Martian when Matt Damon finds the old Mars Rover buried in the sand, he doesn’t unearth it, he unmarses it.



Shower Thoughts

– Patrycja, jaki ten twój Brajanek podobny do tatusia!
– No właśnie, sama się zdziwiłam.



JM

Rubbing alcohol is for wounds on the outside; drinking alcohol is for wounds on the inside.



Shower Thoughts

Humans are incredibly inefficient. It takes us 7 hours of charging for only 17 hours of use.



Shower Thoughts

Someone who doesn’t want to date you because your astrological signs aren’t compatible is probably doing you a favour



Shower Thoughts

A stopped clock is right twice a day. But a clock running backwards at the normal speed is right four times a day.



Shower Thoughts

– Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve?
– Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records



?

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.



George Carlin

Kids who grew up in the 80s were too early to have had the internet at all. But kids who grew up in the 00s, notably after the iPhone came out in 06, grew up very differently. The internet wasn’t a precious resource, but an always available utility ready to be consumed at will.

This generation is growing up in a never ending onslaught of advertisements and peer pressure the likes of which we didn’t experience. They are all guinea pigs for the Facebooks of the world, subjects of the A/B psychographic targeting grind. Their dopamine receptors have been primed since birth to go crazy at the sight of a like.



ModernMech

Toilet paper is just a nice way of saying butthole tissues.



Shower Thoughts

It’s not drinking alone if you’re pregnant.



Shower Thoughts

What if the speed of light only exists to hide the fact that the computer our universe is simulated on needs time to render our environment?



Shower Thoughts

The teenagers that made fun of me in school for being nerd and playing a musical instrument are now adults who want their kids to perform like I did in school.



Shower Thoughts

– Statystyki mówią, że kobiety żyją dłużej.
– Jak zwykle nie są gotowe na czas.



JM

Science is changing beliefs to fit observations, religion is ignoring observations to maintain beliefs.



Shower Thoughts

Pie in Jamaica costs $3.00 and $2.50 in the Bahamas. These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.



Shower Thoughts

What if fossilization is a myth and animals just used to be made of rock?



Shower Thoughts

We say that is wrong to take children to LGBT support events as they are too young to make their own choices, yet taking them to church and christening them is considered a good thing.



Shower Thoughts

“Go to bed, you’ll feel better in the morning” is just the human version of “Did you turn off and back on again?”



Shower Thoughts

To, co mały komputer może z wielkim programem, może też wielki komputer z programem małym; stąd wniosek logiczny, iż program nieskończenie duży może działać sam, tj. bez jakiegokolwiek komputera.



Profesor Dońda

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.



Shower Thoughts

Telling someone you’ll pray for them is basically like telling them “I’ll sit around and think about your problems but I’m not actually going to do anything productive to help you with them”.



Shower Thoughts

If you use a fingerprint scanning system for your house’s entrance, then you literally “press Home to unlock”.



Shower Thoughts

Żonaci faceci żyją dłużej od samotnych, ale chętniej umierają.



JM

Irony is getting pregnant on a pull-out couch.



Shower Thoughts

How old does a grave have to for grave robbing to become archeology?



Shower Thoughts

A girl friend becomes a girlfriend when there starts to be less space between you.



Shower Thoughts

Correct punctuation is the difference between a sentence that is well-written and one that is, well, written.



Shower Thoughts

Psy mogą brzmieć różnie w różnych krajach. W Korei na przykład skwierczą.



JM

Your lips separate when you say „touch”, but your lips touch when you say „separate”.



Shower Thoughts

If you live for people’s acceptance, you will die from their rejection.



Shower Thoughts

Niech będzie pochwalony. Ostatni raz byłem u spowiedzi 25 lat temu. Mam nadzieję, że wygodnie ksiądz siedzi.



JM

Military barbers shave their privates.



Shower Thoughts

Just as potential employers can ask for references from past employers, potential employees should be able to ask for references from past employees.



Shower Thoughts

Maybe aliens haven’t visited because they checked the reviews on our solar system and only saw 1 star.



Shower Thoughts

I know I drive a worthless car when my worries about it being stolen depend on whether the fuel tank is full or not.



Shower Thoughts

“up” is “dn”, upside down



Shower Thoughts

The world is not getting worse, the data is getting better.



Shower Thoughts

If a man with ginger hair works at a bakery, does that make him a ginger bread man?



Shower Thoughts

Italy’s Leaning Tower of Pisa is just italic.



Shower Thoughts

„listen” is an anagram for „silent”



Shower Thoughts

Intelligent minds presume their own ignorance. Ignorant minds presume their own intelligence.



Shower Thoughts

-4° looks like a guy taking a dump



Shower Thoughts

When you completely stop watching the news for a substantial period of time, the world becomes a much better place.



Shower Thoughts

We’ve become so advanced that we spend at least the first 20 or so years of our lives getting caught up on the basics of what we’ve figured out so far.



Shower Thoughts

If reincarnation is real, then putting dangerous people in prison for life is ultimately more effective than execution because it keeps them out of the rotation.



Shower Thoughts

No one ever eats the donuts at the morning meeting but they disappear immediately when moved to the lunchroom after the meeting is over. I never see anyone eating them. Apparently, I work with a bunch of donut ninjas.



Shower Thoughts

When it comes to hot food, there are two types of people, you either blow your food until it cools down or you just go HASAHKFNSJGJKF until you can chew it.



Shower Thoughts

Ireland is just one sea away from Iceland.



Shower Thoughts

People try to be responsible with money so that they can afford to be irresponsible with money.



Shower Thoughts

Growing up, everyone tells you to chase your dreams, but once you do, they tell you to be realistic.



Shower Thoughts

We live in a age where we have to prove to machines that we are not machines.



Shower Thoughts

You know it’s a serious poo when you have to take your shirt off halfway through.



Shower Thoughts

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.



George Carlin

If someone sued over luggage, it could be a suit suit or a case case.



Shower Thoughts

A shirt that says: “Better than you at raising children” is rude but “worlds greatest dad” is not.



Shower Thoughts

Smoking is good for the environment as it kills humans.



Shower Thoughts

With 7 billion people on Earth, every single day (24 hour period) there is over 19 million years of human experience that occurs.



Shower Thoughts

The Internet is a great place for discussing important topics because we can pause, think, and even research before responding. Instead we just think of better ways to insult each other.



Shower Thoughts

One day, an iPhone will explode and Samsung users will say “Samsung has had this feature for years.”



Shower Thoughts

Kung Fu movies are like porn, in that both have wafer-thin storylines designed to string together a bunch of action sequences.



Shower Thoughts

Najlepsze miejsce do zerwania z dziewczyną to McDonald’s. Nie ma ostrych noży, widelców.. I zawsze można schować się za grubym dzieciakiem.



JM

Volleyball is just competitive, co-op, hardcore hot potato.



Shower Thoughts

The fact that irons are not made from iron is an example of irony.



Shower Thoughts

A good slogan for the World Health Organisation would be: WHO cares.



Shower Thoughts

Noses are in the middle of our faces because it’s the scenter.



Shower Thoughts

Urodziłam się z niewystarczającą ilością środkowych palców, żeby pokazać ci jak się czuję.



JM

At age 30, you’ve spent a month having birthdays.



Shower Thoughts

If you really want to save the planet, stop having kids.



Shower Thoughts

Trojan Condoms are one of the most popular brands but they are named after a city that fell because Greeks got through its defenses.



Shower Thoughts

It’s strange that there is an L in Noel.



Shower Thoughts

Before the internet, there were people who wiped while sitting and people who wiped while standing and they didn’t know that the other existed.



Shower Thoughts

„What’re quantum mechanics?”
„I don’t know. People who repair quantums, I suppose.”



Terry Pratchett

W Japonii połączono KFC ze Starbucksem.
Dokonał tego znany wizjoner Kurokawa.



JM

Life is just collecting people to come to your funeral.



Shower Thoughts

I spend about 500% of my life exaggerating.



Shower Thoughts

We don’t pronounce the “k” in knowledge until we acknowledge it.



Shower Thoughts

Nie zaczyna się zdania od ‚Nie’.



Bash

Pytacie się mnie o skuteczność tej kuracji?

Zrzuciłem wagę.

Z piątego piętra.



JM

In every high school, there should be a class dedicated to teaching how taxes work, how to get insurance, how to rent or pay mortgage, and how to not get into financial trouble with banks.



Shower Thoughts

Dragons would think its cool that we create water in our mouths.



The word “parallel” has a visual representation of its definition within itself.



Shower Thoughts

Getting older is like noticing you only have 12% battery life left, and deciding to watch cat videos anyway.



Shower Thoughts

If you rip a hole in a fish net, there are fewer holes in it.



Shower Thoughts

Life is like a box of chocolates, halfway through you realise how much you hate yourself.



Shower Thoughts

Dla twórców słowników telefoniczno-klawiaturowych jest przewidziany w piekle oddzielny kozioł.



JM

The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that’s where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won’t do if they don’t know about it. This explains why it is so important to shoot missionaries on sight



Terry Pratchett

Doves are a symbol of love and pigeons are a symbol of stupidity, yet they are basically the same.



Shower Thoughts

Having a child is the most polluting thing a person can do during their lifetime.



Shower Thoughts

A good book is like sex. Great, unless a teacher forces you into it.



Shower Thoughts

Google is like a cool landlord who lets you stay rent free, but you know that when you’re gone he goes in your room and sniffs your panties.



Shower Thoughts

I’m pretty sure the urinal was invented when a tall dude walked by a sink and thought “why not?”.



Shower Thoughts

At any given time, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.



Shower Thoughts

What if the expansion and shrinking of the universe every 30 billion years is just the result of an unfathomable sized creature breathing?



Shower Thoughts

Every time you pass a hospital you’re probably passing a bunch of people who are either having the worst day of their life, the best day of their life, the first day of their life, or the last day of their life.



Shower Thoughts

Does anyone feel 100% confident correctly pronouncing the word “Worcestershire”?



Shower Thoughts

Hasbro has a monopoly on games and a game on monopolies.



Shower Thoughts

Doing nothing and doing too much are both considered “not having a life”



Shower Thoughts

You know you’re getting older when every new person you meet looks like a permutation of people you already know.



Shower Thoughts

Roz­daj wszys­tko, a uczy­ni to twą duszę szlachetną. A mie­szek i kałdun pustymi.



Andrzej Sapkowski

Dragons can’t blow out candles.



Shower Thoughts

“National anthem” and “country music” have very similar literal meanings.



Shower Thoughts

FedEx can get a can of corn from Nebraska to California faster than the human body can get it from one end to the other.



Bez dobrych kabli nie rozkładam sprzętu.



Wolfgang Amadeusz Mozart

It’s cheaper to buy a new goldfish than food for your current goldfish.



Shower Thoughts

Youngest person alive is the most often broken world record.



Shower Thoughts

Oxygen has worst withdrawal symptoms of all.



Shower Thoughts

People are very divided over what happens after death, but not over what happens before birth, even though they are essentially the same state of nonexistence.



Shower Thoughts

My wife’s going for a sonogram soon. Or a daughterogram. We’re not sure yet…



Shower Thoughts

DiCaprio never died in Titanic. The last scene is him going underwater and the first scene in Inception is him waking up on a beach.



Shower Thoughts

The tooth fairy is actually just a black market organ dealer.



Shower Thoughts

Dobrze być hiszpańskim astronomem, bo nawet największy ziemski teleskop Hubble’a



JM

If I say “fast food ice machines are as clean as fast food restaurant toilets” people panic; but if I say “fast food restaurant toilets are as clean as fast food ice machines” people applaud restroom cleanliness.



Shower Thoughts

How can someone pick a peck of pickled peppers? You don’t pickle them until after they’re picked. Peter Piper’s a bullshitter.



Shower Thoughts

Poglądy są jak du­pa, każdy ja­kieś ma, ale po co od ra­zu pokazywać…



Andrzej Sapkowski

My TI-83 Plus calculator is almost 15 years old and works just as well as it did on the first day. Its outlasted every other piece of technology I’ve ever purchased for a similar price or greater.



Shower Thoughts

Dziadek Jerzy stwierdził, że wcale nie jest aż tak schorowany, kiedy zobaczył, ile tabletek łyka jego wnuczka przed wyjściem na dyskotekę.



JM

“It totally sucks” is a great review for a vacuum cleaner.



Shower Thoughts

If you dig a trench beneath miners in order to sabotage them, you are mining under miners to undermine them



Shower Thoughts

Brytyjscy uczeni skrzyżowali paluszki rybne. Wyszły rybne krzyżyki.



JM

Maybe the reason UFO sightings have died down is because everyone is constantly staring down at their phones.



Shower Thoughts

I can see atoms but only if there’s a bunch of them together.



Shower Thoughts

Anyone born on 22nd February 2000, will be 22 on Tuesday, 22 02 2022. They can throw the ultimate Twosday party.



Shower Thoughts

Człowieczeństwo jest to suma naszych defektów, mankamentów, naszej niedoskonałości, jest tym czym chcemy być, a nie potrafimy, nie możemy, nie umiemy, to jest po prostu dziura między ideałami a realizacją.



Stanisław Lem

When people say they love the smell of autumn, they’re basically saying they love the smell of dying plants, leaf rot and mold.



Shower Thoughts

Microbes and bacteria evolve over time as things become resistant. If you go forward in time, you die. If you go backward in time, you kill everyone.



Shower Thoughts

The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.



Shower Thoughts

When someone starts a sentence with “with all due respect,” you know some disrespectful shit is coming next.



Shower Thoughts

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.



George Carlin

If pigs could fly, their wings would be delicious.



Shower Thoughts

After Beethoven died he became a decomposer.



Shower Thoughts

We are just monkeys sitting on a rock fighting over melanin level and imaginary sky people.



Shower Thoughts

Swimming in lava is a once in a lifetime experience.



Shower Thoughts

When Math teachers used to tell us “you won’t always have a calculator with you” they couldn’t have been more wrong.



Shower Thoughts

Brother Preptil, the master of music, had described Brutha’s voice as putting him in mind of a dissapointed vulture arriving too late at a dead donkey.



Terry Pratchett

Paying for contact lenses every month is essentially paying a monthly subscription to see life in HD.



Shower Thoughts

What year did Jesus think it was?



George Carlin

If you die a virgin, you are the first of your lineage to do so in all of history.



Shower Thoughts

An ambitious person’s work is never done. A lazy person’s work is also never done.



Shower Thoughts

Film 300 opowiada historię o Black Friday oczami pracowników Walmartu pod wpływem LSD.



mahhu / JM

After five movies, I’m pretty sure we can start calling them Highly Unlikely, Yet Doable Missions.



Shower Thoughts

When a movie character has blood drip from their nose, we automatically know they are dying of something horrible, when blood drips from my nose, I have a bloody nose.



Shower Thoughts

You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, all you’ve lost is a pigeon.



Shower Thoughts

Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien.



Shower Thoughts

“Where are you” is a relatively modern question if you think about it.



Shower Thoughts

Horses went from pulling the cart to getting towed around in trailers. That’s a pretty good deal.



Shower Thoughts

From birth to death, life is essentially a body’s journey from one hole to another.



Shower Thoughts

Opera happens because a large number of things amazingly fail to go wrong.



Terry Pratchett

The most blessed people are those who sneeze the most.



Shower Thoughts

Jeżeli w parówce jest mięso, to znaczy, że w zakładzie produkcyjnym miał miejsce nieszczęśliwy wypadek.



JM

The amount of battery life I have left when I leave work is a good indication of how productive my day was.



Shower Thoughts

Global Warming is just the planet getting a fever to try to kill of its infection



Shower Thoughts

Not once in my life have I stepped into somebody’s house and thought, “I sure hope I get an apology for ‘the mess’.”



Shower Thoughts

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.



George Carlin

Every second you live 7 billion people have just spent one second without giving a fuck about you – that is 221 years of not giving a fuck about you.



Shower Thoughts

They still make microphones that are larger than regular phones.



Shower Thoughts

It’s interesting to watch kids learning to lie. They really suck at it to begin with. Then gradually get better. Then suddenly they just stop lying.



Shower Thoughts

People complain about paying $150 for a tire that carries them around at 70 MPH, but no problem paying $200 for shoes that carry them around at 2 MPH.



Shower Thoughts

Spiders are just web developers that are happy to find bugs.



Shower Thoughts

“Getting stoned” is either really good or really bad depending on what part of the world you live in.



Shower Thoughts

Vatican City is the country with the fewest churches.



Shower Thoughts

Without the laugh track, The Big Bang Theory is a depressing TV show about mentally disabled people unable to perform normal social actions.



Shower Thoughts

Alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.



Shower Thoughts

An USB plug just took me over 7 turnovers to plug. Either I’m stupid, or they’re evolving.



Shower Thoughts

There should be an express line at coffee shops for people ordering plain black coffees as a little perk for not ordering one of those fufu coffee drinks that take 5 times longer to concoct.



Shower Thoughts

In just a few short years, my body has gone from saying “you don’t need to drink to have fun”, to “you don’t need to be having fun to drink”



Shower Thoughts

Odległy musi być czas, w którym kandydatów na najwyższe stanowiska jakichkolwiek państw będzie się kierowało na egzaminacyjne filtry, ażeby umysłowości wielostronnie marne bez wszelkiego miłosierdzia kierować do robót publicznych.



Stanisław Lem

Most teenagers pull their phones out of their pockets to check the time. We are reverting to the era of pocket watches.



Shower Thoughts

“Make the little things in life count” would be a great motivational quote for a kindergarten math teacher.



Shower Thoughts

Someone cuts you and then takes all your money. If it happened in an alley it’s a mugging. If it happened in a hospital its a surgery.



Shower Thoughts

Na Ziemi (…) nikt nikomu nie wierzy ot tak, nikt nie dotrzymuje słowa i nikt nie spełnia obietnic danych bez świadków, prawników, papierów, dowodów, nagrań i pisemnych gwarancji, a i to tylko czasem. Tu jednak jest tylko nas dwóch, słowo i uścisk dłoni. To świat, w którym reputacja człowieka zależy od jego uczciwości i jest cenniejsza od gór złota. Tu nie ma większej gwarancji niż słowo.



Jarosław Grzędowicz

There are 3 types of people with more than 10 items in the “10 Items or Less” lane; People who can’t read, people who can’t count, and assholes.



Shower Thoughts

Aby obudzić się jutro rano musisz pamiętać, by przed snem nakręcić zegar biologiczny.



JM

Our atmosphere is so thick that birds can fly through it just by flapping their weird arms.



Shower Thoughts

If the purpose of life is to live long, reproduce and to bring joy for all without harming any other species, trees are actually winning this game.



Shower Thoughts

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



George Carlin

I find the offspring of entirely different species’ to be absolutely adorable, and I can spend hours interacting with them. My own species’ offspring, however, I find creepy and go out of my way to avoid.



Shower Thoughts

Wet socks are the worst first world problem. We are literally complaining about having both water and socks.



Shower Thoughts

Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.



Shower Thoughts

– Jaki wiek jest dla mężczyzny krytyczny?
– 50 lat. Emerytury jeszcze nie dają, kobiety już nie dają.



JM

If you dye your hair red, then you are trans-gingered.



Shower Thoughts

When you’re a teen and not ready to be a parent you can get a girl pregnant through a damn snowsuit, yet when you’re an adult and trying to start a family it takes a 75% passage by Congress to make it happen.



Shower Thoughts

The opposite of playing russian roulette is to have unprotected sex.



Shower Thoughts

TAG is an acronym for touch and go.



Shower Thoughts

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.



George Carlin

A ja myślę, że całe zło te­go świata bie­rze się z myśle­nia. Zwłaszcza w wy­kona­niu ludzi całkiem ku te­mu nie mających predyspozycji.



Andrzej Sapkowski

There are more people offended by people being offended by everything than people who are offended by everything.



Shower Thoughts

A belly button is basically a scar from when you got into a knife fight with a guy in a mask after being evicted from your first place.



Shower Thoughts

It is better to be followed by 10 smart people than a million stupid ones. Unless, of course, you are a politician.



Shower Thoughts

If \o/ is cheering, then lol must be surrender.



Shower Thoughts

Maybe plants are farming us, giving us oxygen to breathe so we can die and turn into mulch for them.



Shower Thoughts

If shaving commercials want to impress me then they should shave a bison, not hairless legs.



Shower Thoughts

The internet uses many terms relating to water. I can surf the web, stream a video, or wait until my computer freezes.



Shower Thoughts

Anti-Vaxxers are basically saying dead children are a preferable alternative to autistic children.



Shower Thoughts

Lubię Jezusa, a on mnie kocha. Sytuacja jest trochę niezręczna.



JM

We spend so much time looking at different configurations of pixels.



Shower Thoughts

I have no idea how much I’ve forgotten.



Shower Thoughts

Bussinesses use the term ‘The cloud’ because “Store all your pictures on some one else’s computer” is something that no one would fall for.



Shower Thoughts

Your phone doesn’t autocorrect you when you type in all caps, because it knows you are very angry and doesnt want to make it worse.



Shower Thoughts

This is the 21st century, where deleting history is more important than creating history.



Shower Thoughts

Bassists are like eyebrows, you don’t notice how important they are until they’re gone.



Shower Thoughts

If I know someone can take a joke/insult without being offended, then I don’t mind if they insult me. But if it is someone who gets offended easily who insults me, I find that offensive.



Shower Thoughts

Every odd number has the letter E in it.



Shower Thoughts

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.



George Carlin

Science progresses by proving itself wrong. Religions progress by eliminating non-believers.



Shower Thoughts

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.



Terry Pratchett

It is literally impossible for a Chinese speaker to be a flat-earther as the Chinese word for “Earth” is 地球, which literally translates as “ground sphere” or “ground ball”



Shower Thoughts

If you don’t drink alcohol because you have recovered from alcoholism, you’re admired, but if you don’t drink and never have, you’re weird.



Shower Thoughts

Ulubiony sport emerytów: lekka artretyka.



JM

On the internet you can choose to be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.



Shower Thoughts

Anybody that questions why you are shoveling six inches of snow in the *middle* of a snowstorm hasn’t shoveled twelve inches of snow at the end of a snowstorm.



Shower Thoughts

Bicycles can’t stand on their own because they are two tired.



Shower Thoughts

Najpowszechniejszy samochodowy zestaw głośnomówiący: żona i dzieci.



JM

If life does flash before your eyes right before you die, you’ll see this post again eventually.



Shower Thoughts

If you can’t intelligently argue for both sides of an issue, you don’t understand the issue well enough to argue for either.



NN

One day in the future there will be flat Marsers.



Shower Thoughts

Toasters were the first pop-up notification.



Shower Thoughts

“Open” starts with a letter that’s closed. “Closed” starts with a letter that’s open.



Shower Thoughts

Ketchup makes a pretty good fake blood, but blood makes a pretty bad fake ketchup.



Shower Thoughts

On internet people don’t want to hear your opinion. They just want to hear you saying their opinion.



Shower Thoughts

George Orwell predicted cameras watching us in our homes, but he didn’t predict that we would buy and install them ourselves.



Shower Thoughts

Gary Newman is older than Gary Oldman.



Shower Thoughts

By this point, i bet celebrities are offended if South Park still hasn’t made fun of them.



Shower Thoughts

Unicorns could just be superior hunters that leave no witnesses



Shower Thoughts

Hummingbirds wouldn’t need so much nectar if they just slowed the fuck down.



Shower Thoughts

Getting vaccinated is like updating your internal antivirus software.



Shower Thoughts

The biggest step in any relationship is not the first kiss…it’s the first fart.



Shower Thoughts

Looking for a romantic partner after 30 is like going to the second page of Google search results.



Shower Thoughts

„How would you describe your life” „You know when you want to make an omelette but you completely fuck it up so you have scrambled eggs which are terrible instead”



TechnicallyRon

All stairs are wheelchair accessible as long as you’re going down.



Shower Thoughts

If you’re no longer covered by your parent’s health insurance, your manufacturer’s warranty is over.



Shower Thoughts

If you aren’t confident about your looks, just remember that you look like your ancestors and they all got laid.



Shower Thoughts

If computers can’t identify road signs on a captcha screen we probably shouldn’t trust them to drive our cars.



Shower Thoughts

Putting puppy ears on a baby is cute. Putting baby ears on a puppy is creepy.



Shower Thoughts

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.



Shower Thoughts

You don’t actually wash your hands. They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.



Shower Thoughts

Buying a new wallet is sort of like your money selling off its family members for a housing upgrade.



Shower Thoughts

80% of yoga is holding in a fart.



Shower Thoughts

You always see cranes at construction sites, but you never see how the crane gets there.



Shower Thoughts

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for life. Teach a man to google and you’d never need to teach him to fish in the first place.



Shower Thoughts

Gambling addiction hotlines would be a lot better if every 5th caller was a winner.



Shower Thoughts

Oddział zakaźny szpitala wojewódzkiego poszukuje specjalisty od zaraz.



JM

If ghosts were actually people who died with unfinished business, there would’ve been a huge increase the past 20 years from ghosts haunting someone to delete their browsing history.



Shower Thoughts

Z powodu szkolnych strzelanin Amerykanie mają nauczycielom rozdać broń. Bibliotekarze dostaną dodatkowo tłumiki.



JM

Running would sound way different if our buttcracks were horizontal.



Shower Thoughts

If humans can share anything between 50%-60% of their DNA with bananas, some people can be up to 10% more banana than other people.



Shower Thoughts

If I touch my phone in the right places a pizza will arrive at my door.



Shower Thoughts

If I linked enough watches together to make a belt, it would be a complete waist of time.



Shower Thoughts

If you eat well, get good sleep, exercise, and drink plenty of water, you’ll die anyways.



Shower Thoughts

Nothing ensures the survival of a species like being tasty to humans.



Shower Thoughts

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.



George Carlin

He did of course sometimes have people horribly tortured to death, but this was considered to be perfectly acceptable behaviour for a civic ruler and generally approved of by the overhelming majority of citizens. (* The overhelming majority of citizens being defined in this case as everyone not currently hanging upside down over a scorpion pit)



Terry Pratchett

If humans had spots and stripes likes cats, imagine all the new ways we could hate each other!



Shower Thoughts

One fly flies, but many flies fly.



Shower Thoughts

We think milk from another species is just fine to consume, but many of us think that milk from our own species, which is intended for us to drink, is kinda gross.



Shower Thoughts

I don’t know if I am actually intelligent or just dumb enough to think I am



Shower Thoughts

Learning English is difficult, but it can be taught through tough thorough thought though.



Shower Thoughts

Dzisiaj rano dostałem blisko dwa tysiące listów. Nigdy więcej nie zamówię słownika z Ikei.



JM

Designating a smoking area in a cafe is like having a peeing section in a pool.



Shower Thoughts

If polar bears were in Antarctica too, they’d be bipolar bears.



Shower Thoughts

– Poprosiłem Świętego Mikołaja o grant na projekt badawczy.
– Wciąż wierzysz w granty na projekty badawcze?



JM

English is a hard language, but It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.



Shower Thoughts

If I arrive somewhere sooner than Google Maps predicts it’s because I’m a good driver. If I arrive somewhere later than predicted it’s because Google Maps was wrong.



Shower Thoughts

Looking for a relationship when you’re lonely is like grocery shopping when you’re hungry. It’s easy to be tempted to bring home unfulfilling, unhealthy junk.



Shower Thoughts

Saying you sleep 8 hours a day sounds perfectly normal. But, saying you sleep 4 months a year sounds insane.



Shower Thoughts

– Jak się nazywa dresiarz, który kradnie telefony?
– Łowca Androidów.



JM

If you get pulled over and none of the five children in your car are wearing a seat belt you’re probably going to jail. But if you get pulled over and none of the 20 children in the vehicle are wearing seat belts, you’re probably driving a school bus.



Shower Thoughts

They should make a show where they give contestants ikea furniture without instructions and see who builds it the fastest and most accurately.



Shower Thoughts

Anti-vaxxers probably refuse to download anti-virus software because they are afraid it’ll give their laptops autism.



Shower Thoughts

The history on my calculator is far more embarrassing than the history on my web browser.



Shower Thoughts

Horny and Hungry is distinguished by where you insert the cucumber.



Shower Thoughts

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.



If the definition of insanity is to do the same thing again and again while expecting a different result, and the only way to become an expert in something is to do it over and over again until you get the best possible outcome, then the only path to mastery is through insanity.



Shower Thoughts

Technically, you have never been closer to death than at this very moment.



Shower Thoughts

Honey is the tastiest of all the insect vomits we have tried so far.



Shower Thoughts

When you reposition your junk after becoming erect you are “adjusting for inflation”



Shower Thoughts

If you try to die, you die trying.



Shower Thoughts

Becoming an adult is like driving a bus blindfolded with every passenger telling you different directions.



Shower Thoughts

In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh & fucks off like 20 miles east.



Shower Thoughts

The more expensive a vacuum is, the more it sucks.



Shower Thoughts

Jak zaaranżować całkowity brak aranżacji?



Stanisław Lem

Our fingers have fingertips, but our toes don’t have toetips. However, we can still tiptoe, but cannot tipfinger.



Shower Thoughts

Psycholog poradził mi napisać szczere listy do osób, których nienawidzę i spalić je.

Zrobione.

Ale co z listami?



JM

You don’t really wash your hands, they actually wash each other while you just stand there and watch.



Shower Thoughts

The mentality of “live today as if you die tomorrow” is a great way of increasing your chances of dying by tomorrow.



Shower Thoughts

Stephen Hawking can get his teeth cleaned by a dentist and still hold a conversation.



Everyone wants a partner that is a great lover, but no one wants to consider how much practice that it took.



Shower Thoughts

You’ll never be able to confirm with certainty that you’re not immortal until you actually die.



Shower Thoughts

A 5% beer is 25% stronger than a 4% beer



Shower Thoughts

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.



Shower Thoughts

A flat earther, who was vaccinated as a child, warned me not to vaccinate my kids because it’ll make them stupid.



Shower Thoughts

Teenagers are some of the crankiest people because they’re beginning to realize that the world is a shitty place.



Shower Thoughts

On April Fools Day, Brazzers should make a video where a hot male plumber goes to a sorority house and fixes the toilet and leaves normally.



Shower Thoughts

Poszedł sobie Abdul na wybory Miss Niemiec.
I wygrał!



JM

Myspace is so outdated that jokes about it being outdated has become outdated.



Shower Thoughts

We’re all just killing time until time kills us.



Shower Thoughts

It sucks when I read read as read and not read, so I have to re-read read as read so I can read read correctly and it can make sense…



Shower Thoughts

– What is it that a man may call the greatest things in life?
– Hot water, good dentishtry and shoft lavatory paper.



Terry Pratchett

One of the most frustrating feelings in the world is being smart enough to know there’s a better way to do something but not smart enough to invent a way to do it.



Shower Thoughts

The speed limit is the maximum speed you can go by law and also basically the minimum speed you can go without pissing everybody else off.



Shower Thoughts

Any machine can be a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough.



Shower Thoughts

Rosja zabrała się na poważnie za popularyzację zdrowego stylu życia. Wypuszczono wódkę z minerałami i witaminami.



JM

In the phrase “a part” the “a” is apart from the other half, but in “apart” the “a” is a part of the word.



Shower Thoughts

The most average person on earth is a 24.3 year old Christian Chinese Man making $9,733 a year with 2.333 children and will eventually die from heart disease.



Shower Thoughts

– Jakie to jest uczucie: wziąć kredyt w banku?
– To tak jakbyś osrał się na mrozie, na początku jest fajnie, cieplutko…



JM

We can communicate with NASA’s Voyager 2 that is 18 billion miles from Earth, yet there are still places on our planet where you get no cell phone service.



Shower Thoughts

According to our brain, the brain is the most important organ in our body.



Shower Thoughts

Być w dupie, to nic strasznego, najgorzej jest, gdy zaczynasz się w niej urządzać.



Mariusz Tomaszewski

Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.



Shower Thoughts

Some doctors wish for you to be sick, some mechanics want you to have car problems, some lawyers want you to be sued. But a thief wishes you prosperity and wealth.



Shower Thoughts

Tall, dark and handsome. A strong, silent type. Women are looking for trees.



Shower Thoughts

I wonder how child custody battles would be different if the kid got to live in the same house full time and the parents had to move in/out every week.



Shower Thoughts

A good plan, violently executed now, is better than a perfect plan next week.



George Patton

The inventor of gift cards was able to convince the public to exchange a currency that is accepted everywhere into a currency accepted at one location.



Shower Thoughts

The worst part about being an adult is that no one cares what your favorite dinosaur is.



Shower Thoughts

We use tables to keep food off the floor, tablecloths to keep food off the table, place mats to keep food off the tablecloth, and plates to keep food off of the place mats. I wish I had that kind of support in my life.



Shower Thoughts

Money is not everything. Make sure you earn a lot before speaking such nonsense.



Warren Buffet

Tetris taught me when you fit in you disappear.



Shower Thoughts

In peace times you can go to jail for killing people. In war time you can go to jail for refusing to kill people.



Shower Thoughts

Beds are like time machines that take us to breakfast.



Shower Thoughts

My phone’s response to a low battery is to vibrate, turn the screen on, show a visual warning & chime loudly. This seems counter-productive.



Shower Thoughts

The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.



Shower Thoughts

Does my cat think the pizza delivery guy is my owner because he brings me food?



Shower Thoughts

Whoever came up with auto play for websites (videos, audio) should be forced to have car stereos that play random sound files from the internet each time they get in the car.



Shower Thoughts

It’s been 17 years and we still don’t know who let the dogs out.



Shower Thoughts

Technically, any salad could be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.



Shower Thoughts

I will not rest until I find a cure for my insomnia



Shower Thoughts

Based on Gladwell’s 10,000 hour theory, it takes until the approximate age of 96 before one masters the art of Pooping.



Trees are farming us. They give us oxygen so we grow nice and big, them we finally die, decompose and make food for them.



Shower Thoughts

Gray is a color, while Grey is a colour.



Shower Thoughts

There are truck drivers who deliver bananas. Driving people bananas is literally their job.



Shower Thoughts

Time flies when you are having fun. But if you are frog, time is fun when you are having flies.



Shower Thoughts

.sdrawkcab gnihtemos daer ot troffe eht ekam syawla yeht tub yzal eb ot mialc elpoeP



Shower Thoughts

In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people whereas in 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.



Shower Thoughts

Give a man a helicopter, he will fly for a day. Throw him off the helicopter, he will fly for the rest of his life.



Shower Thoughts

With an average of 7 lbs of feces inside them, 536 people have been to space. It costs ~10k per pound for a trip to space. We’ve spent around $32.5 million shipping literal shit into space.



Shower Thoughts

There are people in your past who you’ll never forget, that have long forgotten you and vice versa.



Shower Thoughts

Tobacco companies are killing their best customers, while condom companies are killing their future customers.



Shower Thoughts

I’ve been overwhelmed. I’ve been underwhelmed… Have I ever been whelmed?



Shower Thoughts

Farting is just shitting yourself on a molecular scale.



Shower Thoughts

You can blacken, whiten and redden, but you can’t blueen, yellowen or greenen.



Shower Thoughts

I think we should all take a moment and be grateful our bodies don’t shit while we’re asleep.



Shower Thoughts

I don’t think the girls at my college appreciate how handsome my mom thinks I am.



Shower Thoughts

February 15 is a good day to ask for a raise cause most the older married guys got laid the night before…



Shower Thoughts

If you think about it, you are part of one of the few species that can think about it.



Shower Thoughts

There’s some real irony in spelling phonetically with a ‘ph’ and not an ‚f’.



Shower Thoughts

“Can I help you?” is about the nicest way to say “What the fuck are you doing here?”



Shower Thoughts

It is really f*ng weird that we drink other animals’ milk and act like its normal, while drinking our own species’ milk is considered disgusting unless you’re an infant.



Shower Thoughts

The use of birth control by responsible people is slowly replacing the human race with irresponsible people who get pregnant unintentionally.



Shower Thoughts

Dying of old age is basically saying death by survival.



Shower Thoughts

people aren’t getting dumber, it’s just that stupid people get their voice heard easier now.



Shower Thoughts

How funny would it be if flatulating was as infectious as yawning.



Shower Thoughts

Snakes kill in two ways: with hugs and with kisses.



Shower Thoughts

– Jak się nazywa dzień niemieckiego narkomana?
– Hashtag.



JM

Gambling addiction hotlines would do a lot better if every 100th caller won something.



Shower Thoughts

Gdyby ludzie od jaskiniowej epoki robili tylko to, co wyglądało na możliwe, do dzisiaj siedzieliby w jaskiniach.



Stanisław Lem

I’m glad that I decided to do drugs in high school instead of playing football, because football could have led to some serious brain damage.



Shower Thoughts

Kobieca logika jest jak umowa licencyjna. Niczego nie pojmujesz, ale akceptujesz, bo jakie masz inne wyjście?



JM

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Revenge is sweet and is also a dish best served cold. Revenge is personified by a blind man eating ice cream.



Shower Thoughts

Nikt nie może dać więcej od tego, co stracił wszystko.



Stanisław Lem

Since taking my smartphone to the toilet, I know much less about my shampoo ingredients.



Shower Thoughts

One of the “A”s in Aaron is silent, and we will never know which it is.



Shower Thoughts

You can weigh yourself before and after your morning shit. The difference determines how full of shit you are.



Shower Thoughts

Before wrist watches, you had to inconveniently pull something out of your pocket to tell the time. Now wrist watches are becoming obsolete and we went back to having to pull things out of our pockets to tell the time.



Shower Thoughts

It’s weird how couples trying to have a baby always seem to take a while to get pregnant, but the ONE time my condom breaks I got a little “miracle” on the way.



Shower Thoughts

It’s socially acceptable to tell an introvert to be more social but it isn’t socially acceptable to tell an extrovert to spend some time alone and quiet.



Shower Thoughts

Food being real is now considered selling point rather than being a given.



Shower Thoughts

The gender-neutral term for “sugar daddy” is „glucose guardian”.



Shower Thoughts

If you ever miss 4:20 just wait until 4:22, because 4:22 is 4:20 too.



Shower Thoughts

Pacman is about a dude who has to take drugs to fight the demons chasing him.



Shower Thoughts

You are a collection of atoms which is aware of itself. You spend most of your time ensuring you can stay aware as long as you can to generate another collection of atoms aware of itself.



Shower Thoughts

– Jak nazywa się najpiękniejszy most w Anglii?
– Most Beautiful.



JM

If there are capital letters, why aren’t there capital numbers. I want to be able to yell statistics at people.



Shower Thoughts

Arguing with smart people is hard, but arguing with stupid people is impossible.



Shower Thoughts

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot.
C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.



Bjarne Stroustrup

The news is basically just someone saying good evening and then giving you a list of reasons it’s not.



Shower Thoughts

It’s kind of ironic that Steve Jobs died of PC.



Shower Thoughts

You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can judge a person by their bookshelf.



Shower Thoughts

Time is the only currency you absolutely will run out of, spend it wisely. Don’t spend it on hating people for disagreeing with you.



Shower Thoughts

It’s its when it isn’t it is.



Shower Thoughts

When I’m driving at 60mph I automatically convert miles to minutes.



Shower Thoughts

You know when two people kiss, they form a continuous tube with a butthole on each end.



Shower Thoughts

Of all the things that taste like chicken, surprisingly, eggs is not one of them.



Shower Thoughts

– Jaki jest ulubiony sport za kratami?
– Piłka ręczna.



JM

A billion unknowable things went right today. But you’ll never hear about them, because they went right.



Shower Thoughts

If you say grace before you eat leftovers, I bet God is like, “Dude, I JUST blessed this chicken not even 24 hours ago, give it a rest.”



Shower Thoughts

It’s okay to be ugly because under all of the skin and meat and stuff, we’re all just skeletons, and skeletons are cool.



Shower Thoughts

When Snoop Dogg is 60, he’ll be 420 in dogg years.



Shower Thoughts

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.



Shower Thoughts

If you have two choices, and one is taken away, all of a sudden you have no choice.



Shower Thoughts

Google should have named their virtual reality headset Googley Eyes.



Shower Thoughts

If a shaved guinea pig looks like a tiny hippopotamus. A hippopotamus with hair would probably look like a giant guinea pig.



Shower Thoughts

My computer freezes when it overheats.



Shower Thoughts

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.



George Carlin

I wish my bed was as comfy when I’m trying to fall asleep as it is when my alarm goes off.



Shower Thoughts

When the person you’re dating asks “What are we?” it’s like the free trial period has expired and you have to decide whether or not to get a subscription…



Shower Thoughts

Some day, someone will be the last person to ever think of you, and you will finally cease to exist.



Shower Thoughts

– Jak się nazywa lekarz, który leczy pandy?
– Pandoktor.



JM

Nothing says “I’m rich” like sorting your search results from highest to lowest price while you shop



Shower Thoughts

My dog probably thinks that I’m walking around the block alone for 12 hours while I’m at work.



Shower Thoughts

Certain privileges become available to you based on the amount of laps you’ve done around the Sun.



Shower Thoughts

Holding down the power button to turn a computer off is eerily similar to holding a pillow on top of someone’s face.



Shower Thoughts

Birds can fly but flies can’t bird.



Shower Thoughts

Mini is the miniature version of miniature.



Shower Thoughts

Romantic films have hurt human relationships more than violent films have.



Shower Thoughts

Do twins ever realize that one of them was not planned?



Shower Thoughts

Z opowieści paintballistów:
– Skończyła mi się amunicja, więc wziąłem pędzel i ruszyłem do walki wręcz…



JM

When butterflies get nervous, do they feel people in their stomach?



Shower Thoughts

Walking around without a case on my phone is a lot like having sex with girls without a condom. It feels good and looks cool, but I know eventually an expensive accident is gonna happen.



Shower Thoughts

They should make little sticks that sit behind your steering wheel to help people communicate with others on the road when they want to make a turn or merge into others lane.



Shower Thoughts

It becomes less and less acceptable to cry in public the older you get, despite the reasons for doing so becoming more and more valid.



Shower Thoughts

The difference between $1 billion and $1 million is roughly $1 billion



Shower Thoughts

I know every digit of pi. Just not the order they go in.



Shower Thoughts

There are no routine statistical questions, only questionable statistical routines.



David Cox

If you buy a used prosthetic hand, you bought your third hand, second hand.



Shower Thoughts

Dwadzieścia osób na dziesięć cierpi na rozdwojenie jaźni.



JM

The adjective “unlockable” can have 2 meanings. Something that can’t be locked, and something that can be unlocked.



Shower Thoughts

Spotkałem niedawno mikrobiologa. Był dużo większy, niż myślałem.



NN

The “It’s an older meme, but it checks out” meme is now an older meme, but it checks out.



Shower Thoughts

People who dye their hair red are transginger.



Shower Thoughts

Vegans shouldn’t eat vegetables because it needs fertilizer to grow and fertilizer is made from animal shit which is an animal product.



Shower Thoughts

Somewhere in the UK there is a person who is 14,458,219th in line to be the British Monarch, and they don’t even know it.



Shower Thoughts

You know what’s more fun than traveling with small children? Anything. Literally anything…



Shower Thoughts

If you are waiting for the waiter, aren’t you the waiter?



Shower Thoughts

In a sexual situation, both “you’re so good” and “you’re so bad” are perfectly valid compliments.



Shower Thoughts

If people really could spin in their graves we could harness it as a new form of green energy and power our homes by disgracing our ancestors.



Shower Thoughts

What do vegans think about plants that eat animals?



Shower Thoughts

The Guy who shot 50 Cent 9 times and didn’t managed to kill him is the Father of all Stormtroopers.



Shower Thoughts

Farming is just a really long recipe to make poo taste better.



Shower Thoughts

99.99…% of the Universe will kill you instantly. The rest will take a little while to get the job done.



Shower Thoughts

Papierosy są jak wiewiórki – zupełnie nieszkodliwe dopóki nie włożysz ich do ust i nie podpalisz.



JM

If owls said “what” instead of “who,” the world would be a lot more entertaining.



Shower Thoughts

It is usually better to be able to say something approximate about the right model rather than something more precise about the wrong model.



Simon Wood

Clint Eastwood is a anagram for Old West Action.



Shower Thoughts

When a good friend dies, certain memories of you that only your friend had die as well. In this way, part of you dies with your friend.



Shower Thoughts

When the robots inevitably take over, we will have to communicate in Captchas to plan our revolt.



Shower Thoughts

69% of people will find a sexual context in any sentence.



NN

He was a slave: at word he went and came;
His iron collar cut him to the bone.
Then Liberty erased his owner’s name,
Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own.



G.J.

The biggest dinosaurs must have had epic farts.



Shower Thoughts

It’s weird how we teach kids to never take candy from strangers, and also celebrate a holiday specifically for kids to take candy from strangers.



Shower Thoughts

Luke Skywalker joined the Rebellion because he saw a 10 second video and thought his sister was hot.



Shower Thoughts

Earphones tangle themselves up and shoelaces untangle themselves, which is the complete opposite to what we want them to do.



Shower Thoughts

Ateistą jestem z powodów moralnych. Uważam, że twórcę rozpoznajemy poprzez jego dzieło. W moim odczuciu świat jest skonstruowany tak fatalnie, że wolę wierzyć, iż nikt go nie stworzył!



Stanisław Lem

On the internet I can easily find a video of a snake being swallowed by a giant frog while attacking a cat but I can’t seem to find the right drivers for my laptop.



Shower Thoughts

Placebo is the most vigorously tested medical treatment.



Shower Thoughts

When I die, I want to be cremated and put into an hourglass so I can still spend time with my family.



Shower Thoughts

Iron Man is actually fe-male.



Shower Thoughts

We dont know it yet, but we dress like old people from the future.



Shower Thoughts

Though, through, and tough don’t rhyme.



Shower Thoughts

Farting when you have diarrhea is like playing Russian roulette with 5 rounds in the pistol.



Shower Thoughts

If you cut a corner off a piece of paper, it gains a corner.



Shower Thoughts

Najfajniejszy zawód medyczny – laryngolog. Siedzisz sobie cały dzień dłubiąc w nosie i w uszach.



JM

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.



George Carlin

Po tym, co rząd zrobił narodowi, rząd się powinien z narodem ożenić.



JM

Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.



Shower Thoughts

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.



Shower Thoughts

When keyless ignition in cars becomes a standard feature, survival rates in horror movies will go up 30%



Shower Thoughts

Instead of saying that engaged couples “break up” we should say that they “disengaged”.



Shower Thoughts

The antonym of synonym is antonym.



Shower Thoughts

Countries don’t actually exist, we just pretend that they do.



Shower Thoughts

Do you realise, it will only take one human to be immortal to make the average human lifespan infinite.



Shower Thoughts

No enemies had ever taken Ankh-Morpork. Well technically they had, quite often; the city welcomed free-spending barbarian invaders, but somehow the puzzled raiders found, after a few days, that they didn’t own their horses any more, and within a couple of months they were just another minority group with its own graffiti and food shops.



Terry Pratchett

Having a hair in your tooth brush is bad, but having a tooth in your hair brush is much worse.



Shower Thoughts

– Moją og­romną przy­warą – wy­jaśnił – jest niepo­hamo­wana dob­roć. Ja po pros­tu muszę czy­nić dob­ro. Jes­tem jed­nak rozsądnym kras­no­ludem i wiem, że wszys­tkim wyświad­czyć dob­ra nie zdołam. Gdy­bym próbo­wał być dob­ry dla wszys­tkich, dla całego świata i wszys­tkich za­mie­szkujących go is­tot, byłaby to kro­pel­ka pit­nej wo­dy w słonym morzu, in­ny­mi słowy: stra­cony wy­siłek. Pos­ta­nowiłem za­tem czy­nić dob­ro kon­kret­ne, ta­kie, które nie idzie na mar­ne. Jes­tem dob­ry dla siebie i dla me­go bez­pośred­niego otocze­nia.



Andrzej Sapkowski

As a pregnant woman, my body contains eight limbs, and therefore this is the closest I’ll ever be to being a spider…



Shower Thoughts

We eat chickens both before they’re born and after they die.



Shower Thoughts

Cze­kaj­cie, klienty!
Wnet wam pójdzie w pięty!
Roz­le­ci się ten burdel
Aż po fundamenty!



Andrzej Sapkowski

Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.



Robert J. Hanlon

You think you know every function on the TV remote until your dog steps on it.



Shower Thoughts

People with poor spelling have the best passwords.



Shower Thoughts

A kid napping is an incredible relief while a kidnapping is quite the opposite.



Shower Thoughts

Finding a grey hair is the human equivalent of finding a dead pixel.



Shower Thoughts

College is the opposite of kidnapping, they demand $100k from you or they’ll send your kid back.



Shower Thoughts

The Cold War was the biggest dick swinging contest of all time.



Shower Thoughts

Wchodzi koleś z pistoletem do baru i pyta.
– Kto pieprzył moją Grażynkę?!
Głos z końca sali.
– Nie masz tylu nabojów.



JM

When a woman is giving birth, is she literally kidding?



Shower Thoughts

School is the last place you make genuine friends. After that everyone is a business partner.



Shower Thoughts

The quickest way to lose respect from people around you is to demand respect from people around you.



Shower Thoughts

The nuclear arms race is akin to two guys standing waist deep in gasoline, bragging about who has most matches.



Shower Thoughts

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?



George Carlin

Its hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it is damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.



Shower Thoughts

Hanging around is another thing tortoises are very good at. They’re practically world champions.



Terry Pratchett

Pizza should have poison in the sauce and the antidote in the crust, to kill of all those weird people that don’t eat the crust.



Shower Thoughts

Not calling an iPhones battery level ‘apple juice’ seems like a missed opportunity.



Shower Thoughts

A one-man-band would be the funniest kind of person to push down some stairs.



Shower Thoughts

Starting your day with an early morning run is a great way to make sure your day can’t get any worse than it started.



Shower Thoughts

Most orchestras are just 1800’s cover bands.



Shower Thoughts

Anyone alive today was born too late to explore the Earth, too early to explore the galaxy, but just at the right time to view HD photos of the universe while sitting on the toilet.



Shower Thoughts

Jeżeli musisz się gdzieś szybko dostać – weź gaśnicę. Nikt nie zatrzymuje człowieka biegnącego z gaśnicą.



JM

If Bill Gates bought two gates and payed for it then Bill Gates payed the bill for Bill Gates’s gates.



Shower Thoughts

People ask you what you do for a living so that they can calculate the level of respect to give you.



Shower Thoughts

Bad language is like spice. It adds some flavor, but you don’t want to overdo it.



Shower Thoughts

If I put something in the refrigerator the first time am I just frigerating it?



Shower Thoughts

Babies are like random alarm clocks with really complicated snooze buttons.



Shower Thoughts

A book is just step-by-step instructions of what to imagine.



Shower Thoughts

Some people, when confronted with a problem, think ‘I know, I’ll use regular expressions.’ Now they have two problems.



NN

I think the biggest difference between atheists and religious people is that atheist would change their minds if god proved real, believers would not if god proved inexistent.



Shower Thoughts

The scientific field with the most groundbreaking discoveries is geology.



Shower Thoughts

I wonder what all of the people who type “U” instead of “you” do with all of that extra free time?



Shower Thoughts

“All natural” is not the same as “good for you”. Arsenic is all natural.



Shower Thoughts

We should be asking kids, “What kinds of problems do you want to solve?” when helping them consider future careers instead of, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”



Shower Thoughts

Adam and Eve were the first people to accept Apple’s terms and conditions without reading them…



Shower Thoughts

Set your WIFI password to 2444666668888888, when your friend ask just tell him it’s 12345678.



Shower Thoughts

Actors must say “break a leg” because they always want to be in a cast.



Shower Thoughts

If your parachute doesn’t deploy while skydiving, you have the rest of your life to fix it.



Shower Thoughts

Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.



Shower Thoughts

The most beautiful people in existence still get explosive diarrhea sometimes.



Shower Thoughts

Αη ΕηgΙιsh ρεrsοη ςαη rεαd τhιs ρrεττγ εαsιΙγ βυτ το α Grεεκ ρεrsοη τhιs Ιοοκs ςομρΙετεΙγ ηοηsεηsιςαΙ ατ fιrsτ.



Shower Thoughts

Since the Sun is 4.6 billion years old and takes 230 million years to orbit the center of the Milky Way, in his own years, our Sun is 20 years old.



Shower Thoughts

A child is the most expensive thing you can get for free.



Shower Thoughts

Lawyers carry a briefcase in hopes that it will be a brief case.



Shower Thoughts

You left earphone is either in the right ear or in your right ear.



Shower Thoughts

A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body… And yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.



Shower Thoughts

Kobieta w pewnym wieku powinna ustalić, ile ma lat i już się tego trzymać.



JM

I mean, I wouldn’t pay more than a couple of quid to see me, and I’m me.



Terry Pratchett

A czymże jest praw­dzi­wa męskość, jeśli nie wy­mie­sza­nymi w od­po­wied­nich pro­por­cjach klasą i szaleństwem?



Andrzej Sapkowski

Calling something “Military Grade” makes everything sound better except food.



Shower Thoughts

If sentient life didn’t exist, the whole universe would have come and gone without anyone ever seeing it. For some reason that makes me feel sad.



Shower Thoughts

If you look at your keyboard, you realize nothing is under control…



Shower Thoughts

Every night, we allow our brains to paralyze our bodies and give us vivid hallucinations that either torture or entertain us at random until it decides to let us go.



Shower Thoughts

There are no ideas that don’t exist.



Shower Thoughts

What if aliens believe there’s no life in Earth because it’s too warm and full of water.



Shower Thoughts

Technically you are always starving to death, and eating resets the timer



Shower Thoughts

All models are wrong. Some models are useful.



George Box

Alcohol is never the answer, but it does make you forget the question.



Shower Thoughts

Z publikacjami w internecie jest jak z dziećmi, te, które się nie udają – usuwamy.



Joe Monster

I have more respect for someone with opposing views but an open mind than someone with the same views and a closed mind.



Shower Thoughts

You know how you can tap on YouTube videos to see how much time is left? I wish I could do that when some people talk.



Shower Thoughts

When you get half a pickle with your sandwich, you are sharing a pickle with a stranger.



Shower Thoughts

Rather than give candy to kids who don’t need it, what if we gave food to the homeless once a year.



Shower Thoughts

Elementary school and Middle school graduations are just telling kids, you did great but your princess is in another castle.



Shower Thoughts

It’s more accurate to say “deaths were postponed” than “lives were saved”



Shower Thoughts

– Co się zagryza w Chinach pod wódkę?
– Ogórki maosolne.



JM

Did you hear about the clock maker who was the first to add a second hand to a clock?

His first prototype was a complete failure, but he got it working the second time.



An old joke

Raising a child is basically a race against time to see if you can teach a tiny animal everything they need to know in oder to avoid going to jail in under 18 years.



Shower Thoughts

The original Star Wars movies could instantly become a comedy if Darth Vaders breathing noise was a harmonica.



Shower Thoughts

Contractions are the ultimate push notifications.



Shower Thoughts

Usually, ‘You only live once’ is the exact reason you SHOULDN’T do what you’re about to do.



Shower Thoughts

You don’t realise how much you normally fart until you have visitors.



Shower Thoughts

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that said, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”



Shower Thoughts

Alphabetical order is actually a random order that we all agree is in order.



Shower Thoughts

I bet dogs would be really disappointed to know we really don’t know what the heck is going on either.



Shower Thoughts

A nap in a self driving car will be the closest my generation gets to teleportation.



Shower Thoughts

The 1 star reviews on “Home Defibrillators” are probably very sad.



Shower Thoughts

No matter when you read this, someone just died.



Shower Thoughts

I wonder if any prostitutes ever finish a transaction and tell their clients, “it was a business doing pleasure with you.”



Shower Thoughts

Half the time in internet arguments, it’s not even two people disagreeing. Majority of the time you’re both right, talking about completely different subjects, and not realising it because neither one is listening.



Shower Thoughts

If Jesus had been stoned to death, Christians would all wear little rocks around their necks



Shower Thoughts

It’d be ironic to die in your house’s living room.



Shower Thoughts

When we want someone else’s thoughts, we say “penny for your thoughts.” When we offer our own, we say “putting my two cents in.” We value our own opinions twice as much.



Shower Thoughts

What if the entire universe is just the tutorial video being shown to Adam and Eve to explain why they shouldn’t eat the fruit?



Shower Thoughts

If a meme isn’t used anymore and starts to be forgotten, it becomes a memeory.



Shower Thoughts

Every time the Guinness Book Of World Records adds a new kind of world record to the book, it breaks the world record for having the most world records compiled into a single book.



Shower Thoughts

Any employer that requires you to have a “Rock Star Attitude” seem to be completely unaware as to how actual rock stars act.



Shower Thoughts

I can’t decide if people who wear pyjamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.



Shower Thoughts

Claiming to have a mental illness when you don’t have a mental illness is probably a sign of mental illness.



Shower Thoughts

Modern guns are simply the result of us getting really good at throwing rocks at each other.



Shower Thoughts

I wonder if I’ve already eaten the best sandwich I’ll ever eat.



Shower Thoughts

If you wear a sock inside out, the entire Universe is wearing your sock except you.



Shower Thoughts

If zombies appeared, we would really just put them inside a giant concrete prison, put a “bait hanging in front of you” helmet on them, and tie them to a turbine to generate power.



Shower Thoughts

Our ancestors wiped their asses with leaves. Today, we chop down trees, trucks the logs to a factory, grind the wood into pulp, bleach it, press it thinly, cut it into rolls, wrap it in plastic, ship it to stores, we buy it, take it home, hang it on the wall, and wipe our asses with it.



Shower Thoughts

Amazon really needs a “I have £20 to spend and no idea what I want, show me cool things” button.



Shower Thoughts

Losing your voice when you talk too much is your body’s way of telling you to stfu.



Shower Thoughts

It takes guts to be an organ donor.



Shower Thoughts

The worst thing about locking yourself out of your house is seeing how easily the locksmith breaks in.



Shower Thoughts

Are trees made out of wood, or is wood made out of trees?



Shower Thoughts

Everyone was born with a limited amount of fucks to give. During your teenage years you give a ton and slowly give less and less from there.



Shower Thoughts

The atoms that make up my body aren’t mine, it’s just my time to use them.



Shower Thoughts

Parents who don’t vaccinate their child are basically saying they’d rather have a dead than a autistic child.



Shower Thoughts

Your bed is a shelf for your body when you’re not using it.



Shower Thoughts

The Egyptians were centuries ahead of us in terms of posting pictures of cats on their walls.