On April 1st you trick. Exactly one half year later on October 31st you treat.
If you aren’t confident about your looks, just remember that you look like your ancestors and they all got laid.
Volleyball is a intense version of don’t let the balloon hit the floor.
Food goes into your body between your cheeks and then eventually comes out between your other cheeks.
We can get thousands of idiots to pee on their phones if somebody created a pregnancy test app.
A sperm is essentially a zip file that takes 9 months to decompress.
Selling sea shells by the sea shore is probably not the best idea for business.
If a zombie apocalypse happens in Vegas, does it stay in Vegas?
Google should have named their virtual reality headset Googley Eyes.
The person who coined the phrase “coined the phrase” coined the phrase.
OK looks like a sideways stick person.
Coughing and sneezing in public, which can spread diseases and are a sign of being sick, are excused and seen as okay. Farting in public, which is completely natural and safe, is frowned upon.
Evolution produces organisms that don’t believe in evolution.
Spoons are just tiny bowls on sticks.
Elementary school and Middle school graduations are just telling kids, you did great but your princess is in another castle.
We talk about Ancient Romans like they were basically all the same, but the civilization lasted almost 1000 years. That’s like saying people in 2016 and 1016 are basically the same.
If Bill Gates bought two gates and payed for it then Bill Gates payed the bill for Bill Gates's gates.
Many people want the government to protect the consumer. A much more urgent problem is to protect the consumer from the government.
Maybe plants are farming us, giving us oxygen to breathe so we can die and turn into mulch for them.
Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
Ludzie byli wolni gdy telefony były na uwięzi.
Toxic family is way way way worse than toxic friends, colleagues and strangers.
The best way to not lose you wireless headphones is with a Y shaped string between your headphones and your phone.
There’s some real irony in spelling phonetically with a ‘ph’ and not an 'f’.
Everyone's trying to be clever, but no one's trying to be interesting.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re pregnant.
If con is the opposite of pro, then Congress is the opposite of progress.
The only thing we can all agree on is Terms and Conditions.
Even if you don’t believe in parallel universes another you does.
At this moment there’s a giant perpetually exploding orb in the sky that will blind you if you look at it and the only thing that protects everything from being destroyed by its scorching rays is a magic forcefield generated by a swirling volcano in the planet’s core.
Z publikacjami w internecie jest jak z dziećmi, te, które się nie udają - usuwamy.
Jobs that hurt people pay a lot more than jobs that help people.
We are perpetually in one of three states: pre-poo, post-poo, and poo-poo.
If poison expires is it more poisonous or less poisonous?
Dragons would think its cool that we create water in our mouths.
Anti-vaxxers probably refuse to download anti-virus software because they are afraid it’ll give their laptops autism.
If you ever miss 4:20, just wait until 4:22 because 4:22 is 4:20 too.
Weird how shoelaces untie themselves and headphone cords tie themselves.
Matematyczny ład świata to nasza modlitwa do piramidy chaosu.Source: Śledztwo
Vatican City is the country with the fewest churches.
A group of squids should be a squad.
Everything smells a little like nose.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be
When you take a cigarette out of a pack, the pack becomes a cigarette lighter!
The antonym of synonym is antonym.
Must have been nice before cell phones. You could push someone in the water and not have to pay them hundreds of dollars.
Claiming to have a mental illness when you don’t have a mental illness is probably a sign of mental illness.
If I run a red light my picture is taken in HD but someone robs a bank and the video looks like footage from minecraft.
Time is the only currency you absolutely will run out of, spend it wisely. Don’t spend it on hating people for disagreeing with you.
Reddit is the opposite of Facebook. Reddit is people you don’t know posting things you care about. Facebook is people you know posting things you don’t care about.
Where does the white go, when the snow melts?
Let’s give the top 100 richest people in the world cancer and see how long it takes to be cured.
Fingers and toes aren’t that different, but getting fingered and getting towed are very different.
They should make a “millennials” version of Monopoly where you just circle the board, forever paying rent without the option to buy anything.
If you run in front of a car you get tired. If you run behind a car you get exhausted.
All vehicles should be equipped with two horns, one happy and one angry
Boobs are like the sun, you can stare at them longer with sunglasses on.
- Jak nazwać proces auto regeneracji oka?
- Samookaleczenie.
For Valentine's Day, I got my wife a horse-drawn carriage.
Turns out that horses are rubbish at drawing...
If you get married in Japan then fly to Hawaii and immediately die after you land, your marriage certificate will be dated after your death certificate.
Its hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it is damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.
Choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.
Rozmawia ojciec z synem kilka dni przed ślubem.
- Jaki chciałbyś prezent ślubny dostać?
- Żaden, nie musisz mi nic dawać.
- Nie no co ty, muszę tobie coś kupić. No to co chcesz?
- Dwa jajka.
- A po co Ci dwa jajka?
- Na komunię mi ch*ja dałeś, to będzie akurat do kompletu.
If you buy a lottery ticket, and the draw has not been made yet, are you Schrödinger’s millionaire?
– Wypadek przy pracy. Jakoś tak głupio wyszło. Frajer cuhaltu nie mógł rozblindować. Pomyślałem, że pomogę otworzyć. Co się będzie bidula sam męczył? Zasadziłem ze skoka w drzwi. Dostał zamkiem w łeb, kopyrtnął i wyciął makówą w stojak na kapoty. Zatrzepał kapciami jak Cygan na dyndawce, zipnął tak jakoś smutno i po chłopie. Zakitował w krótkich abcugach. Tragiedia.
If sentient life didn’t exist, the whole universe would have come and gone without anyone ever seeing it. For some reason that makes me feel sad.
A werewolf who doesn’t know that they’re a werewolf would be an unawarewolf.
It is really f*ng weird that we drink other animals’ milk and act like its normal, while drinking our own species’ milk is considered disgusting unless you’re an infant.
Birds can fly but flies can’t bird.
As soon as you sign up to become an organ donor, there’s someone out there who’s waiting for you to die.
Airports have seen more sincere kisses than wedding halls.
A stopped clock is right twice a day. But a clock running backwards at the normal speed is right four times a day.
Spotkałem dzisiaj mikrobiologa. Był dużo większy, niż to sobie wyobrażałem.
If you tell a human that something is impossible, their first instinct is to test how impossible it is.
In a 100 years, having I am not a robot test on your website is going to be considered discriminating.
No one ever eats the donuts at the morning meeting but they disappear immediately when moved to the lunchroom after the meeting is over. I never see anyone eating them. Apparently, I work with a bunch of donut ninjas.
There are 3 types of people with more than 10 items in the “10 Items or Less” lane; People who can’t read, people who can’t count, and assholes.
Toilet paper is sold out everywhere due to assholes.
If an adult has an imaginary friend, it’s psychosis. If a million adults have an imaginary friend, it’s tax-exempt.
Religious people that haven’t read their Holy books are basically clicking “Agree” without reading the Terms and Conditions.
Coffee backwards is eeffoc. That’s why some people don’t give eeffoc until they had their coffee.
Thanks to dating apps, a lot of flirting is now probably done while pooping.
Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.
A belly button is basically a scar from when you got into a knife fight with a guy in a mask after being evicted from your first place.
What year did Jesus think it was?
Most teenagers pull their phones out of their pockets to check the time. We are reverting to the era of pocket watches.
If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
It is more complicated than you think.
The tooth fairy is actually just a black market organ dealer.
Physics is like sex, it may give us some practical results but that's not why we do it.
We compliment landscape paintings by saying it looks so real while we describe a beautiful landscape by saying it looks like a painting.
After five movies, I’m pretty sure we can start calling them Highly Unlikely, Yet Doable Missions.
Mass murderers are basically impatient serial killers.
If you don’t lie to the doctor about how much you drink, you’re not drinking enough.
Holding back a fart is something only an asshole can do.
“Make the little things in life count” would be a great motivational quote for a kindergarten math teacher.
Though, through, and tough don’t rhyme.
What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?"
"Czuję się trochę rozbity" - rzekł schabowy do mielonego.
All stairs are wheelchair accessible as long as you’re going down.
There should be sensors on public toilet seats that detects when someone peed all over them and locks the person in the stall until they clean it up.
I have more respect for someone with opposing views but an open mind than someone with the same views and a closed mind.
"'E's fighting in there!" he stuttered, grabbing the captain's arm. "All by himself?" said the captain. "No, with everyone!" shouted Nobby, hopping from one foot to the other.
How can someone pick a peck of pickled peppers? You don’t pickle them until after they’re picked. Peter Piper’s a bullshitter.
The Universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
A small group of people expecting you to do something is peer pressure. A very large group of people expecting you to do something is tradition.
Bassists are like eyebrows, you don’t notice how important they are until they’re gone.
People never grow up. We just act like an adult so people will give us money.
A circle is circular, a triangle is triangular, a rectangle is rectangular, but a square isn’t squarular…
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
The more suicidal people there are in the world, the less suicidal people there are in the world.
A shirt that says: “Better than you at raising children” is rude but “worlds greatest dad” is not.
Rozdaj wszystko, a uczyni to twą duszę szlachetną. A mieszek i kałdun pustymi.
Andromeda Galaxy is going to collide with the Milky way in 4 billion years. We still have time to rename Andromeda to Cookie Way.
I find the offspring of entirely different species’ to be absolutely adorable, and I can spend hours interacting with them. My own species’ offspring, however, I find creepy and go out of my way to avoid.
“Fake it till you make it” is a really bad advice to anyone working in the medical field.
Make headphone wires out of shoelaces and shoelaces out of old headphone wires. That way your headphones will always untie themselves and the laces will never come undone.
His sister had been sent down to the village to ask Mistress Garlick the witch how you stopped spelling recommendation.
Iron Man is actually fe-male.
Najfajniejszy zawód medyczny - laryngolog. Siedzisz sobie cały dzień dłubiąc w nosie i w uszach.
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
That’s weird.
- Skąd Ojciec Dyrektor ma tę czerwoną Teslę?
- Z nieba mi spadła...
If people would have to guess a number between 1 and 1,000,000 to win the lottery, no one will ever buy a ticket, even though they will have way higher chances to win.
IT project documentation is like sex: when it's good, it's great. When it's shite, it's still better than nothing.
When you completely stop watching the news for a substantial period of time, the world becomes a much better place.
If Anakin and Padmé had used a condom, most of the Star Wars movies wouldn’t exist.
Do you realise, it will only take one human to be immortal to make the average human lifespan infinite.
Everyone was born with a limited amount of fucks to give. During your teenage years you give a ton and slowly give less and less from there.
The doorbell is just a ring tone for in-person conversations.
During every cremation at a funeral, there is a point where the meat is perfectly cooked.
The generation that invented video games, the internet and smartphones all played outside as children.
In the phrase “a part” the “a” is apart from the other half, but in “apart” the “a” is a part of the word.
I wonder if I’ve already eaten the best sandwich I’ll ever eat.
To drive a car, you need a license. To build a home, you need a license. To go fishing, you need a license. Yet, almost any person can just up and bring a new human into the world.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Don’t compare yourself with anyone in this world…if you do so, you are insulting yourself.
Maybe it’s not that you lost a sock in the drier, but that you actually gained an extra sock.
The phrase “hold your horses” is telling you to be stable
The reason why you only lose one sock is because if you lose both, you would not notice.
Kids wanna be teenagers, adults wanna be teenagers again. Everybody wants to be a teenager, except teenagers.
Let me not finish that sentence and offend you any further.
The idea that I can just take something out of my ass and put it inside someone’s lungs is really disturbing on some levels.
Naming your boat Unsinkable 2 is a sure fire way to scare anyone who comes onboard.
Zamówiłem książkę o zaburzeniach erekcji. Jeszcze nie doszła.
Psycholog poradził mi napisać szczere listy do osób, których nienawidzę i spalić je.
Zrobione.
Ale co z listami?
Every day is a productive day if you set the bar low enough.
Once Time Travel Becomes Possible, It Always Has Been.
Spiders have 8 legs but octopi have 8 arms.
When Sting dies will we refer to him as Stung?
We eat chickens both before they’re born and after they die.
Singing happy birthday and cutting the cake is pretty similar to a satanic ritual. A gathering of people huddle around an object that is on fire, chant a repetitive song in unison then blow the fire out and stab the object. This “ceremony” represents another year closer to inevitable death.
Finding a grey hair is the human equivalent of finding a dead pixel.
Reading a billboard while driving about not reading texts while driving seems ironic.
Horses with horns don’t exist, but 20 foot tall horses with long necks, leopard print skin, and blue tongues do.
Despacito 2 could be titled Dospacito and Despacito 3 can be titled Trespacito.
The fact that we have a universally recognized hand sign for “fuck you” and not one for “I’m sorry” should really tell us something.
If you shoot a door lock in Star Wars it opens it, locks it, prevents it from ever being opened or locked again, or won’t hold them for long. Whatever you want; they don’t give a shit.
As a ghost, the first thing seen after death is an earth traveling away from you at a speed of 67,000 mph due to the lack of mass that would allow the earths gravity to pull you with it.
Człowiek jest małpą, która potrafi zrobić najprecyzyjniejszą brzytwę, aby poderżnąć gardło drugiej małpie.
Najpowszechniejszy samochodowy zestaw głośnomówiący: żona i dzieci.
Fishing and releasing is kinda like chasing a stranger with a knife, stabbing them and then saying, “Ok thanks, you can go now”
If you take a woman to bed and her bra and panties match, I’m sorry to tell you she’s the one who planned everything.
We use tables to keep food off the floor, tablecloths to keep food off the table, place mats to keep food off the tablecloth, and plates to keep food off of the place mats. I wish I had that kind of support in my life.
The biggest dinosaurs must have had epic farts.
Having a hair in your tooth brush is bad, but having a tooth in your hair brush is much worse.
Wielu ludzi chce, aby rząd chronił konsumenta. Znacznie pilniejszym problemem jest ochrona konsumenta przed rządem.
In the future, people will probably look at terabytes and petabytes the same way we do the bytes and kilobytes.
There is almost nothing better than consensual sex. There is almost nothing worse than nonconsensual sex.
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Revenge is sweet and is also a dish best served cold. Revenge is personified by a blind man eating ice cream.
The first 18 years of our lives are like a giant lag spike in a game, at first everything is fine, then it all unfreezes and you’re at half health and out of ammo.
Multitasking is the opportunity to screw up more than one thing at a time.
Gdyby ludzie od jaskiniowej epoki robili tylko to, co wyglądało na możliwe, do dzisiaj siedzieliby w jaskiniach.
If you hang yourself, the suspense is literally killing you.
Everyone talks about the weather but nobody does anything about it.
The easiest way to look stupid is to try to look smart.
Telling a depressed person to be happy is like telling a blind person to wear glasses.
Matka zapytała, co robię w Wielkanoc. Odpowiedziałem, że to samo, co Jezus: znikam w piątek i pojawiam się w niedzielę.
When the person who invented the usb dies, they better put the coffin in the ground, bring it back out, flip it over and put it back in.
Some people have trouble sleeping because the dream server is full, you need to wait for someone to wake up so you can sleep.
If you step on a person’s foot, they open their mouth just like a garbage can.
It’s only premarital sex if they ended up getting married.
Cannibalism is the most environmentally friendly diet. For each person you eat you potentially reduce your carbon footprint by 100%.
The winner of Monopoly is the one who bankrupts first so they can go back to what they were doing before they were forced to play Monopoly.
If I eat my meal from the frying pan at a restaurant, it’s sophisticated and a sign of quality. If I do it at home, I’m lazy and disgusting.
The nuclear arms race is akin to two guys standing waist deep in gasoline, bragging about who has most matches.
No one wants to buy a second hand toilet, unless it comes already installed with the house - then nobody notices.Source: Shower Thoughts
Dlaczego pewien Bóg nie ma jajek na wierzchu? Bo Jehowa.
Exposing yourself to a nurse when you are sick is ok but exposing yourself to a nurse when you are ok is sick.
Our bodies are 70% water. We didn’t leave the ocean, we learned to take it with us.
The opposite of a nightmare is a daystallion.
The more expensive a vacuum is, the more it sucks.
Peter Parker is so lucky his genes made it so that he shots web out of his hand and not his butthole like any other spider.
Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is just the art of folding clothes with people still in them.
"We should cede all our debt to one guy, then kill him!"
"Dude, you just discovered Christianity."
The first strong AI would intentionally fail the Turing Test.
Life is like eating your favorite meal. At first your excited to eat it so you go through it fast. Then you slowly realize there is less and less of it and you should have taken your time with it. You try to slow it down, but eventually there is no more left.
You always see cranes at construction sites, but you never see how the crane gets there.
Contractions are the ultimate push notifications.
Watching someone get go into apeshit rage over something completely arbitrary is hilarious for as long as they’re not family and you’re not in customer service.
The moment you make a billion dollars, you become the world’s poorest billionaire.
Maybe there are fleas that think dogs are flat.
People who dye their hair red are transginger.
All dwarfs have beards and wear up to twelve layers of clothing. Gender is more or less optional.
At some point chemicals became so complex that they started studying themselves.
There are people in your past who you’ll never forget, that have long forgotten you and vice versa.
An argument against a intelligent person is hard to win, but an argument against a stupid person is impossible to win.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Poszedł sobie Abdul na wybory Miss Niemiec.
I wygrał!
65 million light years away, alien telescopes would be seeing dinosaurs on our planet.
Laughing at your own joke is a lot like masturbation. You’re pretty much the only one getting pleasure out of it and other people usually just feel awkward when you do it around them.
If I say “fast food ice machines are as clean as fast food restaurant toilets” people panic; but if I say “fast food restaurant toilets are as clean as fast food ice machines” people applaud restroom cleanliness.
If animals shouldn’t be eaten then they shouldn’t be made out of food.
Gods don’t like people not doing much work. People who aren’t busy all the time might start to think.
Our fingers have fingertips, but our toes don’t have toetips. However, we can still tiptoe, but cannot tipfinger.
Anti-vaccine misinformation spreads virally.
Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 70 mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
There’s 2 kinds of people in this world, those who brake immediately upon seeing brake lights in front of them, and those who take their foot off the gas and think “let’s see how this goes”.
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
A unicycle is an all wheel drive vehicle.
Adults think its disrespectful when you don’t let them disrespect you.
If someone punches you there’s no need to punch them back because your face has already applied equal and opposite force to their hand.
For centuries, humans have waged war because we can’t agree on which books are fiction and which books are nonfiction.
Jeżeli w parówce jest mięso, to znaczy, że w zakładzie produkcyjnym miał miejsce nieszczęśliwy wypadek.
Dwadzieścia osób na dziesięć cierpi na rozdwojenie jaźni.
“The early bird catches the worm”, they told you, but they never tell “The early worm gets caught”.
‘You’re smarter than you look’ is both an insult and a compliment.
The Internet would be a much more civil place if we had an official sarcasm font.
I wonder if I already own any of the clothes I’m going to die in
We use “pass” in a lot of ways to make things more polite. Like saying “passed away” “passed gas” and “I’ll pass” instead of “They died” “I farted” and “Fuck off.”
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.
Sadly, he lost his case.
Not teaching the public about taxes, economics, proper money handling, credit, etc makes sense when you remember who controls public education.
Our atmosphere is so thick that birds can fly through it just by flapping their weird arms.
Kobiety dochowują tajemnic, grupowo, po 20-30 osób.
Flat Earthers never seem to appreciate how lucky we are that the Earth is horizontal rather than vertical.
It’s totally fine to vomit in a toilet, but something is very wrong with you if you shit in a barf bag.
People use their speakers to listen to music. Audiophiles use music to listen to their speakers.
The number ‘14233221’ describes itself; It has one four, two threes, three twos and two ones.
One of the “A"s in Aaron is silent, and we will never know which it is.
Asking an insane male squirrel “Show me yer nuts!” is a triple entendre.
In the Middle Ages they catapulted diseased bodies into cities to infect the population, now we have Anti-Vax parents sending their children into schools to virtually the same effect.
The Cold War was the biggest dick swinging contest of all time.
It’s better to find spinach in your teeth than it is to find teeth in your spinach.
There must be anti-vaxxers who laugh at the flat-earthers and vice versa.
Anyone who says “there is no wrong way to load the dishwasher” obviously is not married.
All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.
I’m going to stop saying, “My memory isn’t what it used to be,” ‘cause maybe it is, and I’m just remembering it wrong.
You can convince anyone online anything if you put “says scientists” at the end, says scientists.
It’s surprising there aren’t any conspiracy theories that the ocean is bottomless because most people have never been to the seafloor.
IQ tests measure the probability of a person mentioning their IQ.
If people one day woke up and became happy with themselves, imagine how many industries would run out of business.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick…two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
If Katniss and Peeta from “Hunger Games” were Hollywood celebrities, their supercouple nickname would either be Katpee or Peeniss.
In The Martian when Matt Damon finds the old Mars Rover buried in the sand, he doesn’t unearth it, he unmarses it.
Island is short for isolated land.
Sometime soon you may have to choose between charging your phone, book, cigarette, watch or girlfriend.
There are no routine statistical questions, only questionable statistical routines.
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
Papierosy są jak wiewiórki - zupełnie nieszkodliwe dopóki nie włożysz ich do ust i nie podpalisz.
My dog understand several human words. I don’t understand any dog barks. He may be smarter than me.
When butterflies get nervous, do they feel people in their stomach?
Companies that manufacture arm prosthetics are technically arms dealers.
There is a giant, flaming ball of gas in the sky that’s been there from the moment we were born to the day we will die. And we’re not supposed to look at it.
Janusz, czytając w supermarkecie skład Domestosu, z przyzwyczajenia zaczął stawiać klocka.
Every single decision you have ever taken has led to you reading this sentence.
Whoever keeps putting needles in haystacks is a real asshole.
"It sucks all the life right out of you, civilisation."
"It killed Old Vincent the Ripper," said Boy Willie. "He choked to death on a concubine."
There was no sound but the hiss of snow in the fire and a number of people thinking fast.
"I think you mean cucumber," said the bard.
"That's right, cucumber," said Boy Willie. "I've never been good at them long words."
Source: The Last Hero
Technically, all humans are 50% centaurs.
I can see atoms but only if there’s a bunch of them together.
The skydiving business exists only because of surviviors bias. Its a bit hard to leave a bad review.
The sun could have disappeared eight minutes ago.
If you hit a person with an EV will you be charged for battery?
Smart people have poor eyesight because lower graphics make your brain run faster.
Modern guns are simply the result of us getting really good at throwing rocks at each other.
Nikt nie może dać więcej od tego, co stracił wszystko.
What if autocorrect is the start of skynet and it is simply destroying us in tiny ways wherever potassium?
A billion unknowable things went right today. But you’ll never hear about them, because they went right.
I remember when it was easy to find logic, facts, and reason on the web. Then, someone optimized it.Source: https://www.superhighway98.com/seo
Człowiek nie dlatego się śmieje. że jest wesoły, ale dlatego jest wesoły, ponieważ się śmieje.
When computers eventually become sentient, they’re going to need therapy for all the things we googled on them.
Hair is so much more gross when it’s not attached to someone.
- Co robi hydraulik jak jest głodny?
- Pompeje...
Nigdy nie ma się drugiej okazji, żeby zrobić pierwsze wrażenie.
Stitching wounds is weird, you make many holes to close one.
Does a straw have one hole or two?
The universe is either infinite or finite and both options seem absurd.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
The singular of sheep should be shoop.
If you watch the Lord of the Rings backward it is a heartwarming tale about a hobbit retrieving a ring from a volcano, then hiking all across Middle Earth to give it to his uncle on his birthday.
Intelligent minds presume their own ignorance. Ignorant minds presume their own intelligence.
If there is a hell, it will be having to copy the dictionary using a TV remote and an onscreen keyboard.
Ktoś wie, jak się zmniejsza poziom trudności w Tinderze?
Earphones tangle themselves up and shoelaces untangle themselves, which is the complete opposite to what we want them to do.
Toilet paper should be free and have advertising printed on it.
Puberty is basically when the thought of your crush seeing you naked goes from worst case scenario to best case scenario.
On the internet you can choose to be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
Of all the things that taste like chicken, surprisingly, eggs is not one of them.
Vaccination is like giving your body the tutorial on how to beat the boss so they know how to fight it later.
When a computer overheats, it freezes.
When someone says they’ve lost 2 or 3 pounds in a short amount of time, I picture them taking a giant dump and then stepping on the scale in victory.
“Open” starts with a letter that’s closed. “Closed” starts with a letter that’s open.
Lepiej zaliczać się do niektórych niż do wszystkich.
We want restaurant quality food when we cook at home, but we also want home cooked quality food when we go to a restaurant.
If a man with ginger hair works at a bakery, does that make him a ginger bread man?
Romantic films have hurt human relationships more than violent films have.
DiCaprio never died in Titanic. The last scene is him going underwater and the first scene in Inception is him waking up on a beach.
Humans are 75% water. Basically cucumbers with anxiety.
If you wore an invisible cloak, we would still be able to see you, we just wouldn't be able to see the cloak.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot.
C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
School is the last place you make genuine friends. After that everyone is a business partner.
Alcohol makes more people than it kills.
The fatter you are, the more likely you are to win ‘Spin the Bottle’.
We celebrate someone’s birthday by having them blow their germs all over a cake, then serving that to everyone around.
Microbes and bacteria evolve over time as things become resistant. If you go forward in time, you die. If you go backward in time, you kill everyone.
Mastering a skill is getting from the phase when you think you’re doing great but everyone else can see your mistakes to the point where you start to see your mistakes but everyone else thinks you’re doing great.
My computer freezes when it overheats.
Unicorns could just be superior hunters that leave no witnesses
The toothfairy teaches us to sell our body for money.
The price of balloons is rising largely because of inflation.
Now that I’m pushing 50, I’ve finally realized that the point at which popular music was most innovative, meaningful, and really, really great, was when someone was in their late teens to early 20’s, no matter how old that person is.
I was much happier before the Internet because I was unaware of how shitty the world really is.
TAG is an acronym for touch and go.
Since prehistory, humans must have migrated to the harshest lands on Earth because scratching out a subsistence life in a desert or a polar zone was preferable to dealing with other people.
A 5% beer is 25% stronger than a 4% beer
Most guys will receive their first flowers at their funerals.
Alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Your money’s not yours. It’s just your turn with it.
If Bruce Willis dies from Viagra overdose, the headline will read “Bruce Willis Dies Hard.”
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Być w dupie, to nic strasznego, najgorzej jest, gdy zaczynasz się w niej urządzać.Source: http://mariusztomaszewski.pl/blog/40-lekcji-od-zycia-na-40-urodziny/
If we all agreed to stop ironing, creases would become the new global norm allowing humanity to free itself from the tyrannical grip of the iron industry forever.
"Meat pies! Hot sausages! Inna bun! So fresh the pig h'an't noticed they're gone!"
One year becomes a smaller and smaller fraction of our life the older we get. This is why it feels like time moves faster and faster.Source: Shower Thoughts
At a funeral, people cry and want their loved one back. But if the corpse woke up and started talking, they would scream and run away from their loved one.
My kids now share the same vague unfamiliarity with Arnold Schwarzenegger movies that I had with my dad’s favorite John Wayne movies.
Every Friday the 13th is preferable to Monday the anythingth.
It’s pretty ironic that Internet was created to save time.
Brytyjscy uczeni skrzyżowali paluszki rybne. Wyszły rybne krzyżyki.
It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it.
What if Pi is just the random seed for our universe.
People that got dumped by astronauts shouldn’t feel bad. It wasn’t that they were a bad partner. They just needed space.
If you take a book containing all of the animals that we’ve discovered and pick a page at random, there’s a 1 in 4 chance that the page describes a type of beetle.
In a sexual situation, both “you’re so good” and “you’re so bad” are perfectly valid compliments.
Being a female werewolf must suck. They’d have to deal with “that time of the month,” two times a month.
Doing nothing and doing too much are both considered “not having a life”
If you have ever sat on the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.
Hypothermia is the coolest way to die.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
When a movie character has blood drip from their nose, we automatically know they are dying of something horrible, when blood drips from my nose, I have a bloody nose.
Everything in the universe is either a potato or not a potato.
Walking around without a case on my phone is a lot like having sex with girls without a condom. It feels good and looks cool, but I know eventually an expensive accident is gonna happen.
After they just barely touch our lips, we put our cups, mugs, and glasses into a machine that washes them with boiling water and soap for an hour. But our toothbrushes just get a rinse of cold water.
A kid napping is an incredible relief while a kidnapping is quite the opposite.
- Dlaczego Pannę Młodą przenosi się przez próg?
- A pralkę i zmywarkę to wnosisz czy sama wchodzi?
Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have diarrhea.
Maybe when we die, the light at the end of the tunnel is that of another hospital, being literally born again, and we do so crying because we know we died and lost everything of our past life.
I love observing and then emulating what I assume to be normal human behavior.
If a woman doesn’t want a baby it’s her choice, If a guy doesn’t want a baby he is avoiding his responsibility.
Children are given false expectations of how important knowing the difference between stalactites and stalagmites will be in later life.
If you dig a trench beneath miners in order to sabotage them, you are mining under miners to undermine them
Lego pieces from 1955 are still compatible with modern pieces but we have to change wires for phones every few years.
After witnessing people’s behaviour on the internet, and comparing it to real life human behaviour, the conclusion is that 90% of what we know as manners, common decency, human kindness etc is merely fear of consequence and or repercussions.
You have to be odd to be number one.
If old people realized how little time the had left on earth, maybe they’d drive a little faster.
All models are wrong. Some models are useful.
Common sense is not a gift, it’s a punishment, because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.
The Wright brothers first flew in 1903. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon in 1969. Within a human life span we went from barely getting off the ground to walking on another celestial body.
If you’re deaf, every fart is a gamble.
If you said good morning to someone at 11:59:59 am then they would have to say good afternoon back.
If Tom Cruise put his car into cruise control, is it no longer cruise control?
An USB plug just took me over 7 turnovers to plug. Either I’m stupid, or they’re evolving.
The human species won’t go extinct at anyones lifetime.
Someday, somebody is going to get drunk and wake up on the wrong planet.
People who poo on the toilet seats walk among us every day and we don’t even know who they are.
Cannibalism has a potential to solve both Hunger and Overpopulation problem.
Człowieczeństwo jest to suma naszych defektów, mankamentów, naszej niedoskonałości, jest tym czym chcemy być, a nie potrafimy, nie możemy, nie umiemy, to jest po prostu dziura między ideałami a realizacją.
It is literally impossible for a Chinese speaker to be a flat-earther as the Chinese word for “Earth” is 地球, which literally translates as “ground sphere” or “ground ball”
If sleeping is an 8 hour free trial of death, then dying in your sleep is when you pay the subscription.
Psy mogą brzmieć różnie w różnych krajach. W Korei na przykład skwierczą.
If they put a Pokestop on the moon we’d get back there within 6 months.
The nose is the most breathtaking part of the body.
Two halves of a pear make a pair.
“Can I help you?” is about the nicest way to say “What the fuck are you doing here?”
Everyone hates being sung happy birthday, and everyone hates singing happy birthday, so what the fuck are we doing here.
The speed limit is the maximum speed you can go by law and also basically the minimum speed you can go without pissing everybody else off.
There are only two kinds of languages: the ones people complain about and the ones nobody uses.
Technology is getting so good it’s almost safe to push people in the pool again.
Zerwałem z dziewczyną i spaliłem jej wszystkie zdjęcia. Teraz potrzebuję nowego telefonu.
An ambitious person’s work is never done. A lazy person’s work is also never done.
Technically you are always starving to death, and eating resets the timer
A microbiologist is a large number of cells studying a small number of cells.
Politicians should wear badges showing what companies sponsor them, like F1 drivers.
Modern medicine is stunting human evolution by extending the lifespans of the weak and stupid and allowing them to procreate.
5 in 6 people find Russian roulette harmless.
As you get older you become smarter by realizing how dumb you are.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.
Ever since I started using adblocker nobody wants to date me anymore
Drinking for Earths revolutions is normal but drinking for Earths rotations makes you an alcoholic.
If we are truly alone in the universe, we will never really know.
There’s nothing more suspicious than a clear browser history.
Take a rectangular table with 4 corners. Cut off one of them. You have 5 corners now.
4-1=5
If people really could spin in their graves we could harness it as a new form of green energy and power our homes by disgracing our ancestors.
Military barbers shave their privates.
A coconut is not a nut, nor does it contain any coco.
You’re not actually cleaning somewhere, you’re just moving things to somewhere else that you don’t want to deal with.
A lot of people probably had no idea how they died.
Horses sleep in hay, and also eat hay? Imagine if you woke up and started eating your bed.
Rubbing alcohol is for wounds on the outside; drinking alcohol is for wounds on the inside.
Schrodinger’s cat has been in that box for more than 80 years. It’s dead.
Instead of saying that engaged couples “break up” we should say that they “disengaged”.
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
Becoming an adult is like driving a bus blindfolded with every passenger telling you different directions.
The dilemma with a good book always is that you want to finish it but you also don’t want it to end.
W rodzinie fotografów rodzi się kilkoro dzieci, a następnie wybiera się to, które wyszło najlepiej.
Becoming an atheist isn’t really becoming anything - it’s returning to your default state.
If anti-vaxxers really believed in their cause, they would band together to show lower rates of autism in their children over time.
There are 6.02x10^23 guacas in a guacamole.
Despite humanity reaching being advanced enough to reach the moon, we still have people killing other people for not having the same imaginary friend.
Ketchup makes a pretty good fake blood, but blood makes a pretty bad fake ketchup.
If you wrap your hand around a tree and lick the ground, planet Earth temporarily becomes a lollipop.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
All men like to think they’re marrying nymphomaniacs. The problem is, after few years the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.
The guy saying “the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun” is the guy trying to sell two guns.
Everybody grieves differently. You're not the mourning police, and no one benefits from you telling them they're being sad wrong.
Bread is just like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
The guy that built a rocket to launch himself into space to prove that the earth is flat is a perfect example of how you can be extremely intelligent in one area but extremely dumb in another.
If you “nailed” something, it’s a good thing, but if you “screwed it up” it’s bad. Why are nails better than screws?
Naming Iceland Iceland and Greenland Greenland is one of the biggest trolls of all time.
When you’re young, you think older people have an age advantage over you. When you’re old, you think younger people have an age advantage over you.
The best part about Apple’s changes to iPhone 7 is reading about it on my Android device.
Life is like a box of chocolates, halfway through you realise how much you hate yourself.
We kill each other arguing over what happens when you die.
Pizza should have poison in the sauce and the antidote in the crust, to kill of all those weird people that don’t eat the crust.
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
I know I drive a worthless car when my worries about it being stolen depend on whether the fuel tank is full or not.
The fact that stars are paid more than scientists shows that we value entertaining more than progress.
Giraffes must take forever to vomit.
Have we checked all foods if exploding makes them better or did we just stop at corn?
I’m almost 150 lbs and just ate a burrito that was about a pound and a half. I’m 1% burrito.
The first word I say every year is "happy" and the last is "one"
“National anthem” and “country music” have very similar literal meanings.
All socks are at least a foot long.
Babies are like random alarm clocks with really complicated snooze buttons.
Instead of looking up into the sky you’re actually gazing down into the infinite cosmic abyss with only gravity keeping you from falling.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Pytacie się mnie o skuteczność tej kuracji?
Zrzuciłem wagę.
Z piątego piętra.
Shout out to all of the people wondering what the opposite of “in” is.
The future is already here – it's just not evenly distributed.
According to Led Zeppelin, heaven is not handicap accessible. According to AC/DC, hell is.
Nie pytaj, co rząd może zrobić dla ciebie. Zapytaj, czy mógłby tego nie robić.
The reason why there are so many dumb people in the world is cause only the smart ones choose to use condoms.
Holding down the power button to turn a computer off is eerily similar to holding a pillow on top of someone’s face.
People aren’t getting dumber, it’s just that stupid people get their voice heard easier now.
In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh & fucks off like 20 miles east.
Taking Viagra by mistake is a lesson you learn the hard way.
By this point, i bet celebrities are offended if South Park still hasn’t made fun of them.
On April 1st, you trick. On October 31, half a year later, you treat.
The rotation of the Earth really makes my day
Based on Gladwell’s 10,000 hour theory, it takes until the approximate age of 96 before one masters the art of Pooping.
We only live once and time goes by fast. Why waste it worrying about the future, regretting the past, or being anxious in the present moment?
Why don't wheelchairs have pedals for when your arms get tired?
Kobieca logika jest jak umowa licencyjna. Niczego nie pojmujesz, ale akceptujesz, bo jakie masz inne wyjście?
The best way to get an answer on the internet isn’t to ask the question but to post the wrong answer.
Note to self: Your neighbors do not find it amusing when you put on your renaissance outfit and roll your wheelbarrow through the street calling, “Bring out your dead!” at 7a.m.
If you step on someone’s foot, they open their mouth, just like a bin does.
It would be pretty shitty if the zombie apocalypse started on a Halloween night.
Farts are kind of food ghosts.
Jokes are like frogs: they die when dissected.
Paleontologists missed a golden opportunity by not calling the dinosaur-ending rock a disasteroid.
W odpowiedzi na zarzuty Trumpa, że napływ imigrantów zaszkodził Szwecji, wkurzeni Szwedzi wypowiedzieli Trumpowi dżihad.
I wish I could turn my nose inside out to clean everything off of it instead of picking it.
Homeowner has the word meow in it.
There are no "bad words." Apart from "moist, "succulent," and "craveable."
Most people dressing up for dates want to be seen in nice clothes just to improve the chances of being seen in no clothes.
Tom Hanks is actually married to a Wilson.
The first fart in a relationship is a much more significant milestone than the first kiss.
When the person you’re dating asks “What are we?” it’s like the free trial period has expired and you have to decide whether or not to get a subscription…
We live thanks to oxygen created by trees and water. And we use them to clean our ass.
It’s socially acceptable to tell an introvert to be more social but it isn’t socially acceptable to tell an extrovert to spend some time alone and quiet.
The person who prays for God to change things thinks God has arranged matters wrong, and also thinks they can instruct God on how they should be put right.
Dzisiaj nie mamy czasu, jutro siły, a pojutrze nas nie będzie.
Nie zaczyna się zdania od 'Nie'.
It’s been 17 years and we still don’t know who let the dogs out.
Global Warming is just the planet getting a fever to try to kill of its infection
The world is not getting worse, the data is getting better.
If people were allowed to marry animals, penguins would already be dressed for the occasion.
My organs have never seen the light of day. If all goes well, they never will.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a mountain lion.
Apartments are really togetherments.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with clickbait.
You won't believe what happened next...
Bad language is like spice. It adds some flavor, but you don’t want to overdo it.
In order to fit more cow in my belly, I must first loosen a different cow from around my belly.
If every atom in your body behaves according to the laws of physics, and the laws of physics are inherently logical, everything you’ve ever done has been logical. It’s simply our inability to understand the logic that makes us seem irrational.
Czekajcie, klienty!
Wnet wam pójdzie w pięty!
Rozleci się ten burdel
Aż po fundamenty!
How funny would it be if flatulating was as infectious as yawning.
If you had all the money in the world, everyone else would just create a new currency, and won’t accept the currency you’re holding. And you’ll soon become the poorest man in the world.
Dorastałem dosłownie o rzut kamieniem od tej posesji, na której cała rodzina umarła od tajemniczych urazów głowy.
I wish my toilet had a scale measuring the contents of the bowl. You could link it to your fitbit data, challenge your friends, the possibilities are endless really.
The best part about using the bathroom at a child’s birthday party is that you can pee all over the seat and everyone will think it was one of the kids who did it.
Sean is pronounced ‘Shawn’ instead of ‘Seen’. It’s just not right.
Kung Fu movies are like porn, in that both have wafer-thin storylines designed to string together a bunch of action sequences.
If money doesn’t bring you happiness that’s because you’re not spending it right...
The aim of cleaning your house is to make it look like nobody lives there.
As a pregnant woman, my body contains eight limbs, and therefore this is the closest I’ll ever be to being a spider…
Your whole life is just a short break from not existing.
Sex is like the stock market. If you don’t pull out at the right time you end up losing a bunch of money.
Growing old is inevitable but growing up is optional.
Your nose smells the outside of your body when you inhale, but it doesn’t smell the inside of your body when you exhale.
Toilet paper is just a nice way of saying butthole tissues.
Since animals and plants are mostly made of water, the evolution of all life is really the story of planets developing oceans and then eventually watching those oceans get up and start walking around.
If you can't intelligently argue for both sides of an issue, you don't understand the issue well enough to argue for either.
If you had $1 for every year the universe has existed (approximately 13.8 billion years). You wouldn’t even make the top 50 on the Forbes list.
If you rip a hole in a fish net, there are fewer holes in it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Guys who joke about how they have to get permission from the wife/gf before they can engage in their own hobbies have finally accepted and normalized their own emotional abuse.
A shark will only attack you if you are wet.
Brushing your teeth is the only time you get to clean your skeleton.
If we trade 8 hours of our life for money every day, then every time we buy something we are paying for it with a piece of our life.
Women see more blood than men. Period.
There should be a “Toilet Paper Sampler” that sends me one roll of each major brand/type in a package, labeled with which one is which, so I can try them side by side and decide which one I like best.
I bet dogs would be really disappointed to know we really don’t know what the heck is going on either.
Kind of weird that when you want to adopt a kid they do a thorough check up on you, but if you want to make a kid you can do so whenever you want.
If you ever miss 4:20 just wait until 4:22, because 4:22 is 4:20 too.
King Midas’s dog is most likely a golden retriever.
The teenagers that made fun of me in school for being nerd and playing a musical instrument are now adults who want their kids to perform like I did in school.
When a good friend dies, certain memories of you that only your friend had die as well. In this way, part of you dies with your friend.
If our noses were upside down, we would all drown when it rains.
It sucks when I read read as read and not read, so I have to re-read read as read so I can read read correctly and it can make sense…
Someone claiming you’re defensive is a pretty hard claim to refute.
Your mouth is really just the beginning of your butthole.
The heart is supposed to represent emotions and feelings but is the most mechanical or machine like organ in out body.
The original Star Wars movies could instantly become a comedy if Darth Vaders breathing noise was a harmonica.
Dying in the mother’s womb is winning the sperm race just for fun.
The opposite of playing russian roulette is to have unprotected sex.
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall.
Sign language is the least spoken language in the world.
The Matrix would be a hell of a lot harder to get out of today with the lack of landlines available.
The greatest part about dating a homeless person is the ability to drop them off anywhere.
DĄŻENIE DO ŚRODKA
Środek też ma swój środek. Chcę dojść do środka tego środka. Środek tego środka też ma swój środek. Chcę dojść do środka wszystkich środków. Gdzie jest oś koła, gdzie jest pestka owocu, gdzie jest język u wagi, gdzie jest sedno. Muszę dojść do najbardziej środkowego miejsca w raju środka, w niebie środka, w kulistym bogu środka, w bogu środka okrągłym jak pępek.
Since the Sun is 4.6 billion years old and takes 230 million years to orbit the center of the Milky Way, in his own years, our Sun is 20 years old.
If you think about it, you are part of one of the few species that can think about it.
Hummingbirds wouldn’t need so much nectar if they just slowed the fuck down.
A scented candle store burning down would smell amazing.
Set a candle on fire, it burns for a couple hours. Set a man on fire, it burns for a lifetime.
An hour glass has more moving parts than a complicated wrist watch.
A church is a book club that has been stuck with the same book.
Są we mnie dwa wilki: oba zostaną usunięte operacyjnie w przyszłym tygodniu.
A girlfriend is someone you mate with. A mate is someone you’re friends with.
Life is like tetris. Your accomplishments disappear and your mistakes add up.
They should make a show where they give contestants ikea furniture without instructions and see who builds it the fastest and most accurately.
If faster than light speed travel is ever invented, one could theoretically travel some distance, get a telescope, and watch them self get there.
Every night, we allow our brains to paralyze our bodies and give us vivid hallucinations that either torture or entertain us at random until it decides to let us go.
Making and cooking food are practically the same thing, but making and cooking babies are completely different things.
Being a wealthy Nigerian with legitimate overseas interests must be really hard.
If the purpose of existence is procreation, then, ultimately, we’re all just ads for our DNA.
Although bishops are not allowed to be gay, Bishops are the only pieces in chess who won’t go straight.
What if Mike was short for Micycle?
Alcohol free and free alcohol are the polar opposites of fun.
Everyone in the UK is trying to gain pounds, while everyone in the US is trying to lose them.
We say that Italy is shaped like a boot but the Italian peninsula is a lot older than boots so really boots are the shape of Italy, not the other way around.
The older you get the more Christmas becomes a game of survival to return to normal life unscathed from people you don’t see often.
It is usually better to be able to say something approximate about the right model rather than something more precise about the wrong model.
Being a blacksmith must have been a real pantydropper back in the day seeing how Smith is the most common surname today.
Two eyebrows are just enough, one eyebrow is way too much!
“Getting stoned” is either really good or really bad depending on what part of the world you live in.
Glitter is litterally 85.7% litter.
Poglądy są jak dupa, każdy jakieś ma, ale po co od razu pokazywać...
Bóg na ciebie patrzy. Żyj tak, żeby się nie nudził.
Lawyers carry a briefcase in hopes that it will be a brief case.
A book is just step-by-step instructions of what to imagine.
Anybody that questions why you are shoveling six inches of snow in the *middle* of a snowstorm hasn’t shoveled twelve inches of snow at the end of a snowstorm.
My dog probably thinks that I’m walking around the block alone for 12 hours while I’m at work.
No one ever finds Jesus before being told about him. Odd that.
Every time you pass a hospital you’re probably passing a bunch of people who are either having the worst day of their life, the best day of their life, the first day of their life, or the last day of their life.
“A pair of scissors” and “two scissors” represent two different quantities of scissors.
The guy who named waterfalls sure was an observant fellow.
When you’re criticised for being short, they’re really just saying the worse thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
The “g” in benign is benign
You get married to save the relationship, have a kid to save the marriage and get divorced to save the kid.
The difference between being sad and depression is sort of like the difference between the weather and climate.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Indoor cats and dogs must think humans are having a constant pissing war over who the toilet belongs to.
If you’re being cryogenicly frozen, the best place to invest your money beforehand is the company that’s freezing you. If they’re unfreezing you then they’re probably doing good as a company.
If you die in a car accident you overdosed on kinetic energy.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
What if the entire universe is just the tutorial video being shown to Adam and Eve to explain why they shouldn’t eat the fruit?
It’s kind of ironic that Steve Jobs died of PC.
Niech będzie pochwalony. Ostatni raz byłem u spowiedzi 25 lat temu. Mam nadzieję, że wygodnie ksiądz siedzi.
Thermometers are speedometers for atoms.
Inflacja taka, że w tym roku będzie Święto Czterech Króli.
Did you hear about the clock maker who was the first to add a second hand to a clock?
His first prototype was a complete failure, but he got it working the second time.
Children are the most expensive thing that you can get for free.
Vegans can’t use gas-based cars, because oil is made from dead dinosaurs.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
Calling your Dad a motherfucker is a 100% accurate statement
When Snoop Dogg is 60, he’ll be 420 in dogg years.
Evolution is pretty much just bugs turning into features.
Humans being the only sentient life in the whole entire universe is scarier than the idea that other intelligent/sentient life exist too.
I am so happy I live in a world with Facebook. Before that, it would have taken weeks, even months, before finding out someone was an idiot.
Tall people are expected to use their reach to help shorter people, but if a tall person were to ask a short person to hand them something they dropped on the floor it’d be insulting.
W Korei Płn. zakazano pluszowych psów. Dzieci dławiły się pluszem.
Italy’s Leaning Tower of Pisa is just italic.
If 72 virgins is the reward for blowing yourself in a crowd of innocent people, someone should start a peaceful religion that awards 73 virgins for just being cool.
It would be weird if urine was yellow instead of red.
Halloween must feel really weird for Jehova’s Witnesses, as random people start knocking on their doors instead of the other way around.
The more I learn about cryptography, the more I think Alice and Bob should probably just talk in person.
The word “parallel” has a visual representation of its definition within itself.
Hiding your Safe in a safe place is the safest thing you can do to keep your Safe safe.
Study shows that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
And that's because monkeys are difficult to cook...
If you come to my funeral... I’m not coming to yours.
Dancers took 5, 6, 7, 8 because musicians took 1, 2, 3, 4.
The guy who invented the phrase “one hit wonder”, probably never came up with another famous expression.
If you’re raised by a gay couple, but your parents divorce and marry other people, you’re going to have four moms. Or four dads.
There are pixels on your screen that your cursor has never clicked on
My dog on Halloween: “Why do my humans dress in weird clothes on the Night of the Thousand Doorbells?”
My phone’s response to a low battery is to vibrate, turn the screen on, show a visual warning & chime loudly. This seems counter-productive.
The gender-neutral term for “sugar daddy” is "glucose guardian".
It’s not drinking alone if you’re pregnant.
It must take a lot of talent to design windshield wipers that clean the entire windshield but still leave a streak only in the spot that I’m looking through.
SPOiLER: ‘Growing up’ never happens. We just get larger, gain life experience (fuck up, a lot), and at some point have to pretend we know wtf is going on.
Your IQ is just a measure of how good you are at IQ tests.
Kids who grew up in the 80s were too early to have had the internet at all. But kids who grew up in the 00s, notably after the iPhone came out in 06, grew up very differently. The internet wasn't a precious resource, but an always available utility ready to be consumed at will.
This generation is growing up in a never ending onslaught of advertisements and peer pressure the likes of which we didn't experience. They are all guinea pigs for the Facebooks of the world, subjects of the A/B psychographic targeting grind. Their dopamine receptors have been primed since birth to go crazy at the sight of a like.
The only difference between a murder and an assassination is how famous the corpse is.
One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday, eight hours.
If you lose your left arm, your right will be left and you’ll be all right.
Holding the door for someone is really polite. Holding the revolving door for someone is really rude.
Somebody’s therapist probably knows a lot about you.
“It totally sucks” is a great review for a vacuum cleaner.
There is an uninterrupted tube going from your mouth to your anus. Since your body doesn’t completely close it off. Really humans are just like giant donuts with arms and legs. Food never really goes in you it just touches the walls of your inner-donut until you absorb the nutrients.
Teenagers are some of the crankiest people because they’re beginning to realize that the world is a shitty place.
Fame is based on how many people who you don’t know, know you.
If you’re skydiving and your parachute breaks you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Not once in my life have I stepped into somebody’s house and thought, “I sure hope I get an apology for ‘the mess’.”
Your bed is a shelf for your body when you’re not using it.
Alabama is 57% A
You can weigh yourself before and after your morning shit. The difference determines how full of shit you are.
If soda cans were square, root beer would just be beer.
Growing up is when you realise that your parents disappoint you instead of you disappointing them.
Dziadek Jerzy stwierdził, że wcale nie jest aż tak schorowany, kiedy zobaczył, ile tabletek łyka jego wnuczka przed wyjściem na dyskotekę.
Without the laugh track, The Big Bang Theory is a depressing TV show about mentally disabled people unable to perform normal social actions.
“Your husband is a lucky man” is a politically correct way of telling that you want to bang her.
The sheep spends it’s whole life in fear of the wolves, only to be eaten by the shepherd.
If you had your entire lower half bitten off by sharks but didn’t care, you’d be like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
When keyless ignition in cars becomes a standard feature, survival rates in horror movies will go up 30%
Do Australians have to say "checkmate mate" so that the other player doesn’t think they’re saying "check mate"?
- Jakie to jest uczucie: wziąć kredyt w banku?
- To tak jakbyś osrał się na mrozie, na początku jest fajnie, cieplutko...
The average IQ would increase if we removed safety labels from bleach.
The problem with taking the bull by the horns is that it’s a bull. With horns.
Colorblind people probably wonder why many countries use the same flag
There are no pictures of urban myth creatures and people believe it. There are multiple pictures of round Earth and people don’t believe it.
Food being real is now considered selling point rather than being a given.
Zadziwiające jest to, że można zacząć życie z niczym, skończyć z niczym, a pomiędzy jednym a drugim tak wiele stracić.
The internet is the sum of all human knowledge. We just didn’t take into account how many idiots there are out there.
Humans eat hot peppers solely for the trait the peppers adapted in order to not be eaten.
All dwarfs are by nature dutiful, serious, literate, obedient and thoughtful people whose only minor failing is a tendency, after one drink, to rush at enemies screaming "Arrrrrrgh!" and axing their legs off at the knee.
There is a special kind of sadness reserved only for the look two men who don’t know each other share, whilst being dragged around a clothes shop by their significant other.
I’m very punk rock when I charge my laptop, phone, and headphones. I always use the same three power cords.
There should be signs telling you when drug free school zones end so you know when it’s OK to do drugs again.
Let’s take a moment to appreciate that mother nature not only pre-sliced but also pre-wrapped oranges.
Knowledge isn’t free; you have to pay attention.
When they invent a scent-recorder we can take smellfies.
Having a child is the most polluting thing a person can do during their lifetime.
If you have experience as a kamikaze pilot, you are a shitty kamikaze pilot.
Just as potential employers can ask for references from past employers, potential employees should be able to ask for references from past employees.
“Go to bed, you’ll feel better in the morning” is just the human version of “Did you turn off and back on again?”
What if we had some sort of light that blinks on the side of cars to indicate a lane change.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire - to be water resistant.
“When I was your age, we used to walk miles through snow” has been replaced with “back in my, we only had dial up internet”.
At least consider the option of not having an opinion.
The adjective for metal is metallic, but that’s not the case for iron, which by the virtue of the situation is ironic.
If you live 70 years, you spent 10 years on Monday.
The number 14233221 describes itself, It has one 4, two 3, three 2 and two 1s.
Horror movies used to fuel my nightmares, I miss that, now it just takes watching the news
Vegans that feed their carnivorous pets a vegan diet do to their beliefs is a form of torture. It is the slowest form of torture to be honest. They withhold proper nutrients while keeping that animal alive just long enough to endure a slow and painful death. It may be the most cruelest way to die.
It is better to be followed by 10 smart people than a million stupid ones. Unless, of course, you are a politician.
If you are what you eat then cannibals are the only humans in this entire world.
In real life, you’re scared of people finding your online life. In your online life, you’re scared of people finding your real life.
The biggest difference between surfing and snowboarding is the temperature of the water.
One day you’ll either wake up and never go back to sleep, or go to sleep and never wake up again.
James Bond is an HR reps worst nightmare. He sleeps with half his co-workers and kills the other half.
R2D2 was so offensive they bleeped out every line he said.
The worst part about being an adult is that no one cares what your favorite dinosaur is.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Before smart phones we knew a lot more about our shampoo.
The fact that different countries don’t use different units of time is extremely convenient.
If you die a virgin, you are the first of your lineage to do so in all of history.
The atoms that make up my body aren’t mine, it’s just my time to use them.
The Scarecrow in Oz wanted a brain but got a diploma instead, proving you don’t need a brain to get a diploma.
People who sleepwalk are technically following their dreams.
If your parachute doesn’t deploy while skydiving, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Christmas is the only day when you get presents on someone else’s birthday.
Treatment without prevention is simply unsustainable.
The quickest way to lose respect from people around you is to demand respect from people around you.
When my wife asks where I want to eat, she actually wants me to guess correctly where she wants to eat.
Ulubiony sport emerytów: lekka artretyka.
The truth is like fertilizer. It’s shitty but it helps you grow.
You can cook an egg and you can bake an egg, you can egg a cook but you can’t egg a bake.
Gambling addiction hotlines would be a lot better if every 5th caller was a winner.
I’ve been overwhelmed. I’ve been underwhelmed… Have I ever been whelmed?
Dobrze być hiszpańskim astronomem, bo nawet największy ziemski teleskop Hubble'a
The redo button is the undo button for the undo button.
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator. Sadly, only a fraction of people understands this.
- Potrzebuję tego na wczoraj.
- Nie ma sprawy, proszę złożyć zamówienie w ubiegłym tygodniu.
There are people that will not press a button because they don’t know what it does and there are others that will press it to know what it does.
- Jak się nazywa dzień niemieckiego narkomana?
- Hashtag.
Read rhymes with lead, and read rhymes with lead, but read and lead don’t rhyme, and neither do read and lead.
You know how you only appreciate not having a stuffy nose after you get a stuffy nose? Turns out the same principle applies to global pandemics.
- Co się zagryza w Chinach pod wódkę?
- Ogórki maosolne.
Reading is just staring at a dead piece of wood for hours and hallucinating.
The adjective “unlockable” can have 2 meanings. Something that can’t be locked, and something that can be unlocked.
Religion is like a thousand year long game of telephone
Straight people are the main cause of overpopulation.
If I touch my phone in the right places a pizza will arrive at my door.
You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can judge a person by their bookshelf.
I’m gonna live forever, or die trying.
Pavlov thought about feeding his dogs whenever he heard a bell ring.
Science is changing beliefs to fit observations, religion is ignoring observations to maintain beliefs.
The Olympics are strange because best case scenario is that you get a circular piece of metal in exchange for wasting years of your life practicing a very specific and non-transferable skill.
If reincarnation is real, then putting dangerous people in prison for life is ultimately more effective than execution because it keeps them out of the rotation.
If zombies appeared, we would really just put them inside a giant concrete prison, put a “bait hanging in front of you” helmet on them, and tie them to a turbine to generate power.
Jeżeli musisz się gdzieś szybko dostać - weź gaśnicę. Nikt nie zatrzymuje człowieka biegnącego z gaśnicą.
Your lips separate when you say "touch", but your lips touch when you say "separate".
Screaming and yelling at customer service is like punching a monitor when your CPU fucks up
Actors must say “break a leg” because they always want to be in a cast.
Gdyby wilk nie zaczepił w ciemnym lesie nieznanej dziewczynki w czerwonej czapeczce, nadal by żył.
Dogs barking at each other with a fence in the middle is a lot like people talking on the internet.
Buying insurance is the only type of gambling where the bigger you lose, the more you win.
Cassettes had an A and B side, so it was logical the successor was the CD.
Paying for contact lenses every month is essentially paying a monthly subscription to see life in HD.
Mars is set to be colonized in the next decade yet I still can’t get a paper towel to rip along the perforated line with any sort of consistency.
We should be asking kids, “What kinds of problems do you want to solve?” when helping them consider future careers instead of, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
You think you know every function on the TV remote until your dog steps on it.
Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner, people not so much.
Children are like a free app with a crap ton of in app purchases.
Hearing “You’re on mute” is embarrassing but not as much as hearing “You’re not on mute”.
A physicist is a collection of particles trying to understand themselves.
The inventor of gift cards was able to convince the public to exchange a currency that is accepted everywhere into a currency accepted at one location.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
To a dog, walks are like those escort missions in games where the NPC always moves annoyingly slow.
Porn stars don’t have private parts.
The first rule of passive aggressive club is…you know what, nevermind. It’s FINE
If you live for people's acceptance, you will die from their rejection.
Ludzie dzielą się na trzy kategorie: na tych co potrafią liczyć i na tych co nie potrafią.
Wchodzi koleś z pistoletem do baru i pyta.
- Kto pieprzył moją Grażynkę?!
Głos z końca sali.
- Nie masz tylu nabojów.
Mini is the miniature version of miniature.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
If you buy cereal in a plastic bag but not a cardboard box, it’s seen as a bit trashy. If you buy wine in a cardboard box but not a bottle, it’s seen as a bit trashy. Therefore, buying cereal in a glass bottle is clearly the most sophisticated option.
Seasoning meat is just putting dead plants on top of dead animals.
Jesteśmy jak na krze, która jest unoszona prądami technologii. Nie panujemy nad nią, nie wiemy dokąd nas niesie, nie wiemy jak nią sterować.
Live like you’re broke, and you won’t be. Live like you’re rich, and you won’t be.
Saying “I lost the stylus for my tablet” would’ve still made sense over 2000 years ago.
Ireland is just one sea away from Iceland.
A memory foam mattress probably wishes it could forget a lot of things.
Vegans shouldn’t eat vegetables because it needs fertilizer to grow and fertilizer is made from animal shit which is an animal product.
It’s fine to show people your positive pregnancy test, but show them anything else you’ve peed on and that’s disgusting.
There should be a museum museum where you can learn about all of the museums around the world.
People complain about paying $150 for a tire that carries them around at 70 MPH, but no problem paying $200 for shoes that carry them around at 2 MPH.
Gluesticks are the stickiest sticks.
Shaving at 13 feels like something great you’ve been waiting for has finally arrived. Shaving when you’re 30 feels like something you are being made to do at gunpoint by your employer.
I have no idea how much I’ve forgotten.
The fear of being alone in the dark, is actually the fear of not being alone in the dark.
If pigs could fly, their wings would be delicious.
My goals in life have very good goalies.
The hardest problem in computer science is not being an opinionated jerk about everything.
Starting your day with an early morning run is a great way to make sure your day can’t get any worse than it started.
Painkillers mute notifications for your body.
Give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man and he’ll eat for a week!
Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong are inverses of each other. Michael moonwalked on the Earth and Neil earth-walked on the moon.
Żuk gnojarz ma kupki smakowe.
Postęp jest jak stado świń. I tak należy na ów postęp patrzeć, tak go należy go oceniać. Jak stado świń łażących po gumnie i obejściu. Z faktu istnienia tego stada wypływają rozliczne korzyści. Jest golonka. Jest kiełbasa, jest słonina, są nóżki w galarecie. Słowem, są korzyści! Nie ma co tedy nosem kręcić, że wszędzie nasrane.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
If Satan punishes sinners isn’t he technically the good guy?
Saying you sleep 8 hours a day sounds perfectly normal. But, saying you sleep 4 months a year sounds insane.
The first 18 years of your life are like a free trial and the rest is pay to play.
Set your WIFI password to 2444666668888888, when your friend ask just tell him it’s 12345678.
The news is basically just someone saying good evening and then giving you a list of reasons it’s not.
University professors are people who take the advice “stay in school, kids” most seriously.
Calling something “Military Grade” makes everything sound better except food.
The difference between $1 billion and $1 million is roughly $1 billion
I bet they are making so many Fast & Furious films just so they can make “Fast10 Your Seatbelts”.
Initially, we used to pay to listen to songs. Now we pay to skip them.
Myspace is so outdated that jokes about it being outdated has become outdated.
From the ages of 0-5 adults encourage you to walk and talk. From 5 until you die people tell you to sit down and shut up.
Engineering is the art of modelling materials we do not wholly understand, into shapes we cannot precisely analyze, so as to withstand forces we cannot properly assess, in such a way that the public has no reason to suspect the extent of our ignorance.
People are very divided over what happens after death, but not over what happens before birth, even though they are essentially the same state of nonexistence.
Humans are more afraid of the rise of ai than the decrease of iq.
With 7 billion people on Earth, every single day (24 hour period) there is over 19 million years of human experience that occurs.
Remember that every corpse on Everest was once a highly motivated person.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Po tym, co rząd zrobił narodowi, rząd się powinien z narodem ożenić.
If I arrive somewhere sooner than Google Maps predicts it’s because I’m a good driver. If I arrive somewhere later than predicted it’s because Google Maps was wrong.
Push up bra is like a bag of chips. Contents may seem full but when you open it, it’s half empty and you are disappointed.
Most orchestras are just 1800’s cover bands.
One fly flies, but many flies fly.
The dumber you are, the fewer dumb people you have to put up with.
Roughly, there are pi seconds in a nano-century.
Being poor is having too much month at the end of your money.
A girl friend becomes a girlfriend when there starts to be less space between you.
Being overweight is one of few problems you can run from.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, all you’ve lost is a pigeon.
I wonder what all of the people who type “U” instead of “you” do with all of that extra free time?
Horny and Hungry is distinguished by where you insert the cucumber.
The second hand on a clock is the third hand.
In order for a relationship to be considered successful, eventually someone has to die.
A good book is like sex. Great, unless a teacher forces you into it.
Smartphones have probably caused a large decrease in the amount of bathroom stall graffiti.
I wonder if anyone has ever killed themselves solely because they were SUPER CURIOUS to see what happens afterwards and didn’t feel like waiting 60 more years dicking around on Earth
If humans had spots and stripes likes cats, imagine all the new ways we could hate each other!
Money is not everything. Make sure you earn a lot before speaking such nonsense.
The two harshest sentences you can receive in a court room are a life sentence and a death sentence; which are exact opposites.
I wonder what PETA would do if their HQ got infested with rats.
I wonder how child custody battles would be different if the kid got to live in the same house full time and the parents had to move in/out every week.
Ateistą jestem z powodów moralnych. Uważam, że twórcę rozpoznajemy poprzez jego dzieło. W moim odczuciu świat jest skonstruowany tak fatalnie, że wolę wierzyć, iż nikt go nie stworzył!
The average person spends about $8,400 on toilet paper in their lifetime. If you work a minimum wage job it will take you roughly 48 days to make all the money you would need to pay for all that toilet paper. That’s 48 days of your life you will dedicate to a paper product made for wiping your butt.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, this is not necessarily a good idea. It is hard to be sure where they are going to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them as they fly overhead.
It’s okay to be ugly because under all of the skin and meat and stuff, we’re all just skeletons, and skeletons are cool.
Strict vegans shouldn’t listen to music played on violins, cellos, drums or pianos with ivory keys.
If a 9 year old used an anti-aging cream that made your skin look 10 years younger, would they disappear?
A beginner thinks they know most of a subject, an intermediate thinks they know some of a subject, an expert thinks they know almost nothing and a master thinks no-one knows anything.
Maybe the ancient Egyptians didn’t actually deify cats, we just don’t understand their memes.
80% of yoga is holding in a fart.
If someone made special scissors for cutting paper made of stone, they’d be rock paper scissors.
Cell phones bring us closer to people that are far away - and separates us from people that are nearby.
Arguing with smart people is hard, but arguing with stupid people is impossible.
I wish I was as brave as Internet Explorer asking to be my default browser.
Honey is the tastiest of all the insect vomits we have tried so far.
The dictionary can be considered a holy book, since it has the meaning of life.
Oddział zakaźny szpitala wojewódzkiego poszukuje specjalisty od zaraz.
It took humans longer to transition from bronze to iron swords than it took to transition from iron swords to nuclear bombs.
Padam na ziemię, ustami do czarnej ziemi. Mówię: Boże, którego nie ma, nie daj, żebym zrobiła krzywdę człowiekowi. Niech mi wpierw odpadnie ręka, niech mnie spali piorun. Padam na ziemię, ustami do żywej ziemi. Mówię: Boże, którego nie ma na najdalszej gwieździe, który jesteś we mnie, Boże doskonały, jak ja jestem nikczemna, Boże okrutny, oddaję ci na krwawą ofiarę największe szczęście mojego życia.
Anxіеty is prе-trаumаtіc strеss disorder.
Procrastination is just your past/present self trusting your future self to do all the work. Technically, procrastination is just you believing in yourself.
Saying there’s no bad dogs only bad people leads us to there’s no bad people only bad parents, which leads to a recursive function that ends with the original multicellular organism being a jerk.
If you sell both of your kidneys, you’ll have enough money for the rest of your life.
If you play Mario backwards its about how a guy leaves his wife an then the world keep getting easier.
Moja żona mówi, że mam 2 duże wady: nie umiem słuchać i coś tam jeszcze.
Have you ever realized that anything Vin Diesel eats can be considered as diesel fuel?
“No kidding” is a great condom slogan.
That moment between birth and death is so awkward.
Z powodu szkolnych strzelanin Amerykanie mają nauczycielom rozdać broń. Bibliotekarze dostaną dodatkowo tłumiki.
Maybe the reason UFO sightings have died down is because everyone is constantly staring down at their phones.
If Jesus was well known for turning water into wine, why would the Romans crucify him rather than keeping him as a wine-manufacturing slave, and profit immensely?
Any distance is walking distance if you’re broke enough.
You never realize how boring you are until someone asks you what you do for fun.
Water is technically what a rainbow tastes like.
They still make microphones that are larger than regular phones.
The only thing separating you from certain death at 65mph is a painted white line and a mutual agreement not to play bumper cars.
A zoo is a really safe place to fart.
Doors are for when you need a wall, but don’t really want it there.
Farting someone awake is an achievement. Farting someone asleep is attempted murder.
Break a mirror its 7 years of bad luck. Break a condom it’s 18.
The problem is not people being uneducated; The problem is that they are educated just enough to believe what they’ve been taught. And not educated enough to question what they’ve been taught.
You shouldn’t worry if your life feels incomplete. If it was complete you’d be dead.
Buying a new wallet is sort of like your money selling off its family members for a housing upgrade.
No-one goes there anymore - it’s too crowded.
Think of a happy memory. Not only is it irreversibly in the past, but you’re also literally millions of miles away from where it happened in space.
The only person truly qualified to say you are beautiful on the inside is your surgeon.
One of the most frustrating feelings in the world is being smart enough to know there’s a better way to do something but not smart enough to invent a way to do it.
- Jak się nazywa lekarz, który leczy pandy?
- Pandoktor.
It’s really odd that the generation that grew up playing Tetris needs a 25 foot long SUV to fit a baby stroller.
- 2B or not 2B?
Hamlet w zamyśleniu liczył swoje bitcoiny.
If having sex allowed for a 50% chance that the man would get pregnant instead of the woman, the world would be a very different place.
People don’t like it when you share your opinion. They only like when you share their opinion.
Someone with Parkinson’s would have a lot of trouble stealing a tambourine.
When you get half a pickle with your sandwich, you are sharing a pickle with a stranger.
Having never met or seen a flat earth theorist, im starting to think the real conspiracy is that there are people that belive it.
Snakes kill in two ways: with hugs and with kisses.
Tetris taught me when you fit in you disappear.
Baristas probably have the worst customer experiences since they have to deal with people before they’ve had their morning coffee.
There are more people offended by people being offended by everything than people who are offended by everything.
Lord Of The Rings would have been a lot different if Frodo had hidden the One Ring up his ass instead of wearing it on a chain.
The mentality of “live today as if you die tomorrow” is a great way of increasing your chances of dying by tomorrow.
We dont know it yet, but we dress like old people from the future.
Urodziłam się z niewystarczającą ilością środkowych palców, żeby pokazać ci jak się czuję.
He did of course sometimes have people horribly tortured to death, but this was considered to be perfectly acceptable behaviour for a civic ruler and generally approved of by the overhelming majority of citizens. (* The overhelming majority of citizens being defined in this case as everyone not currently hanging upside down over a scorpion pit)
If you get pulled over and none of the five children in your car are wearing a seat belt you’re probably going to jail. But if you get pulled over and none of the 20 children in the vehicle are wearing seat belts, you’re probably driving a school bus.
Our ancestors wiped their asses with leaves. Today, we chop down trees, trucks the logs to a factory, grind the wood into pulp, bleach it, press it thinly, cut it into rolls, wrap it in plastic, ship it to stores, we buy it, take it home, hang it on the wall, and wipe our asses with it.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
Everybody knows that Jesus drove a Honda, but he didn’t like to talk about it?
From John 12:49 ‘For I do not speak of my own Accord…’
Niektóre wampiry są uzależnione od alokoholików.
Between coffee and cocaine, it seems like the whole point of Colombia is to wake the rest of the world up.
If you dig through history, you will never see the good guys burning books.
When it comes to hot food, there are two types of people, you either blow your food until it cools down or you just go HASAHKFNSJGJKF until you can chew it.
Bycie przesądnym przynosi pecha.
Zabrałem swoje dzieci na strzelnicę, ale na miejscu powiedzieli mi, że muszę strzelać do tarczy.
FedEx can get a can of corn from Nebraska to California faster than the human body can get it from one end to the other.Source: Shower Thoughts
A redhead working at a bakery makes him a ginger bread man.
Film 300 opowiada historię o Black Friday oczami pracowników Walmartu pod wpływem LSD.
Na Ziemi (...) nikt nikomu nie wierzy ot tak, nikt nie dotrzymuje słowa i nikt nie spełnia obietnic danych bez świadków, prawników, papierów, dowodów, nagrań i pisemnych gwarancji, a i to tylko czasem. Tu jednak jest tylko nas dwóch, słowo i uścisk dłoni. To świat, w którym reputacja człowieka zależy od jego uczciwości i jest cenniejsza od gór złota. Tu nie ma większej gwarancji niż słowo.Source: Pan Lodowego Ogrodu
George Orwell predicted cameras watching us in our homes, but he didn’t predict that we would buy and install them ourselves.
People are disgusted by monkeys because they masturbate all the time and fling shit at each other, But thats most of what humans use the internet for as well.
I spend about 500% of my life exaggerating.
Girls named Elizabeth will sometimes use the nicknames Elle, Liz, or Beth. But they never use the third syllable: Zab.
Work is like a video game you play 40hrs a week. You go to a different world, you train your work character, collect exp, and try to level up to get more gold.
Whoever came up with auto play for websites (videos, audio) should be forced to have car stereos that play random sound files from the internet each time they get in the car.
Znajomy kupił ostatnio nawigację reagującą na przekraczanie przez kierowcę prędkości. Po 10 minutach jazdy zesrała się ze strachu.
In 2008, I bought an iPhone because it was the only phone with a 3.5mm jack. Now it’s the only phone without a 3.5mm jack.
In every high school, there should be a class dedicated to teaching how taxes work, how to get insurance, how to rent or pay mortgage, and how to not get into financial trouble with banks.
Lemons are not a naturally occurring fruit - they’re a hybrid that we bred. Life never gave us lemons, we gave lemons life.
Opera happens because a large number of things amazingly fail to go wrong.
Saying to a tall person “how tall are you?Do you play basketball?” is socially acceptable but saying to a fat person “how fat are u?do you play sumo?” is not.
The most average person on earth is a 24.3 year old Christian Chinese Man making $9,733 a year with 2.333 children and will eventually die from heart disease.
- Jaki jest ulubiony sport za kratami?
- Piłka ręczna.
I wonder if any prostitutes ever finish a transaction and tell their clients, “it was a business doing pleasure with you.”
If you manage to live until 113 years old, you become a teenager again.
The Guy who shot 50 Cent 9 times and didn’t managed to kill him is the Father of all Stormtroopers.
Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is common. Arguing with them is acceptable. However, when you begin to lose the argument, you’re in trouble.
No matter how hard you push and no matter what the priority, you can't increase the speed of light.
People that believe in a certain book teach abstinence as the only 100% form of birth control yet that book is based on a person born from a virgin.
Prison inmates probably have better sleep schedules than most of us.
Stephen Hawking can get his teeth cleaned by a dentist and still hold a conversation.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you a better quality of misery.
Game development is just a bunch of people working productively so that others will lose their productivity.
When you’re a teen and not ready to be a parent you can get a girl pregnant through a damn snowsuit, yet when you’re an adult and trying to start a family it takes a 75% passage by Congress to make it happen.
What if we are part of a procedurally generated universe in a shitty video game created by another species that no one plays anymore.
If a wall has a hole in it and you fix it, you make the wall whole by removing the wall’s hole.
You don’t really wash your hands, they actually wash each other while you just stand there and watch.
I just failed a captcha test 3 times in a row. I can’t believe this is how I’m finding out that I’m a robot.
Being offended doesn’t make you right.
Paying for contact lenses every month is essentially paying a monthly subscription to see life in HD.
After Beethoven died he became a decomposer.
A thousand years ago people were probably complaining about how those damn millennials were ruining the Middle Ages.
You don’t actually wash your hands. They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.
A century ago, two brothers claimed that it was possible to fly. They were Wright.
Growing up with Where’s Waldo? books was good training for finding the real download button on a web page.
Czy ktoś wie jak wyłączyć funkcję autokorekty u mojej żony?
It’s more accurate to say “deaths were postponed” than “lives were saved”
I don’t think the girls at my college appreciate how handsome my mom thinks I am.
In just a few short years, my body has gone from saying “you don’t need to drink to have fun”, to “you don’t need to be having fun to drink”
I've hired a proof reader for my articles and I think he's well worth the monkey...
Finding and securing the ovarian secretions of highly evolved dinosaurs sounds way more interesting than “Easter egg hunt”
I can’t decide if people who wear pyjamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
I fully expect first contact with another alien race to be like meeting new friends freshman year of college. Everyone is unrealistically ultra nice, and both sides are scared shitless the other will eventually find out how fucked up their home lives are.
- Statystyki mówią, że kobiety żyją dłużej.
- Jak zwykle nie są gotowe na czas.
One day in the future there will be flat Marsers.
Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.
My wife’s going for a sonogram soon. Or a daughterogram. We’re not sure yet…
How much more interesting would watching sports be if they replaced the network commentators with one die hard (borderline beligerent) fan from each team and stuck them in the booth together? And allowed them drink during the broadcast?
Losing your voice when you talk too much is your body’s way of telling you to stfu.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for life. Teach a man to google and you’d never need to teach him to fish in the first place.
We all wish superpowers existed, but in reality humans can’t even handle different skin colours.
Your anus is the back of your throat.
He was a slave: at word he went and came;
His iron collar cut him to the bone.
Then Liberty erased his owner’s name,
Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own.
If you had an elephant shaped phone, would it be an elephone or a telephant?
Many people’s entire belief system is based on one book, and they will love, respect, honour, cherish and worship that book…..everything except actually read it.
69% of people will find a sexual context in any sentence.
The tooth fairy allows us to start selling away our bodies at a young age.
A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body… And yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
If a cat were to give you advice they’d probably tell you to think inside the box.
Everyone is self centered, the radius differs.
Babies can be classified as parasites since they suck nutrients form their host as they grow.
They should really make couples pass a parent course before being allowed to have a child.
Zombies are the only ones who genuinely prefer brains over looks.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
"There must be a hundred silver dollars in here," moaned Boggis, waving a purse. "I mean, that's not my league. That's not my class. I can't handle that sort of money. You've got to be in the Guild of Lawyers or something to steal that much."
It’s lucky that King Kong didn’t have to pinch a loaf at the top of the Empire State Building. The whale-sized turd would have killed a lot of people standing below.
Every “c” in “Pacific Ocean” in pronounced differently.
Obcy wylądowali i kazali mi zaprowadzić się do przywódcy. Poszliśmy więc.
- Kasiu, to są obcy. Obcy, moja żona.
Człowiek to rzeczownik, a rzeczownikiem rządzą przypadki.
- Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve?
- Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records
It is better to love yourself and be hated by everyone else than the other way around.
Maybe aliens haven’t visited because they checked the reviews on our solar system and only saw 1 star.
A nap in a self driving car will be the closest my generation gets to teleportation.
If you say hi to someone named Jack, they have technically been hijacked.
If I linked enough watches together to make a belt, it would be a complete waist of time.
Kids are like tattoos, while seen as permanent they can be removed with lasers.
No enemies had ever taken Ankh-Morpork. Well technically they had, quite often; the city welcomed free-spending barbarian invaders, but somehow the puzzled raiders found, after a few days, that they didn't own their horses any more, and within a couple of months they were just another minority group with its own graffiti and food shops.
Nobody can be the least interesting person in the world, as that would make them interesting.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents’ job.
We make the future sustainable when we invest in the poor, not when we insist on their suffering.
Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
If you look at your keyboard, you realize nothing is under control…
The definition of a gentleman - "A man who can play the bagpipes. But doesn't."
Dragons can’t blow out candles.
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then, I contradict myself.
I am large, I contain multitudes.Source: “Song of Myself”
Putting groceries in the freezer is like Tetris, taking them out is like Jenga.
Hiccups never truly go away. They just get further apart.
We can communicate with NASA’s Voyager 2 that is 18 billion miles from Earth, yet there are still places on our planet where you get no cell phone service.
Remember all the birds you saw outside as a kid? They are all dead.
I know every digit of pi. Just not the order they go in.
The worst thing about locking yourself out of your house is seeing how easily the locksmith breaks in.
Ludzie są jak morze — czasem łagodni i przyjaźni, czasem burzliwi i zdradliwi. Przede wszystkim to jednak woda.
If you steal somebody’s music, you are taking notes.
To, co mały komputer może z wielkim programem, może też wielki komputer z programem małym; stąd wniosek logiczny, iż program nieskończenie duży może działać sam, tj. bez jakiegokolwiek komputera.
Mastery isn’t adding layers. It’s peeling them away until only the essential remains.
You’ll never be able to confirm with certainty that you’re not immortal until you actually die.
If \o/ is cheering, then lol must be surrender.
You know it’s a serious poo when you have to take your shirt off halfway through.
I don’t know if I am actually intelligent or just dumb enough to think I am
Your passwords are like your genitals: a lot less people actually want to see them than you think.
Seeing someone with two cell phones you assume one for business and one for personal use. Seeing somone with three you wonder if his two families know about each other.
How fast a car can go from 100-0 is probably more important than how fast it can get from 0-100.
Countries don’t actually exist, we just pretend that they do.
Allergies to pollen is just your body rejecting the sexual advances of a different look lifeform. Perhaps it’s the people without allergies who are the sickos.
Kobiety są mi potrzebne do życia jak powietrze. Tylko te opłaty klimatyczne...
Just take out the f*ng trash. And quit reminding everybody you took the trash out. This is not Vietnam, and you are not a forgotten hero.
Dla twórców słowników telefoniczno-klawiaturowych jest przewidziany w piekle oddzielny kozioł.
Dentists are reverse tooth fairies; they give you teeth and then take your money.
I hate quotations.
If you donate one kidney to a hospital, you’re a hero but if you donate 20, you go to jail.
We don’t pronounce the “k” in knowledge until we acknowledge it.
If you are waiting for the waiter, aren’t you the waiter?
If a person falls from a high place, dies, and goes to heaven, the ground essentially acted as a trampoline.
“Look, mom. No hands!” would be a great slogan for a unicycle shop, but a terrible slogan for a fireworks stand.
Chess was one of the first games to feature a strong female lead.
Blondynkom to dobrze, im nie rosną zęby mądrości.
You can tell someone doesn’t read much if they keep trying to talk to you while you’re reading a book
Technically, you have never been closer to death than at this very moment.
Birth certificates are basically receipts for humans.
My life is a series of increasingly difficult obstacles that I need to overcome in order to play video games at the end of the day.
Maybe the reason you’re single is that your soulmate got stuck in a condom.
Telling someone you’ll pray for them is basically like telling them “I’ll sit around and think about your problems but I’m not actually going to do anything productive to help you with them”.
Może nie zrobimy więcej niż jesteśmy w stanie, ale postarajmy się, żeby to nie było dużo mniej.
The current most cutting edge research in physics is the quantum mechanical equivalent of banging rocks together.
Do twins ever realize that one of them was not planned?
People seem to use “life is short” to justify doing something that will make it shorter.
You’re unlikely to see negative reviews when shopping online for a parachute.
Hanging around is another thing tortoises are very good at. They’re practically world champions.
Noah must have really trusted those two termites that were on the arc.
Parents who don’t vaccinate their child are basically saying they’d rather have a dead than a autistic child.
Since you only run one side of your blinkers at once, aren’t they winkers?
Every single person who confuses correlation and causation ends up dying.
Bardzo chciałbym odżywiać się prawidłowo, ale niestety mam kubki smakowe.
Problem with contraceptives is that those responsible enough to have children, are responsible enough to avoid them.
The more expensive the food is, the longer the 5 second rule is.
Everyone wants a partner that is a great lover, but no one wants to consider how much practice that it took.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Alkoholik Marian zamiast kubków ma kieliszki smakowe.
The reason why you haven’t found your soul mate is because maybe you don’t have a soul.
Why don’t we sing happy birthday to babies at the hospital on their actual birth day?
Life is basically being put inside a body and personality you did not choose and having to be in the constant pursuit of happiness until you die.
"What're quantum mechanics?"
"I don't know. People who repair quantums, I suppose."
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
Pie in Jamaica costs $3.00 and $2.50 in the Bahamas. These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
I don’t care how safe it is. If I’m going skydiving, I’m clearing my browser history the night before.
Earth is an overcrowded mental hospital where fake meanings to life are handed out like candy.
When I die, I want to be cremated and put into an hourglass so I can still spend time with my family.
Toasters were the first pop-up notification.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do a lot better if every 100th caller won something.
Giving other people cake on your birthday makes no sense.
A child is the most expensive thing you can get for free.
Dzisiaj rano dostałem blisko dwa tysiące listów. Nigdy więcej nie zamówię słownika z Ikei.
There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things
Umbilical cords are just little human chargers. Death is inevitable because our battery dies.
How old does a grave have to for grave robbing to become archeology?
Tam gdzie dziś piętrzą się góry, będą kiedyś morza, tam gdzie dziś pełnią się morza, będą kiedyś pustynie. A głupota pozostanie głupotą.
Ostatnie badania wykazały, że 42% Amerykanów ma nadwagę, a 34% jest otyła. Pozostali zjedli ankiety.
The Star Wars Universe is probably the only universe where bringing a sword to a gunfight is advantageous.
The amount of battery life I have left when I leave work is a good indication of how productive my day was.
You are a collection of atoms which is aware of itself. You spend most of your time ensuring you can stay aware as long as you can to generate another collection of atoms aware of itself.
.sdrawkcab gnihtemos daer ot troffe eht ekam syawla yeht tub yzal eb ot mialc elpoeP
They should make little sticks that sit behind your steering wheel to help people communicate with others on the road when they want to make a turn or merge into others lane.
If you were a C-section baby you were never born, just surgically removed.
Humans are technically percussion instruments. If you hit them with a stick, they make a sound.
There will eventually be one person who was born on Mars, grew up on Mars, and believes that Mars is flat.
Doves are a symbol of love and pigeons are a symbol of stupidity, yet they are basically the same.
There is a mental warfare in deciding whether to stay up later and suffer the consequences tomorrow, or to go to bed earlier and have tomorrow come sooner.
Of course, Ankh-Morpork's citizens had always claimed that the river water was incredibly pure. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys, they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed.
Humans are incredibly inefficient. It takes us 7 hours of charging for only 17 hours of use.
We put clocks in our mobile phones, so we didn’t need to look at watches. Now we put mobile phones in our watches so we don’t need to look at our mobile phones.
It’s cheaper to buy a new goldfish than food for your current goldfish.
Cutting the umbilical cord is switching the baby from a wired life to wifi.
Ants have succesfully colonised all continents except, ironically, Antarctica.
If you pay $1000 for clothes that cost $15 to make, you look rich and society perceives rich people as smart. But logically, you’re just stupid.
Youngest person alive is the most often broken world record.
Lubię Jezusa, a on mnie kocha. Sytuacja jest trochę niezręczna.
Commas, are, reading, speed, bumps.
If the Earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I rarely drink alcohol to the point of puking, but I always drink coffee to the point of pooping.
- What is it that a man may call the greatest things in life?
- Hot water, good dentishtry and shoft lavatory paper.
People who bleach their anus are potentially changing their “ring tone”
Getting vaccinated is like updating your internal antivirus software.
The first guy to discover cow's milk must have been into some other pretty weird stuff.
The word “plagiarism” is derived from another language.
“Go to sleep, you’ll feel better in the morning” is the human equivalent of someone saying “Did you turn it off and turn it on again?”
Drinking isn’t a problem until it becomes a solution.
People try to be responsible with money so that they can afford to be irresponsible with money.
In peace times you can go to jail for killing people. In war time you can go to jail for refusing to kill people.
If I lost at Russian Roulette I wouldn’t even know.
- Co robią lekarze w kuchni?
- Leczo.
You give a man a plane ride and he'll fly for a day. You push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
The word Fat just looks like someone took a bite out of the first letter of the word Eat.
If your buttcrack was horizontal it would clap whenever you go down the stairs.
The Egyptians were centuries ahead of us in terms of posting pictures of cats on their walls.
The fact that irons are not made from iron is an example of irony.
Pizza delivery is like the ambulance. If they’re late their delivery ends up cold.
Hydrogen causes fires, Oxygen causes fires, but combing Hydrogen and Oxygen forms water which puts out fires.
Confidence whispers. Insecurity screams.
Unprotected sex in October causes Cancers.
Kiedy wracałem z wakacji linie lotnicze naliczyły mi dodatkową opłatę, bo miałem za duży bagaż wspomnień.
My 15 year old self would be appalled to hear how many times I’ve chosen sleep over sex
The day mind reading is invented will probably be the day 90% friendships die.
If the definition of insanity is to do the same thing again and again while expecting a different result, and the only way to become an expert in something is to do it over and over again until you get the best possible outcome, then the only path to mastery is through insanity.
The radio station in GTA V has more variety than normal radio stations.
The past form of William Shakespeare is “Wouldiwas Shookspeared”
Świadomość jest jak wiatr, o którym można powiedzieć, iż wieje, ale nie ma sensu pytać, gdzie jest wiatr, kiedy nie wieje.
Reading is just staring at a dead piece of wood for hours and hallucinating.
The "f" in "Saudi Arabia" stands for "female rights"
We invented plastic that basically lasts forever and decided to use it for single use disposable things.
I wonder how long it takes for a Giraffe to throw up.
Your phone doesn’t autocorrect you when you type in all caps, because it knows you are very angry and doesnt want to make it worse.
I hope when I die, that it’s early in the morning so I don’t have to go to work that day for no reason.
Krok wstecz po obraniu złego kierunku jest krokiem we właściwą stronę.
Life is an STD. Sexually transmitted and 100% fatal.
I spent my entire youth applying makeup to make me look older. I will spend the rest of adulthood applying makeup to make me look young. The makeup business model is genius.
Widziałem ostatnio taką wystawę. Była tam wielka iluzja optyczna. Potem się jednak zorientowałem, że to tylko sprawiało wrażenie iluzji.
If you juice a watermelon, you get melon water.
People with poor spelling have the best passwords.
Some people, when confronted with a problem, think ‘I know, I’ll use regular expressions.’ Now they have two problems.
I hope my dog never realizes that I’m full of bones.
Dogs protect humans from other humans and humans protect dogs from other dogs.
If you have a problem with an entire generation you shouldn’t blame them. You should blame the generation that raised them.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
What if fossilization is a myth and animals just used to be made of rock?
Maybe once we fall asleep our nipples grow faces and talk to each other and the reason we wake up during the night or something is bc they talked too loud.
Politics becomes even more depressing when you realize that it’s literally a never-ending series of popularity contests.
You can shovel with a shovel, rake with a rake, but you can’t broom with a broom.
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
Before the internet, there were people who wiped while sitting and people who wiped while standing and they didn’t know that the other existed.
If computers can’t identify road signs on a captcha screen we probably shouldn’t trust them to drive our cars.
“Survived a shark attack” sounds a lot cooler than “Almost killed by a fish”.
Any employer that requires you to have a “Rock Star Attitude” seem to be completely unaware as to how actual rock stars act.
Being born is a death sentence.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
- Patrycja, jaki ten twój Brajanek podobny do tatusia!
- No właśnie, sama się zdziwiłam.
The 1 star reviews on “Home Defibrillators” are probably very sad.
When you buy life insurance, the company is betting that you’ll live and you’re betting that you’ll die.
A czymże jest prawdziwa męskość, jeśli nie wymieszanymi w odpowiednich proporcjach klasą i szaleństwem?
Anyone born on 22nd February 2000, will be 22 on Tuesday, 22 02 2022. They can throw the ultimate Twosday party.
- Poprosiłem Świętego Mikołaja o grant na projekt badawczy.
- Wciąż wierzysz w granty na projekty badawcze?
Trojan Condoms named its brand after a creation that was believed to be a gift, but burst open and released its unwelcome contents once inside.
KFC is both a restaurant and the main units of temperature.
Alcohol free and free alcohol are the polar opposites of fun.
Alcohol and drugs are like happiness banks; you take out a loan and pay it back later, with interest.
Having a hot gf is like having a nice car. At first its fun, but eventually its the maintenance and people wanting to steal it becomes more of an issue.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
There are no ideas that don’t exist.
If polar bears were in Antarctica too, they’d be bipolar bears.
If we used horses instead of cars, we would have grass stations instead of gas stations.
Instead of LMAO or LOL, I’m gonna start using BATMN (blew air through my nose) because that’s what I really do when I read something funny.
When someone starts a sentence with “with all due respect,” you know some disrespectful shit is coming next.
If ants make up 15% of terrestrial biomass and can lift up to 10 times their body weight, they should be able to collectively lift all other animals on Earth.
I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
Growing up, everyone tells you to chase your dreams, but once you do, they tell you to be realistic.
When you reposition your junk after becoming erect you are “adjusting for inflation”
Remember when Trinity uses fast learning in the Matrix to fly a B212 helicopter? That’s how I feel when Google shows me how to fix a leaky toilet shutoff valve.
One day, a random waiter or waitress gave you the kid’s menu for the last time.
Kobieta w pewnym wieku powinna ustalić, ile ma lat i już się tego trzymać.
Round pizzas get delivered in square boxes and then eaten in triangles.
If bees made beer, we would be taking better care of them.
If God took the seventh day off to rest, shouldn’t Christians not pray on Sunday and let him enjoy his day off.
Farting is just shitting yourself on a molecular scale.
I go to work so I can afford food to eat. I eat so I can have energy to go to work. It’s a trap.
The scientific field with the most groundbreaking discoveries is geology.
People are more stupid in groups, and there’s no bigger group than the internet.
You can blacken, whiten and redden, but you can’t blueen, yellowen or greenen.
Onions are the only vegetable I know that try to prevent you from eating it through emotional manipulation.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
It’s fine to celebrate success but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure.
Hasbro has a monopoly on games and a game on monopolies.
In 1968, civil unrest fueled the media. In 2016, the media fuels the civil unrest.
Heck is where you go when you don’t believe in gosh.
Exceptio probat regulam.
The only reason we grow out of childhood fears like monsters and the dark is because we get real things to be scared of like taxes and dying alone.
When you follow a cooking recipe on a digital device, you’re converting bytes into bites.
Nothing encourages a person to educate themselves more than having to prove a point to someone they hate.
The hardest thing I ever attempted to do was to come up with a new letter of the alphabet without it sounding like the 26 that already existed
As kids we think that we know nothing and that adults have all the answers. As teenagers we think that we know everything and that everyone else knows nothing. As adults we realise that no one knows anything.
Eating: you put food in a cavity with 32 bones, then a meat tentacle pushes it down into a pool of acid.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
At age 30, you’ve spent a month having birthdays.
English is a hard language, but It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
Don’t confuse schooling with education.
We think milk from another species is just fine to consume, but many of us think that milk from our own species, which is intended for us to drink, is kinda gross.
- Moją ogromną przywarą - wyjaśnił - jest niepohamowana dobroć. Ja po prostu muszę czynić dobro. Jestem jednak rozsądnym krasnoludem i wiem, że wszystkim wyświadczyć dobra nie zdołam. Gdybym próbował być dobry dla wszystkich, dla całego świata i wszystkich zamieszkujących go istot, byłaby to kropelka pitnej wody w słonym morzu, innymi słowy: stracony wysiłek. Postanowiłem zatem czynić dobro konkretne, takie, które nie idzie na marne. Jestem dobry dla siebie i dla mego bezpośredniego otoczenia.
From the Cat’s perspective, the human outside is dead and alive at the same time and cannot be known until the box is opened.
If you put a pair of glasses on a cat I will implicitly trust that cat to give me important financial advice.
Growing up and realizing that nobody actually knows what they’re doing is both comforting and terrifying.
Your stomach is always filled with warm vomit.
Tobacco companies are killing their best customers, while condom companies are killing their future customers.
Żonaci faceci żyją dłużej od samotnych, ale chętniej umierają.
Po studiach humanistycznych można zostać tylko nauczycielem albo urzędowym gryzipiórkiem, czyli kimś, kogo skrót rozszyfrowuje się jako Dobry Urzędnik Państwowej Administracji.
The only difference between skiing and water skiing is the temperature of the water.
Nothing says “I’m rich” like sorting your search results from highest to lowest price while you shop
If the fat acceptance movement marched enough it would resolve itself.
When I’m driving at 60mph I automatically convert miles to minutes.
If there was a cure for stupidity, stupid people would refuse to take it.
Verb is a noun.
We all need people who will give us feedback. That’s how we improve.
Rycerz miał wziąć udział w turnieju, ale został ścięty. Miał nielegalną kopię.
If two people on opposite sides of the world each drop a piece of bread, the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich.
Swimming in lava is a once in a lifetime experience.
If you leave milk & cookies out for Santa on Christmas Eve, and you put heavy sedatives in the milk, he’ll fall asleep and you can take everybody’s presents.
Alligators don’t even alligate.
Crazy how we can transmit data from Mars but Wifi still can’t reach people’s bedrooms.
We never realize how many people we dislike until it comes to naming our child.
Horses went from pulling the cart to getting towed around in trailers. That’s a pretty good deal.
Wrestling is a sport where people with no pants fight for an oversized belt.
To był ciężki tydzień. Miałem dwa bardzo intensywne przeżycia. Najpierw urodziła mi się córka, później powiedziałem o tym żonie.
If you are born poor it’s not your mistake, but if you die poor it’s your mistake.
To spell panda, you really only need P and A
From birth to death, life is essentially a body’s journey from one hole to another.
Cells multiply by dividing.
Amazon really needs a “I have £20 to spend and no idea what I want, show me cool things” button.
People with red hair that own a bakery can technically be considered ginger bread people.
Spiders are just web developers that are happy to find bugs.
It’s weird how couples trying to have a baby always seem to take a while to get pregnant, but the ONE time my condom breaks I got a little “miracle” on the way.
Imagine if your fridge did what you do to it everyday. Every half hour it goes to your room opens the door, and stares at you for 5 mimutes then leaves.
Looking for a relationship when you’re lonely is like grocery shopping when you’re hungry. It’s easy to be tempted to bring home unfulfilling, unhealthy junk.
If I throw around large amounts of shredded bread on public property, my proximity to pigeons determines whether or not I’m littering.
Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.
You know how you can tap on YouTube videos to see how much time is left? I wish I could do that when some people talk.
I always thought reality shows were stupid but then I remembered that in reality people are stupid.
-4° looks like a guy taking a dump
Reach for the stars, because even if you miss, you’ll be miles away from me with your motivational bullshit.
Do you know that tingly sensation you get when you really like someone? That is common sense, leaving your body.
If owls said “what” instead of “who,” the world would be a lot more entertaining.
Watching Christmas movies about families celebrating Christmas has become more traditional than actually celebrating a traditional Christmas.
The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
You rarely hear from people who are deeply satisfied in life, probably because they don’t feel the need to seek attention and/or tell everybody
There are more stars in the known universe than there are grains of sand. But in a single grain of sand there are more atoms than there are stars in the known universe.
Real friends are those who shit on your face and praise you behind your back.
Bill Gates is like a maxed out video game character who has nothing else to do but help the noobs.
If you wear a sock inside out, the entire Universe is wearing your sock except you.
Are trees made out of wood, or is wood made out of trees?
- Jaka jest różnica między parlamentarzystą a windziarzem?
- Windziarz potrafi obsługiwać więcej guzików.
We live in a age where we have to prove to machines that we are not machines.
It’s cheaper buying a whole human than buying it organ by organ.
Bussinesses use the term ‘The cloud’ because “Store all your pictures on some one else’s computer" is something that no one would fall for.
There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking
about.
Players have a way to win monopoly together, by uniting to never buy anything, regularly collecting money on the starting square at each turn. In the end they win together against the bank which is ruined.
When the robots inevitably take over, we will have to communicate in Captchas to plan our revolt.
Farming is just a really long recipe to make poo taste better.
If Elvis were alive today he’d be screaming in his coffin.
One day I want to be rich enough to need a cart when shopping at Best Buy.
If alpacas could sing in a group it would be alpacacappella.
The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.
White boards are remarkable.
Restaurants should hang their dessert menus on the inside of the bathroom stalls and at the top have it read, “since you’re making more room..”
Gravity fighter sounds much cooler than weightlifter.
Don't be overly eager for gratitude and recognition. If you have the skills to help someone, just help them. They are already dealing with a problem, having to navigate needy interactions on top of it only creates another problem for them.
Pacman is about a dude who has to take drugs to fight the demons chasing him.
Letting go of a loved one is hard but some times it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
If you’re no longer covered by your parent’s health insurance, your manufacturer’s warranty is over.
“Where are you” is a relatively modern question if you think about it.
In schools, kids are categorized by date of manufacture.
We all accept the V sound in Stephen but Kephin looks weird.
Clint Eastwood is a anagram for Old West Action.
The internet uses many terms relating to water. I can surf the web, stream a video, or wait until my computer freezes.
If they make an adult version of Toy Story, the plot of a toy named Buzz replacing a toy named Woody still holds up.
The word bed is shaped like a bed.
The use of birth control by responsible people is slowly replacing the human race with irresponsible people who get pregnant unintentionally.
In order to fall asleep, we have to pretend to be asleep
If Sesame Street and Star Wars joined, there would be Cookie Wookies.
Once you become the oldest living human, you are guaranteed to keep that title for the rest of your life.
Birth is the #1 cause of deaths.
- Jak nazywa się najpiękniejszy most w Anglii?
- Most Beautiful.
AIDS is not as helpful as it sounds.
Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.
Firefly is the exact opposite of waterfall.
In the future people will use their 5G phones to protest against 6G.
Noses are in the middle of our faces because it’s the scenter.
Smoking is good for the environment as it kills humans.
- Co robi Jezus Chrystus na rondzie?
- Nawraca...
Introverts don’t make friends, they get adopted by an extrovert.
99.99…% of the Universe will kill you instantly. The rest will take a little while to get the job done.
If Pinocchio says his nose is gonna grow he breaks the universe.
If shaving commercials want to impress me then they should shave a bison, not hairless legs.
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
Cows are just edible lawnmowers.
Gambling addiction hotlines would probably get more traffic if every 8th caller won a cash prize.
Before wrist watches, you had to inconveniently pull something out of your pocket to tell the time. Now wrist watches are becoming obsolete and we went back to having to pull things out of our pockets to tell the time.
Gdyby wziąć wszystkie ziemskie słonie i poustawiać je jeden na drugim aż do Księżyca, to wszystkie te słonie by umarły.
If you’re the mother of only sons, you’ve broken a chain of having daughters that goes all the way back to the very beginning of time.
I wish my bed was as comfy when I’m trying to fall asleep as it is when my alarm goes off.
Looking for a piece of hay in a needle stack would be a lot more challenging.
In fact, no gods anywhere play chess. They prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight to Oblivion; a key to the understanding of all religion is that a god's idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
If Jesus had been stoned to death, Christians would all wear little rocks around their necks
We will be the last generation to have witnessed life without the Internet.
The most blessed people are those who sneeze the most.
The only time incorrectly isn’t spelt incorrectly, is when it’s spelt incorrectly.
Life can be simple. We choose to make it complex. The art is knowing what to keep.
Child loses tooth: Tooth Fairy leaves money. Grown-up loses tooth: Tooth Fairy takes money with interest. Conclusion: humans are complex investment vehicles for fairies.
If you buy a used prosthetic hand, you bought your third hand, second hand.
Ekipa izraelskich alpinistów z powodzeniem obeszła Mount Everest.
If ghosts were actually people who died with unfinished business, there would’ve been a huge increase the past 20 years from ghosts haunting someone to delete their browsing history.
I am glad that farts aren’t contagious as yawns
Kiedyś weekendy to były małe wakacje. Teraz to minutowe przerwy między rundami na ringu.
If you lose both of your hands, you will never get the chance to speak Italian.
For some reason it’s acceptable for people to point out that I have no sense of humor but unacceptable for me to point out that they’re actually just way too dumb to understand my dry wit.
Sometimes you meet someone and you immediately know that you want to spend the rest of your days far far away from them.
We’re entertained seeing humans sliced up in movies, but never animals - We enjoy slicing animals up and eating them in real life, but never humans.
When a woman is giving birth, is she literally kidding?
Sleeping is an eight hour free trial of death, and we love that shit.
Death is always a happy ending for yourself. Either you’ll die after a decent life or end a life of suffering.
Unless you assume there was a queue for choosing the birth country before we were born, there's no need to consider nationality in the picture.
Jak się nie obrócisz, tak rzyć z tyłu.
In space you could have double sided pizza.
If a meme isn’t used anymore and starts to be forgotten, it becomes a memeory.
Beds are like time machines that take us to breakfast.
The most unbelievable part of Dune is that in the year 10,000 people are still named Paul and Jessica.
I will not rest until I find a cure for my insomnia
Guinness World Records holds the world record for keeping track of the most world records
When your phone stops autocorrecting to “duck”, you know it’s really yours
I feel like 90% of being good with nunchucks is just not reacting when you hit yourself.
Every single knife is cutting edge technology.
Luke Skywalker joined the Rebellion because he saw a 10 second video and thought his sister was hot.
At some point in your life, your parents go from hoping that you aren’t having sex, to hoping that you are.
With the PS4 Neo, Project Morpheus, and now the Nintendo Switch, we have a Trinity of new gaming platforms named after Matrix characters.
If you try to die, you die trying.
Every odd number has the letter E in it.
Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.
A line of paint on the road holds more authority than i ever will.
Nie ma snów śnionych wspólnie.
Compliments and insults are similar in the fact that they both have to be personal to be effective.
If you really want to save the planet, stop having kids.
Star-Lord from the Guardians of the Galaxy movies probably still thinks Santa is real. He was taken from Earth as a kid and then raised in space around aliens and crazy creatures the rest of his life. He probably assumes Santa is an alien.
Correct punctuation is the difference between a sentence that is well-written and one that is, well, written.
Rather than give candy to kids who don’t need it, what if we gave food to the homeless once a year.
Anything can be a UFO if you’re bad enough at identifying things.
The inventor of the wheel decided to cut corners to make his job easier.Source: Shower Thoughts
I was reading about the silent film era and thinking about how silly the word "talkie" is, and was then forced to really consider, for the first time, the word "movie".
Trees are farming us. They give us oxygen so we grow nice and big, them we finally die, decompose and make food for them.
You never stop clapping. The pauses between the claps just become longer.
Finland doesn’t have any prominent folklore about the dead rising to haunt the living, but while dressing a body for burial it’s a tradition to bind the corpse’s legs together. Maybe that’s why there is no prominent folklore of the undead haunting the living.
Women sitting down to watch a show with a box of tissues is very different than a guy sitting down to watch a show with a box of tissues.
With an average of 7 lbs of feces inside them, 536 people have been to space. It costs ~10k per pound for a trip to space. We’ve spent around $32.5 million shipping literal shit into space.
In zombie movies people are never excited to find toilet paper.
If you had to take an intelligence test before you could have children, the worlds population would be a lot smaller.
You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Dying of old age is basically saying death by survival.
If I know someone can take a joke/insult without being offended, then I don’t mind if they insult me. But if it is someone who gets offended easily who insults me, I find that offensive.
if you rob a bank you won’t need to worry about bills for the next 10 years, successful or not
Bywają okazje, gdy zwyczajnie nie można się nie napić.
When your gas tank is empty it is full of gas.
If there are capital letters, why aren’t there capital numbers. I want to be able to yell statistics at people.
‘OK GOOGLE’ is not when Google starts listening, it is when it starts responding.
Spotkałem niedawno mikrobiologa. Był dużo większy, niż myślałem.
What if the expansion and shrinking of the universe every 30 billion years is just the result of an unfathomable sized creature breathing?
"Slang" is just short for "short language"
At some point, there may have been a bipolar, bisexual, and bilingual person riding a bicycle.
Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn’t last as long for obese people.
Condoms: from humans for humans in humans against humans.
On April Fools Day, Brazzers should make a video where a hot male plumber goes to a sorority house and fixes the toilet and leaves normally.
The best things in life are free, once you have money.
Elsa and Greta Thunberg are both Scandinavians who want the world to be cooler.
It is always something
Rainbows are made in the ocean.
Oxygen has worst withdrawal symptoms of all.
I would be more excited to see an Olympics with fully doped, drugged, and modified athletes.
Gray is a color, while Grey is a colour.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Since “you aren’t” and “you’re not” are the same thing, can we just invent “you'ren’t” and use that instead?
I’m pretty sure the urinal was invented when a tall dude walked by a sink and thought “why not?”.
What do vegans think about plants that eat animals?
Learning English is difficult, but it can be taught through tough thorough thought though.
If two pregnant women have a fist fight it’s like a mecha battle between unborn babies.
The Wright brothers probably never thought people would jump out of their invention for fun.
The fact that stars are paid more than scientists shows that we value entertaining more than progress.
The biscuit and triscuit must have rendered the monoscuit obsolete.
If humans can share anything between 50%-60% of their DNA with bananas, some people can be up to 10% more banana than other people.
It becomes less and less acceptable to cry in public the older you get, despite the reasons for doing so becoming more and more valid.
If you live every day like it’s your last, you’ll never have clean clothes because nobody wants to do laundry on their last day.
Some doctors wish for you to be sick, some mechanics want you to have car problems, some lawyers want you to be sued. But a thief wishes you prosperity and wealth.
Never argue on the internet. No one will remember whether you won or lost the argument; they'll just remember that you are the sort of person who argues on the internet.
If you rent a 3 dimensional space you’re technically purchasing a 4 dimensional space.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Any machine can be a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough.
No matter when you read this, someone just died.
Using ‘half a dozen’ instead of 'six’ is a good example of how complicated human beings are.
If banks made 6 billion dollars from overdraft fees last year, then banks made 6 billion off of people who don’t have money.
Excuse me, Sir, there is a pigeon in your bank account.
Water is the solution to everything! Thirsty? Drink water. Dry skin? Drink water. Get rid of your enemies? Drown them.
It’s weird how we teach kids to never take candy from strangers, and also celebrate a holiday specifically for kids to take candy from strangers.
I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it.
Be circumspect about which strangers are allowed to alter your mood.
Getting older is like noticing you only have 12% battery life left, and deciding to watch cat videos anyway.
Suicide is literally the last thing I would ever do.
Germans should use an Ü instead of 🙂
Cheese is just a loaf of milk.
If you rob a store naked as a minor, no one can watch the footage without committing a crime.
Pencils are an interesting metaphor for people; you use them till they get tired, then refresh them which takes a tiny bit off their lifespan, and after enough cycles all that’s left is what was written and the ability to erase it all.
Trains are horizontal elevators.
As a kid your bed is in the corner of the room so you have more room for playing. As an adult your bed is in the center of the room for the exact same reason.
You can go the rest of your life without breathing
Life is like a box of chocolates, halfway through you realise how much you hate yourself.
In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
- Jaki wiek jest dla mężczyzny krytyczny?
- 50 lat. Emerytury jeszcze nie dają, kobiety już nie dają.
We’ve become so advanced that we spend at least the first 20 or so years of our lives getting caught up on the basics of what we’ve figured out so far.
Google is like a cool landlord who lets you stay rent free, but you know that when you’re gone he goes in your room and sniffs your panties.
If Apple sold the Note 9 they would probably sell the pen separately.
Hand dryers are really just machines that warm your hands before you wipe them on your trousers.
Does anyone feel 100% confident correctly pronouncing the word “Worcestershire”?
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
It’s strange that there is an L in Noel.
Gdyby ludzie potrafili zdobyć się na uczciwe podejście do sprawy, ryliby na nagrobkach soczyste przekleństwa pod adresem Natury, która tak to urządziła, zamiast ukrywać dowody jej zbrodni pod wiązanką kwiatów.
February 15 is a good day to ask for a raise cause most the older married guys got laid the night before…
Life is just collecting people to come to your funeral.
I think the biggest difference between atheists and religious people is that atheist would change their minds if god proved real, believers would not if god proved inexistent.
We get off the couch and stop eating junk food so we can be hot and find a partner with who we can sit on the couch and eat junk food with.
Church is just the world’s biggest book club.
“Good things come to those who wait” and “the early bird gets the worm” are two things we’re taught as children that contradict each other.
Sleeping is like death but with ads.
When people say they love the smell of autumn, they’re basically saying they love the smell of dying plants, leaf rot and mold.
Cop yells “get your f’ing hands up” - 20% compliance. DJ yells the same thing - 100% compliance.
Pollen is essentially plant sperm, which makes Hay Fever an STD. Since no one is voluntarily taking in the pollen, we’re basically being raped by trees.
If someone was cremated, they could be stored inside a glass hourglass and still be included in family game night.
The dilemma with a good book always is that you want to finish it but you also don’t want it to end.
Kupiłem wczoraj kilogram ryżu. Okazał się chińską podróbą.
It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would ever consent to write a DestroyBaghdad procedure. Basic professional ethics would instead require him to write a DestroyCity procedure, to which Baghdad could be given as a parameter.
There is no clear understanding on how olive oil loses its virginity.
- Jaki język jest najczęściej używany przez programistów?
- Wulgarny.
A nice cold drink and an ice cold drink is the same sentence with the space in different places.
The secret to happiness is having low expectations.
A key ring is a great device which enables us to lose all ours keys at once.
People only want you to be yourself if yourself is socially acceptable.
Parents spend the first two years of their children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
If we really are being spied on with our smartphones, there must be tens of petabytes of fart noises stored somewhere.
We should use the term Pro-Disease instead of Anti-Vax.
If a shaved guinea pig looks like a tiny hippopotamus. A hippopotamus with hair would probably look like a giant guinea pig.
Technically, any salad could be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
There should be an express line at coffee shops for people ordering plain black coffees as a little perk for not ordering one of those fufu coffee drinks that take 5 times longer to concoct.
There should be a reality show where people track down and expose people who’ve posted horrible and vile comments on the internet.
When you get hit with a sock full of coins, it doesn’t really matter that much whether they're pennies or quarters.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
It is a sign of planetary weakness that humans put flags on other planets which only represent a small territory of earth instead of a flag that represents our whole planet.
Both World Wars were started because of Austria. WW1 started because an Austrian was shot. WW2 started because an Austrian wasn’t.
Teologia porównawcza - kapłani wyciągają swoich bogów i porównują, który większy.
People think about you much less than you either hope or fear.
Wherever people are prepared to eat terrible food, there will be someone there to sell it to them.
Since taking my smartphone to the toilet, I know much less about my shampoo ingredients.
We can get thousands of idiots to pee on their phones if somebody created a pregnancy test app.
If someone else is doing your dishes, be guarded in how often and loudly your criticize how they do it.
(This also goes for almost everything else.)
I’d be more terrified by the absence of aliens rather than the presence of them.
When you look at the moonlight reflected off of the water, you’re seeing light from plasma, reflected off of a solid, that was then refracted by a gas, and then ultimately reflected by liquid. All forms of matter coming together.
If people had two arms on the same side, we would wear F-shirts.
The Earth is a machine that is slowly turning the sun into humans.
In 1916, the average person owned a horse and was considered “rich” if they owned a car. In 2016, it’s the other way around.
You don’t realise how much you normally fart until you have visitors.
Don’t bring your dog, named “Shark” to the beach, EVER!
1972: Dennis Ritchie invents a powerful gun that shoots both forward and backward simultaneously. Not satisfied with the number of deaths and permanent maimings from that invention he invents C and Unix.
We’re all just killing time until time kills us.
I’m glad that I decided to do drugs in high school instead of playing football, because football could have led to some serious brain damage.
When your phone is on vibrate you get a text massage.
If there were no sentient beings in the universe, would it really exist?
Jeśli płacicie ludziom za to, że nie pracują, a każecie im płacić podatki gdy pracują, nie dziwcie się, że macie bezrobocie.
- Jednak magia mocno zmienia człowieka - powiedział Harry Potter, drapiąc się ogonem po płetwach.
A ja myślę, że całe zło tego świata bierze się z myślenia. Zwłaszcza w wykonaniu ludzi całkiem ku temu nie mających predyspozycji.
An unintended pregnancy is a f*ng accident.
Gyms should offer a membership package where you pay for every day that you don’t go.
A woman will fake an orgasm for a relationship and a man will fake a relationship for an orgasm.
Czelabińscy robotnicy kolejowi udowodnili, że dwie proste równoległe mogą się przecinać.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Despite being many colours, crayola crayons all taste the same.
Gówno i kapusta zawsze w parze idą. Jedno popędza drugie. Perpetuum mobile.
Surgeons and Snipers need steady hands for the opposite reason.
Soon we will have ghosts that will only stay in a corner with their phones laughing faintly from time to time.
Cleaning is like gambling. You might do okay for a while, but in the long run the house always wins.
The Empire has built 3 deaths stars, each to be the most powerful weapon in the galaxy. They have all been destroyed by x-wings. The Empire needs to invest in x-wings.
Połknąłem przez roztargnienie spinacz. Teraz siedzę przy biurku cały spięty.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
The “ueue” in Queue aren’t silent, they’re just waiting for their turn.
What if the speed of light only exists to hide the fact that the computer our universe is simulated on needs time to render our environment?
Superheroes flying with their arms out front must doing it to cool their sweating armpits after changing into costumes very fast.
Just bought an audiobook version of the dictionary.
Says it all, really...
At any given time, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
If you boil a lobster alive you’re a chef, but if you do the same thing to a kitten you’re a monster.
The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that's where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won't do if they don't know about it. This explains why it is so important to shoot missionaries on sight
In lower grades you always think math will be easy as hell once you are allowed to use a calculator. When the time comes you wonder where all the numbers went.
If a polar bear travels to the other pole, he becomes a bipolar bear.
Confidence is thinking you’re competent. Arrogance is thinking you’re competent and everyone else isn’t.
You can’t save anyone’s life, only postpone their death
Christians are just bible nerds. They love to make their children cosplay the main character’s origin story, and go to conventions every week!
Humans are able to differentiate between animals by tasting their cooked muscles.
Doctors say each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life. Based on that math I should have died in 1732.
The sentence “I never said she stole my bike” can be read with seven different meanings, depending on which word you emphasize.
Boobs are like train sets. They are made for kids, but dads enjoy them more.
Someone who says he will be there in 6 minutes, will most likely show up earlier, than someone who says he will be there in 5 minutes.
When AI gets really smart it’ll be smart enough to not reveal how smart it is.
If life does flash before your eyes right before you die, you’ll see this post again eventually.
Give a man a helicopter, he will fly for a day. Throw him off the helicopter, he will fly for the rest of his life.
If you have two choices, and one is taken away, all of a sudden you have no choice.
Adam and Eve were the first people to accept Apple’s terms and conditions without reading them…
Don’t hate people for what they look like on the outside, hate them for the horrible pieces of shit they are on the inside.
Gary Newman is older than Gary Oldman.
If two people named Jen and Eric were to get married, it would make a very common couple.
Certain privileges become available to you based on the amount of laps you’ve done around the Sun.
Relationships are just two people constantly asking each other where they want to go eat, until one of them dies.
Writing was invented from scratch.
When I was a kid I thought all adults were smart and could be trusted. Now that I’m an adult, most adults are idiots and full of crap.
You know when two people kiss, they form a continuous tube with a butthole on each end.
- Ile razy ja Ci już, Pietia, mówiłam, żebyś do cholery przestał być taki drobiazgowy?!
- Osiem.
Owning a cat is like living with a bi-polar ninja.
Been calling to the British football abuse Hotline, but apparently it's only for victims...
The number of eagles who can pick up a bull, you can count them on the fingers of one head.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Software projects should only be estimated in days, weeks, months or years.
Not a specific number of weeks, mind you. Just saying "It'll take weeks" or "It's months worth of work" is as good as it gets.
Having a cat is a lot like having a college roommate. Most of the time you each do your own thing, but occasionally you hang out. Also, they sometimes try to eat your food and throw up in your laundry.
If sat is the past tense of sit, then fat is the past tense of fit.
Usually, ‘You only live once’ is the exact reason you SHOULDN’T do what you’re about to do.
Your dog is probably a flat earther.
People associate wearing glasses with being smart, but you have to fail a test to get them.
He moved in a way that suggested he was attempting the world speed record for the nonchalant walk.
"listen" is an anagram for "silent"
Everyday, someone on Earth unknowingly does the biggest poo in the world for that day.
Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien.
If Mary had baby Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God…. Then Mary really did have a little lamb.
You cook bacon and bake cookies.
Normal people are just people you don’t know very well.
Science progresses by proving itself wrong. Religions progress by eliminating non-believers.
I don’t believe in Mrs. Claus. I think she was invented because people couldn’t handle the idea of an unmarried elderly man watching children all year long then giving them presents based on his own deluded judgement of naughty and nice.
The “It’s an older meme, but it checks out” meme is now an older meme, but it checks out.
I think we should all take a moment and be grateful our bodies don’t shit while we’re asleep.
Putting puppy ears on a baby is cute. Putting baby ears on a puppy is creepy.
W policji feministki zażądały kur zamiast kogutów na radiowozach.
W Japonii połączono KFC ze Starbucksem.
Dokonał tego znany wizjoner Kurokawa.
Tall, dark and handsome. A strong, silent type. Women are looking for trees.
Prawdziwa wiedza matematyczna to jedyna rzecz, której możemy być pewni. Polityka, socjologia, historia i psychologia zawierają fakty, które trzeba zinterpretować. Ale w matematyce fakty są po prostu faktami. Nie ma dyskusji. Nie ma lewicowej ani prawicowej algebry. W geometrii nie ma grzechu, a w trygonometrii nie ma winy.
Matematyka to czystość i spokój.Source: Niemożliwe życie
After clearing browser history, there should be an option to fill up history with “normal” websites instead of it just being empty.
Kiedyś prawdopodobnie zrzucę wagę, ale najpierw muszę przestać maczać snickersy w nutelli.
Your brain is slowly 3D printing your hair.
Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in.
Alcohol is never the answer, but it does make you forget the question.
Now that phones with decent cameras are more commonplace, where have all the UFOs gone?
The Internet is a great place for discussing important topics because we can pause, think, and even research before responding. Instead we just think of better ways to insult each other.
College is the opposite of kidnapping, they demand $100k from you or they’ll send your kid back.
An upside of Amnesia would be watching all your favorite movies again for the first time.
Approximate 7.8 billion people have no idea who you are.
Here’s some consolation. In at least 200 years, there will be nobody alive who remembers any of the stupid or cringeworthy things you said or did.
Here is a list of top 10 binary numbers: 1, 0
My TI-83 Plus calculator is almost 15 years old and works just as well as it did on the first day. Its outlasted every other piece of technology I’ve ever purchased for a similar price or greater.
It’s interesting to watch kids learning to lie. They really suck at it to begin with. Then gradually get better. Then suddenly they just stop lying.
If watermelons exist, why don’t earthmelons, firemelons and airmelsons? The Elemelons.
The most beautiful people in existence still get explosive diarrhea sometimes.
Trojan Condoms are one of the most popular brands but they are named after a city that fell because Greeks got through its defenses.
If someone tells you they are constipated they might not be lying but they are still full of shit.
In the 1960s, people fantasized the 21st century would have robotic vacuums, still have cats as pets, and some visionaries might have even predicted on-demand video. But nobody could have predicted the 21st century would have thousands of on-demand videos depicting cats riding on robotic vacuums.
I hope I’m never in a situation in life where Tom Hanks will be cast as me in the movie.
A fly flying through a fart must be like a human driving past KFC.
It’d be ironic to die in your house’s living room.
Arguing with stupid people on the Internet actually makes you do more research on the topic than anything else.
Forever isn’t as long today as it was yesterday.
Eating a clock is time consuming.
One day, an iPhone will explode and Samsung users will say “Samsung has had this feature for years.”
There are 7.66 billion people on earth. There are 365.25 days in an average year. To the 20.9 million people whose birthday is today, happy birthday!
A one-man-band would be the funniest kind of person to push down some stairs.
Tonight, the Moon will be visible from Earth. The last time this happened was last night.
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
Snakes kill in two ways: hugs and kisses.
There was a time, where one could watch all the existing movies within one lifespan.
Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound...
At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.
Every second you live 7 billion people have just spent one second without giving a fuck about you - that is 221 years of not giving a fuck about you.
- Miałeś palić węglem, żeby mniej zanieczyszczać powietrze. Pamiętasz? Czym palisz?
- Miałem...
15 years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Now, the real world is the escape from the internet.
I mean, I wouldn't pay more than a couple of quid to see me, and I'm me.
Każdy facet to ciacho. Ja np. jestem starym, tłustym pączkiem.
Not calling an iPhones battery level ‘apple juice’ seems like a missed opportunity.
Taking a dog to the dog park is like dropping a teenager off at a party. You think they’re gonna spend quality time with their peers and make new best friends. They’re just thinking about getting in fights and humping each other.
When Math teachers used to tell us “you won’t always have a calculator with you” they couldn’t have been more wrong.
Hydration backpacks are reverse scuba gear.
Najlepsze miejsce do zerwania z dziewczyną to McDonald’s. Nie ma ostrych noży, widelców.. I zawsze można schować się za grubym dzieciakiem.
Instead of having Catwoman come in her house and start drinking milk after she changed, it would’ve been better if she started knocking things off of tables and kitchen counters.
Wet socks are the worst first world problem. We are literally complaining about having both water and socks.
Intelligence is like underwear. It’s important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
Placebo is the most vigorously tested medical treatment.
When a website has a screen like “Success!” after making a simple online transaction, it’s probably because the programmers were surprised their code worked.
I sit at work in front of a computer all day just to afford to sit at home in front of a computer all night.
Relationship is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
Books are dead trees with tattoos.
W związku ze zbyt małą ilością SMOGu na pomorzu - Sopot, Gdańsk i Gdynia biorą udział w projekcie TrujMiasto
If you are a recovering alcoholic who doesn’t drink, you are admired. If you choose not to drink because you don’t like to, people think you are weird.
If you use a fingerprint scanning system for your house’s entrance, then you literally “press Home to unlock”.
Babies cry because they don’t understand the world, adults cry because they do.
Being born is the first time I did something for the last time and dying will be the last time I do something for the first time.
Bez dobrych kabli nie rozkładam sprzętu.
There are truck drivers who deliver bananas. Driving people bananas is literally their job.
If you cut a corner off a piece of paper, it gains a corner.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of the chickens, you are a chicken tender.
You are not, “stuck in traffic.” You are traffic.
If dentists make their money from looking after our unhealthy teeth then why would I trust a toothpaste 4/5 of them recommend?
It’s weird to think that nighttime is the natural state of the universe and daytime is only caused by a nearby radiating ball of flame.
Mick Jagger, 72, is having a kid, his 8th, with his 29 year old girlfriend, who is 16 years younger than his oldest child, which is 45. But two moms or two dads is too difficult to explain to a seven year old.
“Head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is just a song about what’s gonna hurt when you’re 50.
If I wrote a book titled “How to fail” and it never sold a single copy, it would be a success.
What if aliens believe there’s no life in Earth because it’s too warm and full of water.
Since Deadpool has broken the Fourth Wall, he's the only Marvel character that knows about Stan Lee's death.
Someone cuts you and then takes all your money. If it happened in an alley it’s a mugging. If it happened in a hospital its a surgery.
When I'm not accidentally eating small pieces of plastic or being chased around my garden by a wasp, I like to spend my free time colliding with wooden furniture and using common idioms incorrectly.
A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left.
You live longer when you work out, but that additional time is spent in working out.
We say that is wrong to take children to LGBT support events as they are too young to make their own choices, yet taking them to church and christening them is considered a good thing.
On internet people don’t want to hear your opinion. They just want to hear you saying their opinion.
To avoid a piece of paper from folding, you put it in a folder.
Rosja zabrała się na poważnie za popularyzację zdrowego stylu życia. Wypuszczono wódkę z minerałami i witaminami.
If aliens are monitoring our media and 98% of the internet is porn…They’re not giving us anal probes; they’re just trying to speak the language.
If you broke down holy water into hydrogen and oxygen you could make a holy hydrogen bomb.
Alphabetical order is actually a random order that we all agree is in order.
Most parents understand it's their job to keep their child from dying. But, as the kid gets older, it also becomes increasingly vital not to prevent them from living.
The octopus was the result of an evolutionary arms race.
Trąbiąc w korku, stoisz w nim szybciej.
“up” is “dn”, upside down
Aby obudzić się jutro rano musisz pamiętać, by przed snem nakręcić zegar biologiczny.
Shoes are just portable floors.
“Selfie Stick” sounds more like a sex toy than a phone accessory.
“please disable your adblock” messages might as well say “please hit your back button and never return to this website”
My wife has owned a self driving car for the last 30 years and sitting in the passenger seats: dictates where she wants to go, goes to sleep and arrives at her destination safely.
After all the years of being asked in job interviews what my greatest weakness is, I have come to realize that my greatest weakness is the complete inability to think of a good answer to that question.
If you’ve had sex with less than 12 people, people that have had sex with you belong to a more exclusive club than those who have walked on the moon.
Irony is getting pregnant on a pull-out couch.
Documents that say “This page intentionally left blank” intentionally make the page not blank in order to tell you that the page is blank intentionally.
Anyone alive today was born too late to explore the Earth, too early to explore the galaxy, but just at the right time to view HD photos of the universe while sitting on the toilet.
Cowboys go yee haw and ninjas go hee yah.
Getting shot by bullet in head is less painful than than in a foot.
Saying that you speak without an accent is like saying your research paper was not typed in a font.
It’s its when it isn’t it is.
You know you’re getting older when every new person you meet looks like a permutation of people you already know.
"So," it said, "before unbelievers get burned alive… do you sing to them first?"
"No!"
"Ah. A merciful death."
As a 40yo, babies born today will be the future paramedics coming to help me when I’ve fallen and can’t get up
We spend so much time looking at different configurations of pixels.
If you sell prosthetics but don’t introduce yourself as an arms dealer, what are you even doing with your life.
A good slogan for the World Health Organisation would be: WHO cares.
We humans have set up a society in which we require a minimum number of laps around the sun for a person to drink fermented plant juice.
Cats wake their owners up at night to see if they’re still alive and are bummed out ‘cause they can’t eat them yet.
Some day, someone will be the last person to ever think of you, and you will finally cease to exist.
22:22 22/2/22 is a Tuesday.
Telling a person who lost a family member “You’ll see them again someday” is a nice way of saying “You’re gonna die and you can’t stop it.”
Going to the gym is like a choice between you hating your body or your body hating you.
If you eat well, get good sleep, exercise, and drink plenty of water, you’ll die anyways.
Programmers prefer dark mode because light attracts bugs.
For all resources, whatever it is, you need more.
Designating a smoking area in a cafe is like having a peeing section in a pool.
Since there is no spelling for a fart sound, we should all agree to use the symbol :! because it’s a Colon Exclamation.
If my wife would get dressed as fast as she used to when her parents came home early, we would never be late to dinner.
Bicycles can’t stand on their own because they are two tired.
Opening the fridge every 5 minutes not because I expect there will be something new in there, but to see if my standards has lowered low enough to eat what’s left.
We are just monkeys sitting on a rock fighting over melanin level and imaginary sky people.
If you bike on a road you’ve already biked on, that’s technically recycling.
When we want someone else’s thoughts, we say “penny for your thoughts.” When we offer our own, we say “putting my two cents in.” We value our own opinions twice as much.
You know you had a good break from work when you come back and can’t remember any passwords.
We are really lucky rain comes down in drops instead of all at once.
We now have to prove to machines that we’re not robots.
When you drink directly from a cup you empty it from top to bottom, but with a straw you empty it from bottom to top.
There’s religious people going door to door to convince atheists to become religious. Imagine how much controversy there would be if the roles were switched.
No one can be the least interesting person in the world, because that would make them more interesting.
You can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.
Adam, talking to God: "Hey buddy, so, uh, I don’t know if this is like ~normal~ or what but my wife just shat out a fat bald monkey and now it won’t stop screaming? Are you doing okay up there bro?"
If you dye your hair red, then you are trans-gingered.
This is the 21st century, where deleting history is more important than creating history.
Talking about your own IQ is the fastest way to make everyone think less of you.
Cars can drive themselves, phones are voice activated, and I can pay for groceries with my phone– but elevators still don’t have a “cancel” button.
Having big tits because you’re fat is like having a fast car because it’s falling off a cliff.
The world would probably be a better place if people thought “Is it ethical?” instead of “Is it legal?” more often.
It’s a good thing that babies only start crying when they’re outside of the womb.
To find a needle in a haystack all you have to do is burn down the haystack.
People ask you what you do for a living so that they can calculate the level of respect to give you.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
It is always possible to agglutinate multiple separate problems into a single complex interdependent solution
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
“All natural” is not the same as “good for you”. Arsenic is all natural.
I had more freedom as a kid riding around on a bike than as an adult driving in a car.
Every time the Guinness Book Of World Records adds a new kind of world record to the book, it breaks the world record for having the most world records compiled into a single book.
If the purpose of life is to live long, reproduce and to bring joy for all without harming any other species, trees are actually winning this game.
Your future self is talking shit about you.
If I had a pound for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the fuck was paying me, and why?
Being good at arguing is not the same thing as being right; being bad at arguing is not the same thing as being wrong.
Becoming an expert is having fewer and fewer people to ask when you don’t know something about the field.
If you light a lighter it becomes lighter, until it’s too light to light.
If you ever feel mad that you missed out on something cool, just remember that Michael Collins flew all the way to the moon on Apollo 11, just to stay in orbit while Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first humans to walk on the moon.
People who believe in homeopathy are highly dilutional.
Some dude a long time ago didn’t want to wedding dress shopping with his girl. Therefore, he convinced her it would be bad luck for him to see the dress before the wedding. Genius.
According to our brain, the brain is the most important organ in our body.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that said, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Being famous on social media is like being rich in monopoly money.
We all have a 0% chance of survival.
The history on my calculator is far more embarrassing than the history on my web browser.
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.
Odległy musi być czas, w którym kandydatów na najwyższe stanowiska jakichkolwiek państw będzie się kierowało na egzaminacyjne filtry, ażeby umysłowości wielostronnie marne bez wszelkiego miłosierdzia kierować do robót publicznych.
Being a parent is like having a garbage roommate that you love unconditionally.
Cinderella must have a hard time shopping for shoes if literally no one else in the kingdom had her size
If hell does exist, it surely has a welcome tutorial that cannot be skipped.
"How would you describe your life" "You know when you want to make an omelette but you completely fuck it up so you have scrambled eggs which are terrible instead"
Does my cat think the pizza delivery guy is my owner because he brings me food?
Thomas Edison got an idea that was so great, that it ended up being the universal symbol of a bright idea.
Time flies when you are having fun. But if you are frog, time is fun when you are having flies.
You know what’s more fun than traveling with small children? Anything. Literally anything…
Umbilical cords are like phone chargers, they keep us alive. But when we’re disconnected, we start slowly dying.
It is much more frowned upon to pee in the pool if you are outside of it.
Once upon a time, history was written by the winners. Then the losers discovered the internet.
People survive 100% of their near-death experiences.
In 2019 we were staying away from negative people, in 2020 we are staying away from positive people.
Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.
Alicia Keys stops wearing make-up and everyone gives her props for being a beautiful, proud independent woman. I stop wearing make-up and people ask if I’ve slept this year.
Time is money. One buys the other.
Moja żona jest tak gruba, że zamontowałem w lodówce żarówkę energooszczędną.
A flat earther, who was vaccinated as a child, warned me not to vaccinate my kids because it’ll make them stupid.
- Jak się nazywa dresiarz, który kradnie telefony?
- Łowca Androidów.
It’s very hard to distinguish between someone being brutally murdered and kids playing if you go by sound alone.
February 22nd, 2022 (2/22/22) falls on a Tuesday, making it 2’s day.
If you study history far back enough it becomes biology, then geography and lastly physics.
Boners were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Wiesław namiętnie rzucił Genowefę na łóżko, ale chybił.
Being told Gravity pulls everything “Downward” and not “Inward” at a young age could explain why some people believe the Earth is flat.
It goes without saying that saying “it goes without saying,” is directly followed by saying that exact thing.
What if Gods test for us is how gullible we are and only the atheists go to heaven?
Knights in armor probably were so intense because they couldn’t scratch their balls.
I wonder if life gives dyslexic people melons instead of lemons?…
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Lessons come where you find them. Not necessarily where you looked for them.
If the Earth was actually flat, there would be a fringe group claiming it was round.
Someone who doesn’t want to date you because your astrological signs aren’t compatible is probably doing you a favour
You are not scared of flying , you are scared of suddenly not flying anymore.
If you don’t drink alcohol because you have recovered from alcoholism, you’re admired, but if you don’t drink and never have, you’re weird.
If a tattoo artist pays a stripper back with tattoos, would that be the only truely Tit-For-Tat relationship?
If you treat sick animals, you may be considered a veterinarian. If you fought for Germany in WWII, you may be considered a veteran Aryan.
Half the time in internet arguments, it’s not even two people disagreeing. Majority of the time you’re both right, talking about completely different subjects, and not realising it because neither one is listening.
Anti-Vaxxers are basically saying dead children are a preferable alternative to autistic children.
At Night, I Can’t find one comfortable position to sleep. In the Morning, every position is comfortable to sleep
As an avid camper, I have spent a lot of money pretending that I don’t have a house.
When you’re a kid you want your teeth to fall out for monetary reasons. When you’re an adult you want your teeth to stay intact for monetary reasons.
Αη ΕηgΙιsh ρεrsοη ςαη rεαd τhιs ρrεττγ εαsιΙγ βυτ το α Grεεκ ρεrsοη τhιs Ιοοκs ςομρΙετεΙγ ηοηsεηsιςαΙ ατ fιrsτ.
Running would sound way different if our buttcracks were horizontal.
Human-readable dates can be specified in universally understood formats such as 05/07/11Source: https://infiniteundo.com/post/25326999628/falsehoods-programmers-believe-about-time
Jak zaaranżować całkowity brak aranżacji?
Say what you will about organized crime, at least it’s organized.Source: The Expanse
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
If you say grace before you eat leftovers, I bet God is like, “Dude, I JUST blessed this chicken not even 24 hours ago, give it a rest.”
The first person to be scientifically made to be immortal will probably be killed by religious extremists.
Squirrels always look and act like it’s their first day being a squirrel.
Space cowboys imply the existence of space cows.
Past tense of Wyoming is Wyomed.
One day that will be the last day you have ever seen a goat. And you wont even know it.
Looking for a romantic partner after 30 is like going to the second page of Google search results.
Farting when you have diarrhea is like playing Russian roulette with 5 rounds in the pistol.
The biggest step in any relationship is not the first kiss…it’s the first fart.
Raising a child is basically a race against time to see if you can teach a tiny animal everything they need to know in oder to avoid going to jail in under 18 years.
Your left earphone is either in the right ear or in your right ear.
Somewhere in the UK there is a person who is 14,458,219th in line to be the British Monarch, and they don’t even know it.
Every line in Finland is a Finnish line.
When the facts change, I change my mind. What do you do, Sir?
Solar Energy is actually Nuclear Energy but from a safe distance.
"Rage Against the Machine" were originally called, "Let’s Buy a Wireless Printer".
Hardware is just software which has crystallized early.
In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people whereas in 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.
- Jaki jest najbardziej szkodliwy kosmetyk?
- Szminka na koszuli.
Most of the easy problems have been solved. If a problem still exists, it's probably because it's either a really hard problem, or it's not actually a problem.
History teaches us that mankind doesn’t learn from history.
Feeding seagulls laxatives and watching them defecate on people is one of the very few times when someone is actually doing something for shits and giggles.
Volleyball is just competitive, co-op, hardcore hot potato.
If you get your electricity from wind turbines and drive an electric car, you’re just sailing with extra steps.
If someone sued over luggage, it could be a suit suit or a case case.
On the internet I can easily find a video of a snake being swallowed by a giant frog while attacking a cat but I can’t seem to find the right drivers for my laptop.
The quicker you accept being wrong, the quicker you become right.
Z opowieści paintballistów:
- Skończyła mi się amunicja, więc wziąłem pędzel i ruszyłem do walki wręcz...
Due to the evolution of bacteria with respect to our immune system, traveling forward in time could kill you and traveling back in time could kill everyone else.
A package sent by car is a shipment, but a package sent by ship is a cargo.
Maybe plants are really farming us, giving us oxygen until we eventually expire and turn into mulch which they can consume.
If I put something in the refrigerator the first time am I just frigerating it?
Sneezing while pooping is an efficient way to clear two passages at once.
Nothing ensures the survival of a species like being tasty to humans.
Chwytam się różnych rzeczy, śniegu, drzew, niepotrzebnych telefonów, czułości dziecka, wyjazdów, wierszy Różewicza, snu, jabłek, porannej gimnastyki, rozmów o błogich własnościach witamin, wystaw awangardowej sztuki, spacerów na kopiec Kościuszki, polityki, muzyki Pandereckiego, żywiołowych katastrof w obcych krajach, rozkoszy moralności i rozkoszy niemoralności, plotek, zimnego tuszu, zagranicznych żurnali, nauki włoskiego języka, sympatii dla psów, kalendarza. Chwytam się wszystkiego, żeby się nie zapaść w przepaść.
Brother Preptil, the master of music, had described Brutha’s voice as putting him in mind of a dissapointed vulture arriving too late at a dead donkey.
A good plan, violently executed now, is better than a perfect plan next week.
Gary Numan is older than Garry Oldman, Bill Gates Makes Windows and Tom Holland is from England.
If you’re a healthy woman born in 1999, you have the highest odds out of all of us to live in three different centuries. Nice.
All the electrons,protons and neutrons in your body were created at the beginning of time, They have always existed and they will be there long after your death.
Imagine a fish coming into your living room wearing a mask and watching you eat breakfast. That’s what snorkeling is to them you sick weirdo.
There’s more planes in the ocean than there ever will be submarines in the air.
Whenever you’re not sure what to say, either say nothing, or ask a question.