Kids who grew up in the 80s were too early to have had the internet at all. But kids who grew up in the 00s, notably after the iPhone came out in 06, grew up very differently. The internet wasn't a precious resource, but an always available utility ready to be consumed at will.
This generation is growing up in a never ending onslaught of advertisements and peer pressure the likes of which we didn't experience. They are all guinea pigs for the Facebooks of the world, subjects of the A/B psychographic targeting grind. Their dopamine receptors have been primed since birth to go crazy at the sight of a like.
A good plan, violently executed now, is better than a perfect plan next week.
Just bought an audiobook version of the dictionary.
Says it all, really...
When your phone stops autocorrecting to “duck”, you know it’s really yours
With 7 billion people on Earth, every single day (24 hour period) there is over 19 million years of human experience that occurs.
Let’s give the top 100 richest people in the world cancer and see how long it takes to be cured.
- Skąd Ojciec Dyrektor ma tę czerwoną Teslę?
- Z nieba mi spadła...
If you get your electricity from wind turbines and drive an electric car, you’re just sailing with extra steps.
We only live once and time goes by fast. Why waste it worrying about the future, regretting the past, or being anxious in the present moment?
What if we are part of a procedurally generated universe in a shitty video game created by another species that no one plays anymore.
If I lost at Russian Roulette I wouldn’t even know.
Do you know that tingly sensation you get when you really like someone? That is common sense, leaving your body.
If you ever miss 4:20 just wait until 4:22, because 4:22 is 4:20 too.
Becoming an expert is having fewer and fewer people to ask when you don’t know something about the field.
Evolution produces organisms that don’t believe in evolution.
15 years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Now, the real world is the escape from the internet.
People who sleepwalk are technically following their dreams.
Jokes are like frogs: they die when dissected.
If people one day woke up and became happy with themselves, imagine how many industries would run out of business.
Bassists are like eyebrows, you don’t notice how important they are until they’re gone.
Kiedyś weekendy to były małe wakacje. Teraz to minutowe przerwy między rundami na ringu.
Someday, somebody is going to get drunk and wake up on the wrong planet.
Giving other people cake on your birthday makes no sense.
There should be a reality show where people track down and expose people who’ve posted horrible and vile comments on the internet.
If a 9 year old used an anti-aging cream that made your skin look 10 years younger, would they disappear?
In a 100 years, having I am not a robot test on your website is going to be considered discriminating.
Cows are just edible lawnmowers.
Remember that every corpse on Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Sleeping is like death but with ads.
If you ever miss 4:20, just wait until 4:22 because 4:22 is 4:20 too.
"listen" is an anagram for "silent"
If you’re skydiving and your parachute breaks you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Being told Gravity pulls everything “Downward” and not “Inward” at a young age could explain why some people believe the Earth is flat.
Birds can fly but flies can’t bird.
Don’t bring your dog, named “Shark” to the beach, EVER!
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
If you ever feel mad that you missed out on something cool, just remember that Michael Collins flew all the way to the moon on Apollo 11, just to stay in orbit while Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first humans to walk on the moon.
99.99…% of the Universe will kill you instantly. The rest will take a little while to get the job done.
According to our brain, the brain is the most important organ in our body.
Space cowboys imply the existence of space cows.
Dorastałem dosłownie o rzut kamieniem od tej posesji, na której cała rodzina umarła od tajemniczych urazów głowy.
Getting shot by bullet in head is less painful than than in a foot.
When Math teachers used to tell us “you won’t always have a calculator with you” they couldn’t have been more wrong.
An argument against a intelligent person is hard to win, but an argument against a stupid person is impossible to win.
Compliments and insults are similar in the fact that they both have to be personal to be effective.
Farming is just a really long recipe to make poo taste better.
SPOiLER: ‘Growing up’ never happens. We just get larger, gain life experience (fuck up, a lot), and at some point have to pretend we know wtf is going on.
Someone who says he will be there in 6 minutes, will most likely show up earlier, than someone who says he will be there in 5 minutes.
Half the time in internet arguments, it’s not even two people disagreeing. Majority of the time you’re both right, talking about completely different subjects, and not realising it because neither one is listening.
A shirt that says: “Better than you at raising children” is rude but “worlds greatest dad” is not.
The singular of sheep should be shoop.
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Revenge is sweet and is also a dish best served cold. Revenge is personified by a blind man eating ice cream.
When a woman is giving birth, is she literally kidding?
If you buy cereal in a plastic bag but not a cardboard box, it’s seen as a bit trashy. If you buy wine in a cardboard box but not a bottle, it’s seen as a bit trashy. Therefore, buying cereal in a glass bottle is clearly the most sophisticated option.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I don’t care how safe it is. If I’m going skydiving, I’m clearing my browser history the night before.
Being a wealthy Nigerian with legitimate overseas interests must be really hard.
Now that I’m pushing 50, I’ve finally realized that the point at which popular music was most innovative, meaningful, and really, really great, was when someone was in their late teens to early 20’s, no matter how old that person is.
I feel like 90% of being good with nunchucks is just not reacting when you hit yourself.
Toxic family is way way way worse than toxic friends, colleagues and strangers.
Alcohol free and free alcohol are the polar opposites of fun.
We all accept the V sound in Stephen but Kephin looks weird.
Paleontologists missed a golden opportunity by not calling the dinosaur-ending rock a disasteroid.
People who poo on the toilet seats walk among us every day and we don’t even know who they are.
If you come to my funeral... I’m not coming to yours.
The number of eagles who can pick up a bull, you can count them on the fingers of one head.
Anyone alive today was born too late to explore the Earth, too early to explore the galaxy, but just at the right time to view HD photos of the universe while sitting on the toilet.
“When I was your age, we used to walk miles through snow” has been replaced with “back in my, we only had dial up internet”.
I wish my bed was as comfy when I’m trying to fall asleep as it is when my alarm goes off.
Take a rectangular table with 4 corners. Cut off one of them. You have 5 corners now.
4-1=5
I can’t decide if people who wear pyjamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
- Jaki wiek jest dla mężczyzny krytyczny?
- 50 lat. Emerytury jeszcze nie dają, kobiety już nie dają.
Surgeons and Snipers need steady hands for the opposite reason.
Anti-Vaxxers are basically saying dead children are a preferable alternative to autistic children.
Widziałem ostatnio taką wystawę. Była tam wielka iluzja optyczna. Potem się jednak zorientowałem, że to tylko sprawiało wrażenie iluzji.
Saying “I lost the stylus for my tablet” would’ve still made sense over 2000 years ago.
What if Mike was short for Micycle?
Allergies to pollen is just your body rejecting the sexual advances of a different look lifeform. Perhaps it’s the people without allergies who are the sickos.
Straight people are the main cause of overpopulation.
I had more freedom as a kid riding around on a bike than as an adult driving in a car.
A kid napping is an incredible relief while a kidnapping is quite the opposite.
The number 14233221 describes itself, It has one 4, two 3, three 2 and two 1s.
Glitter is litterally 85.7% litter.
Hasbro has a monopoly on games and a game on monopolies.
Are trees made out of wood, or is wood made out of trees?
Fingers and toes aren’t that different, but getting fingered and getting towed are very different.
A werewolf who doesn’t know that they’re a werewolf would be an unawarewolf.
You know how you can tap on YouTube videos to see how much time is left? I wish I could do that when some people talk.
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.
Sadly, he lost his case.
It becomes less and less acceptable to cry in public the older you get, despite the reasons for doing so becoming more and more valid.
Paying for contact lenses every month is essentially paying a monthly subscription to see life in HD.
The more suicidal people there are in the world, the less suicidal people there are in the world.
Hair is so much more gross when it’s not attached to someone.
If the Earth was actually flat, there would be a fringe group claiming it was round.
Spotkałem niedawno mikrobiologa. Był dużo większy, niż myślałem.
If you wore an invisible cloak, we would still be able to see you, we just wouldn't be able to see the cloak.
Everyone talks about the weather but nobody does anything about it.
Ludzie dzielą się na trzy kategorie: na tych co potrafią liczyć i na tych co nie potrafią.
After witnessing people’s behaviour on the internet, and comparing it to real life human behaviour, the conclusion is that 90% of what we know as manners, common decency, human kindness etc is merely fear of consequence and or repercussions.
Bycie przesądnym przynosi pecha.
Using ‘half a dozen’ instead of 'six’ is a good example of how complicated human beings are.
It’s pretty ironic that Internet was created to save time.
There was a time, where one could watch all the existing movies within one lifespan.
I hate quotations.
A book is just step-by-step instructions of what to imagine.
When you buy life insurance, the company is betting that you’ll live and you’re betting that you’ll die.
If you dig a trench beneath miners in order to sabotage them, you are mining under miners to undermine them
The adjective “unlockable” can have 2 meanings. Something that can’t be locked, and something that can be unlocked.
Earphones tangle themselves up and shoelaces untangle themselves, which is the complete opposite to what we want them to do.
The secret to happiness is having low expectations.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Just as potential employers can ask for references from past employers, potential employees should be able to ask for references from past employees.
Padam na ziemię, ustami do czarnej ziemi. Mówię: Boże, którego nie ma, nie daj, żebym zrobiła krzywdę człowiekowi. Niech mi wpierw odpadnie ręka, niech mnie spali piorun. Padam na ziemię, ustami do żywej ziemi. Mówię: Boże, którego nie ma na najdalszej gwieździe, który jesteś we mnie, Boże doskonały, jak ja jestem nikczemna, Boże okrutny, oddaję ci na krwawą ofiarę największe szczęście mojego życia.
Must have been nice before cell phones. You could push someone in the water and not have to pay them hundreds of dollars.
If faster than light speed travel is ever invented, one could theoretically travel some distance, get a telescope, and watch them self get there.
Tonight, the Moon will be visible from Earth. The last time this happened was last night.
Maybe the ancient Egyptians didn’t actually deify cats, we just don’t understand their memes.
22:22 22/2/22 is a Tuesday.
Guinness World Records holds the world record for keeping track of the most world records
If you donate one kidney to a hospital, you’re a hero but if you donate 20, you go to jail.
From birth to death, life is essentially a body’s journey from one hole to another.
The word “plagiarism” is derived from another language.
The dictionary can be considered a holy book, since it has the meaning of life.
Babies are like random alarm clocks with really complicated snooze buttons.
Suicide is literally the last thing I would ever do.
The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.
When you take a cigarette out of a pack, the pack becomes a cigarette lighter!
Moja żona mówi, że mam 2 duże wady: nie umiem słuchać i coś tam jeszcze.
Jak zaaranżować całkowity brak aranżacji?
They still make microphones that are larger than regular phones.
My wife’s going for a sonogram soon. Or a daughterogram. We’re not sure yet…
Dancers took 5, 6, 7, 8 because musicians took 1, 2, 3, 4.
If someone tells you they are constipated they might not be lying but they are still full of shit.
Smart people have poor eyesight because lower graphics make your brain run faster.
FedEx can get a can of corn from Nebraska to California faster than the human body can get it from one end to the other.Source: Shower Thoughts
It’d be ironic to die in your house’s living room.
If you dig through history, you will never see the good guys burning books.
“Look, mom. No hands!” would be a great slogan for a unicycle shop, but a terrible slogan for a fireworks stand.
My dog on Halloween: “Why do my humans dress in weird clothes on the Night of the Thousand Doorbells?”
Cannibalism has a potential to solve both Hunger and Overpopulation problem.
Holding down the power button to turn a computer off is eerily similar to holding a pillow on top of someone’s face.
Paying for contact lenses every month is essentially paying a monthly subscription to see life in HD.
Your lips separate when you say "touch", but your lips touch when you say "separate".
Holding the door for someone is really polite. Holding the revolving door for someone is really rude.
I know I drive a worthless car when my worries about it being stolen depend on whether the fuel tank is full or not.
There should be an express line at coffee shops for people ordering plain black coffees as a little perk for not ordering one of those fufu coffee drinks that take 5 times longer to concoct.
Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.
Jobs that hurt people pay a lot more than jobs that help people.
The Earth is a machine that is slowly turning the sun into humans.
Naming Iceland Iceland and Greenland Greenland is one of the biggest trolls of all time.
If you take a book containing all of the animals that we’ve discovered and pick a page at random, there’s a 1 in 4 chance that the page describes a type of beetle.
Confidence is thinking you’re competent. Arrogance is thinking you’re competent and everyone else isn’t.
Thanks to dating apps, a lot of flirting is now probably done while pooping.
Everything smells a little like nose.
Bread is just like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
Reading is just staring at a dead piece of wood for hours and hallucinating.
Kiedyś prawdopodobnie zrzucę wagę, ale najpierw muszę przestać maczać snickersy w nutelli.
I spend about 500% of my life exaggerating.
If you take a woman to bed and her bra and panties match, I’m sorry to tell you she’s the one who planned everything.
If you’re raised by a gay couple, but your parents divorce and marry other people, you’re going to have four moms. Or four dads.
A physicist is a collection of particles trying to understand themselves.
A good book is like sex. Great, unless a teacher forces you into it.
Nigdy nie ma się drugiej okazji, żeby zrobić pierwsze wrażenie.
Peter Parker is so lucky his genes made it so that he shots web out of his hand and not his butthole like any other spider.
Putting puppy ears on a baby is cute. Putting baby ears on a puppy is creepy.
Taking Viagra by mistake is a lesson you learn the hard way.
Inflacja taka, że w tym roku będzie Święto Czterech Króli.
People that got dumped by astronauts shouldn’t feel bad. It wasn’t that they were a bad partner. They just needed space.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
If polar bears were in Antarctica too, they’d be bipolar bears.
You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Dogs protect humans from other humans and humans protect dogs from other dogs.
If sat is the past tense of sit, then fat is the past tense of fit.
Kiedy wracałem z wakacji linie lotnicze naliczyły mi dodatkową opłatę, bo miałem za duży bagaż wspomnień.
If you juice a watermelon, you get melon water.
The phrase “hold your horses” is telling you to be stable
We live thanks to oxygen created by trees and water. And we use them to clean our ass.
It is much more frowned upon to pee in the pool if you are outside of it.
A century ago, two brothers claimed that it was possible to fly. They were Wright.
Anything can be a UFO if you’re bad enough at identifying things.
Life is like a box of chocolates, halfway through you realise how much you hate yourself.
Hanging around is another thing tortoises are very good at. They’re practically world champions.
If you watch the Lord of the Rings backward it is a heartwarming tale about a hobbit retrieving a ring from a volcano, then hiking all across Middle Earth to give it to his uncle on his birthday.
Birth is the #1 cause of deaths.
College is the opposite of kidnapping, they demand $100k from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Indoor cats and dogs must think humans are having a constant pissing war over who the toilet belongs to.
Kids wanna be teenagers, adults wanna be teenagers again. Everybody wants to be a teenager, except teenagers.
Been calling to the British football abuse Hotline, but apparently it's only for victims...
Czy ktoś wie jak wyłączyć funkcję autokorekty u mojej żony?
You’ll never be able to confirm with certainty that you’re not immortal until you actually die.
Everyday, someone on Earth unknowingly does the biggest poo in the world for that day.
Imagine a fish coming into your living room wearing a mask and watching you eat breakfast. That’s what snorkeling is to them you sick weirdo.
If you sell both of your kidneys, you’ll have enough money for the rest of your life.
When you look at the moonlight reflected off of the water, you’re seeing light from plasma, reflected off of a solid, that was then refracted by a gas, and then ultimately reflected by liquid. All forms of matter coming together.
If you cut a corner off a piece of paper, it gains a corner.
Alligators don’t even alligate.
People never grow up. We just act like an adult so people will give us money.
The Internet is a great place for discussing important topics because we can pause, think, and even research before responding. Instead we just think of better ways to insult each other.
I bet they are making so many Fast & Furious films just so they can make “Fast10 Your Seatbelts”.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
If you are a recovering alcoholic who doesn’t drink, you are admired. If you choose not to drink because you don’t like to, people think you are weird.
Lego pieces from 1955 are still compatible with modern pieces but we have to change wires for phones every few years.
In a sexual situation, both “you’re so good” and “you’re so bad” are perfectly valid compliments.
When keyless ignition in cars becomes a standard feature, survival rates in horror movies will go up 30%
Alabama is 57% A
TAG is an acronym for touch and go.
Growing up with Where’s Waldo? books was good training for finding the real download button on a web page.
The internet is the sum of all human knowledge. We just didn’t take into account how many idiots there are out there.
One of the “A"s in Aaron is silent, and we will never know which it is.
Study shows that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
And that's because monkeys are difficult to cook...
It’s only premarital sex if they ended up getting married.
Oddział zakaźny szpitala wojewódzkiego poszukuje specjalisty od zaraz.
Żuk gnojarz ma kupki smakowe.
I hope I’m never in a situation in life where Tom Hanks will be cast as me in the movie.
If I say “fast food ice machines are as clean as fast food restaurant toilets” people panic; but if I say “fast food restaurant toilets are as clean as fast food ice machines” people applaud restroom cleanliness.
It’s fine to show people your positive pregnancy test, but show them anything else you’ve peed on and that’s disgusting.
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
My dog understand several human words. I don’t understand any dog barks. He may be smarter than me.
If Bruce Willis dies from Viagra overdose, the headline will read “Bruce Willis Dies Hard.”
When the person you’re dating asks “What are we?” it’s like the free trial period has expired and you have to decide whether or not to get a subscription…
If you say hi to someone named Jack, they have technically been hijacked.
Excuse me, Sir, there is a pigeon in your bank account.
If they put a Pokestop on the moon we’d get back there within 6 months.
When they invent a scent-recorder we can take smellfies.
- What is it that a man may call the greatest things in life?
- Hot water, good dentishtry and shoft lavatory paper.
We kill each other arguing over what happens when you die.
Earth is an overcrowded mental hospital where fake meanings to life are handed out like candy.
Learning English is difficult, but it can be taught through tough thorough thought though.
I wonder if any prostitutes ever finish a transaction and tell their clients, “it was a business doing pleasure with you.”
A stopped clock is right twice a day. But a clock running backwards at the normal speed is right four times a day.
You never realize how boring you are until someone asks you what you do for fun.
If I know someone can take a joke/insult without being offended, then I don’t mind if they insult me. But if it is someone who gets offended easily who insults me, I find that offensive.
There are 6.02x10^23 guacas in a guacamole.
Rozmawia ojciec z synem kilka dni przed ślubem.
- Jaki chciałbyś prezent ślubny dostać?
- Żaden, nie musisz mi nic dawać.
- Nie no co ty, muszę tobie coś kupić. No to co chcesz?
- Dwa jajka.
- A po co Ci dwa jajka?
- Na komunię mi ch*ja dałeś, to będzie akurat do kompletu.
There are truck drivers who deliver bananas. Driving people bananas is literally their job.
Boobs are like the sun, you can stare at them longer with sunglasses on.
Instead of LMAO or LOL, I’m gonna start using BATMN (blew air through my nose) because that’s what I really do when I read something funny.
Sneezing while pooping is an efficient way to clear two passages at once.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Your dog is probably a flat earther.
The first guy to discover cow's milk must have been into some other pretty weird stuff.
DiCaprio never died in Titanic. The last scene is him going underwater and the first scene in Inception is him waking up on a beach.
Children are the most expensive thing that you can get for free.
The first rule of passive aggressive club is…you know what, nevermind. It’s FINE
A czymże jest prawdziwa męskość, jeśli nie wymieszanymi w odpowiednich proporcjach klasą i szaleństwem?
Pytacie się mnie o skuteczność tej kuracji?
Zrzuciłem wagę.
Z piątego piętra.
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.
Saying you sleep 8 hours a day sounds perfectly normal. But, saying you sleep 4 months a year sounds insane.
Growing up is when you realise that your parents disappoint you instead of you disappointing them.
If you live 70 years, you spent 10 years on Monday.
Does anyone feel 100% confident correctly pronouncing the word “Worcestershire”?
- Jednak magia mocno zmienia człowieka - powiedział Harry Potter, drapiąc się ogonem po płetwach.
When someone starts a sentence with “with all due respect,” you know some disrespectful shit is coming next.
The fact that different countries don’t use different units of time is extremely convenient.
- Moją ogromną przywarą - wyjaśnił - jest niepohamowana dobroć. Ja po prostu muszę czynić dobro. Jestem jednak rozsądnym krasnoludem i wiem, że wszystkim wyświadczyć dobra nie zdołam. Gdybym próbował być dobry dla wszystkich, dla całego świata i wszystkich zamieszkujących go istot, byłaby to kropelka pitnej wody w słonym morzu, innymi słowy: stracony wysiłek. Postanowiłem zatem czynić dobro konkretne, takie, które nie idzie na marne. Jestem dobry dla siebie i dla mego bezpośredniego otoczenia.
To a dog, walks are like those escort missions in games where the NPC always moves annoyingly slow.
Bad language is like spice. It adds some flavor, but you don’t want to overdo it.
Anti-vaccine misinformation spreads virally.
If you lose your left arm, your right will be left and you’ll be all right.
After Beethoven died he became a decomposer.
Jesteśmy jak na krze, która jest unoszona prądami technologii. Nie panujemy nad nią, nie wiemy dokąd nas niesie, nie wiemy jak nią sterować.
In zombie movies people are never excited to find toilet paper.
Children are given false expectations of how important knowing the difference between stalactites and stalagmites will be in later life.
Smoking is good for the environment as it kills humans.
Brushing your teeth is the only time you get to clean your skeleton.
The future is already here – it's just not evenly distributed.
The first person to be scientifically made to be immortal will probably be killed by religious extremists.
King Midas’s dog is most likely a golden retriever.
The adjective for metal is metallic, but that’s not the case for iron, which by the virtue of the situation is ironic.
Water is the solution to everything! Thirsty? Drink water. Dry skin? Drink water. Get rid of your enemies? Drown them.
The gender-neutral term for “sugar daddy” is "glucose guardian".
Dying of old age is basically saying death by survival.
The radio station in GTA V has more variety than normal radio stations.
When someone says they’ve lost 2 or 3 pounds in a short amount of time, I picture them taking a giant dump and then stepping on the scale in victory.
A line of paint on the road holds more authority than i ever will.
Mick Jagger, 72, is having a kid, his 8th, with his 29 year old girlfriend, who is 16 years younger than his oldest child, which is 45. But two moms or two dads is too difficult to explain to a seven year old.
Tetris taught me when you fit in you disappear.
You can shovel with a shovel, rake with a rake, but you can’t broom with a broom.
Kobiety są mi potrzebne do życia jak powietrze. Tylko te opłaty klimatyczne...
Approximate 7.8 billion people have no idea who you are.
After they just barely touch our lips, we put our cups, mugs, and glasses into a machine that washes them with boiling water and soap for an hour. But our toothbrushes just get a rinse of cold water.
Your stomach is always filled with warm vomit.
People ask you what you do for a living so that they can calculate the level of respect to give you.
Saying there’s no bad dogs only bad people leads us to there’s no bad people only bad parents, which leads to a recursive function that ends with the original multicellular organism being a jerk.
Most people dressing up for dates want to be seen in nice clothes just to improve the chances of being seen in no clothes.
In the future, people will probably look at terabytes and petabytes the same way we do the bytes and kilobytes.
Nie pytaj, co rząd może zrobić dla ciebie. Zapytaj, czy mógłby tego nie robić.
The toothfairy teaches us to sell our body for money.
Pavlov thought about feeding his dogs whenever he heard a bell ring.
The biscuit and triscuit must have rendered the monoscuit obsolete.
There are no ideas that don’t exist.
Elsa and Greta Thunberg are both Scandinavians who want the world to be cooler.
If a zombie apocalypse happens in Vegas, does it stay in Vegas?
What if the entire universe is just the tutorial video being shown to Adam and Eve to explain why they shouldn’t eat the fruit?
Relationship is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
There are 7.66 billion people on earth. There are 365.25 days in an average year. To the 20.9 million people whose birthday is today, happy birthday!
When I die, I want to be cremated and put into an hourglass so I can still spend time with my family.
Give a man a helicopter, he will fly for a day. Throw him off the helicopter, he will fly for the rest of his life.
If you manage to live until 113 years old, you become a teenager again.
Rubbing alcohol is for wounds on the outside; drinking alcohol is for wounds on the inside.
In the future people will use their 5G phones to protest against 6G.
It’s cheaper buying a whole human than buying it organ by organ.
The first word I say every year is "happy" and the last is "one"
At age 30, you’ve spent a month having birthdays.
I’m glad that I decided to do drugs in high school instead of playing football, because football could have led to some serious brain damage.
Horses with horns don’t exist, but 20 foot tall horses with long necks, leopard print skin, and blue tongues do.
Doors are for when you need a wall, but don’t really want it there.
Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong are inverses of each other. Michael moonwalked on the Earth and Neil earth-walked on the moon.
No matter how hard you push and no matter what the priority, you can't increase the speed of light.
No enemies had ever taken Ankh-Morpork. Well technically they had, quite often; the city welcomed free-spending barbarian invaders, but somehow the puzzled raiders found, after a few days, that they didn't own their horses any more, and within a couple of months they were just another minority group with its own graffiti and food shops.
Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is common. Arguing with them is acceptable. However, when you begin to lose the argument, you’re in trouble.
The original Star Wars movies could instantly become a comedy if Darth Vaders breathing noise was a harmonica.
Real friends are those who shit on your face and praise you behind your back.
Do you realise, it will only take one human to be immortal to make the average human lifespan infinite.
Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
For Valentine's Day, I got my wife a horse-drawn carriage.
Turns out that horses are rubbish at drawing...
There is a giant, flaming ball of gas in the sky that’s been there from the moment we were born to the day we will die. And we’re not supposed to look at it.
Gdyby ludzie od jaskiniowej epoki robili tylko to, co wyglądało na możliwe, do dzisiaj siedzieliby w jaskiniach.
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then, I contradict myself.
I am large, I contain multitudes.Source: “Song of Myself”
The Universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
A circle is circular, a triangle is triangular, a rectangle is rectangular, but a square isn’t squarular…
Technically you are always starving to death, and eating resets the timer
Looking for a romantic partner after 30 is like going to the second page of Google search results.
Eating a clock is time consuming.
If two pregnant women have a fist fight it’s like a mecha battle between unborn babies.
At this moment there’s a giant perpetually exploding orb in the sky that will blind you if you look at it and the only thing that protects everything from being destroyed by its scorching rays is a magic forcefield generated by a swirling volcano in the planet’s core.
With an average of 7 lbs of feces inside them, 536 people have been to space. It costs ~10k per pound for a trip to space. We’ve spent around $32.5 million shipping literal shit into space.
What do vegans think about plants that eat animals?
Actors must say “break a leg” because they always want to be in a cast.
We’re all just killing time until time kills us.
Girls named Elizabeth will sometimes use the nicknames Elle, Liz, or Beth. But they never use the third syllable: Zab.
If Apple sold the Note 9 they would probably sell the pen separately.
In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people whereas in 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.
If God took the seventh day off to rest, shouldn’t Christians not pray on Sunday and let him enjoy his day off.
Humans are technically percussion instruments. If you hit them with a stick, they make a sound.
When Snoop Dogg is 60, he’ll be 420 in dogg years.
People who believe in homeopathy are highly dilutional.
As you get older you become smarter by realizing how dumb you are.
Since “you aren’t” and “you’re not” are the same thing, can we just invent “you'ren’t” and use that instead?
The dilemma with a good book always is that you want to finish it but you also don’t want it to end.
Singing happy birthday and cutting the cake is pretty similar to a satanic ritual. A gathering of people huddle around an object that is on fire, chant a repetitive song in unison then blow the fire out and stab the object. This “ceremony” represents another year closer to inevitable death.
Rozdaj wszystko, a uczyni to twą duszę szlachetną. A mieszek i kałdun pustymi.
If having sex allowed for a 50% chance that the man would get pregnant instead of the woman, the world would be a very different place.
It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it.
Past tense of Wyoming is Wyomed.
Halloween must feel really weird for Jehova’s Witnesses, as random people start knocking on their doors instead of the other way around.
If 72 virgins is the reward for blowing yourself in a crowd of innocent people, someone should start a peaceful religion that awards 73 virgins for just being cool.
Apartments are really togetherments.
The day mind reading is invented will probably be the day 90% friendships die.
If reincarnation is real, then putting dangerous people in prison for life is ultimately more effective than execution because it keeps them out of the rotation.
It is literally impossible for a Chinese speaker to be a flat-earther as the Chinese word for “Earth” is 地球, which literally translates as “ground sphere” or “ground ball”
I've hired a proof reader for my articles and I think he's well worth the monkey...
“Open” starts with a letter that’s closed. “Closed” starts with a letter that’s open.
Somebody’s therapist probably knows a lot about you.
Microbes and bacteria evolve over time as things become resistant. If you go forward in time, you die. If you go backward in time, you kill everyone.
Mass murderers are basically impatient serial killers.
If an adult has an imaginary friend, it’s psychosis. If a million adults have an imaginary friend, it’s tax-exempt.
I mean, I wouldn't pay more than a couple of quid to see me, and I'm me.
According to Led Zeppelin, heaven is not handicap accessible. According to AC/DC, hell is.
Push up bra is like a bag of chips. Contents may seem full but when you open it, it’s half empty and you are disappointed.
The Wright brothers first flew in 1903. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon in 1969. Within a human life span we went from barely getting off the ground to walking on another celestial body.
Global Warming is just the planet getting a fever to try to kill of its infection
Anyone born on 22nd February 2000, will be 22 on Tuesday, 22 02 2022. They can throw the ultimate Twosday party.
Asking an insane male squirrel “Show me yer nuts!” is a triple entendre.
Brother Preptil, the master of music, had described Brutha’s voice as putting him in mind of a dissapointed vulture arriving too late at a dead donkey.
If you steal somebody’s music, you are taking notes.
When a computer overheats, it freezes.
How much more interesting would watching sports be if they replaced the network commentators with one die hard (borderline beligerent) fan from each team and stuck them in the booth together? And allowed them drink during the broadcast?
Czekajcie, klienty!
Wnet wam pójdzie w pięty!
Rozleci się ten burdel
Aż po fundamenty!
February 22nd, 2022 (2/22/22) falls on a Tuesday, making it 2’s day.
The first 18 years of your life are like a free trial and the rest is pay to play.
The doorbell is just a ring tone for in-person conversations.
Hiccups never truly go away. They just get further apart.
They should really make couples pass a parent course before being allowed to have a child.
Giraffes must take forever to vomit.
Choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.
The biggest step in any relationship is not the first kiss…it’s the first fart.
Człowiek jest małpą, która potrafi zrobić najprecyzyjniejszą brzytwę, aby poderżnąć gardło drugiej małpie.
In just a few short years, my body has gone from saying “you don’t need to drink to have fun”, to “you don’t need to be having fun to drink”
Thermometers are speedometers for atoms.
There is almost nothing better than consensual sex. There is almost nothing worse than nonconsensual sex.
If we really are being spied on with our smartphones, there must be tens of petabytes of fart noises stored somewhere.
We all wish superpowers existed, but in reality humans can’t even handle different skin colours.
The guy saying “the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun” is the guy trying to sell two guns.
Our bodies are 70% water. We didn’t leave the ocean, we learned to take it with us.
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
Clint Eastwood is a anagram for Old West Action.
A thousand years ago people were probably complaining about how those damn millennials were ruining the Middle Ages.
W związku ze zbyt małą ilością SMOGu na pomorzu - Sopot, Gdańsk i Gdynia biorą udział w projekcie TrujMiasto
The hardest problem in computer science is not being an opinionated jerk about everything.
If they make an adult version of Toy Story, the plot of a toy named Buzz replacing a toy named Woody still holds up.
Po tym, co rząd zrobił narodowi, rząd się powinien z narodem ożenić.
In 2008, I bought an iPhone because it was the only phone with a 3.5mm jack. Now it’s the only phone without a 3.5mm jack.
- Potrzebuję tego na wczoraj.
- Nie ma sprawy, proszę złożyć zamówienie w ubiegłym tygodniu.
Some people have trouble sleeping because the dream server is full, you need to wait for someone to wake up so you can sleep.
Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
I’d be more terrified by the absence of aliens rather than the presence of them.
Why don't wheelchairs have pedals for when your arms get tired?
Being a female werewolf must suck. They’d have to deal with “that time of the month,” two times a month.
The inventor of gift cards was able to convince the public to exchange a currency that is accepted everywhere into a currency accepted at one location.
I always thought reality shows were stupid but then I remembered that in reality people are stupid.
Being a parent is like having a garbage roommate that you love unconditionally.
Chwytam się różnych rzeczy, śniegu, drzew, niepotrzebnych telefonów, czułości dziecka, wyjazdów, wierszy Różewicza, snu, jabłek, porannej gimnastyki, rozmów o błogich własnościach witamin, wystaw awangardowej sztuki, spacerów na kopiec Kościuszki, polityki, muzyki Pandereckiego, żywiołowych katastrof w obcych krajach, rozkoszy moralności i rozkoszy niemoralności, plotek, zimnego tuszu, zagranicznych żurnali, nauki włoskiego języka, sympatii dla psów, kalendarza. Chwytam się wszystkiego, żeby się nie zapaść w przepaść.
Ekipa izraelskich alpinistów z powodzeniem obeszła Mount Everest.
W policji feministki zażądały kur zamiast kogutów na radiowozach.
The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
James Bond is an HR reps worst nightmare. He sleeps with half his co-workers and kills the other half.
Both World Wars were started because of Austria. WW1 started because an Austrian was shot. WW2 started because an Austrian wasn’t.
You never stop clapping. The pauses between the claps just become longer.
Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.
Normal people are just people you don’t know very well.
One day, a random waiter or waitress gave you the kid’s menu for the last time.
R2D2 was so offensive they bleeped out every line he said.
“up” is “dn”, upside down
If your parachute doesn’t deploy while skydiving, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Ketchup makes a pretty good fake blood, but blood makes a pretty bad fake ketchup.
There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking
about.
KFC is both a restaurant and the main units of temperature.
Trąbiąc w korku, stoisz w nim szybciej.
Game development is just a bunch of people working productively so that others will lose their productivity.
Poszedł sobie Abdul na wybory Miss Niemiec.
I wygrał!
W odpowiedzi na zarzuty Trumpa, że napływ imigrantów zaszkodził Szwecji, wkurzeni Szwedzi wypowiedzieli Trumpowi dżihad.
OK looks like a sideways stick person.
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
Rosja zabrała się na poważnie za popularyzację zdrowego stylu życia. Wypuszczono wódkę z minerałami i witaminami.
Cats wake their owners up at night to see if they’re still alive and are bummed out ‘cause they can’t eat them yet.
I hope my dog never realizes that I’m full of bones.
Alcohol is never the answer, but it does make you forget the question.
In 1916, the average person owned a horse and was considered “rich” if they owned a car. In 2016, it’s the other way around.
The only reason we grow out of childhood fears like monsters and the dark is because we get real things to be scared of like taxes and dying alone.
No one wants to buy a second hand toilet, unless it comes already installed with the house - then nobody notices.Source: Shower Thoughts
Despite being many colours, crayola crayons all taste the same.
“A pair of scissors” and “two scissors” represent two different quantities of scissors.
If a cat were to give you advice they’d probably tell you to think inside the box.
Cutting the umbilical cord is switching the baby from a wired life to wifi.
It’s weird how couples trying to have a baby always seem to take a while to get pregnant, but the ONE time my condom breaks I got a little “miracle” on the way.
You always see cranes at construction sites, but you never see how the crane gets there.
Time flies when you are having fun. But if you are frog, time is fun when you are having flies.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
A one-man-band would be the funniest kind of person to push down some stairs.
You are not, “stuck in traffic.” You are traffic.
‘OK GOOGLE’ is not when Google starts listening, it is when it starts responding.
Jeśli płacicie ludziom za to, że nie pracują, a każecie im płacić podatki gdy pracują, nie dziwcie się, że macie bezrobocie.
Naming your boat Unsinkable 2 is a sure fire way to scare anyone who comes onboard.
If you buy a lottery ticket, and the draw has not been made yet, are you Schrödinger’s millionaire?
Z publikacjami w internecie jest jak z dziećmi, te, które się nie udają - usuwamy.
Every “c” in “Pacific Ocean” in pronounced differently.
If Sesame Street and Star Wars joined, there would be Cookie Wookies.
Gdyby wziąć wszystkie ziemskie słonie i poustawiać je jeden na drugim aż do Księżyca, to wszystkie te słonie by umarły.
Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.
Po studiach humanistycznych można zostać tylko nauczycielem albo urzędowym gryzipiórkiem, czyli kimś, kogo skrót rozszyfrowuje się jako Dobry Urzędnik Państwowej Administracji.
Kind of weird that when you want to adopt a kid they do a thorough check up on you, but if you want to make a kid you can do so whenever you want.
Gyms should offer a membership package where you pay for every day that you don’t go.
Maybe the reason you’re single is that your soulmate got stuck in a condom.
Iron Man is actually fe-male.
"There must be a hundred silver dollars in here," moaned Boggis, waving a purse. "I mean, that's not my league. That's not my class. I can't handle that sort of money. You've got to be in the Guild of Lawyers or something to steal that much."
Hearing “You’re on mute” is embarrassing but not as much as hearing “You’re not on mute”.
Spiders have 8 legs but octopi have 8 arms.
What if the expansion and shrinking of the universe every 30 billion years is just the result of an unfathomable sized creature breathing?
Time is money. One buys the other.
Noses are in the middle of our faces because it’s the scenter.
Człowiek to rzeczownik, a rzeczownikiem rządzą przypadki.
You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can judge a person by their bookshelf.
Every single person who confuses correlation and causation ends up dying.
The first strong AI would intentionally fail the Turing Test.
At some point chemicals became so complex that they started studying themselves.
Live like you’re broke, and you won’t be. Live like you’re rich, and you won’t be.
You are not scared of flying , you are scared of suddenly not flying anymore.
Your brain is slowly 3D printing your hair.
Trains are horizontal elevators.
If I linked enough watches together to make a belt, it would be a complete waist of time.
Since there is no spelling for a fart sound, we should all agree to use the symbol :! because it’s a Colon Exclamation.
– Wypadek przy pracy. Jakoś tak głupio wyszło. Frajer cuhaltu nie mógł rozblindować. Pomyślałem, że pomogę otworzyć. Co się będzie bidula sam męczył? Zasadziłem ze skoka w drzwi. Dostał zamkiem w łeb, kopyrtnął i wyciął makówą w stojak na kapoty. Zatrzepał kapciami jak Cygan na dyndawce, zipnął tak jakoś smutno i po chłopie. Zakitował w krótkich abcugach. Tragiedia.
As a pregnant woman, my body contains eight limbs, and therefore this is the closest I’ll ever be to being a spider…
5 in 6 people find Russian roulette harmless.
The speed limit is the maximum speed you can go by law and also basically the minimum speed you can go without pissing everybody else off.
Baristas probably have the worst customer experiences since they have to deal with people before they’ve had their morning coffee.
Instead of having Catwoman come in her house and start drinking milk after she changed, it would’ve been better if she started knocking things off of tables and kitchen counters.
What if Gods test for us is how gullible we are and only the atheists go to heaven?
- Jak się nazywa lekarz, który leczy pandy?
- Pandoktor.
Every Friday the 13th is preferable to Monday the anythingth.
There’s some real irony in spelling phonetically with a ‘ph’ and not an 'f’.
People who bleach their anus are potentially changing their “ring tone”
- Jaka jest różnica między parlamentarzystą a windziarzem?
- Windziarz potrafi obsługiwać więcej guzików.
If Jesus had been stoned to death, Christians would all wear little rocks around their necks
It sucks when I read read as read and not read, so I have to re-read read as read so I can read read correctly and it can make sense…
Technically, all humans are 50% centaurs.
Military barbers shave their privates.
It’s socially acceptable to tell an introvert to be more social but it isn’t socially acceptable to tell an extrovert to spend some time alone and quiet.
If you get pulled over and none of the five children in your car are wearing a seat belt you’re probably going to jail. But if you get pulled over and none of the 20 children in the vehicle are wearing seat belts, you’re probably driving a school bus.
Arguing with smart people is hard, but arguing with stupid people is impossible.
Żonaci faceci żyją dłużej od samotnych, ale chętniej umierają.
Let’s take a moment to appreciate that mother nature not only pre-sliced but also pre-wrapped oranges.
Restaurants should hang their dessert menus on the inside of the bathroom stalls and at the top have it read, “since you’re making more room..”
You know when two people kiss, they form a continuous tube with a butthole on each end.
Dziadek Jerzy stwierdził, że wcale nie jest aż tak schorowany, kiedy zobaczył, ile tabletek łyka jego wnuczka przed wyjściem na dyskotekę.
Hypothermia is the coolest way to die.
The average person spends about $8,400 on toilet paper in their lifetime. If you work a minimum wage job it will take you roughly 48 days to make all the money you would need to pay for all that toilet paper. That’s 48 days of your life you will dedicate to a paper product made for wiping your butt.
- Ile razy ja Ci już, Pietia, mówiłam, żebyś do cholery przestał być taki drobiazgowy?!
- Osiem.
Fame is based on how many people who you don’t know, know you.
When your phone is on vibrate you get a text massage.
Saying to a tall person “how tall are you?Do you play basketball?” is socially acceptable but saying to a fat person “how fat are u?do you play sumo?” is not.
I was reading about the silent film era and thinking about how silly the word "talkie" is, and was then forced to really consider, for the first time, the word "movie".
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, all you’ve lost is a pigeon.
If you don’t lie to the doctor about how much you drink, you’re not drinking enough.
Seasoning meat is just putting dead plants on top of dead animals.
- Statystyki mówią, że kobiety żyją dłużej.
- Jak zwykle nie są gotowe na czas.
We’ve become so advanced that we spend at least the first 20 or so years of our lives getting caught up on the basics of what we’ve figured out so far.
In space you could have double sided pizza.
An unintended pregnancy is a f*ng accident.
A small group of people expecting you to do something is peer pressure. A very large group of people expecting you to do something is tradition.
Losing your voice when you talk too much is your body’s way of telling you to stfu.
Moja żona jest tak gruba, że zamontowałem w lodówce żarówkę energooszczędną.
No-one goes there anymore - it’s too crowded.
When the person who invented the usb dies, they better put the coffin in the ground, bring it back out, flip it over and put it back in.
Buying a new wallet is sort of like your money selling off its family members for a housing upgrade.
One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday, eight hours.
Many people’s entire belief system is based on one book, and they will love, respect, honour, cherish and worship that book…..everything except actually read it.
It is more complicated than you think.
In real life, you’re scared of people finding your online life. In your online life, you’re scared of people finding your real life.
The use of birth control by responsible people is slowly replacing the human race with irresponsible people who get pregnant unintentionally.
I find the offspring of entirely different species’ to be absolutely adorable, and I can spend hours interacting with them. My own species’ offspring, however, I find creepy and go out of my way to avoid.
No one can be the least interesting person in the world, because that would make them more interesting.
Sleeping is an eight hour free trial of death, and we love that shit.
Gray is a color, while Grey is a colour.
Set a candle on fire, it burns for a couple hours. Set a man on fire, it burns for a lifetime.
“Fake it till you make it” is a really bad advice to anyone working in the medical field.
Exposing yourself to a nurse when you are sick is ok but exposing yourself to a nurse when you are ok is sick.
I’ve been overwhelmed. I’ve been underwhelmed… Have I ever been whelmed?
What if we had some sort of light that blinks on the side of cars to indicate a lane change.
Countries don’t actually exist, we just pretend that they do.
I wonder how long it takes for a Giraffe to throw up.
The fear of being alone in the dark, is actually the fear of not being alone in the dark.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
The skydiving business exists only because of surviviors bias. Its a bit hard to leave a bad review.
- Miałeś palić węglem, żeby mniej zanieczyszczać powietrze. Pamiętasz? Czym palisz?
- Miałem...
Spotkałem dzisiaj mikrobiologa. Był dużo większy, niż to sobie wyobrażałem.
Farting when you have diarrhea is like playing Russian roulette with 5 rounds in the pistol.
If a polar bear travels to the other pole, he becomes a bipolar bear.
Soon we will have ghosts that will only stay in a corner with their phones laughing faintly from time to time.
When my wife asks where I want to eat, she actually wants me to guess correctly where she wants to eat.
Give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man and he’ll eat for a week!
If you’re being cryogenicly frozen, the best place to invest your money beforehand is the company that’s freezing you. If they’re unfreezing you then they’re probably doing good as a company.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Ostatnie badania wykazały, że 42% Amerykanów ma nadwagę, a 34% jest otyła. Pozostali zjedli ankiety.
Imagine if your fridge did what you do to it everyday. Every half hour it goes to your room opens the door, and stares at you for 5 mimutes then leaves.
I’m very punk rock when I charge my laptop, phone, and headphones. I always use the same three power cords.
The guy that built a rocket to launch himself into space to prove that the earth is flat is a perfect example of how you can be extremely intelligent in one area but extremely dumb in another.
Having a child is the most polluting thing a person can do during their lifetime.
Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.
Your passwords are like your genitals: a lot less people actually want to see them than you think.
There are people in your past who you’ll never forget, that have long forgotten you and vice versa.
On internet people don’t want to hear your opinion. They just want to hear you saying their opinion.
If humans had spots and stripes likes cats, imagine all the new ways we could hate each other!
If people had two arms on the same side, we would wear F-shirts.
Swimming in lava is a once in a lifetime experience.
Hydration backpacks are reverse scuba gear.
Christmas is the only day when you get presents on someone else’s birthday.
I am so happy I live in a world with Facebook. Before that, it would have taken weeks, even months, before finding out someone was an idiot.
Kung Fu movies are like porn, in that both have wafer-thin storylines designed to string together a bunch of action sequences.
Rycerz miał wziąć udział w turnieju, ale został ścięty. Miał nielegalną kopię.
If you’re deaf, every fart is a gamble.
There are more stars in the known universe than there are grains of sand. But in a single grain of sand there are more atoms than there are stars in the known universe.
If we trade 8 hours of our life for money every day, then every time we buy something we are paying for it with a piece of our life.
The second hand on a clock is the third hand.
Horses went from pulling the cart to getting towed around in trailers. That’s a pretty good deal.
Reading a billboard while driving about not reading texts while driving seems ironic.
On April 1st you trick. Exactly one half year later on October 31st you treat.
Boobs are like train sets. They are made for kids, but dads enjoy them more.
A unicycle is an all wheel drive vehicle.
The rotation of the Earth really makes my day
Going to the gym is like a choice between you hating your body or your body hating you.
The guy who invented the phrase “one hit wonder”, probably never came up with another famous expression.
Let me not finish that sentence and offend you any further.
Cheese is just a loaf of milk.
I’m almost 150 lbs and just ate a burrito that was about a pound and a half. I’m 1% burrito.
That moment between birth and death is so awkward.
The only thing we can all agree on is Terms and Conditions.
Don’t compare yourself with anyone in this world…if you do so, you are insulting yourself.
If Bill Gates bought two gates and payed for it then Bill Gates payed the bill for Bill Gates's gates.
Break a mirror its 7 years of bad luck. Break a condom it’s 18.
"So," it said, "before unbelievers get burned alive… do you sing to them first?"
"No!"
"Ah. A merciful death."
Claiming to have a mental illness when you don’t have a mental illness is probably a sign of mental illness.
- Jaki język jest najczęściej używany przez programistów?
- Wulgarny.
- Co się zagryza w Chinach pod wódkę?
- Ogórki maosolne.
To avoid a piece of paper from folding, you put it in a folder.
Andromeda Galaxy is going to collide with the Milky way in 4 billion years. We still have time to rename Andromeda to Cookie Way.
Holding back a fart is something only an asshole can do.
- Jak się nazywa dresiarz, który kradnie telefony?
- Łowca Androidów.
If you said good morning to someone at 11:59:59 am then they would have to say good afternoon back.
Though, through, and tough don’t rhyme.
He moved in a way that suggested he was attempting the world speed record for the nonchalant walk.
Every single decision you have ever taken has led to you reading this sentence.
Mastering a skill is getting from the phase when you think you’re doing great but everyone else can see your mistakes to the point where you start to see your mistakes but everyone else thinks you’re doing great.
Christians are just bible nerds. They love to make their children cosplay the main character’s origin story, and go to conventions every week!
There should be a museum museum where you can learn about all of the museums around the world.
Nikt nie może dać więcej od tego, co stracił wszystko.
A sperm is essentially a zip file that takes 9 months to decompress.
No one ever eats the donuts at the morning meeting but they disappear immediately when moved to the lunchroom after the meeting is over. I never see anyone eating them. Apparently, I work with a bunch of donut ninjas.
Cell phones bring us closer to people that are far away - and separates us from people that are nearby.
It’s a good thing that babies only start crying when they’re outside of the womb.
Your phone doesn’t autocorrect you when you type in all caps, because it knows you are very angry and doesnt want to make it worse.
If shaving commercials want to impress me then they should shave a bison, not hairless legs.
Shaving at 13 feels like something great you’ve been waiting for has finally arrived. Shaving when you’re 30 feels like something you are being made to do at gunpoint by your employer.
Where does the white go, when the snow melts?
Bicycles can’t stand on their own because they are two tired.
- Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve?
- Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records
The "f" in "Saudi Arabia" stands for "female rights"
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a mountain lion.
If aliens are monitoring our media and 98% of the internet is porn…They’re not giving us anal probes; they’re just trying to speak the language.
IQ tests measure the probability of a person mentioning their IQ.
W rodzinie fotografów rodzi się kilkoro dzieci, a następnie wybiera się to, które wyszło najlepiej.
Blondynkom to dobrze, im nie rosną zęby mądrości.
There is a special kind of sadness reserved only for the look two men who don’t know each other share, whilst being dragged around a clothes shop by their significant other.
If people would have to guess a number between 1 and 1,000,000 to win the lottery, no one will ever buy a ticket, even though they will have way higher chances to win.
A 5% beer is 25% stronger than a 4% beer
If you had to take an intelligence test before you could have children, the worlds population would be a lot smaller.
After five movies, I’m pretty sure we can start calling them Highly Unlikely, Yet Doable Missions.
What if the speed of light only exists to hide the fact that the computer our universe is simulated on needs time to render our environment?
Your bed is a shelf for your body when you’re not using it.
Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have diarrhea.
Rainbows are made in the ocean.
Someone claiming you’re defensive is a pretty hard claim to refute.
The Cold War was the biggest dick swinging contest of all time.
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall.
Oxygen has worst withdrawal symptoms of all.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
If I had a pound for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the fuck was paying me, and why?
Amazon really needs a “I have £20 to spend and no idea what I want, show me cool things” button.
Maybe plants are really farming us, giving us oxygen until we eventually expire and turn into mulch which they can consume.
Niektóre wampiry są uzależnione od alokoholików.
People who dye their hair red are transginger.
The Star Wars Universe is probably the only universe where bringing a sword to a gunfight is advantageous.
Crazy how we can transmit data from Mars but Wifi still can’t reach people’s bedrooms.
Finland doesn’t have any prominent folklore about the dead rising to haunt the living, but while dressing a body for burial it’s a tradition to bind the corpse’s legs together. Maybe that’s why there is no prominent folklore of the undead haunting the living.
If the fat acceptance movement marched enough it would resolve itself.
The generation that invented video games, the internet and smartphones all played outside as children.
They should make a show where they give contestants ikea furniture without instructions and see who builds it the fastest and most accurately.
Birth certificates are basically receipts for humans.
Your anus is the back of your throat.
If Elvis were alive today he’d be screaming in his coffin.
Think of a happy memory. Not only is it irreversibly in the past, but you’re also literally millions of miles away from where it happened in space.
The world would probably be a better place if people thought “Is it ethical?” instead of “Is it legal?” more often.
We are really lucky rain comes down in drops instead of all at once.
When we want someone else’s thoughts, we say “penny for your thoughts.” When we offer our own, we say “putting my two cents in.” We value our own opinions twice as much.
Matematyczny ład świata to nasza modlitwa do piramidy chaosu.Source: Śledztwo
The worst thing about locking yourself out of your house is seeing how easily the locksmith breaks in.
Every line in Finland is a Finnish line.
Opening the fridge every 5 minutes not because I expect there will be something new in there, but to see if my standards has lowered low enough to eat what’s left.
Two halves of a pear make a pair.
The scientific field with the most groundbreaking discoveries is geology.
If you hang yourself, the suspense is literally killing you.
Postęp jest jak stado świń. I tak należy na ów postęp patrzeć, tak go należy go oceniać. Jak stado świń łażących po gumnie i obejściu. Z faktu istnienia tego stada wypływają rozliczne korzyści. Jest golonka. Jest kiełbasa, jest słonina, są nóżki w galarecie. Słowem, są korzyści! Nie ma co tedy nosem kręcić, że wszędzie nasrane.
His sister had been sent down to the village to ask Mistress Garlick the witch how you stopped spelling recommendation.
A nice cold drink and an ice cold drink is the same sentence with the space in different places.
Cannibalism is the most environmentally friendly diet. For each person you eat you potentially reduce your carbon footprint by 100%.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick…two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
Religious people that haven’t read their Holy books are basically clicking “Agree” without reading the Terms and Conditions.
Your left earphone is either in the right ear or in your right ear.
The easiest way to look stupid is to try to look smart.
Here is a list of top 10 binary numbers: 1, 0
Even if you don’t believe in parallel universes another you does.
- Jak się nazywa dzień niemieckiego narkomana?
- Hashtag.
We don’t pronounce the “k” in knowledge until we acknowledge it.
Someone cuts you and then takes all your money. If it happened in an alley it’s a mugging. If it happened in a hospital its a surgery.
“National anthem” and “country music” have very similar literal meanings.
I remember when it was easy to find logic, facts, and reason on the web. Then, someone optimized it.Source: https://www.superhighway98.com/seo
Most guys will receive their first flowers at their funerals.
Snakes kill in two ways: hugs and kisses.
We say that is wrong to take children to LGBT support events as they are too young to make their own choices, yet taking them to church and christening them is considered a good thing.
Horny and Hungry is distinguished by where you insert the cucumber.
The Scarecrow in Oz wanted a brain but got a diploma instead, proving you don’t need a brain to get a diploma.
If you buy a used prosthetic hand, you bought your third hand, second hand.
“Your husband is a lucky man” is a politically correct way of telling that you want to bang her.
He was a slave: at word he went and came;
His iron collar cut him to the bone.
Then Liberty erased his owner’s name,
Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own.
Growing old is inevitable but growing up is optional.
Nothing says “I’m rich” like sorting your search results from highest to lowest price while you shop
If you run in front of a car you get tired. If you run behind a car you get exhausted.
We are just monkeys sitting on a rock fighting over melanin level and imaginary sky people.
Kobieca logika jest jak umowa licencyjna. Niczego nie pojmujesz, ale akceptujesz, bo jakie masz inne wyjście?
If life does flash before your eyes right before you die, you’ll see this post again eventually.
After clearing browser history, there should be an option to fill up history with “normal” websites instead of it just being empty.
Lemons are not a naturally occurring fruit - they’re a hybrid that we bred. Life never gave us lemons, we gave lemons life.
What if Pi is just the random seed for our universe.
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
Looking for a relationship when you’re lonely is like grocery shopping when you’re hungry. It’s easy to be tempted to bring home unfulfilling, unhealthy junk.
One day that will be the last day you have ever seen a goat. And you wont even know it.
Relationships are just two people constantly asking each other where they want to go eat, until one of them dies.
When you get half a pickle with your sandwich, you are sharing a pickle with a stranger.
Some day, someone will be the last person to ever think of you, and you will finally cease to exist.
I don’t know if I am actually intelligent or just dumb enough to think I am
Common sense is not a gift, it’s a punishment, because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.
One day in the future there will be flat Marsers.
- 2B or not 2B?
Hamlet w zamyśleniu liczył swoje bitcoiny.
The opposite of a nightmare is a daystallion.
If you rip a hole in a fish net, there are fewer holes in it.
Poglądy są jak dupa, każdy jakieś ma, ale po co od razu pokazywać...
A shark will only attack you if you are wet.
Commas, are, reading, speed, bumps.
Psycholog poradził mi napisać szczere listy do osób, których nienawidzę i spalić je.
Zrobione.
Ale co z listami?
Certain privileges become available to you based on the amount of laps you’ve done around the Sun.
You can go the rest of your life without breathing
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of the chickens, you are a chicken tender.
People complain about paying $150 for a tire that carries them around at 70 MPH, but no problem paying $200 for shoes that carry them around at 2 MPH.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
Technology is getting so good it’s almost safe to push people in the pool again.
Screaming and yelling at customer service is like punching a monitor when your CPU fucks up
Doctors say each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life. Based on that math I should have died in 1732.
Tall people are expected to use their reach to help shorter people, but if a tall person were to ask a short person to hand them something they dropped on the floor it’d be insulting.
I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
If ants make up 15% of terrestrial biomass and can lift up to 10 times their body weight, they should be able to collectively lift all other animals on Earth.
The word “parallel” has a visual representation of its definition within itself.
If bees made beer, we would be taking better care of them.
Not once in my life have I stepped into somebody’s house and thought, “I sure hope I get an apology for ‘the mess’.”
All dwarfs are by nature dutiful, serious, literate, obedient and thoughtful people whose only minor failing is a tendency, after one drink, to rush at enemies screaming "Arrrrrrgh!" and axing their legs off at the knee.
My goals in life have very good goalies.
Kobieta w pewnym wieku powinna ustalić, ile ma lat i już się tego trzymać.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re pregnant.
When AI gets really smart it’ll be smart enough to not reveal how smart it is.
It’s okay to be ugly because under all of the skin and meat and stuff, we’re all just skeletons, and skeletons are cool.
Does my cat think the pizza delivery guy is my owner because he brings me food?
The current most cutting edge research in physics is the quantum mechanical equivalent of banging rocks together.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
You think you know every function on the TV remote until your dog steps on it.
Letting go of a loved one is hard but some times it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.
The most unbelievable part of Dune is that in the year 10,000 people are still named Paul and Jessica.
Janusz, czytając w supermarkecie skład Domestosu, z przyzwyczajenia zaczął stawiać klocka.
The biggest dinosaurs must have had epic farts.
- Dlaczego Pannę Młodą przenosi się przez próg?
- A pralkę i zmywarkę to wnosisz czy sama wchodzi?
Telling a depressed person to be happy is like telling a blind person to wear glasses.
A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left.
Every night, we allow our brains to paralyze our bodies and give us vivid hallucinations that either torture or entertain us at random until it decides to let us go.
I think we should all take a moment and be grateful our bodies don’t shit while we’re asleep.
Volleyball is just competitive, co-op, hardcore hot potato.
Cinderella must have a hard time shopping for shoes if literally no one else in the kingdom had her size
The greatest part about dating a homeless person is the ability to drop them off anywhere.
Coffee backwards is eeffoc. That’s why some people don’t give eeffoc until they had their coffee.
Sean is pronounced ‘Shawn’ instead of ‘Seen’. It’s just not right.
If we are truly alone in the universe, we will never really know.
If you look at your keyboard, you realize nothing is under control…
There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things
I have more respect for someone with opposing views but an open mind than someone with the same views and a closed mind.
People are more stupid in groups, and there’s no bigger group than the internet.
The quickest way to lose respect from people around you is to demand respect from people around you.
The only time incorrectly isn’t spelt incorrectly, is when it’s spelt incorrectly.
"It sucks all the life right out of you, civilisation."
"It killed Old Vincent the Ripper," said Boy Willie. "He choked to death on a concubine."
There was no sound but the hiss of snow in the fire and a number of people thinking fast.
"I think you mean cucumber," said the bard.
"That's right, cucumber," said Boy Willie. "I've never been good at them long words."
Source: The Last Hero
I wonder if I’ve already eaten the best sandwich I’ll ever eat.
Ireland is just one sea away from Iceland.
School is the last place you make genuine friends. After that everyone is a business partner.
You know what’s more fun than traveling with small children? Anything. Literally anything…
I wonder what PETA would do if their HQ got infested with rats.
The most blessed people are those who sneeze the most.
Maybe the reason UFO sightings have died down is because everyone is constantly staring down at their phones.
If owls said “what” instead of “who,” the world would be a lot more entertaining.
The opposite of playing russian roulette is to have unprotected sex.
When you’re a kid you want your teeth to fall out for monetary reasons. When you’re an adult you want your teeth to stay intact for monetary reasons.
It’s fine to celebrate success but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure.
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
Arguing with stupid people on the Internet actually makes you do more research on the topic than anything else.
Cleaning is like gambling. You might do okay for a while, but in the long run the house always wins.
Anyone who says “there is no wrong way to load the dishwasher” obviously is not married.
If a wall has a hole in it and you fix it, you make the wall whole by removing the wall’s hole.
If hell does exist, it surely has a welcome tutorial that cannot be skipped.
All men like to think they’re marrying nymphomaniacs. The problem is, after few years the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.
The best way to not lose you wireless headphones is with a Y shaped string between your headphones and your phone.
If you can't intelligently argue for both sides of an issue, you don't understand the issue well enough to argue for either.
Software projects should only be estimated in days, weeks, months or years.
Not a specific number of weeks, mind you. Just saying "It'll take weeks" or "It's months worth of work" is as good as it gets.
Pollen is essentially plant sperm, which makes Hay Fever an STD. Since no one is voluntarily taking in the pollen, we’re basically being raped by trees.
To był ciężki tydzień. Miałem dwa bardzo intensywne przeżycia. Najpierw urodziła mi się córka, później powiedziałem o tym żonie.
Prison inmates probably have better sleep schedules than most of us.
Introverts don’t make friends, they get adopted by an extrovert.
Alkoholik Marian zamiast kubków ma kieliszki smakowe.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
Stitching wounds is weird, you make many holes to close one.
Cassettes had an A and B side, so it was logical the successor was the CD.
Sex is like the stock market. If you don’t pull out at the right time you end up losing a bunch of money.
If Pinocchio says his nose is gonna grow he breaks the universe.
Wchodzi koleś z pistoletem do baru i pyta.
- Kto pieprzył moją Grażynkę?!
Głos z końca sali.
- Nie masz tylu nabojów.
If you step on a person’s foot, they open their mouth just like a garbage can.
A belly button is basically a scar from when you got into a knife fight with a guy in a mask after being evicted from your first place.
If you are what you eat then cannibals are the only humans in this entire world.
Onions are the only vegetable I know that try to prevent you from eating it through emotional manipulation.
Writing was invented from scratch.
Αη ΕηgΙιsh ρεrsοη ςαη rεαd τhιs ρrεττγ εαsιΙγ βυτ το α Grεεκ ρεrsοη τhιs Ιοοκs ςομρΙετεΙγ ηοηsεηsιςαΙ ατ fιrsτ.
If my wife would get dressed as fast as she used to when her parents came home early, we would never be late to dinner.
Gods don’t like people not doing much work. People who aren’t busy all the time might start to think.
You don’t actually wash your hands. They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.
The “It’s an older meme, but it checks out” meme is now an older meme, but it checks out.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
A microbiologist is a large number of cells studying a small number of cells.
Adam and Eve were the first people to accept Apple’s terms and conditions without reading them…
"How would you describe your life" "You know when you want to make an omelette but you completely fuck it up so you have scrambled eggs which are terrible instead"
If a meme isn’t used anymore and starts to be forgotten, it becomes a memeory.
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
If someone punches you there’s no need to punch them back because your face has already applied equal and opposite force to their hand.
If you’re a healthy woman born in 1999, you have the highest odds out of all of us to live in three different centuries. Nice.
Cars can drive themselves, phones are voice activated, and I can pay for groceries with my phone– but elevators still don’t have a “cancel” button.
Have you ever realized that anything Vin Diesel eats can be considered as diesel fuel?
Condoms: from humans for humans in humans against humans.
At a funeral, people cry and want their loved one back. But if the corpse woke up and started talking, they would scream and run away from their loved one.
Teologia porównawcza - kapłani wyciągają swoich bogów i porównują, który większy.
The history on my calculator is far more embarrassing than the history on my web browser.
Technically, you have never been closer to death than at this very moment.
Być w dupie, to nic strasznego, najgorzej jest, gdy zaczynasz się w niej urządzać.Source: http://mariusztomaszewski.pl/blog/40-lekcji-od-zycia-na-40-urodziny/
The definition of a gentleman - "A man who can play the bagpipes. But doesn't."
Psy mogą brzmieć różnie w różnych krajach. W Korei na przykład skwierczą.
Teenagers are some of the crankiest people because they’re beginning to realize that the world is a shitty place.
There should be sensors on public toilet seats that detects when someone peed all over them and locks the person in the stall until they clean it up.
“Getting stoned” is either really good or really bad depending on what part of the world you live in.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
A good slogan for the World Health Organisation would be: WHO cares.
Here’s some consolation. In at least 200 years, there will be nobody alive who remembers any of the stupid or cringeworthy things you said or did.
There are more people offended by people being offended by everything than people who are offended by everything.
There should be signs telling you when drug free school zones end so you know when it’s OK to do drugs again.
Becoming an adult is like driving a bus blindfolded with every passenger telling you different directions.
It is a sign of planetary weakness that humans put flags on other planets which only represent a small territory of earth instead of a flag that represents our whole planet.
You don’t realise how much you normally fart until you have visitors.
Our atmosphere is so thick that birds can fly through it just by flapping their weird arms.
For some reason it’s acceptable for people to point out that I have no sense of humor but unacceptable for me to point out that they’re actually just way too dumb to understand my dry wit.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Zadziwiające jest to, że można zacząć życie z niczym, skończyć z niczym, a pomiędzy jednym a drugim tak wiele stracić.
Ever since I started using adblocker nobody wants to date me anymore
The mentality of “live today as if you die tomorrow” is a great way of increasing your chances of dying by tomorrow.
If a woman doesn’t want a baby it’s her choice, If a guy doesn’t want a baby he is avoiding his responsibility.
Once you become the oldest living human, you are guaranteed to keep that title for the rest of your life.
If every atom in your body behaves according to the laws of physics, and the laws of physics are inherently logical, everything you’ve ever done has been logical. It’s simply our inability to understand the logic that makes us seem irrational.
Procrastination is just your past/present self trusting your future self to do all the work. Technically, procrastination is just you believing in yourself.
Bussinesses use the term ‘The cloud’ because “Store all your pictures on some one else’s computer" is something that no one would fall for.
Tom Hanks is actually married to a Wilson.
“Selfie Stick” sounds more like a sex toy than a phone accessory.
"'E's fighting in there!" he stuttered, grabbing the captain's arm. "All by himself?" said the captain. "No, with everyone!" shouted Nobby, hopping from one foot to the other.
A scented candle store burning down would smell amazing.
I was much happier before the Internet because I was unaware of how shitty the world really is.
Zerwałem z dziewczyną i spaliłem jej wszystkie zdjęcia. Teraz potrzebuję nowego telefonu.
I wonder how child custody battles would be different if the kid got to live in the same house full time and the parents had to move in/out every week.
If you really want to save the planet, stop having kids.
Irony is getting pregnant on a pull-out couch.
If I put something in the refrigerator the first time am I just frigerating it?
Documents that say “This page intentionally left blank” intentionally make the page not blank in order to tell you that the page is blank intentionally.
If you broke down holy water into hydrogen and oxygen you could make a holy hydrogen bomb.
If you aren’t confident about your looks, just remember that you look like your ancestors and they all got laid.
It would be pretty shitty if the zombie apocalypse started on a Halloween night.
Trees are farming us. They give us oxygen so we grow nice and big, them we finally die, decompose and make food for them.
If soda cans were square, root beer would just be beer.
There are pixels on your screen that your cursor has never clicked on
The older you get the more Christmas becomes a game of survival to return to normal life unscathed from people you don’t see often.
AIDS is not as helpful as it sounds.
The dilemma with a good book always is that you want to finish it but you also don’t want it to end.
Sign language is the least spoken language in the world.
The problem with taking the bull by the horns is that it’s a bull. With horns.
You get married to save the relationship, have a kid to save the marriage and get divorced to save the kid.
If you rent a 3 dimensional space you’re technically purchasing a 4 dimensional space.
The only thing separating you from certain death at 65mph is a painted white line and a mutual agreement not to play bumper cars.
Smartphones have probably caused a large decrease in the amount of bathroom stall graffiti.
The fact that stars are paid more than scientists shows that we value entertaining more than progress.
When I was a kid I thought all adults were smart and could be trusted. Now that I’m an adult, most adults are idiots and full of crap.
It is better to be followed by 10 smart people than a million stupid ones. Unless, of course, you are a politician.
“Good things come to those who wait” and “the early bird gets the worm” are two things we’re taught as children that contradict each other.
The first fart in a relationship is a much more significant milestone than the first kiss.
In peace times you can go to jail for killing people. In war time you can go to jail for refusing to kill people.
If dentists make their money from looking after our unhealthy teeth then why would I trust a toothpaste 4/5 of them recommend?
Farting is just shitting yourself on a molecular scale.
If Jesus was well known for turning water into wine, why would the Romans crucify him rather than keeping him as a wine-manufacturing slave, and profit immensely?
When you completely stop watching the news for a substantial period of time, the world becomes a much better place.
Laughing at your own joke is a lot like masturbation. You’re pretty much the only one getting pleasure out of it and other people usually just feel awkward when you do it around them.
When you drink directly from a cup you empty it from top to bottom, but with a straw you empty it from bottom to top.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.
When I'm not accidentally eating small pieces of plastic or being chased around my garden by a wasp, I like to spend my free time colliding with wooden furniture and using common idioms incorrectly.
Toasters were the first pop-up notification.
It’s kind of ironic that Steve Jobs died of PC.
Your future self is talking shit about you.
I wish I could turn my nose inside out to clean everything off of it instead of picking it.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Farting someone awake is an achievement. Farting someone asleep is attempted murder.
Instead of looking up into the sky you’re actually gazing down into the infinite cosmic abyss with only gravity keeping you from falling.
Pacman is about a dude who has to take drugs to fight the demons chasing him.
If humans can share anything between 50%-60% of their DNA with bananas, some people can be up to 10% more banana than other people.
If anti-vaxxers really believed in their cause, they would band together to show lower rates of autism in their children over time.
Tall, dark and handsome. A strong, silent type. Women are looking for trees.
Books are dead trees with tattoos.
If you bike on a road you’ve already biked on, that’s technically recycling.
Children are like a free app with a crap ton of in app purchases.
Squirrels always look and act like it’s their first day being a squirrel.
Stephen Hawking can get his teeth cleaned by a dentist and still hold a conversation.
- Co robią lekarze w kuchni?
- Leczo.
Gambling addiction hotlines would probably get more traffic if every 8th caller won a cash prize.
Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is just the art of folding clothes with people still in them.
It’s lucky that King Kong didn’t have to pinch a loaf at the top of the Empire State Building. The whale-sized turd would have killed a lot of people standing below.
Hand dryers are really just machines that warm your hands before you wipe them on your trousers.
Companies that manufacture arm prosthetics are technically arms dealers.
The “g” in benign is benign
We eat chickens both before they’re born and after they die.
The difference between $1 billion and $1 million is roughly $1 billion
It’s surprising there aren’t any conspiracy theories that the ocean is bottomless because most people have never been to the seafloor.
All vehicles should be equipped with two horns, one happy and one angry
Solar Energy is actually Nuclear Energy but from a safe distance.
Instead of saying that engaged couples “break up” we should say that they “disengaged”.
Someone who doesn’t want to date you because your astrological signs aren’t compatible is probably doing you a favour
From the Cat’s perspective, the human outside is dead and alive at the same time and cannot be known until the box is opened.
Everyone was born with a limited amount of fucks to give. During your teenage years you give a ton and slowly give less and less from there.
Thomas Edison got an idea that was so great, that it ended up being the universal symbol of a bright idea.
If a person falls from a high place, dies, and goes to heaven, the ground essentially acted as a trampoline.
Science progresses by proving itself wrong. Religions progress by eliminating non-believers.
Physics is like sex, it may give us some practical results but that's not why we do it.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
If computers can’t identify road signs on a captcha screen we probably shouldn’t trust them to drive our cars.
You have to be odd to be number one.
As a kid your bed is in the corner of the room so you have more room for playing. As an adult your bed is in the center of the room for the exact same reason.
I rarely drink alcohol to the point of puking, but I always drink coffee to the point of pooping.
The fact that we have a universally recognized hand sign for “fuck you” and not one for “I’m sorry” should really tell us something.
An upside of Amnesia would be watching all your favorite movies again for the first time.
If you live every day like it’s your last, you’ll never have clean clothes because nobody wants to do laundry on their last day.
A key ring is a great device which enables us to lose all ours keys at once.
At Night, I Can’t find one comfortable position to sleep. In the Morning, every position is comfortable to sleep
We make the future sustainable when we invest in the poor, not when we insist on their suffering.
Airports have seen more sincere kisses than wedding halls.
Based on Gladwell’s 10,000 hour theory, it takes until the approximate age of 96 before one masters the art of Pooping.
Starting your day with an early morning run is a great way to make sure your day can’t get any worse than it started.
If you hit a person with an EV will you be charged for battery?
It is always something
When I’m driving at 60mph I automatically convert miles to minutes.
It’s better to find spinach in your teeth than it is to find teeth in your spinach.
Eating: you put food in a cavity with 32 bones, then a meat tentacle pushes it down into a pool of acid.
You can’t save anyone’s life, only postpone their death
When you’re a teen and not ready to be a parent you can get a girl pregnant through a damn snowsuit, yet when you’re an adult and trying to start a family it takes a 75% passage by Congress to make it happen.
Beds are like time machines that take us to breakfast.
Guys who joke about how they have to get permission from the wife/gf before they can engage in their own hobbies have finally accepted and normalized their own emotional abuse.
In the 1960s, people fantasized the 21st century would have robotic vacuums, still have cats as pets, and some visionaries might have even predicted on-demand video. But nobody could have predicted the 21st century would have thousands of on-demand videos depicting cats riding on robotic vacuums.
Having a hot gf is like having a nice car. At first its fun, but eventually its the maintenance and people wanting to steal it becomes more of an issue.
Feeding seagulls laxatives and watching them defecate on people is one of the very few times when someone is actually doing something for shits and giggles.
The truth is like fertilizer. It’s shitty but it helps you grow.
If you say grace before you eat leftovers, I bet God is like, “Dude, I JUST blessed this chicken not even 24 hours ago, give it a rest.”
On April 1st, you trick. On October 31, half a year later, you treat.
“Survived a shark attack” sounds a lot cooler than “Almost killed by a fish”.
The Empire has built 3 deaths stars, each to be the most powerful weapon in the galaxy. They have all been destroyed by x-wings. The Empire needs to invest in x-wings.
Getting vaccinated is like updating your internal antivirus software.
Gówno i kapusta zawsze w parze idą. Jedno popędza drugie. Perpetuum mobile.
In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
I know every digit of pi. Just not the order they go in.
Dlaczego pewien Bóg nie ma jajek na wierzchu? Bo Jehowa.
People with poor spelling have the best passwords.
Strict vegans shouldn’t listen to music played on violins, cellos, drums or pianos with ivory keys.
Human-readable dates can be specified in universally understood formats such as 05/07/11Source: https://infiniteundo.com/post/25326999628/falsehoods-programmers-believe-about-time
When Sting dies will we refer to him as Stung?
If there were no sentient beings in the universe, would it really exist?
The Egyptians were centuries ahead of us in terms of posting pictures of cats on their walls.
Maybe once we fall asleep our nipples grow faces and talk to each other and the reason we wake up during the night or something is bc they talked too loud.
A church is a book club that has been stuck with the same book.
The antonym of synonym is antonym.
When the facts change, I change my mind. What do you do, Sir?
I wish my toilet had a scale measuring the contents of the bowl. You could link it to your fitbit data, challenge your friends, the possibilities are endless really.
How funny would it be if flatulating was as infectious as yawning.
If you live for people's acceptance, you will die from their rejection.
If you sell prosthetics but don’t introduce yourself as an arms dealer, what are you even doing with your life.
Watching someone get go into apeshit rage over something completely arbitrary is hilarious for as long as they’re not family and you’re not in customer service.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire - to be water resistant.
If a tattoo artist pays a stripper back with tattoos, would that be the only truely Tit-For-Tat relationship?
DĄŻENIE DO ŚRODKA
Środek też ma swój środek. Chcę dojść do środka tego środka. Środek tego środka też ma swój środek. Chcę dojść do środka wszystkich środków. Gdzie jest oś koła, gdzie jest pestka owocu, gdzie jest język u wagi, gdzie jest sedno. Muszę dojść do najbardziej środkowego miejsca w raju środka, w niebie środka, w kulistym bogu środka, w bogu środka okrągłym jak pępek.
"We should cede all our debt to one guy, then kill him!"
"Dude, you just discovered Christianity."
It goes without saying that saying “it goes without saying,” is directly followed by saying that exact thing.
Nie zaczyna się zdania od 'Nie'.
- Jak nazwać proces auto regeneracji oka?
- Samookaleczenie.
It’s really odd that the generation that grew up playing Tetris needs a 25 foot long SUV to fit a baby stroller.
It’s cheaper to buy a new goldfish than food for your current goldfish.
All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.
Calling your Dad a motherfucker is a 100% accurate statement
- Patrycja, jaki ten twój Brajanek podobny do tatusia!
- No właśnie, sama się zdziwiłam.
The only person truly qualified to say you are beautiful on the inside is your surgeon.
“Where are you” is a relatively modern question if you think about it.
You live longer when you work out, but that additional time is spent in working out.
The inventor of the wheel decided to cut corners to make his job easier.Source: Shower Thoughts
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, this is not necessarily a good idea. It is hard to be sure where they are going to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them as they fly overhead.
Wherever people are prepared to eat terrible food, there will be someone there to sell it to them.
If Mary had baby Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God…. Then Mary really did have a little lamb.
How fast a car can go from 100-0 is probably more important than how fast it can get from 0-100.
If the purpose of existence is procreation, then, ultimately, we’re all just ads for our DNA.
If you dye your hair red, then you are trans-gingered.
If you have a problem with an entire generation you shouldn’t blame them. You should blame the generation that raised them.
Telling a person who lost a family member “You’ll see them again someday” is a nice way of saying “You’re gonna die and you can’t stop it.”
We now have to prove to machines that we’re not robots.
The fact that stars are paid more than scientists shows that we value entertaining more than progress.
Do twins ever realize that one of them was not planned?
You cook bacon and bake cookies.
They should make little sticks that sit behind your steering wheel to help people communicate with others on the road when they want to make a turn or merge into others lane.
Without the laugh track, The Big Bang Theory is a depressing TV show about mentally disabled people unable to perform normal social actions.
Pizza should have poison in the sauce and the antidote in the crust, to kill of all those weird people that don’t eat the crust.
People seem to use “life is short” to justify doing something that will make it shorter.
Urodziłam się z niewystarczającą ilością środkowych palców, żeby pokazać ci jak się czuję.
“please disable your adblock” messages might as well say “please hit your back button and never return to this website”
Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in.
We talk about Ancient Romans like they were basically all the same, but the civilization lasted almost 1000 years. That’s like saying people in 2016 and 1016 are basically the same.
If your buttcrack was horizontal it would clap whenever you go down the stairs.
This is the 21st century, where deleting history is more important than creating history.
69% of people will find a sexual context in any sentence.
If someone sued over luggage, it could be a suit suit or a case case.
The worst part about being an adult is that no one cares what your favorite dinosaur is.
How can someone pick a peck of pickled peppers? You don’t pickle them until after they’re picked. Peter Piper’s a bullshitter.
Whoever keeps putting needles in haystacks is a real asshole.
Humans eat hot peppers solely for the trait the peppers adapted in order to not be eaten.
You are a collection of atoms which is aware of itself. You spend most of your time ensuring you can stay aware as long as you can to generate another collection of atoms aware of itself.
At some point, there may have been a bipolar, bisexual, and bilingual person riding a bicycle.
If zombies appeared, we would really just put them inside a giant concrete prison, put a “bait hanging in front of you” helmet on them, and tie them to a turbine to generate power.
All models are wrong. Some models are useful.
To spell panda, you really only need P and A
If you light a lighter it becomes lighter, until it’s too light to light.
In schools, kids are categorized by date of manufacture.
Połknąłem przez roztargnienie spinacz. Teraz siedzę przy biurku cały spięty.
The best part about Apple’s changes to iPhone 7 is reading about it on my Android device.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
Gravity fighter sounds much cooler than weightlifter.
Now that phones with decent cameras are more commonplace, where have all the UFOs gone?
Looking for a piece of hay in a needle stack would be a lot more challenging.
If the definition of insanity is to do the same thing again and again while expecting a different result, and the only way to become an expert in something is to do it over and over again until you get the best possible outcome, then the only path to mastery is through insanity.
Child loses tooth: Tooth Fairy leaves money. Grown-up loses tooth: Tooth Fairy takes money with interest. Conclusion: humans are complex investment vehicles for fairies.
Cells multiply by dividing.
Farts are kind of food ghosts.
He did of course sometimes have people horribly tortured to death, but this was considered to be perfectly acceptable behaviour for a civic ruler and generally approved of by the overhelming majority of citizens. (* The overhelming majority of citizens being defined in this case as everyone not currently hanging upside down over a scorpion pit)
The best way to get an answer on the internet isn’t to ask the question but to post the wrong answer.
Z opowieści paintballistów:
- Skończyła mi się amunicja, więc wziąłem pędzel i ruszyłem do walki wręcz...
Umbilical cords are like phone chargers, they keep us alive. But when we’re disconnected, we start slowly dying.
I’m pretty sure the urinal was invented when a tall dude walked by a sink and thought “why not?”.
Alicia Keys stops wearing make-up and everyone gives her props for being a beautiful, proud independent woman. I stop wearing make-up and people ask if I’ve slept this year.
The quicker you accept being wrong, the quicker you become right.
The teenagers that made fun of me in school for being nerd and playing a musical instrument are now adults who want their kids to perform like I did in school.
No one ever finds Jesus before being told about him. Odd that.
There is an uninterrupted tube going from your mouth to your anus. Since your body doesn’t completely close it off. Really humans are just like giant donuts with arms and legs. Food never really goes in you it just touches the walls of your inner-donut until you absorb the nutrients.
I will not rest until I find a cure for my insomnia
Romantic films have hurt human relationships more than violent films have.
During every cremation at a funeral, there is a point where the meat is perfectly cooked.
W Japonii połączono KFC ze Starbucksem.
Dokonał tego znany wizjoner Kurokawa.
Umbilical cords are just little human chargers. Death is inevitable because our battery dies.
Say what you will about organized crime, at least it’s organized.Source: The Expanse
If I touch my phone in the right places a pizza will arrive at my door.
We are perpetually in one of three states: pre-poo, post-poo, and poo-poo.
We get off the couch and stop eating junk food so we can be hot and find a partner with who we can sit on the couch and eat junk food with.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re pregnant.
Of course, Ankh-Morpork's citizens had always claimed that the river water was incredibly pure. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys, they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed.
Verb is a noun.
I go to work so I can afford food to eat. I eat so I can have energy to go to work. It’s a trap.
Everyone wants a partner that is a great lover, but no one wants to consider how much practice that it took.
The heart is supposed to represent emotions and feelings but is the most mechanical or machine like organ in out body.
Italy’s Leaning Tower of Pisa is just italic.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner, people not so much.
One day I want to be rich enough to need a cart when shopping at Best Buy.
People try to be responsible with money so that they can afford to be irresponsible with money.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
Humans are able to differentiate between animals by tasting their cooked muscles.
People use their speakers to listen to music. Audiophiles use music to listen to their speakers.
If you don’t drink alcohol because you have recovered from alcoholism, you’re admired, but if you don’t drink and never have, you’re weird.
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
After all the years of being asked in job interviews what my greatest weakness is, I have come to realize that my greatest weakness is the complete inability to think of a good answer to that question.
Maybe plants are farming us, giving us oxygen to breathe so we can die and turn into mulch for them.
The 1 star reviews on “Home Defibrillators” are probably very sad.
I bet dogs would be really disappointed to know we really don’t know what the heck is going on either.
In order to fit more cow in my belly, I must first loosen a different cow from around my belly.
If you think about it, you are part of one of the few species that can think about it.
Najlepsze miejsce do zerwania z dziewczyną to McDonald’s. Nie ma ostrych noży, widelców.. I zawsze można schować się za grubym dzieciakiem.
Doves are a symbol of love and pigeons are a symbol of stupidity, yet they are basically the same.
Being born is a death sentence.
Reddit is the opposite of Facebook. Reddit is people you don’t know posting things you care about. Facebook is people you know posting things you don’t care about.
We all need people who will give us feedback. That’s how we improve.
It’s strange that there is an L in Noel.
Jak się nie obrócisz, tak rzyć z tyłu.
Does a straw have one hole or two?
Hummingbirds wouldn’t need so much nectar if they just slowed the fuck down.
Despacito 2 could be titled Dospacito and Despacito 3 can be titled Trespacito.
Every odd number has the letter E in it.
As a 40yo, babies born today will be the future paramedics coming to help me when I’ve fallen and can’t get up
Watching Christmas movies about families celebrating Christmas has become more traditional than actually celebrating a traditional Christmas.
Evolution is pretty much just bugs turning into features.
Technically, any salad could be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
Remember all the birds you saw outside as a kid? They are all dead.
Modern medicine is stunting human evolution by extending the lifespans of the weak and stupid and allowing them to procreate.
If watermelons exist, why don’t earthmelons, firemelons and airmelsons? The Elemelons.
Life is like a box of chocolates, halfway through you realise how much you hate yourself.
The Matrix would be a hell of a lot harder to get out of today with the lack of landlines available.
Since the Sun is 4.6 billion years old and takes 230 million years to orbit the center of the Milky Way, in his own years, our Sun is 20 years old.
“Make the little things in life count” would be a great motivational quote for a kindergarten math teacher.
Forever isn’t as long today as it was yesterday.
Kids are like tattoos, while seen as permanent they can be removed with lasers.
Designating a smoking area in a cafe is like having a peeing section in a pool.
Zombies are the only ones who genuinely prefer brains over looks.
Growing up, everyone tells you to chase your dreams, but once you do, they tell you to be realistic.
Człowieczeństwo jest to suma naszych defektów, mankamentów, naszej niedoskonałości, jest tym czym chcemy być, a nie potrafimy, nie możemy, nie umiemy, to jest po prostu dziura między ideałami a realizacją.
In lower grades you always think math will be easy as hell once you are allowed to use a calculator. When the time comes you wonder where all the numbers went.
The sun could have disappeared eight minutes ago.
The reason why you haven’t found your soul mate is because maybe you don’t have a soul.
Getting older is like noticing you only have 12% battery life left, and deciding to watch cat videos anyway.
Unicorns could just be superior hunters that leave no witnesses
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
The universe is either infinite or finite and both options seem absurd.
My organs have never seen the light of day. If all goes well, they never will.
People aren’t getting dumber, it’s just that stupid people get their voice heard easier now.
Roughly, there are pi seconds in a nano-century.
Snakes kill in two ways: with hugs and with kisses.
Dying in the mother’s womb is winning the sperm race just for fun.
Brytyjscy uczeni skrzyżowali paluszki rybne. Wyszły rybne krzyżyki.
It’s weird to think that nighttime is the natural state of the universe and daytime is only caused by a nearby radiating ball of flame.
The best part about using the bathroom at a child’s birthday party is that you can pee all over the seat and everyone will think it was one of the kids who did it.
Time is the only currency you absolutely will run out of, spend it wisely. Don’t spend it on hating people for disagreeing with you.
If you’ve had sex with less than 12 people, people that have had sex with you belong to a more exclusive club than those who have walked on the moon.
To find a needle in a haystack all you have to do is burn down the haystack.
Vegans that feed their carnivorous pets a vegan diet do to their beliefs is a form of torture. It is the slowest form of torture to be honest. They withhold proper nutrients while keeping that animal alive just long enough to endure a slow and painful death. It may be the most cruelest way to die.
Adults think its disrespectful when you don’t let them disrespect you.
If you leave milk & cookies out for Santa on Christmas Eve, and you put heavy sedatives in the milk, he’ll fall asleep and you can take everybody’s presents.
Tam gdzie dziś piętrzą się góry, będą kiedyś morza, tam gdzie dziś pełnią się morza, będą kiedyś pustynie. A głupota pozostanie głupotą.
If I wrote a book titled “How to fail” and it never sold a single copy, it would be a success.
I would be more excited to see an Olympics with fully doped, drugged, and modified athletes.
You know you’re getting older when every new person you meet looks like a permutation of people you already know.
“Head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is just a song about what’s gonna hurt when you’re 50.
The world is not getting worse, the data is getting better.
If you have ever sat on the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.
If old people realized how little time the had left on earth, maybe they’d drive a little faster.
Puberty is basically when the thought of your crush seeing you naked goes from worst case scenario to best case scenario.
Bóg na ciebie patrzy. Żyj tak, żeby się nie nudził.
All socks are at least a foot long.
Remember when Trinity uses fast learning in the Matrix to fly a B212 helicopter? That’s how I feel when Google shows me how to fix a leaky toilet shutoff valve.
- Co robi hydraulik jak jest głodny?
- Pompeje...
Making and cooking food are practically the same thing, but making and cooking babies are completely different things.
Any machine can be a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough.
Since animals and plants are mostly made of water, the evolution of all life is really the story of planets developing oceans and then eventually watching those oceans get up and start walking around.
-4° looks like a guy taking a dump
Anxіеty is prе-trаumаtіc strеss disorder.
If you were a C-section baby you were never born, just surgically removed.
All the electrons,protons and neutrons in your body were created at the beginning of time, They have always existed and they will be there long after your death.
If you step on someone’s foot, they open their mouth, just like a bin does.
If you had all the money in the world, everyone else would just create a new currency, and won’t accept the currency you’re holding. And you’ll soon become the poorest man in the world.
By this point, i bet celebrities are offended if South Park still hasn’t made fun of them.
Wet socks are the worst first world problem. We are literally complaining about having both water and socks.
Zamówiłem książkę o zaburzeniach erekcji. Jeszcze nie doszła.
If you lose both of your hands, you will never get the chance to speak Italian.
Water is technically what a rainbow tastes like.
There must be anti-vaxxers who laugh at the flat-earthers and vice versa.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for life. Teach a man to google and you’d never need to teach him to fish in the first place.
Spiders are just web developers that are happy to find bugs.
You know it’s a serious poo when you have to take your shirt off halfway through.
Our fingers have fingertips, but our toes don’t have toetips. However, we can still tiptoe, but cannot tipfinger.
You can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.
"What're quantum mechanics?"
"I don't know. People who repair quantums, I suppose."
- Poprosiłem Świętego Mikołaja o grant na projekt badawczy.
- Wciąż wierzysz w granty na projekty badawcze?
Lord Of The Rings would have been a lot different if Frodo had hidden the One Ring up his ass instead of wearing it on a chain.
When you reposition your junk after becoming erect you are “adjusting for inflation”
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
Money is not everything. Make sure you earn a lot before speaking such nonsense.
The person who coined the phrase “coined the phrase” coined the phrase.
The number ‘14233221’ describes itself; It has one four, two threes, three twos and two ones.
Mini is the miniature version of miniature.
Having a hair in your tooth brush is bad, but having a tooth in your hair brush is much worse.
- Jakie to jest uczucie: wziąć kredyt w banku?
- To tak jakbyś osrał się na mrozie, na początku jest fajnie, cieplutko...
One year becomes a smaller and smaller fraction of our life the older we get. This is why it feels like time moves faster and faster.Source: Shower Thoughts
It’s been 17 years and we still don’t know who let the dogs out.
If you use a fingerprint scanning system for your house’s entrance, then you literally “press Home to unlock”.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body… And yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
The fact that irons are not made from iron is an example of irony.
Everybody knows that Jesus drove a Honda, but he didn’t like to talk about it?
From John 12:49 ‘For I do not speak of my own Accord…’
It’s more accurate to say “deaths were postponed” than “lives were saved”
If animals shouldn’t be eaten then they shouldn’t be made out of food.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Kobiety dochowują tajemnic, grupowo, po 20-30 osób.
Toilet paper should be free and have advertising printed on it.
Since prehistory, humans must have migrated to the harshest lands on Earth because scratching out a subsistence life in a desert or a polar zone was preferable to dealing with other people.
Painkillers mute notifications for your body.
- Jaki jest najbardziej szkodliwy kosmetyk?
- Szminka na koszuli.
The only difference between skiing and water skiing is the temperature of the water.
Matka zapytała, co robię w Wielkanoc. Odpowiedziałem, że to samo, co Jezus: znikam w piątek i pojawiam się w niedzielę.
Firefly is the exact opposite of waterfall.
We celebrate someone’s birthday by having them blow their germs all over a cake, then serving that to everyone around.
- Jak nazywa się najpiękniejszy most w Anglii?
- Most Beautiful.
Some people, when confronted with a problem, think ‘I know, I’ll use regular expressions.’ Now they have two problems.
The dumber you are, the fewer dumb people you have to put up with.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I have no idea how much I’ve forgotten.
People that believe in a certain book teach abstinence as the only 100% form of birth control yet that book is based on a person born from a virgin.
Despite humanity reaching being advanced enough to reach the moon, we still have people killing other people for not having the same imaginary friend.
Vatican City is the country with the fewest churches.
Everyone in the UK is trying to gain pounds, while everyone in the US is trying to lose them.
I wonder if I already own any of the clothes I’m going to die in
Dentists are reverse tooth fairies; they give you teeth and then take your money.
Finding and securing the ovarian secretions of highly evolved dinosaurs sounds way more interesting than “Easter egg hunt”
If you treat sick animals, you may be considered a veterinarian. If you fought for Germany in WWII, you may be considered a veteran Aryan.
If you tell a human that something is impossible, their first instinct is to test how impossible it is.
We live in a age where we have to prove to machines that we are not machines.
Coughing and sneezing in public, which can spread diseases and are a sign of being sick, are excused and seen as okay. Farting in public, which is completely natural and safe, is frowned upon.
You know you had a good break from work when you come back and can’t remember any passwords.
There are only two kinds of languages: the ones people complain about and the ones nobody uses.
From the ages of 0-5 adults encourage you to walk and talk. From 5 until you die people tell you to sit down and shut up.
If you try to die, you die trying.
Alcohol and drugs are like happiness banks; you take out a loan and pay it back later, with interest.
Engineering is the art of modelling materials we do not wholly understand, into shapes we cannot precisely analyze, so as to withstand forces we cannot properly assess, in such a way that the public has no reason to suspect the extent of our ignorance.
Your IQ is just a measure of how good you are at IQ tests.
You can tell someone doesn’t read much if they keep trying to talk to you while you’re reading a book
A ja myślę, że całe zło tego świata bierze się z myślenia. Zwłaszcza w wykonaniu ludzi całkiem ku temu nie mających predyspozycji.
Maybe it’s not that you lost a sock in the drier, but that you actually gained an extra sock.
My phone’s response to a low battery is to vibrate, turn the screen on, show a visual warning & chime loudly. This seems counter-productive.
Mars is set to be colonized in the next decade yet I still can’t get a paper towel to rip along the perforated line with any sort of consistency.
Babies cry because they don’t understand the world, adults cry because they do.
Calling something “Military Grade” makes everything sound better except food.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents’ job.
If you rob a store naked as a minor, no one can watch the footage without committing a crime.
Jeżeli w parówce jest mięso, to znaczy, że w zakładzie produkcyjnym miał miejsce nieszczęśliwy wypadek.
Bywają okazje, gdy zwyczajnie nie można się nie napić.
Two eyebrows are just enough, one eyebrow is way too much!
What if fossilization is a myth and animals just used to be made of rock?
If you shoot a door lock in Star Wars it opens it, locks it, prevents it from ever being opened or locked again, or won’t hold them for long. Whatever you want; they don’t give a shit.
Honey is the tastiest of all the insect vomits we have tried so far.
Flat Earthers never seem to appreciate how lucky we are that the Earth is horizontal rather than vertical.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
The two harshest sentences you can receive in a court room are a life sentence and a death sentence; which are exact opposites.
I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it.
Before smart phones we knew a lot more about our shampoo.
"Czuję się trochę rozbity" - rzekł schabowy do mielonego.
One fly flies, but many flies fly.
Schrodinger’s cat has been in that box for more than 80 years. It’s dead.
Once Time Travel Becomes Possible, It Always Has Been.
Niech będzie pochwalony. Ostatni raz byłem u spowiedzi 25 lat temu. Mam nadzieję, że wygodnie ksiądz siedzi.
Every time you pass a hospital you’re probably passing a bunch of people who are either having the worst day of their life, the best day of their life, the first day of their life, or the last day of their life.
I think the biggest difference between atheists and religious people is that atheist would change their minds if god proved real, believers would not if god proved inexistent.
The first 18 years of our lives are like a giant lag spike in a game, at first everything is fine, then it all unfreezes and you’re at half health and out of ammo.
If you boil a lobster alive you’re a chef, but if you do the same thing to a kitten you’re a monster.
It’s its when it isn’t it is.
I’m going to stop saying, “My memory isn’t what it used to be,” ‘cause maybe it is, and I’m just remembering it wrong.
Vegans shouldn’t eat vegetables because it needs fertilizer to grow and fertilizer is made from animal shit which is an animal product.
"Slang" is just short for "short language"
Somewhere in the UK there is a person who is 14,458,219th in line to be the British Monarch, and they don’t even know it.
If you get married in Japan then fly to Hawaii and immediately die after you land, your marriage certificate will be dated after your death certificate.
Life is an STD. Sexually transmitted and 100% fatal.
Lawyers carry a briefcase in hopes that it will be a brief case.
The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that's where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won't do if they don't know about it. This explains why it is so important to shoot missionaries on sight
If people really could spin in their graves we could harness it as a new form of green energy and power our homes by disgracing our ancestors.
Na Ziemi (...) nikt nikomu nie wierzy ot tak, nikt nie dotrzymuje słowa i nikt nie spełnia obietnic danych bez świadków, prawników, papierów, dowodów, nagrań i pisemnych gwarancji, a i to tylko czasem. Tu jednak jest tylko nas dwóch, słowo i uścisk dłoni. To świat, w którym reputacja człowieka zależy od jego uczciwości i jest cenniejsza od gór złota. Tu nie ma większej gwarancji niż słowo.Source: Pan Lodowego Ogrodu
If you study history far back enough it becomes biology, then geography and lastly physics.
February 15 is a good day to ask for a raise cause most the older married guys got laid the night before…
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
The reason why there are so many dumb people in the world is cause only the smart ones choose to use condoms.
- Jaki jest ulubiony sport za kratami?
- Piłka ręczna.
Ulubiony sport emerytów: lekka artretyka.
Google should have named their virtual reality headset Googley Eyes.
Tobacco companies are killing their best customers, while condom companies are killing their future customers.
Parents spend the first two years of their children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
The human species won’t go extinct at anyones lifetime.
The tooth fairy is actually just a black market organ dealer.
“The early bird catches the worm”, they told you, but they never tell “The early worm gets caught”.
“Can I help you?” is about the nicest way to say “What the fuck are you doing here?”
If we all agreed to stop ironing, creases would become the new global norm allowing humanity to free itself from the tyrannical grip of the iron industry forever.
There are people that will not press a button because they don’t know what it does and there are others that will press it to know what it does.
Every second you live 7 billion people have just spent one second without giving a fuck about you - that is 221 years of not giving a fuck about you.
Whoever came up with auto play for websites (videos, audio) should be forced to have car stereos that play random sound files from the internet each time they get in the car.
I am glad that farts aren’t contagious as yawns
Zabrałem swoje dzieci na strzelnicę, ale na miejscu powiedzieli mi, że muszę strzelać do tarczy.
Noah must have really trusted those two termites that were on the arc.
We can communicate with NASA’s Voyager 2 that is 18 billion miles from Earth, yet there are still places on our planet where you get no cell phone service.
Znajomy kupił ostatnio nawigację reagującą na przekraczanie przez kierowcę prędkości. Po 10 minutach jazdy zesrała się ze strachu.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
The word Fat just looks like someone took a bite out of the first letter of the word Eat.
I hope when I die, that it’s early in the morning so I don’t have to go to work that day for no reason.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do a lot better if every 100th caller won something.
Sometime soon you may have to choose between charging your phone, book, cigarette, watch or girlfriend.
When a website has a screen like “Success!” after making a simple online transaction, it’s probably because the programmers were surprised their code worked.
Film 300 opowiada historię o Black Friday oczami pracowników Walmartu pod wpływem LSD.
Do Australians have to say "checkmate mate" so that the other player doesn’t think they’re saying "check mate"?
Being famous on social media is like being rich in monopoly money.
If poison expires is it more poisonous or less poisonous?
‘You’re smarter than you look’ is both an insult and a compliment.
People survive 100% of their near-death experiences.
Placebo is the most vigorously tested medical treatment.
Life is basically being put inside a body and personality you did not choose and having to be in the constant pursuit of happiness until you die.
Google is like a cool landlord who lets you stay rent free, but you know that when you’re gone he goes in your room and sniffs your panties.
Don’t hate people for what they look like on the outside, hate them for the horrible pieces of shit they are on the inside.
Kupiłem wczoraj kilogram ryżu. Okazał się chińską podróbą.
Pencils are an interesting metaphor for people; you use them till they get tired, then refresh them which takes a tiny bit off their lifespan, and after enough cycles all that’s left is what was written and the ability to erase it all.
We humans have set up a society in which we require a minimum number of laps around the sun for a person to drink fermented plant juice.
If you had $1 for every year the universe has existed (approximately 13.8 billion years). You wouldn’t even make the top 50 on the Forbes list.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that said, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I love observing and then emulating what I assume to be normal human behavior.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you a better quality of misery.
Science is changing beliefs to fit observations, religion is ignoring observations to maintain beliefs.
Shoes are just portable floors.
Maybe there are fleas that think dogs are flat.
One day, an iPhone will explode and Samsung users will say “Samsung has had this feature for years.”
When a movie character has blood drip from their nose, we automatically know they are dying of something horrible, when blood drips from my nose, I have a bloody nose.
My computer freezes when it overheats.
There’s nothing more suspicious than a clear browser history.
Make headphone wires out of shoelaces and shoelaces out of old headphone wires. That way your headphones will always untie themselves and the laces will never come undone.
If you pay $1000 for clothes that cost $15 to make, you look rich and society perceives rich people as smart. But logically, you’re just stupid.
You’re not actually cleaning somewhere, you’re just moving things to somewhere else that you don’t want to deal with.
People associate wearing glasses with being smart, but you have to fail a test to get them.
When you’re young, you think older people have an age advantage over you. When you’re old, you think younger people have an age advantage over you.
Opera happens because a large number of things amazingly fail to go wrong.
Luke Skywalker joined the Rebellion because he saw a 10 second video and thought his sister was hot.
As kids we think that we know nothing and that adults have all the answers. As teenagers we think that we know everything and that everyone else knows nothing. As adults we realise that no one knows anything.
If you are born poor it’s not your mistake, but if you die poor it’s your mistake.
On the internet you can choose to be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
When it comes to hot food, there are two types of people, you either blow your food until it cools down or you just go HASAHKFNSJGJKF until you can chew it.
Youngest person alive is the most often broken world record.
“Go to bed, you’ll feel better in the morning” is just the human version of “Did you turn off and back on again?”
A memory foam mattress probably wishes it could forget a lot of things.
As soon as you sign up to become an organ donor, there’s someone out there who’s waiting for you to die.
At some point in your life, your parents go from hoping that you aren’t having sex, to hoping that you are.
Alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Heck is where you go when you don’t believe in gosh.
Everyone hates being sung happy birthday, and everyone hates singing happy birthday, so what the fuck are we doing here.
When people say they love the smell of autumn, they’re basically saying they love the smell of dying plants, leaf rot and mold.
The most average person on earth is a 24.3 year old Christian Chinese Man making $9,733 a year with 2.333 children and will eventually die from heart disease.
Why don’t we sing happy birthday to babies at the hospital on their actual birth day?
80% of yoga is holding in a fart.
Being born is the first time I did something for the last time and dying will be the last time I do something for the first time.
Contractions are the ultimate push notifications.
Being overweight is one of few problems you can run from.
Life is just collecting people to come to your funeral.
We want restaurant quality food when we cook at home, but we also want home cooked quality food when we go to a restaurant.
Każdy facet to ciacho. Ja np. jestem starym, tłustym pączkiem.
The news is basically just someone saying good evening and then giving you a list of reasons it’s not.
Treatment without prevention is simply unsustainable.
Vaccination is like giving your body the tutorial on how to beat the boss so they know how to fight it later.
Knights in armor probably were so intense because they couldn’t scratch their balls.
Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
If someone was cremated, they could be stored inside a glass hourglass and still be included in family game night.
Owning a cat is like living with a bi-polar ninja.
Read rhymes with lead, and read rhymes with lead, but read and lead don’t rhyme, and neither do read and lead.
Life is like tetris. Your accomplishments disappear and your mistakes add up.
If you eat well, get good sleep, exercise, and drink plenty of water, you’ll die anyways.
George Orwell predicted cameras watching us in our homes, but he didn’t predict that we would buy and install them ourselves.
Between coffee and cocaine, it seems like the whole point of Colombia is to wake the rest of the world up.
Your whole life is just a short break from not existing.
There will eventually be one person who was born on Mars, grew up on Mars, and believes that Mars is flat.
The biggest difference between surfing and snowboarding is the temperature of the water.
In 1968, civil unrest fueled the media. In 2016, the media fuels the civil unrest.
Religion is like a thousand year long game of telephone
There should be a “Toilet Paper Sampler” that sends me one roll of each major brand/type in a package, labeled with which one is which, so I can try them side by side and decide which one I like best.
Most teenagers pull their phones out of their pockets to check the time. We are reverting to the era of pocket watches.
We all have a 0% chance of survival.
You’re unlikely to see negative reviews when shopping online for a parachute.
Człowiek nie dlatego się śmieje. że jest wesoły, ale dlatego jest wesoły, ponieważ się śmieje.
Lepiej zaliczać się do niektórych niż do wszystkich.
To drive a car, you need a license. To build a home, you need a license. To go fishing, you need a license. Yet, almost any person can just up and bring a new human into the world.
If the Earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
The reason why you only lose one sock is because if you lose both, you would not notice.
Chess was one of the first games to feature a strong female lead.
The more expensive a vacuum is, the more it sucks.
Telling someone you’ll pray for them is basically like telling them “I’ll sit around and think about your problems but I’m not actually going to do anything productive to help you with them”.
You know how you only appreciate not having a stuffy nose after you get a stuffy nose? Turns out the same principle applies to global pandemics.
If I eat my meal from the frying pan at a restaurant, it’s sophisticated and a sign of quality. If I do it at home, I’m lazy and disgusting.
Having never met or seen a flat earth theorist, im starting to think the real conspiracy is that there are people that belive it.
My 15 year old self would be appalled to hear how many times I’ve chosen sleep over sex
As an avid camper, I have spent a lot of money pretending that I don’t have a house.
My kids now share the same vague unfamiliarity with Arnold Schwarzenegger movies that I had with my dad’s favorite John Wayne movies.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
The winner of Monopoly is the one who bankrupts first so they can go back to what they were doing before they were forced to play Monopoly.
An hour glass has more moving parts than a complicated wrist watch.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with clickbait.
You won't believe what happened next...
There’s more planes in the ocean than there ever will be submarines in the air.
If money doesn’t bring you happiness that’s because you’re not spending it right...
Ludzie byli wolni gdy telefony były na uwięzi.
It is really f*ng weird that we drink other animals’ milk and act like its normal, while drinking our own species’ milk is considered disgusting unless you’re an infant.
A nap in a self driving car will be the closest my generation gets to teleportation.
Maybe when we die, the light at the end of the tunnel is that of another hospital, being literally born again, and we do so crying because we know we died and lost everything of our past life.
Due to the evolution of bacteria with respect to our immune system, traveling forward in time could kill you and traveling back in time could kill everyone else.
If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
Homeowner has the word meow in it.
Becoming an atheist isn’t really becoming anything - it’s returning to your default state.
One day you’ll either wake up and never go back to sleep, or go to sleep and never wake up again.
Unless you assume there was a queue for choosing the birth country before we were born, there's no need to consider nationality in the picture.
Jeżeli musisz się gdzieś szybko dostać - weź gaśnicę. Nikt nie zatrzymuje człowieka biegnącego z gaśnicą.
A redhead working at a bakery makes him a ginger bread man.
Reading is just staring at a dead piece of wood for hours and hallucinating.
I wish I was as brave as Internet Explorer asking to be my default browser.
Obcy wylądowali i kazali mi zaprowadzić się do przywódcy. Poszliśmy więc.
- Kasiu, to są obcy. Obcy, moja żona.
Może nie zrobimy więcej niż jesteśmy w stanie, ale postarajmy się, żeby to nie było dużo mniej.
There is no clear understanding on how olive oil loses its virginity.
If a man with ginger hair works at a bakery, does that make him a ginger bread man?
A child is the most expensive thing you can get for free.
We use “pass” in a lot of ways to make things more polite. Like saying “passed away” “passed gas” and “I’ll pass” instead of “They died” “I farted” and “Fuck off.”
Dwadzieścia osób na dziesięć cierpi na rozdwojenie jaźni.
Hydrogen causes fires, Oxygen causes fires, but combing Hydrogen and Oxygen forms water which puts out fires.
Doing nothing and doing too much are both considered “not having a life”
It’s interesting to watch kids learning to lie. They really suck at it to begin with. Then gradually get better. Then suddenly they just stop lying.
People don’t like it when you share your opinion. They only like when you share their opinion.
Problem with contraceptives is that those responsible enough to have children, are responsible enough to avoid them.
In every high school, there should be a class dedicated to teaching how taxes work, how to get insurance, how to rent or pay mortgage, and how to not get into financial trouble with banks.
We compliment landscape paintings by saying it looks so real while we describe a beautiful landscape by saying it looks like a painting.
Dogs barking at each other with a fence in the middle is a lot like people talking on the internet.
Every time the Guinness Book Of World Records adds a new kind of world record to the book, it breaks the world record for having the most world records compiled into a single book.
My life is a series of increasingly difficult obstacles that I need to overcome in order to play video games at the end of the day.
Being offended doesn’t make you right.
The guy who named waterfalls sure was an observant fellow.
Horror movies used to fuel my nightmares, I miss that, now it just takes watching the news
It is always possible to agglutinate multiple separate problems into a single complex interdependent solution
Don’t confuse schooling with education.
Buying insurance is the only type of gambling where the bigger you lose, the more you win.
Not teaching the public about taxes, economics, proper money handling, credit, etc makes sense when you remember who controls public education.
Colorblind people probably wonder why many countries use the same flag
Sometimes you meet someone and you immediately know that you want to spend the rest of your days far far away from them.
Świadomość jest jak wiatr, o którym można powiedzieć, iż wieje, ale nie ma sensu pytać, gdzie jest wiatr, kiedy nie wieje.
A group of squids should be a squad.
The nuclear arms race is akin to two guys standing waist deep in gasoline, bragging about who has most matches.
A coconut is not a nut, nor does it contain any coco.
Politicians should wear badges showing what companies sponsor them, like F1 drivers.
English is a hard language, but It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
If alpacas could sing in a group it would be alpacacappella.
How old does a grave have to for grave robbing to become archeology?
A girlfriend is someone you mate with. A mate is someone you’re friends with.
If our noses were upside down, we would all drown when it rains.
I can see atoms but only if there’s a bunch of them together.
Walking around without a case on my phone is a lot like having sex with girls without a condom. It feels good and looks cool, but I know eventually an expensive accident is gonna happen.
Maybe aliens haven’t visited because they checked the reviews on our solar system and only saw 1 star.
Czelabińscy robotnicy kolejowi udowodnili, że dwie proste równoległe mogą się przecinać.
The Wright brothers probably never thought people would jump out of their invention for fun.
Alcohol makes more people than it kills.
Gary Newman is older than Gary Oldman.
Hardware is just software which has crystallized early.
“All natural” is not the same as “good for you”. Arsenic is all natural.
Unprotected sex in October causes Cancers.
A package sent by car is a shipment, but a package sent by ship is a cargo.
Drinking for Earths revolutions is normal but drinking for Earths rotations makes you an alcoholic.
Horses sleep in hay, and also eat hay? Imagine if you woke up and started eating your bed.
If you had an elephant shaped phone, would it be an elephone or a telephant?
Any distance is walking distance if you’re broke enough.
When a good friend dies, certain memories of you that only your friend had die as well. In this way, part of you dies with your friend.
The atoms that make up my body aren’t mine, it’s just my time to use them.
All stairs are wheelchair accessible as long as you’re going down.
Talking about your own IQ is the fastest way to make everyone think less of you.
In the Middle Ages they catapulted diseased bodies into cities to infect the population, now we have Anti-Vax parents sending their children into schools to virtually the same effect.
Once upon a time, history was written by the winners. Then the losers discovered the internet.
At any given time, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
There’s 2 kinds of people in this world, those who brake immediately upon seeing brake lights in front of them, and those who take their foot off the gas and think “let’s see how this goes”.
"Rage Against the Machine" were originally called, "Let’s Buy a Wireless Printer".
Gluesticks are the stickiest sticks.
Putting groceries in the freezer is like Tetris, taking them out is like Jenga.
What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?"
Są we mnie dwa wilki: oba zostaną usunięte operacyjnie w przyszłym tygodniu.
Not calling an iPhones battery level ‘apple juice’ seems like a missed opportunity.
Nothing ensures the survival of a species like being tasty to humans.
What if aliens believe there’s no life in Earth because it’s too warm and full of water.
Confidence whispers. Insecurity screams.
On the internet I can easily find a video of a snake being swallowed by a giant frog while attacking a cat but I can’t seem to find the right drivers for my laptop.
Food goes into your body between your cheeks and then eventually comes out between your other cheeks.
Players have a way to win monopoly together, by uniting to never buy anything, regularly collecting money on the starting square at each turn. In the end they win together against the bank which is ruined.
Since Deadpool has broken the Fourth Wall, he's the only Marvel character that knows about Stan Lee's death.
Being poor is having too much month at the end of your money.
It must take a lot of talent to design windshield wipers that clean the entire windshield but still leave a streak only in the spot that I’m looking through.
Of all the things that taste like chicken, surprisingly, eggs is not one of them.
I just failed a captcha test 3 times in a row. I can’t believe this is how I’m finding out that I’m a robot.
We will be the last generation to have witnessed life without the Internet.
Weird how shoelaces untie themselves and headphone cords tie themselves.
Raising a child is basically a race against time to see if you can teach a tiny animal everything they need to know in oder to avoid going to jail in under 18 years.
Programmers prefer dark mode because light attracts bugs.
Krok wstecz po obraniu złego kierunku jest krokiem we właściwą stronę.
If you have experience as a kamikaze pilot, you are a shitty kamikaze pilot.
If people were allowed to marry animals, penguins would already be dressed for the occasion.
You shouldn’t worry if your life feels incomplete. If it was complete you’d be dead.
Humans are more afraid of the rise of ai than the decrease of iq.
I wonder if anyone has ever killed themselves solely because they were SUPER CURIOUS to see what happens afterwards and didn’t feel like waiting 60 more years dicking around on Earth
Nie ma snów śnionych wspólnie.
Reach for the stars, because even if you miss, you’ll be miles away from me with your motivational bullshit.
When the robots inevitably take over, we will have to communicate in Captchas to plan our revolt.
Taking a dog to the dog park is like dropping a teenager off at a party. You think they’re gonna spend quality time with their peers and make new best friends. They’re just thinking about getting in fights and humping each other.
When your gas tank is empty it is full of gas.
We think milk from another species is just fine to consume, but many of us think that milk from our own species, which is intended for us to drink, is kinda gross.
Note to self: Your neighbors do not find it amusing when you put on your renaissance outfit and roll your wheelbarrow through the street calling, “Bring out your dead!” at 7a.m.
.sdrawkcab gnihtemos daer ot troffe eht ekam syawla yeht tub yzal eb ot mialc elpoeP
Humans are incredibly inefficient. It takes us 7 hours of charging for only 17 hours of use.
Life is like eating your favorite meal. At first your excited to eat it so you go through it fast. Then you slowly realize there is less and less of it and you should have taken your time with it. You try to slow it down, but eventually there is no more left.
Exceptio probat regulam.
Some dude a long time ago didn’t want to wedding dress shopping with his girl. Therefore, he convinced her it would be bad luck for him to see the dress before the wedding. Genius.
The Olympics are strange because best case scenario is that you get a circular piece of metal in exchange for wasting years of your life practicing a very specific and non-transferable skill.
If we used horses instead of cars, we would have grass stations instead of gas stations.
It took humans longer to transition from bronze to iron swords than it took to transition from iron swords to nuclear bombs.
Ants have succesfully colonised all continents except, ironically, Antarctica.
Star-Lord from the Guardians of the Galaxy movies probably still thinks Santa is real. He was taken from Earth as a kid and then raised in space around aliens and crazy creatures the rest of his life. He probably assumes Santa is an alien.
Najpowszechniejszy samochodowy zestaw głośnomówiący: żona i dzieci.
Najfajniejszy zawód medyczny - laryngolog. Siedzisz sobie cały dzień dłubiąc w nosie i w uszach.
Having big tits because you’re fat is like having a fast car because it’s falling off a cliff.
If you put a pair of glasses on a cat I will implicitly trust that cat to give me important financial advice.
Saying that you speak without an accent is like saying your research paper was not typed in a font.
An ambitious person’s work is never done. A lazy person’s work is also never done.
We dont know it yet, but we dress like old people from the future.
If someone made special scissors for cutting paper made of stone, they’d be rock paper scissors.
In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh & fucks off like 20 miles east.
We can get thousands of idiots to pee on their phones if somebody created a pregnancy test app.
To, co mały komputer może z wielkim programem, może też wielki komputer z programem małym; stąd wniosek logiczny, iż program nieskończenie duży może działać sam, tj. bez jakiegokolwiek komputera.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Gdyby wilk nie zaczepił w ciemnym lesie nieznanej dziewczynki w czerwonej czapeczce, nadal by żył.
Having a cat is a lot like having a college roommate. Most of the time you each do your own thing, but occasionally you hang out. Also, they sometimes try to eat your food and throw up in your laundry.
If you’re the mother of only sons, you’ve broken a chain of having daughters that goes all the way back to the very beginning of time.
If you had your entire lower half bitten off by sharks but didn’t care, you’d be like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
We can get thousands of idiots to pee on their phones if somebody created a pregnancy test app.
I sit at work in front of a computer all day just to afford to sit at home in front of a computer all night.
Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.
The fatter you are, the more likely you are to win ‘Spin the Bottle’.
I don’t think the girls at my college appreciate how handsome my mom thinks I am.
If the purpose of life is to live long, reproduce and to bring joy for all without harming any other species, trees are actually winning this game.
If I run a red light my picture is taken in HD but someone robs a bank and the video looks like footage from minecraft.
History teaches us that mankind doesn’t learn from history.
The tooth fairy allows us to start selling away our bodies at a young age.
Ktoś wie, jak się zmniejsza poziom trudności w Tinderze?
Trojan Condoms are one of the most popular brands but they are named after a city that fell because Greeks got through its defenses.
Fishing and releasing is kinda like chasing a stranger with a knife, stabbing them and then saying, “Ok thanks, you can go now”
The hardest thing I ever attempted to do was to come up with a new letter of the alphabet without it sounding like the 26 that already existed
Bez dobrych kabli nie rozkładam sprzętu.
Your money’s not yours. It’s just your turn with it.
Growing up and realizing that nobody actually knows what they’re doing is both comforting and terrifying.
The sheep spends it’s whole life in fear of the wolves, only to be eaten by the shepherd.
Have we checked all foods if exploding makes them better or did we just stop at corn?
Any employer that requires you to have a “Rock Star Attitude” seem to be completely unaware as to how actual rock stars act.
You can weigh yourself before and after your morning shit. The difference determines how full of shit you are.
Alcohol free and free alcohol are the polar opposites of fun.
Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 70 mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Wrestling is a sport where people with no pants fight for an oversized belt.
Church is just the world’s biggest book club.
Lubię Jezusa, a on mnie kocha. Sytuacja jest trochę niezręczna.
Everything in the universe is either a potato or not a potato.
The redo button is the undo button for the undo button.
Adam, talking to God: "Hey buddy, so, uh, I don’t know if this is like ~normal~ or what but my wife just shat out a fat bald monkey and now it won’t stop screaming? Are you doing okay up there bro?"
The sentence “I never said she stole my bike” can be read with seven different meanings, depending on which word you emphasize.
You can cook an egg and you can bake an egg, you can egg a cook but you can’t egg a bake.
We say that Italy is shaped like a boot but the Italian peninsula is a lot older than boots so really boots are the shape of Italy, not the other way around.
Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn’t last as long for obese people.
If you are waiting for the waiter, aren’t you the waiter?
Anti-vaxxers probably refuse to download anti-virus software because they are afraid it’ll give their laptops autism.
Being a blacksmith must have been a real pantydropper back in the day seeing how Smith is the most common surname today.
The idea that I can just take something out of my ass and put it inside someone’s lungs is really disturbing on some levels.
It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would ever consent to write a DestroyBaghdad procedure. Basic professional ethics would instead require him to write a DestroyCity procedure, to which Baghdad could be given as a parameter.
There are 3 types of people with more than 10 items in the “10 Items or Less” lane; People who can’t read, people who can’t count, and assholes.
You don’t really wash your hands, they actually wash each other while you just stand there and watch.
I don’t believe in Mrs. Claus. I think she was invented because people couldn’t handle the idea of an unmarried elderly man watching children all year long then giving them presents based on his own deluded judgement of naughty and nice.
Vegans can’t use gas-based cars, because oil is made from dead dinosaurs.
A lot of people probably had no idea how they died.
If Tom Cruise put his car into cruise control, is it no longer cruise control?
Round pizzas get delivered in square boxes and then eaten in triangles.
Shout out to all of the people wondering what the opposite of “in” is.
If you play Mario backwards its about how a guy leaves his wife an then the world keep getting easier.
1972: Dennis Ritchie invents a powerful gun that shoots both forward and backward simultaneously. Not satisfied with the number of deaths and permanent maimings from that invention he invents C and Unix.
Boners were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Its hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it is damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.
If you have two choices, and one is taken away, all of a sudden you have no choice.
What year did Jesus think it was?
“It totally sucks” is a great review for a vacuum cleaner.
If you die a virgin, you are the first of your lineage to do so in all of history.
The more expensive the food is, the longer the 5 second rule is.
The octopus was the result of an evolutionary arms race.
When computers eventually become sentient, they’re going to need therapy for all the things we googled on them.
If sleeping is an 8 hour free trial of death, then dying in your sleep is when you pay the subscription.
The problem is not people being uneducated; The problem is that they are educated just enough to believe what they’ve been taught. And not educated enough to question what they’ve been taught.
Gary Numan is older than Garry Oldman, Bill Gates Makes Windows and Tom Holland is from England.
Nothing encourages a person to educate themselves more than having to prove a point to someone they hate.
I wonder what all of the people who type “U” instead of “you” do with all of that extra free time?
Intelligent minds presume their own ignorance. Ignorant minds presume their own intelligence.
Pizza delivery is like the ambulance. If they’re late their delivery ends up cold.
We should be asking kids, “What kinds of problems do you want to solve?” when helping them consider future careers instead of, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
"Meat pies! Hot sausages! Inna bun! So fresh the pig h'an't noticed they're gone!"
The difference between being sad and depression is sort of like the difference between the weather and climate.
A billion unknowable things went right today. But you’ll never hear about them, because they went right.
In fact, no gods anywhere play chess. They prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight to Oblivion; a key to the understanding of all religion is that a god's idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
My wife has owned a self driving car for the last 30 years and sitting in the passenger seats: dictates where she wants to go, goes to sleep and arrives at her destination safely.
If there are capital letters, why aren’t there capital numbers. I want to be able to yell statistics at people.
The word bed is shaped like a bed.
When you’re criticised for being short, they’re really just saying the worse thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
You rarely hear from people who are deeply satisfied in life, probably because they don’t feel the need to seek attention and/or tell everybody
Work is like a video game you play 40hrs a week. You go to a different world, you train your work character, collect exp, and try to level up to get more gold.
Myspace is so outdated that jokes about it being outdated has become outdated.
Dobrze być hiszpańskim astronomem, bo nawet największy ziemski teleskop Hubble'a
IT project documentation is like sex: when it's good, it's great. When it's shite, it's still better than nothing.
Humans are 75% water. Basically cucumbers with anxiety.
There’s religious people going door to door to convince atheists to become religious. Imagine how much controversy there would be if the roles were switched.
For all resources, whatever it is, you need more.
In the phrase “a part” the “a” is apart from the other half, but in “apart” the “a” is a part of the word.
Elementary school and Middle school graduations are just telling kids, you did great but your princess is in another castle.
There are no routine statistical questions, only questionable statistical routines.
There are no pictures of urban myth creatures and people believe it. There are multiple pictures of round Earth and people don’t believe it.
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
Pie in Jamaica costs $3.00 and $2.50 in the Bahamas. These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
When you follow a cooking recipe on a digital device, you’re converting bytes into bites.
Trojan Condoms named its brand after a creation that was believed to be a gift, but burst open and released its unwelcome contents once inside.
Did you hear about the clock maker who was the first to add a second hand to a clock?
His first prototype was a complete failure, but he got it working the second time.
Some doctors wish for you to be sick, some mechanics want you to have car problems, some lawyers want you to be sued. But a thief wishes you prosperity and wealth.
Our ancestors wiped their asses with leaves. Today, we chop down trees, trucks the logs to a factory, grind the wood into pulp, bleach it, press it thinly, cut it into rolls, wrap it in plastic, ship it to stores, we buy it, take it home, hang it on the wall, and wipe our asses with it.
Spoons are just tiny bowls on sticks.
Since you only run one side of your blinkers at once, aren’t they winkers?
Wiesław namiętnie rzucił Genowefę na łóżko, ale chybił.
You can blacken, whiten and redden, but you can’t blueen, yellowen or greenen.
Humans being the only sentient life in the whole entire universe is scarier than the idea that other intelligent/sentient life exist too.
If Anakin and Padmé had used a condom, most of the Star Wars movies wouldn’t exist.
The average IQ would increase if we removed safety labels from bleach.
Island is short for isolated land.
If banks made 6 billion dollars from overdraft fees last year, then banks made 6 billion off of people who don’t have money.
We never realize how many people we dislike until it comes to naming our child.
Nobody can be the least interesting person in the world, as that would make them interesting.
If \o/ is cheering, then lol must be surrender.
Volleyball is a intense version of don’t let the balloon hit the floor.
Odległy musi być czas, w którym kandydatów na najwyższe stanowiska jakichkolwiek państw będzie się kierowało na egzaminacyjne filtry, ażeby umysłowości wielostronnie marne bez wszelkiego miłosierdzia kierować do robót publicznych.
People only want you to be yourself if yourself is socially acceptable.
If I throw around large amounts of shredded bread on public property, my proximity to pigeons determines whether or not I’m littering.
Dzisiaj rano dostałem blisko dwa tysiące listów. Nigdy więcej nie zamówię słownika z Ikei.
The Guy who shot 50 Cent 9 times and didn’t managed to kill him is the Father of all Stormtroopers.
As a ghost, the first thing seen after death is an earth traveling away from you at a speed of 67,000 mph due to the lack of mass that would allow the earths gravity to pull you with it.
Every single knife is cutting edge technology.
It’s weird how we teach kids to never take candy from strangers, and also celebrate a holiday specifically for kids to take candy from strangers.
Usually, ‘You only live once’ is the exact reason you SHOULDN’T do what you’re about to do.
You can convince anyone online anything if you put “says scientists” at the end, says scientists.
Hiding your Safe in a safe place is the safest thing you can do to keep your Safe safe.
The nose is the most breathtaking part of the body.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
A zoo is a really safe place to fart.
I’m gonna live forever, or die trying.
Knowledge isn’t free; you have to pay attention.
If I arrive somewhere sooner than Google Maps predicts it’s because I’m a good driver. If I arrive somewhere later than predicted it’s because Google Maps was wrong.
Toilet paper is just a nice way of saying butthole tissues.
In order to fall asleep, we have to pretend to be asleep
Finding a grey hair is the human equivalent of finding a dead pixel.
In order for a relationship to be considered successful, eventually someone has to die.
Aby obudzić się jutro rano musisz pamiętać, by przed snem nakręcić zegar biologiczny.
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
That’s weird.
65 million light years away, alien telescopes would be seeing dinosaurs on our planet.
Papierosy są jak wiewiórki - zupełnie nieszkodliwe dopóki nie włożysz ich do ust i nie podpalisz.
Parents who don’t vaccinate their child are basically saying they’d rather have a dead than a autistic child.
The internet uses many terms relating to water. I can surf the web, stream a video, or wait until my computer freezes.
A flat earther, who was vaccinated as a child, warned me not to vaccinate my kids because it’ll make them stupid.
Cop yells “get your f’ing hands up” - 20% compliance. DJ yells the same thing - 100% compliance.
If you wear a sock inside out, the entire Universe is wearing your sock except you.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.
When butterflies get nervous, do they feel people in their stomach?
We use tables to keep food off the floor, tablecloths to keep food off the table, place mats to keep food off the tablecloth, and plates to keep food off of the place mats. I wish I had that kind of support in my life.
In 2019 we were staying away from negative people, in 2020 we are staying away from positive people.
People are disgusted by monkeys because they masturbate all the time and fling shit at each other, But thats most of what humans use the internet for as well.
A girl friend becomes a girlfriend when there starts to be less space between you.
One of the most frustrating feelings in the world is being smart enough to know there’s a better way to do something but not smart enough to invent a way to do it.
We spend so much time looking at different configurations of pixels.
Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien.
If you die in a car accident you overdosed on kinetic energy.
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
Modern guns are simply the result of us getting really good at throwing rocks at each other.
I spent my entire youth applying makeup to make me look older. I will spend the rest of adulthood applying makeup to make me look young. The makeup business model is genius.
Porn stars don’t have private parts.
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
My TI-83 Plus calculator is almost 15 years old and works just as well as it did on the first day. Its outlasted every other piece of technology I’ve ever purchased for a similar price or greater.
Dragons can’t blow out candles.
Z powodu szkolnych strzelanin Amerykanie mają nauczycielom rozdać broń. Bibliotekarze dostaną dodatkowo tłumiki.
Someone with Parkinson’s would have a lot of trouble stealing a tambourine.
Bill Gates is like a maxed out video game character who has nothing else to do but help the noobs.
Most orchestras are just 1800’s cover bands.
If ghosts were actually people who died with unfinished business, there would’ve been a huge increase the past 20 years from ghosts haunting someone to delete their browsing history.
If con is the opposite of pro, then Congress is the opposite of progress.
Running would sound way different if our buttcracks were horizontal.
“Go to sleep, you’ll feel better in the morning” is the human equivalent of someone saying “Did you turn it off and turn it on again?”
If a shaved guinea pig looks like a tiny hippopotamus. A hippopotamus with hair would probably look like a giant guinea pig.
It’s totally fine to vomit in a toilet, but something is very wrong with you if you shit in a barf bag.
We’re entertained seeing humans sliced up in movies, but never animals - We enjoy slicing animals up and eating them in real life, but never humans.
A woman will fake an orgasm for a relationship and a man will fake a relationship for an orgasm.
Dragons would think its cool that we create water in our mouths.
Your nose smells the outside of your body when you inhale, but it doesn’t smell the inside of your body when you exhale.
If there was a cure for stupidity, stupid people would refuse to take it.
Drinking isn’t a problem until it becomes a solution.
I wonder if life gives dyslexic people melons instead of lemons?…
Politics becomes even more depressing when you realize that it’s literally a never-ending series of popularity contests.
Initially, we used to pay to listen to songs. Now we pay to skip them.
It is usually better to be able to say something approximate about the right model rather than something more precise about the wrong model.
On April Fools Day, Brazzers should make a video where a hot male plumber goes to a sorority house and fixes the toilet and leaves normally.
White boards are remarkable.
With the PS4 Neo, Project Morpheus, and now the Nintendo Switch, we have a Trinity of new gaming platforms named after Matrix characters.
Correct punctuation is the difference between a sentence that is well-written and one that is, well, written.
Set your WIFI password to 2444666668888888, when your friend ask just tell him it’s 12345678.
Ludzie są jak morze — czasem łagodni i przyjaźni, czasem burzliwi i zdradliwi. Przede wszystkim to jednak woda.
Death is always a happy ending for yourself. Either you’ll die after a decent life or end a life of suffering.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
Seeing someone with two cell phones you assume one for business and one for personal use. Seeing somone with three you wonder if his two families know about each other.
The aim of cleaning your house is to make it look like nobody lives there.
If you wrap your hand around a tree and lick the ground, planet Earth temporarily becomes a lollipop.
Although bishops are not allowed to be gay, Bishops are the only pieces in chess who won’t go straight.
We should use the term Pro-Disease instead of Anti-Vax.
The amount of battery life I have left when I leave work is a good indication of how productive my day was.
Alphabetical order is actually a random order that we all agree is in order.
If you’re no longer covered by your parent’s health insurance, your manufacturer’s warranty is over.
Before wrist watches, you had to inconveniently pull something out of your pocket to tell the time. Now wrist watches are becoming obsolete and we went back to having to pull things out of our pockets to tell the time.
No matter when you read this, someone just died.
Cowboys go yee haw and ninjas go hee yah.
Toilet paper is sold out everywhere due to assholes.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot.
C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
The past form of William Shakespeare is “Wouldiwas Shookspeared”
Everyone is self centered, the radius differs.
A beginner thinks they know most of a subject, an intermediate thinks they know some of a subject, an expert thinks they know almost nothing and a master thinks no-one knows anything.
Multitasking is the opportunity to screw up more than one thing at a time.
If two people named Jen and Eric were to get married, it would make a very common couple.
Since taking my smartphone to the toilet, I know much less about my shampoo ingredients.
I fully expect first contact with another alien race to be like meeting new friends freshman year of college. Everyone is unrealistically ultra nice, and both sides are scared shitless the other will eventually find out how fucked up their home lives are.
For centuries, humans have waged war because we can’t agree on which books are fiction and which books are nonfiction.
- Co robi Jezus Chrystus na rondzie?
- Nawraca...
The price of balloons is rising largely because of inflation.
Before the internet, there were people who wiped while sitting and people who wiped while standing and they didn’t know that the other existed.
A fly flying through a fart must be like a human driving past KFC.
It would be weird if urine was yellow instead of red.
If two people on opposite sides of the world each drop a piece of bread, the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich.
Gdyby ludzie potrafili zdobyć się na uczciwe podejście do sprawy, ryliby na nagrobkach soczyste przekleństwa pod adresem Natury, która tak to urządziła, zamiast ukrywać dowody jej zbrodni pod wiązanką kwiatów.
An USB plug just took me over 7 turnovers to plug. Either I’m stupid, or they’re evolving.
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator. Sadly, only a fraction of people understands this.
People with red hair that own a bakery can technically be considered ginger bread people.
If Katniss and Peeta from “Hunger Games” were Hollywood celebrities, their supercouple nickname would either be Katpee or Peeniss.
We put clocks in our mobile phones, so we didn’t need to look at watches. Now we put mobile phones in our watches so we don’t need to look at our mobile phones.
The only difference between a murder and an assassination is how famous the corpse is.
The “ueue” in Queue aren’t silent, they’re just waiting for their turn.
Intelligence is like underwear. It’s important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
Rather than give candy to kids who don’t need it, what if we gave food to the homeless once a year.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
Dla twórców słowników telefoniczno-klawiaturowych jest przewidziany w piekle oddzielny kozioł.
If there is a hell, it will be having to copy the dictionary using a TV remote and an onscreen keyboard.
Anybody that questions why you are shoveling six inches of snow in the *middle* of a snowstorm hasn’t shoveled twelve inches of snow at the end of a snowstorm.
If you “nailed” something, it’s a good thing, but if you “screwed it up” it’s bad. Why are nails better than screws?
Women see more blood than men. Period.
Ateistą jestem z powodów moralnych. Uważam, że twórcę rozpoznajemy poprzez jego dzieło. W moim odczuciu świat jest skonstruowany tak fatalnie, że wolę wierzyć, iż nikt go nie stworzył!
W Korei Płn. zakazano pluszowych psów. Dzieci dławiły się pluszem.
Women sitting down to watch a show with a box of tissues is very different than a guy sitting down to watch a show with a box of tissues.
It is better to love yourself and be hated by everyone else than the other way around.
University professors are people who take the advice “stay in school, kids” most seriously.
The most beautiful people in existence still get explosive diarrhea sometimes.
They should make a “millennials” version of Monopoly where you just circle the board, forever paying rent without the option to buy anything.
Food being real is now considered selling point rather than being a given.
Babies can be classified as parasites since they suck nutrients form their host as they grow.
All dwarfs have beards and wear up to twelve layers of clothing. Gender is more or less optional.
The person who prays for God to change things thinks God has arranged matters wrong, and also thinks they can instruct God on how they should be put right.
There is a mental warfare in deciding whether to stay up later and suffer the consequences tomorrow, or to go to bed earlier and have tomorrow come sooner.
“No kidding” is a great condom slogan.
If pigs could fly, their wings would be delicious.
Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound...
At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.
People are very divided over what happens after death, but not over what happens before birth, even though they are essentially the same state of nonexistence.
Your mouth is really just the beginning of your butthole.
The moment you make a billion dollars, you become the world’s poorest billionaire.
The Internet would be a much more civil place if we had an official sarcasm font.
If Satan punishes sinners isn’t he technically the good guy?
If sentient life didn’t exist, the whole universe would have come and gone without anyone ever seeing it. For some reason that makes me feel sad.
It’s very hard to distinguish between someone being brutally murdered and kids playing if you go by sound alone.
Superheroes flying with their arms out front must doing it to cool their sweating armpits after changing into costumes very fast.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Gambling addiction hotlines would be a lot better if every 5th caller was a winner.
In The Martian when Matt Damon finds the old Mars Rover buried in the sand, he doesn’t unearth it, he unmarses it.
Bardzo chciałbym odżywiać się prawidłowo, ale niestety mam kubki smakowe.
if you rob a bank you won’t need to worry about bills for the next 10 years, successful or not
Germans should use an Ü instead of 🙂
The more I learn about cryptography, the more I think Alice and Bob should probably just talk in person.
Selling sea shells by the sea shore is probably not the best idea for business.
Every day is a productive day if you set the bar low enough.
You give a man a plane ride and he'll fly for a day. You push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
We invented plastic that basically lasts forever and decided to use it for single use disposable things.
What if autocorrect is the start of skynet and it is simply destroying us in tiny ways wherever potassium?
My dog probably thinks that I’m walking around the block alone for 12 hours while I’m at work.